Overbearing Mom/Grandma

Hi C.,

First of all, I would keep a journal of what is happening. What she says, what she does, your reaction, others reactions, etc. After while I would show her the journal, maybe if she sees it in black and white it will make a difference. I would also tell her she did a great job raising you and she can still "raise" you but now it's your turn to raise your own daughter, she is YOUR daughter, not your Mom's. You may need to say this several times for it to sink in. If she asks to take your daughter from someone else then tell her that the other person has held her for x amount of minutes, that's all she gets before handing her off to someone else, there are others that want to hold her and be an influence on her, too. Lastly, I would print off your request from here and the answers then hand them to her. Let her read what others are saying. Maybe hearing it from an outside source will help, too. Other than that I would try to enjoy the fact she wants to be around you and your daughter so much. My Mom lived 1200 miles away and didn't get to see her grandkids more than once or twice before she passed away, the rest of my family steers clear of us for several of their own reasons. I would give anything for my family to be more involved. Be firm, let her know that yes, your relationship is strained ut it is because she's still mothering you too much. You are an adult and will ask for her opinion when you want it.

Good luck - S.

I would not have her baby sit when you go back to work you need to start limiting her time. You need to follow your gut on all of it. She is old school. but this is either her first grandchild or first girl grandchild and she is blowing it up. When your child gets older she will turn on her. My mom did the same thing with my oldest because she was the only girl and first grandchild and she was not a supporter of breastfeeding any of mine and she was so old school. My kids in a way are afraid of her but in others don't want too much to do with her. she doesn't like that i let them be themselves and not who she wants them to be.

Wow. She sounds SCARED TO DEATH of something happening to her granddaughter. And unfortunately not too confident that you can keep her safe. She needs to be rest assured that you are going to take the best possible care of her. Quote articles you've read on feeding, nutrition, safety, etc. Let her know you are staying on top of things and one up her on information like carseat safety, need for vitamin D...etc. Tell her things she doesn't know and do it often. Maybe she'll start to relax a little... whew! Good luck!

My advice is keep your distance for a bit and tell her why. Let her know that she has set a great example in the way she raised you. Tell her that you are considering day care if she can't lay off. I know it's hard to do because it's your mom. I truely think that you need some space between you and your mom, temporarily.

I know it's not the same but, my Mother-in-law was extremely overbearing when our oldest daughter was little. Even accusing us of abusing our daughter! (Never ina million years would that happen!) She had burst into our home one night demanding to see our daughter insisting that we had hurt her in some way (There was never, ever anything that should have led her to believe my daughter was abused. I worked in daycare to make sure that I was still with my daughter even though I was working.)

The best thing that ever could have happened to the situation is she moved 1 1/2 hours away from us. things have been much better between us since she moved. We have not had any altercations concerning our children (now we have three and are expecting our 4th in May) since she moved up north. I'm not saying move away from you mother but let her know you need a little distance until she can respect you as a parent. You're a nurse for pete's sake. LOL! good luck with this, sweetie.

I think you need to find someone who will be a little more objective to care for your child while you are at work. Your mom will only become more obsessive and more overbearing if she starts to think of herself as the baby's caregiver. You need to keep her in check...she is your mother and you are Baby J's mother. She needs to act like a grandmother and a mother to you...she does not need to jump all over you for the decisions you make and the things you do. I don't think you should distance yourself from her though. I think you should tell you you appreciate her help and her guidance...but you have chosen to go with someone a little less overbearing to care for your Baby. Tell her you still want her help and involvement...but she has to understand that YOU are the one who makes the decisions with regard to what is best for your baby. If you don't handle it now...it will only get worse...and your baby will be affected by the relationship as she gets older!!!

Sorry to say this C., but I think that your hubby is right about daycare, maybe have grandma watch her 1-2 days but for most of the time, she should not be the primary caregiver. Not for your sake but for your daughter's. Think about how you want her raised, compared to how your mother wants her raised, now consider that she will be spending the primary amount of teaching time with her (if she babysits 40 hours a week). She will be teaching her the ways she wants her raised not how you want her raised. And if she is that open about her criticism of you to your face, do you think that she will make comments to your daughter? ("Well, your Mom jsut doesn't know what's best like Grandma does?") If you don't think that she will do that, then it is probably okay to let her babysit, but you need to get her in line with your way of raising her first.

I dont' think that your Mom would purposely try to ruin your daughters respect for you, but it might inadvertantly fall out of her lips. Also, I think that having grandparents babysit blurrs the lines of grandparents and puts them in a position of not being able to spoil them when they get to see them.

