Over-nights and Little Sister

That's a pretty big age gap. Forcing big sister to "play with" little sister for an entire sleepover is essentially having her babysit and will do nothing to foster a positive, loving relationship between the girls. I agree with the other suggestions that big sis and her friend should play with little sis for a short, set amount of time and then be allowed big girl time while you entertain little sis. Little sis shouldn't be standing at big sis's locked door crying all night - enjoy this time one-on-one with her while she still loves to play with you! 2 1/2 yr olds love to help cook, clean, and do whatever mom is doing. She will be easily distracted.

I know several moms who want all their kids included in everything.
Many moms flat out won't invite them anywhere, no matter what. Each child deserves their own time with friends and trying to force kids together, especially with such a huge age difference, will create resentment and damage the childrens' relationship.

your older child is entitled to her own life. As long as they have a mutual respect for each other, situations like this will not happen.

This should not be a case of big sister having to lock her door! This is a case of little sister learning to respect her older sister....& not needing to have "her" way. Time for you, as the parent, to step up to the plate & teach little sister how to behave properly.....even if it requires discipline.

My sons are 9 years apart in age. I simply devoted my time to making sure that my younger son was kept occupied & content. We always had a special "something" just for him....a movie, a Legos building night, etc. & he was allowed to pick a special food treat....just as my older son picked the food for his friends. This situation was simply not an issue once we taught our younger son the rules of our life. :)

I grew up as a little sister and my older sister was 7 years older. My parents did not expect her and her friends to entertain me - the age difference was too great. So,,, they would make arrangements for me to spend the night with Grandma or a cousin my age - so I would have my own overnight adventure! Or, they would allow me to do things for the guests - like offer refreshments. They would play board games with me and keep me entertained so that I didn't feel the need to be with my sister and her friends. They would also give me a heads up that the overnight was for my sister and her friends, and that I would have my turn at another time, and they followed through with that.

I was the older sister. My little sister is 8 years younger.
We did our own thing. She went to bed earlier than we did.
She did come in and visit a little bit and then she was off doing her own thing. My mother did not believe it was my job to include her and for that I am grateful...
It's not your older child's job to include her little sister in sleepover activities. Your youngest should still have her nightly routine and should absolutely not be crying at the door all night. She should be in her bed asleep. If the older girls are too loud, then find somewhere else for your little one to sleep.
LBC
LBC

Time to start teaching your younger child to respect the older child's privacy, time and friendships.Teaching it starting now will pay off later when both girls are older! It is not the 10 year old's job, and certainly not her friends' jobs, to entertain little sister, whether it's at a sleepover or even on a playdate of a couple of hours during the day. Some of the friends may find little sister really cute and fun to play with for a short time so you might feel like "I can leave little one with the big girls," but don't; they are not babysitters, and the interest in the younger child will fade quickly once they get busy doing 10-year-old things; then your younger girl will get upset.

Your older child will grow to resent her sister if you expect her to share her playdates, and your younger child will not learn boundaries. If little sister actually has been "at the locked door crying all night," you didn't find enough to keep her busy on her own. And when little sister gets older she, too, will want her older sister to stay out of her play dates with HER friends, so the privacy and respect go both ways.

When the older child has a play date or sleepover, the younger one is yours to entertain or distract.

My daughter's best friend is 13 and her little brother is 10. Their mom has always made the girls include little brother in their activities when my daughter spends the night. He gets to play Wii with them or games or watch movies..... Consequently, the big sister never wants to have sleepovers anymore unless they're at my house. Her mom is essentially pushing her away by not letting her have her own time with her friends. (She's even taken her son to a Jonas Brothers concert with his sister so he wouldn't feel left out!)

I think your daughter should be allowed her own time with her friends. I'm sure it's hard, but somehow you need to figure it out. Maybe have a special craft or activity planned for your little one -- or a special movie. (I have two daughters who are 10 years apart so I know how you feel.)

