Overly Needy Infant?

DO NOT LET HIM CRY! He is not old enough to manipulate you! Something is wrong if he is crying. Babies want to be loved and held. Put him in a front or back carrier like these ladies suggested. BUT DON'T LET HIM CRY! The abandonment thing is all over the internet and books and is very real. I was breastfeeding my daughter and she was very fussy, I couldn't put her down for more than two seconds. I started to rake over my diet and realized that I ate a lot of dairy and cottage cheese. I decided to try to stop eating the cottage cheese. That very day she was a different baby! People had been telling me..."Oh she is so spoiled" "She is ruined" "She manipulates you" and all of this other stuff, well they were completely wrong, she had a stomach ache. Can you imagine how mean and awful that would have been of me to just lay her down and say "oh you manipulative bad baby, I will let you cry!" I am so glad I listened to my own motherly instinct and tried other things first. She is almost two now and very happy and secure. So I don't know if you are breastfeeding or formula feeding, but I would try looking over my diet or changing to a different formula. Take him into the Dr. just to make sure that he doesn't have some problems. Babies don't just cry all of the time for no reason. Babies cry on occasion and that is normal. But don't be a mom that just lets your baby cry without trying to solve the problem first. I promise you, if you give him what he needs now, these are the crucial months of his life and if you are there for him he will grow up to be a lot less needy in the future. He has to know you will meet his needs. You are the only one he has to meet his needs he can't meet his own. He is so young and crying is the only way he can communicate. Don't abandon him. Good Luck!
Angie

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Hi A.. You've gotten quite a mix of advice! I know it's so confusing being a new parent. In my opinion, I would not let him cry. My son was fussy as a baby, and I used to get angry, and even had to stop myself from yelling at him at times, even though he was too little to understand. Just last night, I was crying to my husband, because my son will be two next week, and he has changed so much. He barely needs me at all anymore, and I miss those baby days. As much as I thought it would last forever, and I looked at people like they were nuts when they told me I would miss those days, and that he would be out of those phases before I knew it, I didn't believe them! But they are only little for so long, so hang in there. It will not last. If you want a good book to check out, take a look at the Dr. Sears Baby Book. It's more of a resource guide, not something you have to read cover to cover, but it's a very helpful book, practical and intuitive. Lastly, I'll leave you with the best piece of advice I ever got as a confused new mom. Follow your own instincts. You are the mom, and you know best. If you try or do something and it doesn't feel right to you, change it. Good luck.

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IT IS SOO HARD!! but believe me, it get's better! i was going through the same thing 8 months ago with my little girl. I agree with the "just relax and go with it" approach. My best days were when I just accepted that I wasn't going to get anything done and focused on being with her and enjoying her. He'll only be that little once.

sling, baby bjorn, and a wrap were all helpful.

I can't speak to whether this approach spoils the child, but at one our little girl is fearless, joyful, really outgoing and independent. we think maybe it's because for the first 5 months of her life, she and i were totally attached.

hang in there. this year is rough rough rough but it does get progressively easier. so far at least :)

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By all means check out the possibilities of what might be upsetting your son (teething, reflux, other diet or digestuon issues, etc.) If it is a digestive kind of think I saw a product that was like a heaing pad that was attached to a knit belt to put against the baby's tummy (I wish I knew the name or where to get it). A soft baby carrier is also great for as much of the time as you can use it. But realistically you probably do have to put him down sometimes to get through the day. I know some people are totally against crying it out. But I think it depends on how it is interpreted. I don't think letting a baby fuss or cry for a few minutes is the end of the world. My son was not a big crier and he almost always settled down in well under 5 minutes of crying unless he really needed something (unexpected diaper change, teething or being sick, etc.) I would probably try getting him used to being near you (like on a play mat or a baby seat) and getting your attention without being in your arms. Maybe if you try it starting a few minutes at a time you can eventually get him to go for longer stretches.
I have read a lot about attachement parenting...and it sounded a lot better before I had children. Even if I agreed with all of it I know myself and I just couldn't do it all. Being a mom is a balancing act and you have to figure out how to get enough of your own needs met to be able to be a good parent for your baby. If you are at your wits end and need to put down the baby in a safe place and take 5 or 10 minutes in another room where you can't hear the crying you are not a bad parent and it is unlikely to cause the baby lasting harm.