I agree with the other posters but I also wonder what else is going on with your mom. Is she lonely? It seems like she could use some other activity to focus on - spending time at a senior center or volunteering. I know that when my mom has too much time on her hands, she will listen to the news and read stuff on the internet and just sit around and worry about things that might hurt her grandkids.

Remember that at the heart of the matter, she does love you and your daughter. Hopefully having a heart to heart with her will help. Maybe her sister can help, too. Hearing it from her and not just her 'little girl' might hit home a little more.

Good luck and take care!

Its important to set a boundary with your Mom. Tell her, Mom I love you and appreciate all that you do for our daughter, BUT I'M HER MOM and I GET TO MAKE THE DECISIONS. Tell her that she needs to respect your decisions about the care of your daughter if she wants to continue to have time with her. Being in a child's life is a privilege and not a right. Certainly its best when Grandparents can be involved, but they can't control the situation.

Now once you've established your boundary, it has to have clear cut consequences if and when she crosses the line, and you have to consistently follow through with them. If you do this, she will have to be respectful of your decisions or she will not get time with her granddaughter.

This might sound cruel, but you're just insisting that she take a role as GRANDMOTHER, not MOTHER. This is NOT HER CHILD and she wouldn't appreciate another person having done this when she raised you. She sounds very OBSESSED and it is not in the best interest of your child to have Grandma nosing in all the time and friction between the two of you. I'd definitely look into daycare until this issue is resolved. Otherwise its going to be a battle, and you're right, it just gets worse over time.

Best wishes!

C.,
Maybe your Mom is feeling like she isn't worth much anymore since her kids are grown it sounds as if she dedicated herself to her kids. She probably (from how you described her as a very caring Mom) just needs to feel needed and important. I for the most part have been a Sahm and Grandma and my kids and grandkids are my life. I have always wanted to be a Mom and Grandma and my life did revolve around my family. I wasn't as overboard as your Mom but they did always come first. They are all grown and married now but I do have 7 grandkids now. I stay out of their business but when asked I do give my opinion and I try to guide them rather than push them. I think if it were me I would set up a time to talk to her without your daughter and husband and explain how you feel. Start off with telling her how much you appreciate and love her and want her in your life and your daughters life but if things don't change there might be limited access to you and your daughter. Explain that this is your daughter not hers and you don't have to be mean about it just get the point across. She does sound obsessed but there must be a reason behind it. I always try to figure out the situation before I jump into a fight and look at it from all sides. Maybe there is something going on with her life or her health that she doesn't want you to know. If she is the kind of Mom you said she will want to listen and figure out something so you can all be happy. I hope this helps you a little.
K.

Holy smokes! I agree that grandma's have certain 'grandma privileges', like spoiling the grandkids rotten for a day. but this is beyond. Her obsession has become more about HER, and HER demands, opinions, 'know how', etc. Your aunt is right. You should be allowed to be a mom and learn on your own, make decisions for the best of your child.
Is it possible she should be evaluated for Obsessive/compulsive behavior?
Maybe she enjoyed motherhood so much that to not be doing it has prompted this behavior. It's all she knows. Her wisdom produced her offspring, so of course the same wisdom should be passed to you.
If you can afford daycare, I think I'd go for it. She'll be ticked off when you need a sitter, of course. Ask your aunt. Talk to your dad about it. I mean, what does HE have to say about it?
There's one thing about being a part of a baby's life, and overstepping boundaries. My mom's a part of my kids' lives too. They all live far enough away that she can't pull anything like this. I do hear the occasional opinion now and then tho. And I decide if it's warranted or not.

Good Luck.

I absolutely agree with the previous poster. I love my mom and have always been very close to her, but I have a "smother" also. She thinks she knows everything and can do no wrong. She is also very controlling and I was able to witness this firsthand with my brother and sister's children long before I had a child of my own. Therefore, when I became pregnant with my son, "smother" assumed I would be bringing him to her for daycare. Sorry, but hubby and I had already noticed how she was and had agreed we would work three jobs if necessary in order to pay for daycare. Though "smother" would do it for free, it wasn't worth having such a strained relationship with her.

My mom still watches my niece and nephews and my brother and sister constantly complain about my mom and the decisions she makes without consulting them first. I am happy and content that my son was raised the way I would like him to be raised and am happy I paid for that piece of mind. I saw first hand how negative it was to spend that much time with this type of strong personality for the other kids. Seriously, its probably not as volatile in smaller doses, but think of the reprogramming you will need to do when your daughter is there for 8+ hours a day.