Sorry, but that is way too big of an age gap to FORCE them to play together all the time. Even when they are close together in age, they should be allowed to play with their friends without including sibs in EVERY thing they do. (My kids are 13 and 10, and are different genders, and usually include each other on their own--but not always. The rule is that they don't HAVE to include them, but they DO have to be kind and not rude or un-necessarily exclusionary. If son and his friend want to swim, sister can swim too. The pool is plenty big enough for 3. If they want to hang in his room and play video games, if they can all play together, fine, but if they want time without her, that is okay too. Just no rudeness allowed. We also have rules for the sib that doesn't have a friend over. No being nosy and insisting on being involved in everything. It is their SIB's guest. If they do something that they don't really want you involved in, find something else to do).

But with almost 8 years between them? The reality of that situation (whether you choose to see it this way or not) is that essentially, your older daughter and her friend are being forced to "babysit" your younger daughter. For free. On their sleepover/play dates. That's pretty sucky, in my opinion.

Your older daughter should be allowed to hang out with her 10 yr old friends without the little one constantly under foot and in the way. And yes, I said that. That doesn't mean that your older daughter NEVER needs to interact with her sister. But it shouldn't be forced when she has a friend over. Did you read where I mentioned this is like making her and her friend babysit for free?
You need to arrange things so that the younger sibling is occupied so that the older daughter can do age appropriate activities with her friends (even if that is just sitting on her bed and talking and being silly) without her younger sister involved in it. They aren't conjoined twins. They are siblings with a 7, almost 8 year age difference.

ETA: Sorry to sound so harsh. I got a little caught up in my own mind, and confused part of one of the responses with your actual post. I see that you are looking for suggestions on how to fix the issues, not defending that they should play together. Sorry! Too much to go back and edit the whole response (on only one cup of coffee) but the general ideas still work: rules for both kids, not just the older one. Involve the younger in something else. Your older shouldn't have to close the door and lock it to keep the younger one at bay---she (younger sib) should be occupied with something else so that closing/locking door isn't necessary to keep her out of the older one's room.

It's up to you to entertain the toddler. Even if the kids were close in age, I would not force one sibling and her friends to entertain another sibling. 10 year olds are not there to play with toddlers. There's nothing in common and I think it's fine to lock the younger child out. Sometimes life is disappointing and sometimes things are not age appropriate for you. Sometimes you'll cry about it. I know that some parents think that their child should be shielded from all disappointment and never have to cry but I don't subscribe that that belief. Plan something fun to do with the toddler when the middle schooler has friends over. You may feel it is "not fair," but it's not fair for 10 year olds to have to socialize at a 2 year old's level or for your older daughter to miss out on these experiences just because she has a baby sister. My son is 4 years younger than my daughter and was never allowed to interfere with her playdates, sleepovers, etc.

My son is 9 and has a 10 year old friend across the street. 10 yo has a 7 yo brother. 10 yo is not allowed to go play with friends without taking 7 yo with him. Consequently my son doesn't see 10 yo very much because the 7 yo is a holy terror and I won't allow him in my house. 10 to 2 1/2 is too big a gap to require she include the little one; you need to keep little sister entertained. Sleepovers with friends is not the time to try to foster sibling bonds , all you'll do is make the older one resent the younger one.

We tell the older one (be it SS or SD - since she's younger than he is) that they have to be nice to their sibling, but we also tell the younger one that the older want wants to hang out with their friend so come here and let's do something else. At one point, SS was old enough for PG13 and SD was not, so one of our compromises was to take SD on an errand while SS got the big TV or he had to watch his movie on the little TV and we kept SD upstairs.

I think that if the little one is crying at the door, she needs to get some Mom time or something. Maybe a special project that she gets to do when big sis is otherwise occupied. We don't allow locked, either, but closed is a deterrent for a small one. I would also ask that the friend and older child still do normal things like have dinner with the family and say good-night to the little one. Not sequester themselves in the room all night, just as a general guideline. Even my teen SD will hang out in the living room for a bit with her friends while DD bops around, but when they head to the rec room, DD stays with me.