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how about taping your voice and some music and seeing if that will soothe the little one...or some of your scent on the bulb in his room...just so he knows you are around. Good luck.

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What a smart little boy. He has trained his mommy already. Let him cry.. where did you get that abandonment thing? When you are doing the dishes or cooking put him in an infant seat on the kitchen table so he can watch you. Of course he will cry at first. It worked so well already. Eventually he will learn that it doesnt work anymore. Keep him in the same room as you, but dont pick him up when he cries. Try to pick him up from his naps BEFORE he cries. When he is in his infant seat and stops crying pick him up for a few minutes once in awhile. Not all the time.
OH you ARE a good mom. TOO GOOD. Babies cry, thats how they communicate, expand their lungs and learn. There is nothing wrong with letting a clean well-fed baby cry.
Check out the post from Regina, where her 20 month cries all the time. Thats what you have to look forward to if you carry your baby around all day.

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A., I agree with all the other postings, let him cry it out a little at a time, but remember babies sense your tension, so try and stay calm when this happens. I had a set of twins and staying calm during their first few months was a huge challenge, but it helped. This only lasts for a couple months! As my mom tells me "This too shall pass"
Good Luck!

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My son was the same way! At 4 months I had to return to work so I looked for a small daycare for infants where the babies were not just in one room all day but rather in the entire apt. When he started to transition by our visiting, he immediately wanted to sit in the exersaucer & floor mat along w/ the other babies his age! It was peer pressure, or socialization needs immediately! Thank God I said- the answer to my prayers, worries & dilemma. He wanted constant or near constant companionship and he wanted to stay in there happily socializing at the age of 4 months.
After that, I was able to have him sit in the floor mat at home as well as the exersaucer and he was more content! If you do not have to bring your child to daycare- GREAT you may want to consider a music class or play class in your area for mommy and me for your babies age range. It really helped my baby begin to appropriately separate from me and not be so clingy all day!

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Dear A.,
You got a lot of advice! I don't think mine is needed. I just want to say my daughter was the same way. She would cry and cry and only wanted to be held by me. Not even anyone else could hold her. There were times I got angry and frustrated feeling that other things needed to get done and were more and important than my new little baby, but man, was I wrong and regret ever feeling that way. Enjoy this time with your baby, they grow so fast. By the time she was sitting up about 5.5 mths., she didn't cry as much. I put her in a walker or an exersaucer right by me so I could get things done. I carried her around in a carrier. I would vacuum, take walks, go shopping, and even dance around with her in it. I did everything but cook with her in it. She is 2 yrs. old now and quite an independent and beautiful little girl who loves to help me with everything! If his crying ever gets to be too much, it has for me in the past, put him in his crib and go outside for about 10 minutes. Don't worry he won't become a serial killer if you let him cry for a little bit, but it makes a huge difference for your peace of mind.

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A.,

Congratulations!

I am not a backer of letting him cry. I read the explanation of Drs. and Nurse Sears and I am so wishing I had read it before I gave birth.

He wants your attention, he wants your closeness, he wants you. Don't deny him. Get a sling or a hip carrier, or front pack, whatever you are more comfortable with, and just carry him. You won't regret it. When he is comfortable, you'll be able to put him down for longer periods of time (and then he won't want to be picked up very much at all). Every kid is different.

He may also have reflux. It doesn't sound like this is a sudden onset though, so it either is something he has had, or he is just missing being close to you.

To give an illustration: I was visiting my friend while her daughter and grandson were visiting her. Her daughter allows her son to 'cry it out' to keep him on a schedule. He lay in his pack and play and cried. My son responded by looking scared and hugging me close while alternating looking at the younger baby (he was 3 months at that time). My son started crying after a while too (it wasn't like I could pick up her son - as much as I wanted to). He also responded in a rather different painful way - he started biting when he nursed. Not hard, but like he didn't want ME to go away. It affected him for the rest of the week. All I could do was hug him, and pick him up when he asked.

Good luck, and I hope you find the balance you and your baby need.
M.

