Out of Town Grandparents Visit and Want to Eat Dinner Too Late for My Kids

If the grandparents are only visiting once a year, then cut the tension and throw the schedule out the window for a night or two. Tell the kids it's a special treat that they get to stay up late because grandma and grandpa are here to visit and they don't see them often.

As far as grandma's suggestion on the dinner schedule...that's all it is, a suggestion. Just smile and say maybe you'll try it sometime, knowing you're going to do what you want to do.

Since having kids, I've learned to loosen up around family...it makes for a much more enjoyable visit for all!

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I think it is OK for kids to miss some family meals at this point. Their schedule is more important. I suppose the dinner time is not the only bonding opportunity you all have...
Here are the options I see here:
1. You cook for kids, they eat at 5, GRANDMA cooks a gourmet meal for adults, you all eat later and your husband helps to clean up.
2. Your family eats at 5 as you usually do, the grandparents sit at the table and sip some tea or whatever (so the family is together) then they eat their dinner later.
3. Kids eat at 5, all adults sit with them and sip tea, having a family time, then adults eat later.
Another thing, if grandma likes to cook gourmet meals why is that YOU will be cooking/cleaning twice? Grandpa can help with the dishes as well. What are they some traveling nobles with servants lost somewhere? They do not understand that they are visiting a family with 2 small kids?
Good luck with resolving this issue.

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If it's only a couple of times a year, I'd feed the kids earlier and eat later with the grands. When we visit my grandparents, they eat closer to 7 while we eat around 5:30. So I feed my dd at her normal time (she gets REALLY cranky if she doesnt eat at her normal time) and then she sits at the table with us while we eat later and has a few things on her plate she picks at. Or sometimes she eats all over again because she's a human garbage disposal.

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I do get where you're coming from, ideally they would eat the earlier dinner with your family. But since they prefer to eat later, and they're guests in your house, I would try to accommodate their wishes. I would feed the kids early then have the later dinner with the grands while they're in town, then go right back to the regular family schedule when they leave. It's not forever and the kids learn that not everything revolves around them and *sometimes* grownups like to enjoy some time together. Also, they'll see that you value your own parents and hopefully someday when you visit your kids, they'll also eat dinner with you after your grandkids are in bed. Visiting grandparents (especially if it's only once a year) should be cherished. It won't hurt the kids to have a change in the family schedule for such a short time.

6 moms found this helpful

I tend to throw out schedules when family visits unless it effects school or sports. Also my kids love gourmet food so they would prefer the later meal over the early meal.
A couple of days of a schedule change wont hurt your kids and will show your family you do care about their visit enough to change things up for them. It will also give you kids a chance to experience new foods at home with you showing them it is a good thing.

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Your schedule is the same as ours. We don't vary from it for many things but we do change it for visiting grandparents. They take the time to drive 6 hours to stay for the weekend the least we can do is accommodate them a bit. If kids are hungry at 530, feed them at 530 but you and hubby should eat with the adults later. I always have quick, easy kids meals ready to go when we have guests. That way the kids can eat on schedule and I don't have to spend time in the kitchen preparing. Plan a sit down family meal on the weekends during the day if you want the kids to sit with you.

730 is not too early for them to go to bed in my opinion! It gives us grown up time every evening and I wouldn't go without that for anything.

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I would have family dinner at the time that works for your immediate household (sounds like 5:30 is that time). When grandparents are there for a visit and don't want to waiver on the time they eat then have your family dinner and sit and chat with grandparents while they are having theirs. If you and hubby want to eat later a few times (with or without the grandparents) that is ok too.

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Geez, they are family...how long are the effects of them coming and keeping the kids up a bit late.

BTW, your kids go to bed way early. Of course that's not my business but that is just way early. It's not even dark yet until dead of winter. I think this won't be an issue in another year because your kids will not be going to bed that early after they start school, they just won't need that much sleep. Plus, they ARE old enough to start participating in sports or gymnastics, dance, etc...and these activities sometimes don't even start until 6pm or 7pm.

There is absolutely no reason the kids can't eat, with everyone sitting there enjoying their company and visiting early. Let them have easy meals like a main food like mac and cheese with some fresh veggies and dip, then just pop their dishes in the dishwasher and add the rest later.

