Over Protective Mother

As far as going out on New Year's Eve - I think all parents are concerned for their children's safety. NYE is known for drunk drivers and not to mention the roads were bad because of the snow storm. My parents have always worried about me (I'm 35 and live 2000 miles from them) and will check on me when they know I've been out late or have to drive in bad weather. You're still her little girl, so I don't think worrying about you will ever change. Also she probably doesn't yet trust you in doing what's right for your son and feels the need to step in and be overly helpful. Sounds like she's driving you crazy and if you want to sustain a relationship with her then you should distance yourself as soon as possible. It will be a lot less of a stress on you once you have moved out and can parent your child the way you want (although Grandparents will still always spoil when you go visit).

After reading your response, I just want to add something. You asked what the other mothers do to be able to stay at home AND have their own place. . .well I can tell you that it took MANY years of hard work and savings to be able to afford that luxury for me (and I would assume many of the others here). And even now, I still work part time to help with the bills. Get a job and stop expecting the world to be handed to you on a silver platter. I promise your mom will start respecting you a lot more for it. Sorry to be harsh, but it's reality that we have to work in life in order to be able to support our families.

You are not going to like my response, but here goes: Come on, you are 22 WITH A CHILD and you and your 'boyfriend' are living with your mother? And have BEEN living with your mother since your child was born 17 months ago?? You call this grown up? And you want your mother to treat you as a grown up?? I think instead of dissing your mother, you should THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS that you have a mother that is putting up with you and your boyfriend living there for so many months. I love how you say, "On New Years Eve, we had an agreement..." pertaining to the fact that she would watch your son. Excuse me? An "agreement"?? You gotta be kidding me. How about ASKING your mother to babysit. Nevermind your making an agreement with her. Your "agreement" should be with yourself that you had a child when you were young, and he should be your number one priority. You should WANT to spend New Years Eve with your CHILD, not going out. You should have enjoyed going out and partying BEFORE having a child. I am so sorry to jump on you like this, but this had to be said to you. Bottom line: it's your mother's house, you have no right to tell her anything or demand her to act any differently than she is. You should THANK HER for allowing you to be there all this time and putting up with you.

J.,
This is a tough situation you are in. Yes, you do live in her home, but that doesn't mean that she can or gets to take over your role as your sons mother. That is not how it works. I think you really need to sit down with her and talk to her about how you are feeling and see how she is feeling as well. You are a young mom as I am, so they tend to think they need to go above and beyond to do things and think it's their way of "helping" out, but really it's annoying and frustrating. Talk, see where that gets you and talk about your side and listen to her side and hopefully you'll be able to come to a compromise until you can move out. :) Good luck.

Dear J.,
I'm afraid I can truly relate to what you're saying and feeling. I too was an over-protective mom and when grandkids came along, (my daughter still lived with us) I felt like she was too young to know how to raise the kids and spoke to her much too often as you say your mom talks to you. If your mom is like I was, she does not feel your not a good mom, but still sees you as a child yourself and as someone who "needs help". I'm sure you don't as my daughter did not need my help, and when she went out for the evening and I babysit, I worried constantly that if something happened to my daughter, I would have to raise my grandkids, which believe me, I did not want to do.
Keep saving your money for your own home. It will be the best for you and your family and for your mom too.
It might help if you and your mom go out by yourselves to a tea room or little restuarant and just talk. Tell her what you want from her and 'ask' what she expects from you. That always helped me and my daughter to keep the lines of communication open. As long as you're still home, you will always be "mommy's little girl" . When you move out on your own you will become her proud daughter. God bless you and yours.
C.

Hi J.,
I am going to go a different way here, your mom's house = your mom's rules. It is probably time to get your own place if you cannot find a way to coexist and coparent. I know it feels like a battle over everything, but some things she may be right on, like the food still cut up, he has only eight teeth, and is yes, still needing it cut small. The sing-songing thing is not the way to handle it, but again, her house, her rules.
My dad lives in my house, and when he starts on me, I go to whatever book I read my technique in. It does two things. Gives me another vote on my side, and shows him there is thought behind why I do things the way I do. That might work for you on her wanting to get in on the parenting, get her on the same page by having her read the books too.
And remember, if you are moving out, having the financial burden adds a lot of stress and strain, and it will be a trade off of the security of having your roof, heat, electric, cable, food, and yes, toilet paper there without giving it a thought. It is a gift you have right now without having to do that, so jump carefully. Do the math, add it up, see if you can truly handle that, plus will you then need to add the cost of child care?
You might find that getting on the same page is better for your baby in the meantime. And yes, having a baby means giving up the fun, and thinking first about the baby rather than the holiday, or driving in the snow. It is an adjustment, and even when you are out for the night, you are never fully "out" again until they are in college. I don't know where you are, but in New England we had way more than an inch of snow, and there was ice underneath, which is why I cancelled my plans, the first time out in months, with an overnight sitter and a hotel room for me and dh. Your mom really wasn't being unreasonable there. There were 10 of us in our plans, and NONE of us left our homes instead.
Good luck,
D.