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Hi A.,

I just wanted to say you're not alone! My son also cried all the time at that age. Like another post said, he grew out of it as he was more able to entertain himself. once he could sit up (6 mo) he would play on the floor with his toys, and once he could crawl and go where he wanted (8 or 9 mo) he was happy as a clam, and has been ever since. I did carry him around for those first 6 months, a lot, since I couldn't stand the crying. I agree that a 4 month old is not at all capable of being manipulative. There could be something wrong, like reflux or allergy, or it could be that he just wants to be held; I don't think that's abnormal for a little baby. I used a baby bjorn a lot, although as he's gotten older I've learned about more comfortable ones; if you check out thebabywearer.com they have a lot of information about good carriers that you've probably never heard of (I know I hadn't). So I'd say just hang in there, and do what works for you, and don't worry too much about what other people tell you, it can make you go crazy! Good luck!

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Dear A.,

As (some) others have said, you CANNOT spoil an infant. Babies don't manipulate, they don't even communicate. They cry when they're unhappy, that's all.

I recommend trying 2 things:

1. Invest in a baby bjorn, ergo, etc. -- some means of "wearing" your son. That'll meet both your needs. He'll be snuggled up close to Mommy; you'll have two free hands.

2. Look carefully at his diet (or your diet, if you're breastfeeding). This could very well be a mild case of colic and/or reflux. Other signs are frequent spit-ups and/or frequent bowel movements. Your smart little boy may have figured out that the warmth of contact soothes his tummy. If he's on formula, change his formula. If you're breastfeeding, try eliminating the following from your diet:

Dairy
Wheat
Nuts
Soy
Eggs

If he does better after you've been on this diet for two weeks, you can try slowly reintroducing these items into your diet -- start from the bottom of the list.

But I want to reiterate again -- cuddling and responding to an infant is NOT spoiling him. Quite to the contrary, it stimulates brain development. Children in orphanages who are not picked up when they cry miss out on this brain development, and after a short time, the IQ points can never be recovered. It will also, ultimately, help him become a more independent (because in order to be independent, children have to feel valued and loved), compassionate (because you'll be modeling compassion) person.

And, finally, it gets easier. Just hang in there :)

Mira

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Mine did the samething for a long time, every time I put her down she would cry/fuss. Try doing it slowly, just a few minutes a day ans try not to pick her up. It is hard, they do grow out of it. I have a 15 month old now and she still like to be held, but not all the time. It took about 9 months before I could really listen to any crying and then things got better. They wont remember their infant years, do you?? Also, try a carry/sling and have him/her with you, that really helped me. Also, use a swing/bouncy seat. These as well help, then you are not holding all the time. Use nap time for those things, its hard I know and I was there myself and still am a bit with the fussiness, but it gets better. Try another room and a monitor and this way you can see, turn the vol down and try it for 15 minutes. I don't think that a child has ever been hurt from crying. Good luck and don't be afraid ot ask for help, family a good friend, Mom's need breaks too!

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Hi A.. Congrats!

I found books from the AAP and Dr. T. Berry Brazelton helpful with questions like these. He said in one of his books babies before the age of 8 months can't be spoiled by too much holding.

There can be many reasons. My twins just went through this and low and behold they were teething at four months. They stopped crying when being held. The peds thought it was early but when they checked they could feel swelling in the gums. The AAP book said some babies teeth for weeks or months before we see the teeth. Their teeth broke through this weekend. Now they are back to their old selves. They are happier, more expressive and independent again.

Again it could be many things but maybe you want to check out the teething thing.

Good luck.

Hope this helps.

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A.,

I understand your dilemma and can appreciate that there is certainly conflicting information on it. Mine will also be just an opinion, but I'll offer it anyway and hope it helps you. First you should know that I am also a 1st time mom (baby girl is 14 months), pregnant with number 2 and I am a mental health therapist.

Your son NEEDS to learn how to self-soothe. This is what it really comes down to (for me) and why I don't go in that extreme direction of always giving them what they want- I don't agree with docs that say it's "impossible" to spoil a child under 1. Instead, I think it's an unreasonable and cruel expectation that if you indulge everything until they are 1 that all of a sudden they be expected to adapt at 1 or 2 or 3 or when another child comes into the pciture. The ability and skill to self-soothe is going to help him be a much more secure and happier child. Trust me, as a therapist and a mom I have seen this dynamic play out in countless ways. And my daughter is a spit fire, strong/demanding personality type, but you've never seen a happier more secure child. Not to say she doesn't test, but ultimately she can play on her own for over half-n-hour, will "read" to herself, "talk" to her stuffed animals, grab her own pacifier to stick it in her mouth and so forth. And she's never given me a hard time about staying in her infants class at church, a true joy compared to the other infants (she's 14 months now).