Family is forever, schedules are made to be flexible and tend to change from month to month.

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I'm also with your MIL for this one. Occasionally adjusting the routine is fine. You'll get to have a nice, fancy adult dinner after the kids are in bed! I don't know about you, but I crave that!

I'd feed the kids at their normal time, and instead of cooking, why not treat them to a Happy Meal, or jsut do something simple, like PB&J sandwiches, so you don't have to fully cook everything?

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I'm with the majority on this one: for a time or 2 during the year, I would attempt compromise somewhere in the middle, but if that clearly wasn't working out, I'd do it the way the grand's are requesting. It's not going to screw up the kids for a few nights of things being different. Either feed them early & put them to bed then have an adult meal, or feed the kids a little bit later than they normally would & have everyone sit down together. This does not fall into the category of stuff I would ever bother arguing about.

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Once a year? hmmm...What would I choose? hmmm...once a year...

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L., don't worry about the grands. They have their way, you have yours. Feed those kids and put them to bed like you are used to. Let the grands eat when and what they want. If you can eat with the grands, that would be helpful.

Try to get them to the table to sit with the kids and enjoy them during early dinner. Give grandpa the job of reading to the kids right before bedtime, so that GRANDMA is free to do the second dinner. You should not have to cook twice. Tell her that if they want a later, fancier dinner, she needs to make it.

Here's how it really works - you put the dinner on the table, they either eat it, or they don't. If they want a nicer dinner later, that's up to them, but not your job to cook it. It's only your job to cook one, and that is what works for YOUR family.

Good luck!!
D.

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I so miss my Grandma, even though she died when I was 6. I still remember sitting on her lap and playing with a necklace she wore, and the smell of her homemade tortillas coming from the kitchen. My dad is now dying, and both he and Mom have dementia. I research our family's genealogy and asked my dad a question about his uncle a few days ago and he started crying, twice. I felt terrible, I'd forgotten that old memories are freshest in his mind, and the sudden, unexpected, violent death of his uncle seemed to him as if it happened last week. Also, I'm a Grandma myself, with grandchildren from SoCal where I live, to New York to Germany. So this is all where I'm coming from...

Your annual visit is done, so this conflict won't come up again until next year, right? Of course if it's all too "horrible" (and I don't say this in sarcasm or criticism, L., I'm merely quoting what you wrote) for you to deal with they could stay at a hotel. But my suggestion is that you and your husband sit down and talk it over before the next visit. Be somewhat flexible with the dinner time, say move it to 6:30 to accommodate everyone, and call Grandma before they arrive to let her know this, and that everyone will be eating dinner at that time together. Bath time can take place before dinner, say from 6-6:30, then afterward dinner, a story or two, brushing teeth, potty and bed, which should still be able to be accomplished by 7:30. Your kids will be a year older by then, too, and could surely benefit from spending time with their grandparents over dinner. And even if they don't nap anymore a "quiet time" where they lay in bed with just books for 45 minutes to an hour is always beneficial.

It is your house, and, yes, you can lay down the law, "Dinner is at 5:00," but if it's once a year my advice is to work together, tell Grandma you can move dinner an hour later. There's no reason you need to cook separately for the kids and clean up a separate mess, just offer a helping hand to Grandma in preparing dinner, (she'll probably refuse as she likes to do it herself0 and if Grandma cooks the meal you, your husband, and Grandpa can clean up as a "thank you" to her for cooking.

Family and pleasant memories are way more important to me than schedules or resentment, kids are SO much more adaptable and flexible then we give them credit for, and nowhere have I seen that anyone is guaranteed to be alive even tomorrow, let alone a year from now. Spend your time and energy enjoying their visit and encouraging a relationship between your children and their grandparents ~ blessed are the flexible✿

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I haven't read your other responses, but my feeling in general on ANY out of town guests (whether I am hosting them or whether I am the guest myself) is that you do as the "house" does. Meaning, when I come to visit you, I don't dictate what time I eat at, I follow the already established family rules. I also expect the same at my house. To me, it's common courtesy and respect. And not to put children up on a pedestal, but their meal requirements and timing is important. When our family is together, we all eat together. I will never ever make a separate, gourmet meal for myself and my husband later. Uh uh. Just my opinion.