Honestly J., you need to move out!!! If you want to play grown-up, then start acting like one. I do not mean to insult you at all, but if you are not paying rent and pulling your own weight in your mom's house, then she has evry right to say "as long as you live in my house..." not sure what to tell you about how she goes against your wishes in dicipline when it comes to your son, but if you didnt live there, then there wouldnt be the issue. Best of luck to you!!! L. c.

You definitely need to move out but your mother sounds exactly like my mother in-law and it probably won't just end there. Even living under her roof you need to start putting your foot down when it comes to your son. If she intervenes when you are disciplining your son take him from her if she takes his plate to re cut his food take it back. I learned the hard way that every little thing you let slide makes the situation worse. So don't just wait until you can move out and assume thins will get better he is your son and she needs to respect that.

Oh dear, doesnt sound like you are going to change your Mum. And, doesnt sound like she is going to respect your words until you have some leverage (i.e. your own place and distance between you)
It does sound like you need to be on your own, with child and boyfriend . I would be looking for more economical housing were I you.
If you cannot afford housing on your own there are several government programs which will help with that. You could contact your local DHS to learn more about these programs.
Have you ever tried sitting down and talking with your Mum about how you feel...how you see what she does as undermining and interfering with your motherhood? That you know you do not do everything right but you would like at least the chance to learn for yourself?
Not sure that would work with such a controlling mother but it sure is worth a try and you may feel better about yourself if you do try.
Word of caution , dont go into it angry, do not get angry...think, beforehand of what you want to say...do not let her push your buttons ( accusations, insults, ect)
If you get into an argument it is all your fault. For the simple reason, if you do not argue back to her goads, there is no argument. Let what she says that is provocative just slide off. Not easy when emotions are running high but it can be done.
If you find you just cannot talk with her, then call DHS.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

Hi J.. I went throught the exact same thing with my mother and trust me the sooner you can move out the better because the older he gets and the longer this continues the less your son will listen to you. You need to make it very clear to her that you are an adult and that you have a child and he is your child so you will decide what is best for him not her. Good luck and stay strong I know its tough living with someone like that.

J.,

Unfortunately for you this will continue until you move out of the house. I can compeletely understand both what you and your mom are going through. You want to be the sole parent to your son (with your partner), and your mom feels the maternal pull to want to "protect" her grandson, and help you. I would advise you move out as soon as possible, and until then give your mom more space. She is doing everything she can to help you out in your journey in life.

I wish you luck!!

H. Z. (SAHM 5, 4 and 18 month old boys)

For 20+ years your mom has been your mom. Now that you are a mom yourself, I would think that you would begin to kind of understand. Everything your mom does is out of her neverending love for you. As a mom, you get this beautiful little baby that needs you for everything. You do your best to love and take care of this child. The job goes on for 18 years, trying to keep them healthy and safe. All of a sudden when the child turns 18, declaration of independence occurs. It is not easy to get fired after 18 years. How do you just shut off that? It is almost like you have to stop caring. You see things that your adult child is doing that could lead to danger or whatever, but you're not supposed to say anything anymore because you've been fired from a job that you have been so dedicated to for a significant part of your life.

I've been fired in the past few years, and it is not an easy thing.

I'm going to echo what others have said and say you've got to get out of the house. Save as much as you can. I think she is probably having a hard time herself in not mothering you. And as another poster said, your little one probably doesn't understand no yet and distracting him from doing something might work better. My daughter is right around the same age and no definitely doesn't work.

Yikes...
well...let me start by saying...she is still your mother..and will always worry about you.

Life now a days is very tuff, and to have to life with your parents is an even tuffer situation to be in. But she is correct it is her house and you do have to live by her rules.
The minute you moved back in with her you gave up your freedom and your say. So the best advise is for you to get on some kind of public assistance as soon as you can and get an apartment of your own. That will be the only way you can have your freedom and your right to run your family the way you want.

It does not sound to me like as long your living under her roof she will give up the control to you as a mother ..she still sees you as her little girl and not respectfully the young responsible mother you want to be. Perhaps she finds it irresponsible to not be out on your own. But in tuff times..you do what you have to.

Things for you will most likely not change as long as your living in your parents house. So before you relationship with your parents gets to a point where your no longer talking any more..you need to get out to keep good a good relationship with them.

I wish you the best of luck and hope your situation changes quickly.

You really need to move. It's not going to change. It's hard to not parent. And in a way maybe your mother is feeling jipped that she doesn't get to be the grandma that spoils and then sends him on his way. That's what grandparents do.