But you DEFINITELY have to start early and be consistent. Balance is the most important thing. And for me at least, continually educating myself helps me achieve my sense of what balance looks like for us. A concrete suggestion would be to read "Baby Whisperer," I did not follow everything there but I did bear in mind most of it and it really helped. Personally, if I were you I'd read or re-read material on what his psychological developmental needs are. This is something you're going to have to go to a bookstore or Library to get, but it's worth it. If you can understand what's really going on with him at that level, it will help form your thoughts/beliefs about what you need to do. Other concrete advice- does he have a pacifier? Can you re-introduce it if not? It really can empower babes to calm themselves, as they get older and have other ways available to them they will move away from it. Do you have a video for him? I'm not a big TV mom at all, but I think to begin with it may be helpful to you guys. One of the Einstein ones I guess but my favorite for her is Sesame Beginnings- use in moderation. Should not be more than 30 min per day and even then, not necc everyday. My daughter barely watches more than 1 or 2 per week, but she is older and more set with all this by now (he'll get there!). The other thing I find works is to play her music CDs, fun ones, and let her play in her playyard. For him, that may be his swing- mine LOVED it at his age.

But bear in mind, there will be protest involved. You are going to have to train yourself not to be overly reactive when he cries. YOU have to bear in mind the different kinds of cries and what they mean, they'll be more about that in the above reccomended book. And remember that becoming a mom does not mean becoming un-human. You have needs, that is not selfish, it's real. You can't give from a place of emptiness and emotional/physical exhaustion... that will only go but so far. You MUST take care of your inner self in order to really take care of anyone else in a way that is healthy and beneficial. I really hope that you pursue this further and get a good grasp on it, please please do not listen to any of these extremers, take the road less traveled and figure out what balance will be for you guys. Best wishes, N.

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No, you are not spoiling your son! Have you tried a snugglie? It is like a backpack that you can wear with the baby facing you or out. Also, have you tried classical music? All three of my kids went thru that stage and a snugglie and music worked for them. Another posssibility, if you don't mind video, is a Baby Eintsien video. They are wonderful.

Good luck,
C.

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You can NEVER spoil a 4 mo. not at all, not even close. My daughter, who just turned one, wanted to be held a lot as well. It doesn't last forever. She was out of is as soon as she was able to move around on her own. It will get better. I would HIGHLY suggest you ditch the carrier and get a simple sling.
This one is my favorite:
http://www.slinglings.com/?gclid=CM3-jOzfs5cCFQECGgodincCig

Set your son in and let him live there for a time. You will be able to walk around and use your hands to do whatever. He can sleep, eat, etc. right there and it makes getting around so easy. You can sit and stand and do everything (other than drive) with him in the sling. You can even catch easy naps in a chair or on the couch with him in there.

I never had success with letting my daughter cry other than in her sleep training that started around 6 mo.

You can do this. Try and let go of what you think "should be" and accept what is for now. That is what helped me not go crazy. Your little dude, for whatever reason, wants to be in your arms, to feel you and smell you and be comforted by his mom. Give it to him now because in no time, he will be pushing you away wanting to be on his own, I promise. It was such a great feeling when it happened with my daughter. She is so independent now and I never thought it would happen. Good luck!

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He's probably just bored. He knows there's another world out there, but he can't motor himself over to get to what he wants. He needs his personal sherpa. :)

As some of the previous posters said, once he's able to get to things on his own he'll be much happier. The good news is that you're most of the way there!