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You said family dinners are important but doesn't that include grandparents too? May I suggest a compromise? Everyone could have dinner about 6 - 6:30 with the kids having a healthy snack later in the day than usual. That way they won't get cranky because they are hungry.

Let your children get to know their grandparents. The visit is once a year and flexibility is the key. I remember staying with my grandparents as a child and they ate dinner very early. Grandma let us have desert about the time of our usual dinner. I learned alot about my grandparents across the dinner table.

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I would have a dinner for the kids at their usual time and a dinner for the adults at another time. Encourage Grandma to make something special for the kids if she loves to cook. Then you can still have "family time" between dinners or whoever isn't eating at that stage sits and chats with the others who are. There are times when my stepson works late and gets leftovers and sometimes we just sit and talk to him even though our dinner is done.

You could also offer the kids a snack so they can have dinner later and try to get Grandma to have it ready more like 7 than 8.

I think most important is all the rest of the visiting time. Dinner is just one aspect of it.

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I'm an out of town grandparent but I don't expect my DIL to "entertain" me. I usually bring things for me to do while I am there and while they are at work. If I can I try to do things for them to help them out and keep things on an even kiel.

My DIL is similar to you where she was brought up that family that visit are "guests" in the home. I know that is nice but that can become old and tiresome for all involved and hence my projects. She loosened up quite a bit this last visit and now knows that she can be herself. In fact as a good will gesture I tidied up the kitchen for her. They both thought they were in a model home kitchen. But that neither here nor there just a family thing.

What I have learned over the years is that family is more important than schedules and routines. Tomorrow is not promised. Schedules do help to keep things organized but there should be flexibility built into them as each day can be a new day especially with little children.

So please enjoy the family and learn to relax around them - they are not going to bite you. Sometimes older grands can't seem to remember or forget about the meal time when their children were little.

The other S.

PS I missed out on my grandson growing up being the ages your two are. It is only now that he is 14 that we are getting closer bonding experience. Don't take that away from them because there will be holes that cannot be filled in. Love to your whole family.

PPS Possibly I feel this way because I was a military wife and you have to make friends fast and you have a short amount of time together before one of you gets orders to the next assignment. Many times we spouses fill in for other family members in situations from births to deaths and keep things going smoothly. Just another point of view.

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IF they aren't around for too long, then it's no big deal. .also, simply cook your kids a meal , feed them and be done with it.. you are over-thinking this and feeling victimized for nothing... don't forget, the grandparents have been doing it their way much longer , perhaps old habits are hard to break.. so what if you don't share a meal.. share other time.. you have all day right? you are looking at this too much as either good or bad... have snacks together .. kids that age, don't care... you are trying to control too much of this to accommodate your way of thinking. go with the flow and ease up a little bit.. what's more important is that your kids see you getting along nicely with the grandparents and not imposing your will on everyone..

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I would give the kids a snack at their normal dinner time. Do your usual routine baths and getting ready for bed. Then enjoy the dinner that the grandparents prepare as a family. Maybe the kids will eat it, maybe they won't. Then you and hubbie put the kids to bed right after you eat (don't start cleaning up). If you are lucky while you are putting the kids to bed the grands will start cleaning up the kitchen - if not, then the extra work just comes with having guests.

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I am grandparent. When we visit our little sweeties, we are on THEIR schedule. I think it is a bit much to ask you to change your schedule not only for when they are visiting, but it sounds like grandma thinks you should change it permanently. Having a lovely dinner one night when it might not matter if the little ones get to bed a bit later is one thing...but for the whole visit...nope! Family dinner is extremely important in my book. MIL can make all the suggestions she wants, thank her for her input and do what works for you and YOUR family. I am with you...go mama!

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If they come once a year...I would bend over backwards to allow the grandparents to have a wonderful visit. So, it throws your schedule off for a week...kids are flexible they will bounce right back as soon and the grands leave.