I think some interaction is fine but you should keep the younger child busy some too and allow 10 year old to have her friend time.

I always allowed my youngest (at the time) to play with her brother and his friends for a time, then it was off to have some alone time with the younger.

I'd do this with your wee one as well. You probably don't get allot of time to spend with just one of your children so take this opportunity to love on her while the older is with her friends.

It's WIN WIN all the way around. :)

Sending good thoughts your way.

I think that the older kids need to be respectful of little sis. maybe play a game or two but then its your job your the mom to make sure little sis is not being a pain. this is the same vein of question as can I bring sibs to birthday parties lol. Big sis at ten wants to play way older things than a 2 year old can play. Let them play a game or two with her then put her to bed at her regular time. big sis should not have to entertain your little one all the time.

Neither, you entertain the little sister while the older kids play. Her brother can play a little bit with her, or she can play around them so long as she doesn't keep interfering. But ultimately you have to keep her distracted, and then put her to bed at a good hour. Let her have her own special fun night with mommy and daddy.

I agree that the two girls need to do their own thing. At my house, I have the added issue that my girls share a room, so it is much harder to say one kid can't be in there. My younger daughter also considers some of my older daughter's friends to be her friends, which can be tough. I still haven't figured out how we'll handle sleepovers b/c ideally I would like the kids to sleep in the bedroom (same floor as my room), but what do you do with the extra sibling...

This will never get any better. It's hard. I sometimes made them pay a little attention to the younger child. But then I'd make the younger child leave them alone. It would make me really angry to see how much the younger one just wanted to be part of what they were doing and they would say things about her being a pest or some other derogatory thing.

I don't have the wisdom of Solomon for this. But you'll get past it. They grow up before you know it.

well, locking the door and ignoring the little one is pretty harsh. there are plenty of other choices along the spectrum that allow your older child to enjoy her friends without being pestered by the little, but don't involve a heartbroken tiny wailing in abandonment, ya know?
i love janet's suggestion of having little sister help entertain, offer refreshments and so forth. that will involve her and probably charm the older kids into being nice to her without them having to actually include her in their activities. if they're amenable, maybe they could do a brief activity with little sister, then it's time for a party with mom! it's a great opportunity for one-on-one with your little one. but she does need to learn to respect her older sister's time with her friends.
khairete
S.

Do they share a room? Mine share a room and I require the older ones to keep the door open so that the youngest has free access to the bedroom and toys. They always close the door at some point and I have to open it again and remind them of the rule. I encourage them to find a way to include her in the game, even if it is just letting her have one of the toys and she plays on her own with it nearby. If my youngest is purposefully messing up their games, I distract her with helping me with the dishes or something. I also encourage the older kids to play their games at the table where she can't reach as well or where she could be occupied with coloring or play dough and still feel like she is part of the group. If my kids didn't share a room, I would still require them to keep the door open and tell them that they can play for an hour after the youngest goes to bed whatever it is they want to exclude her from. Good luck!

Your two are really far apart in age... too far to "force" your older one to include the younger one all night long. My sister is 8.5 years younger than I am and my parents never had that expectation of me. Locked doors were not permitted in our house, so that wasn't an issue.

As mom, if you are having a sleepover for the older child have activites and crafts that they get to do and something for the little one to do. Why would you let her cry at a shut door all night- play with her, watch a movie with her, cuddle with her in your bed and read books. If the older ones are okay with her for short periods (like dinner time, breakfast time and maybe some "dress up" time), then great. Otherwise, part of your job is to keep little one entertained and out of the way.

As a "big sister"... please don't insist that she include the "baby" in everything. Sleepovers are really important and you want your house to be a "cool place" to hang out! You'll really appreciate that status when they get older and want to come to your house after football games and school dances. Don't make your house the place where they come to entertain the little one. I assure you that you won't be hosting too many gatherings if you do! My friends STILL hang out at my parents house when we're all home for Christmas- and we're in our 30's.