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Dear A.,

I do not believe that you can spoil a baby that young. If a baby is crying all the time something is bothering them. Everyone's first reaction is oh your going to spoil them, how can you spoil a baby that young they need to be held and cuddled, however not all day. Have you had him checked for reflux? If you say he is well fed, well rested and dry he should be content unless something is bothering him. Do you give him formula or is he breastfed? Does he take a pacifier? If not try to get him used to taking one to soothe himself. My son never took one or needed one, however my daughter had colic and the pacifier was a life saver. I remember she screamed one day for 19 out of 24 hours I was so exhausted I couldn't function. I remember standing in front of the door and telling my husband you are not going to work today. After we changed her formula she became a different baby. I own a childcare center and although there are exceptions, a fussy baby usually means something is just not sitting right with them. After he eats do you hold him upright so he can digest properly. If he has reflux it can be very uncomfortable when laying down. Have you talked to your doctor about it? I think it is okay to let them fuss for a few minutes but he is to young to cry for long periods of time. Try not to overwhelm yourself with getting things done for the holidays people who have been through this will understand how difficult it is to be a new mom. If they don't understand then to bad you should not add more unnecessary stress to your already stressful day. Christmas comes once a year your baby will only be this little once so getting him on track I think is the priority. I hope you get some peace and quiet soon. Good luck and happy holidays!!

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you say you tried a baby carrier - have you tried a sling? i carried my DD around for 24/7 in the sling - i could vacuum, do dishes, fold laundry, go for walks, get a pedicure. she slept better in the sling than on any flat surface. he's NOT CAPABLE of being spoiled already, he's not manipulating you, he just needs you. maybe he's very bright and gets bored if you put him down - he wants to see what mommy's up to!!! he can't use his hands and can't crawl or roll yet, so his only education is eye-level with mommy and he's learning so much! my daughter is VERY ADVANCED for 9 months, and was a "high needs" tiny baby. she rolled early, crawled early, and i'm sure will walk by 9 months (christmas) and i wore her all the time. - many cultures strap their baby on and go about their business- or strap him to another member of the tribe and pass him around. we don't have other members, but we can wear them all the time. i'm sure you guessed i'm ANTI CRY IT OUT. i think it's selfish and barbaric - they have NO OTHER method of communication yet - crying works. please please read up on attachment parenting, buy dr. sears ap books, baby-wearing, the natural family by peggy o'mara. don't doubt yourself - you're doing fine. can you take someone christmas shopping with you, so they can hold him? i'll go! wear him in a sling. go to karmababy.com. i'm 5'6, 135 lbs and the medium fits just fine. don't buy a fleece one for winter - you'll both be too hot. p.s. i took 9 month emma to the mall today. she started up in her stroller and ended up in her sling - it bought me at least one more hour. Good luck and have mercy on him and yourself. trust your gut!!! be thankful he stops crying when you picsk him up!!

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I think he is completely normal. He will probably outgrow this in the next month or two as he eats more solid food and becomes more independant. Carry him and tend to his needs and don't let him cry on an regular basis. Don't feel guilty though if you need a few minutes for yourself. If you give him the love and reassurance that he needs, he will have the confidence to be without you. You are not spoiling him. But remember, take care of yourself too and don't stress about it.

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Hi A.,

Some babies are just like that--and, yes, it gets better! Our fifth was just like that--somehow she knew right off the bat that she'd have to seize the attention she wanted! She would not sleep (during the day) anywhere except in someone arms (preferably mine, but most warm familiar sets would do). It was frustrating, but I think it's important to realize while you're going through it, that it's really a short period that it goes on for and that there will come a day that he doesn't want to be held and you will long for these days of warm and quiet cocooning. Please don't let him cry--a 4 month old will learn absolutely nothing from it. When you need a shower or to use the stove, then you have to let him cry for a bit, but that's just a brief necessity. Hold him. Love him. He'll outgrow it in a few months. My last is now nearly three and she is confident and independent, far more mature than kids nearly a year older. And she's a great napper, 3 hours plus (alone in her own room of course!) Respect his personality and needs right now and you will likely be amazed at how he evolves!
Good luck!

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I would definately keep moving him from room to room but just talk to him and occassionally rub his foot or grab his hand etc to let him know your still close by. But let him cry a little it will start fostering his independence. Also if this doesn't seem to work you can try a a carrier. They're fantastic because baby is touching you but you have the freedom of using both arms, so you can write those letters or vaccum or even shop. He's still getting mommy's warmth but your still getting what needs to be done done.

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Unless he's sick, tired, hungry, or has a bad diaper, I'd just let him cry. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to soothe and entertain him. My son was the same way. I just put him on a blanket on the floor with some toys, put a baby einstein video on, and carried on with my business. Do you have a boppy seat? I'd sometimes prop him up on a boppy, he liked sitting up. Sorry you're going through this! I know it's hard and you feel like nothing is getting done!! Just try to put him down for small moments at a time, each moment getting longer and longer as you go. He will eventually adjust.
Hope this helps--good luck!!
L.