Cook gourmet stuff, eat at 8pm (give the kids a snack earlier to hold them over), heck have ice cream for breakfast, whatever the grandparents want...now if they lived with you full time, different story...but once a year, cut them some slack!!!

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This is a BOUNDARY issue!!! Who should be more flexible, little kids or grandparents?! I'd just kindly tell Grandma that you're going to do dinner at the kids time. If they want to eat something later on before bed, they are welcome to fend for themselves or snack or whatever, but dinner time will be when the kids are ready. If you're cheery and upbeat about it, hopefully Grandparents will not make a stink. If they do...well they need to be reminded that little kids need their rest and they won't sleep well with a full tummy so late in the evening, and its important in your home to have a family meal together. Also it's YOUR home and so you are the one to set the schedule. :)

Best wishes! I know its tough to have those conversations with family, but it will all be for the best in the end!

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If they are staying with you, its your house, your rules. I would simply say that we eat as a family and that includes when family visits. I don't see why THEY care if they eat early or late but keeping the kids up past their normal routine is too much. Good luck!

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Don'g know how long they're with you but I'd try to have one meal with the kids & the folks together, whether that's early or late, and one meal without the kids late. If they're with you a long time, then you'll have to suit the kids and have the inconvenience of eating later with the grands and cooking/cleaning 2x. Try to have her cook those nites and do simple food for the kids. Too bad they can't be more flexible. We are late eaters too but always go with whatever our hosts are doing when we're visiting. Don't know why they can't but you can't change people.

I think that daily routines are just different when people are visiting, or if you are out of your house.
You'll eventually want your kids to learn to be a little flexible or down the road because you may end up with some unpleasant encounters in the future if you run into situations where dinner can't be served exactly at 5 or 530. (power outage, vacations, change in jobs,...anything could upset your set schedule)
If they only come once a year, a little bit of special time for them and for you should be welcomed! enjoy a break from the daily routine and live a little! enjoy someone else cooking for you, let your kids enjoy being a little wild and "staying up late" it'll all return back to normal once they leave and everyone will have had fun!!

When you go someone's house you adapt to their schedule not vice versa.

Granted it is nice to do things for houseguests, but eating dinner at 7:30 at night is ridiculous. Also you shouldn't have to make two meals.

Out of respect for you and your husband they should eat dinner at the time you do. You wouldn't expect them to change if you were at their house, would you?

As far as eating at different times than the kids. Really? You are a family and the kids eat what you eat.

I feel your pain!! I love my father-in-law, but he seems to think that the world revolves around him and it's very apparent that he never had to put his children's wants/needs before his own (he had his 2 weeks with my husband and his sister, and pretty much didn't see them the rest of the year). He and his wife (who doesn't get involved in these issues because they've only been married 5 years) seem to think that we should be the ones to travel to see them because they live in a "better" location: they're both retired, my husband and I have 4 jobs between the 2 of us, 2 toddlers...and they have more money than us! Not to mention they both have close family here, and we know NO ONE where they live. Then whenever they do come to visit us, they demand that we clear our schedule so they can just come and go whenever they please. They also eat their meals very late (compared to us) and always act surprised when we tell them what time we normally eat.

Anyway, I try to be more flexible than usual when we are with them--pushing back mealtimes and bedtimes a bit if possible--but I refuse to do 2 separate meal times at our home. There was one time that they ate later without me and the kids (hubby chose to eat later with them) and my father-in-law and his mother made several comments about me not eating with them so I simply reminded them that I was taking care of their grandkids (bath and bedtime) and there's never been an issue since. I tell them what time dinner will be, and they don't complain. When we're on "their turf", they always ask when the kids will be eating and they plan the "adult" meal after that time. It drives me crazy, but I just try to smile and deal with it.

As for your mother-in-law trying to change your schedule even when she's not around, I have taken the approach of saying, "That's an idea!". Don't say anything more--no need to convince her why you do it the way you do it or why her way won't work for you. If she asks later on if you've taken her advice, just say no and don't offer any more explanation unless she asks a specific question. If she continues to try to force her ideas on you, I would explain (as politely as possible) that while her ideas may have worked for her, you have chosen to do things differently and if she can't accept that, then that's her problem to deal with--not yours.

Good luck!!