I think your mother thinks she's helping. As far as her telling him no to something in a different way and then reading him a story in a way she has a good idea. Well, taking the no out in the sing songy manner at least. Distraction at this age is a way better tool. Toddlers hear no so much and they are testing the waters. So instead of saying no and saving that for the really important times redirecting him to something you'd rather he play with or touch is better. Then when he goes to touch the stove a firm no is more effective because it will startle him more. If he hears it 100 times a day he's just going to ignore it. Just a suggestion.

But really I think the only solution to your problem is to move out on your own. It's hard for a parent to look at a child as an adult even if they have a child of their own when they are still living under their roof.

M.

I think you summed it up really well... "All she says is that i live under her roof and i will do what she says". Time for you to move out as soon as possible and for overprotective Grandma to visit at your convenience. Keep reinforcing (gently but firmly) to your mom that she raised you fine, and you have the parenting under control.
In your own home, your son will come to understand that Mom and Dad, and not Grandma, rule the roost. Until then I suggest that you have a heart to heart with your mom, saying something like "You did a good job raising me. I turned out fine. It is time to step back and let me parent my child without interfering. I love and respect you and I need, as an adult, to have the same respect in return."

Best of luck.
T.

There is a lot of good advice in these replies, but moving out is easier said than done.

You say you are a SAHM, and you are trying to save so you can get out on your own. Why not get a job so you can save much more quickly? If your mother is at home all day, then maybe she'd be willing to take care of your son. That gives her time to spoil him and by the time you get home from work, she will probably be happy to have a break and "give him back to you". Your son will spend less time with both of you together, which will be less conflicting for him. And most importantly, you will be able to save so much faster this way. Then when you do move out, perhaps your mother would continue to sit for him, at least a few days a week.

If your mother isn't available to sit for him during the day, perhaps you could find a night job, or at least apart time job in the evenings.

You may resent your mother's interference, but she is doing you a big favor, and living by her rules is the price you have to pay. Personally I think you should be the one to set the rules as a parent, but it is very hard to break old habits. She is just doing what comes naturally to her. When I had my foster son, girlfriend and toddler here with me, I had to watch myself. It was really hard not to contradict them. They were good parents, so it wasn't that I didn't trust their judgment. I just did things a little diffently!

Best to you all.

Why are you living there? It seems simple to me. You and your boyfriend need to move out and start living like grown-ups if you want to be treated like one. Get a job and get out or start saving money so you can live on your own. You may have to give up being a SAHM and get a job, too. It's time to grow up!!

Sounds to me like you need to get out and get out quickly. Your mom is wrong to overstep her boundries, but she does really care for your boy. So instead of creating a lasting tear with your relationship with your mom, just move out as soon as possible so you can do things your own way.
That's my 2 cents...
E.:-)

Hi J.:

My mother was like this with me until I was 23 and finally moved out of the house. Luckily, I had no child at the time. I don't think this situation will be resolved between you and her until you do move out. Grandmothers can have a tendency to want to control how you raise your children whether they live with you or not. You need to be firm about raising your son the way you want to. Again that will happen more easily when you are not under the same roof.

To help matters, don't rely on your mother so much for your own needs and babysitting...things like that. It may help the situation to look for another sitter. Not that she should be denied the right to see her grandson, but maybe she shouldn't be taking care of him as often...good luck!

Oh dear, J.. My mother is the same way. I'm 43 and my son will be 10 soon and she is controlling too. Always has been since he was born. And I live in my own place. I hate to bring you down again. You really need to get out of there as soon as possible. I know you know that. While you work, I'd have a friend or daycare watch your son. Your mother sounds just like mine. I know daycare is expensive, but I'm sure you could get help paying for them thru The Family Center in Barre. I'm not sure where you live. Hope this helps.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time. It's wonderful that your mom is supportive and trying to help you and your new little family, but I agree it must be hard to make your own family decisions if you're living in HER family home. Your story isn't unheard of, and why people don't live like the Walton Family anymore, and if they do, they don't do it for long. It's hard to have 2 moms in the house at the same time and confusing to children as well...

The only advice I can offer is to really pursue getting your own place as soon as possible. When its YOUR home, its YOUR rules. She only wants to help, but when you're trying to learn to be a mom, its hard when someone isn't allowing you to be "THE mom." She's right that if you're in her home, SHE is the boss--you'll feel the same way in your own home, too. Try to look into housing assistance in your area (since you're not married, perhaps you qualify for assistance?), save, save, save $$ and work toward having your own home with your own rules. She will admire you for that and it will show that you're no longer a child anymore. She will always worry, will always spoil your son (that's the law with grandmothers, LOL!!) and will always be your mom, but if you're in your own home, you will learn to be a better mom and she will learn to be a better grandmom (not a 2nd mother to your child). Good Luck!