Best of luck to you....I feel your pain ma!

I hate to say it but she is obsessed.. you may have to limit her contact if she doesn't realize that baby J is your daughter and not hers.. I had that problem with an ex mother in law whom i wound up not talking to for a yr but she stepped back and let me be mom.. and she was a great grandmother to my boys afterwards.

Hello C., This is more about lack of boundries between you and your mom. I would suggest that you put your daughter in daycare to limit the amount of time your mom has to take over control of your daughter. Get some books to read on setting healthy expectations and boundries with people. Then practice them with your mother. Let her know that when she lets up she can see your daughter more often. Until your mothers behavior comes back to effect her directly she will continue the power plays. This is not healthy for your child. Baby J needs to know that her parents have the final say about everything in her life, and your mother should be backing all of your rules and limitations in order to be consistent with your daughter. Think of how confusing that is for a one year old. If it continues then your mother will use your daughter as a pawn to control you and your husband as your daughter gets older. The behavior needs to be nipped in the bud. If you can find counceling for you to learn how to set limits with your mom that would be a great investment for the happiness of your entire family. A major lessen in life is that we cannot change other people, we can only change how we respond to them. So focusing on ourselves is the key to changing how others effect us. As Dr. Phil says, we teach others how to treat us. Good luck. I hope this helps you find the tools you need to teach your mother this lessen.

HOLY COW!!!!!!!!! Are you my sister I didn't know???? My mother did the same thing to my sister... DO NOT - I REPEAT DO NOT - let her watch your child when you go back to work... My sister did - and it was total devastation!! 17yrs later - she is still paying for the cost of "free-daycare"... Sounds like your mother - much like mine - has an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder... She will do nothing but undermine you to your child and make your life a living nightmare unless you stand up right now and do something to protect yourself and your family!! Read the book - "Walking On Eggshells" - I promise it will help and enlighten you!! GOOD LUCK!!! You are going to need it!!!!!!! But again....don't wait 17 yrs - the one that will be hurt the most is your child!

I agree with everyone else's posts - time to set boundaries and change the situation. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable giving grandma that much time with my child (while watching her, that is) and would put her in daycare myself.

The only thing I had to add was - perhaps a useful way to treat your mother would be to follow the same model you'd use with your daughter. Use the same hints that the parenting mags give - state what your mother is doing that is wrong and why, tell her clearly that the behavior needs to stop, tell her what the effects will be if she doesn't stop, then FOLLOW THROUGH. Probably the worst "punishment" would be to be deprived of your daughter's presence, so starting that in small doses might be enough of a wake-up call that she would rein it in a bit. Hopefully!

You said you've told her to lay off - make sure that you're not just tossing her an angry comment in reaction to something she does. She might not take it seriously. Make sure you state clearly and calmly that you don't appreciate her comments, that you are in charge of your daughter, and you will raise her as you see fit. She may not understand yet the depth of your feelings about it or just how important it is that she change her behavior, and you can't expect her to change if she doesn't get that.

Good luck - please post a follow-up later and let us know if it gets any better! =)

Wow, everything else could possibly be ignored except for her telling you she cares more for your daughter than you do. That is completely out of line. And what grandmother tries to convince you not to give your child the perfect food because of an irrational fear? I'm sorry to say, but that is not selfless - that's selfish.

My fiance's stepmother is this way. She is extremely overbearing to the point of suffocation, and as a direct result of this we do not take our 18 month old over there very often. Family functions and maybe once a month otherwise, but that's it. I just don't have the patience to deal with the constant nagging and second guessing she puts us through. I can only imagine the stress you're feeling since this is your own mother. You have my sympathies!

I agree with the other posters - you need to have a serious sit down discussion with her. I have made it clear to the "problem" side of the family that their advice is not warranted and not welcomed, and because of this I no longer get it. Stepmother told me recently it's because they're afraid of me. Well, I'd rather they keep their mouths shut and be afraid than have to listen to their incessant nagging and "advice". Now that your daughter is older this will become an issue. If your mother is already doing things to undermine you, your daughter *will* catch on and use this to her advantage. And she can't be blamed for it, she'll just be manipulating her environment just like her grandmother does. Definitely see if putting your child in a daycare would be worth the extra cost. I tend to think it would be in this situation.

Good luck.