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Hi I had a very similar problem with my first son .I now realize what I think I was doing wrong. He was born very bit 9lbs 14oz the doctor kept him on a very strict feeding schedule. Being my first I followed the rules. When I look back now I think he was hungry.

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A.
My son will be 5 months in a week but a few weeks ago i noticed the same thing too. That whenever i put him down he would cry and this past weekend I went to visit a friend and his kids and their nanny was there. The first thing they both said is you hold him way to much... he needs to learn how to play by himself. and then they pointed me to his son who is 2.5 and playing by himself. they said that I have to let him cry a bit so he knows that i'm not giving in and he should be playing by himself for 15-30mins at a time. so since yesterday i put him down on the play mat and let him play and walked away even though he got fussy and kept doing it and this morning he's getting the hang of it...

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Try a sling it is the only thing that would work for my son!

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My son was the same way at that age. Honestly, I put him in my sling or Baby Bjorn and carried him everywhere. He grew out of that neediness once he could sit up. Until then (around 5 months or so), he just needed to be held all the time. I got nothing done around the house. I rarely cooked. I was pretty strung out!

But I decided to just relax and go with it. I figured it must be an important need for him, and for whatever reason- I just had to fulfill it! Soon he was playing on his own, crying to be put down. Now, he's fiercely independent!

I'd just carry him. I know it's exhausting, though. Do you have a good carrier? I actually switched between three different ones.

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This sounds exactly like my two month old daughter. She was just sound asleep in my arms not two minutes ago and now she is crying as I am writing this to you. I hear the same thing....let her cry, she'll get spoiled if you don't. But after 5-10 minutes, the crying gets to me. She is not the type to cry herself to sleep either. So, for now, I've just been picking her up and doing everything one-handed since I do not have a sling or carrier (back issues.) She'll go on her playmat for 5 minutes but then starts crying. She's not too intersted in Baby Einstein videos yet either. I wish I had some better advice but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

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First, it's ok to put him down and let him cry for a few minutes here and there, secondly, you might try a front carrier while you are doing some chores, then he can be with you but you are hands free. It takes getting used to but it could help.

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My son, now six months, was like that too for a period of time, but he grew out of it. They change so much in the first year, don't worry everything will work out.

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My son is the exact same way...The Dr. said he could be getting ready to teethe. But I do feel your anguish, I have days of migranes from this!!!! I don't think it's being spoiled (my mother may beg to differ) I think it's just a phase they are going through.

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Hello,

You got a lot of advice about this. My favorite book was The Baby Whisperer by Tracey Hogg, very easy non-judgemental reading. Although it may be too soon for him to learn sign language, I recommend trying to teach him some now so that he can communicate quicker and let you know what his needs are. I taught my son sign language by doing the sign, saying the word, in the proper situation, so he could learn both word and sign.
Anyway, when you put him down, do you get down on the floor with him and play? At 4 months I made sure my kids had tummy time, I had to start playing first, getting them interested in the toy first. Then I'd start backing away slowly. I am anti-cry-it-out, whatever you choose is up to you. If they felt I was too far I'd talk with them or come closer, depending on the severity of the cry. Sometimes I'd just rub their backs or tummies while next to them, again introducing a toy, and then slowly backing away. Doing things in stages allows him to learn securely that he can depend on you to teach him new things while also knowing you'll be there when he really needs you.

Keep up the good work mommy!!! He's going to grow so fast.

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A.,
LOL You did the same thing I did with my 4th child, he is spoiled. I walked around with him at my chest in the Snuggly. Finally I had to start putting him down or handing him off to my older kids who were 14, 11, and 9 at the time, just so that I could cook dinner, take a shower, etc. During the day my husband would take him, but it was when he went to work that it was tough. Finally I had to start putting him down and let him cry. I did it a little at a time, first playing with him on a blanket and then getting up to grab something, then after a few weeks I was able to not have him in my arms 24/7. He is now 12 years old and now lets me hug him when his friends aren't around. Take baby steps to get him to entertain himself. I know it is hard.
Hugs,
T.

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