C., as a mom and grandmother, I would never interfere to that extent. As a parent, you raise you kids to be ADULTS. That means you let go and let them live their lives. I agree with your husband. If you think it's bad now, wait until she has her for more hours a day than you do..... I suggest you set boundaries and be clear about the boundaries with her. Let her know what the consequenses are for stepping over the boundaries. Don't cut her out of your lives, but be firm in what you will accept from her in her behavior. Sorry you are dealing with this. Hope this helps, L.

There are many benefits to a grandmother watching her granddaughter versus daycare. However, in your situation, it sounds like it would daycare would be better.

Maybe your mom is suffering from the "empty nest". It definitely sounds like she could talk to a professional.

Stand your ground. Sometimes us "children" have to stand up and be the parent with our parents. Does that make sense? If you continue to stand your ground, she will back off. But still it sounds like it goes pretty deep with her and talking to a professional may be the best route for everyone concerned.

Good luck and God's blessings.

C. -

First, let me say my jaw DROPPED when I read that your mother would be so crass as to suggest that she cares for your daughter more than you do! Now granted, I don't know the dynamic of your family's relationships, and I only have what you post to go on, but IMHO your mom is WAAAAAY out of line. I agree that she's had her opportunity to raise her own children, and should step back and let you do the same. It's okay to give advice (when it's sought) or to step in if you're just blatantly being a neglectful mother, but that doesn't sound like the case, especially if other family members are agreeing with your viewpoint.

If I were in your shoes, I would absolutely limit the amount of time my child spent around an overbearing family member, no matter who it was. At the end of the day, it's YOUR kid and you have to do what you think is best for YOUR child. If their feelings are hurt, then maybe they should take that time to reflect on the conversations you've tried to have with them about their behavior toward your child. There is no way I would tolerate letting someone else override my authority as my child's parent just because they don't agree with MY way of raising MY child.

And I would absolutely consider other places to take my child instead of having them be cared for by an overbearing relative when I returned to work. If your mom acts this way in your face, just imagine what she'd do when you're not around! I'd be very careful about that...

Sure your mom may be pissed off with you for limiting her interaction with your daughter, but either she'll come to respect your wishes as a parent, or she'll have to love her grandchild from afar.

Sorry if I sound harsh. :) Good luck and I hope you and your mom find common ground. God bless you!

Hmmm~ I feel that the child's parent is the one in control - not the other family members. For us, we set up the rules and ask that they are followed at all houses to avoid confusion/ frustration on all involved. (Such as my nephew is allowed to jump on furniture at grandma's but not at home - at an early age, I feel they cannot always make that distinction and it is a headache for Mom & Dad to break them of the habit, right?)

It sounds like your mom is experiencing some of her own issues and is taking them out (in a way) on you and your little one.

I agree where this is your turn to raise your baby. My Sister-in-law and a few others started to barrage me with much advice in the beginning when my little guy was born, but I basically tuned it out and made it clear that if I didn't ask you for it - I do not want it. Hubby was a bit better about the whole thing, of course.

I see nothing wrong with your daughter playing with cars or any 'boy' toys. They are just as much fun for girls as they are for boys... Besides - even Barbie has a car! :)
I think you should (if you have not) have a sit down talk with your mom without the baby there as a distraction and tell her that this is going to the extreme and tell her how you feel. If you need to, have your aunt sit with you as she also sees it.

I would hate to turn to using the baby as an ultimatum, but if your sanity and relationship are already strained, then it may have to come to the threat of it to get the point across.

Trust me... you are not the only one with these issues, so I am sure you will get some other advice. Mine is just trying to reach her and tell her that she needs to back off and let you and your husband set the scene and make the call and she is the follower, not the controller.

Breathe, stay calm and good luck!

Wow, you've certainly gotten many responses on how to handle the situation. It definitely needs addressing. The only thing I wanted to add is to please be empathetic. Definitely set your boundaries, but please remember that this is your mother, and that you are very, very fortunate to have someone in you and your daughter's life who obviously loves and cares for you both very much.

When she said that she cared more about your daughter than you do I would have lost it. Baby J would def. be going into daycare. Raising a baby/child is hard enough with critisim from your mom (who should be supporting you and keeping her mouth shut unless it's harmful to the baby). Tell her if she doesn't back off her time will be limited to your visits with her at her house(so you can leave when enough is enough) and that baby J will be going into daycare because you feel that it's not healthy for baby J the way that she is trying to care for her.
Your mom is waaaayyyyy out of line here.