B.S. asks from Glendive, MT on April 23, 2008
Out of Controll 12 Year Old
My 12 (just about 13) year old doughter is way out of controll,She is in the 7th grade scores in every subject collage levels and she has a 1.2 GPA right now she is vilent towards her brother(9) and sisters(twins8),She will not do any chores,nor will she listen at all very disrespectful to my self and siblings(not to her dad)We have tried so maney things talking,takeing away property and privliges,grounding,counseling,it seems every thing with NO respose reprive or reaction,Her and her behavior started 4 years ago I and exsasting all of my energy on this and it is now takeing it's tole on my mental,emotional and physical state.I cant eveny enjoy my other children,my husband or my self.At first we thought it will go away and tried to give her space just thought mabey she is growing up a little and we need to be pastiant and understanding with her but as time has gone on and we have tried sooooo maney options I am out of ideas.Her behavor is getting worse along with her grades daily,The last thing that I want to do is to loose hope,my husband works 15-19 hour days six days aweek and would love to be able to come home to her old happy loveing self agian witch would change all of our moods,She has it in her to be the wonderfull pre teen that she can be and is at grandmas but she makes the choice to behave in this manner.For her sake I would love for her to be happy and enjoy this time in her life befor she grows up to much more,Please anyone any advice would be greatand so appriciated ,Thank you
J.O. answers from Wausau on April 24, 2008
L.B. answers from Sioux Falls on April 24, 2008
I agree with the Psychological evaluation, she sounds like she could be bi polar. I know people who are bipolar can be extremely smart and have a terrible time controlling their emotions. I also know that medication really helps them. Good Luck!
L.H. answers from Milwaukee on April 24, 2008
She's the oldest of 4 kids which makes things difficult. Does she ever get alone time with you? What did the counselor have to say? Did you try more than one? Is she talking to the counselor at school? Does she have bad choices in friends if so what do you do about it?
B.H. answers from Minneapolis on April 23, 2008
Maybe what she needs is positive attention!
I know the last thing you think she deserves because she's so much trouble. With her younger siblings and twins maybe she feels left out, invisiable or not important. If this behavior just started out of the blue 4 years ago I'd say something triggered it.
Try a mom/daughter day out go get your nails or hair done, go to a coffee shop or a movie or out for icecream just the two of you. She may come around.
G.L. answers from Rochester on April 24, 2008
Hi B. ~ It sounds like your daughter is hurting in a big way! Keep on loving her the way only a mother can. Try to get to the root of the problem - peer pressure, friends or family conflict, other trouble at school?
Maybe because your daughter is so intelligent she is not challenged enough at school and needs to be in a different environment that is condusive to her learning style.
Does she have anyone to talk to?
I wish you and your family happiness.
S.N. answers from Milwaukee on April 24, 2008
I have a son the same age and have noticed some changes in him also, so I think it's normal to an extent. But with her grades falling like they are, that's a different story. Have you talked with her teachers to see how she acts in school? Is she withdrawn or social? What about the guidance counselor at her school? She may be having some emotional issues or social problems in school and takes it out on her family. What are her friends like? What about drugs...I know the last thing you want to think about, but they're out there. This is such a different world that we live in today and it can be so so stressful on our children.
Good luck with everything.
M.P. answers from Minneapolis on April 24, 2008
I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you and your family is going through struggles with your daughter. I know how hard it is - been there, still there! Communication is key and I think that she needs to know that you love her no matter what. Preteens and teens try to see how far they can go before they really drive their parents crazy. Sometimes they don't like themself and they take it out on you. If there is something that she is good at, make sure to let her know you recognize and are proud of that. And model to her that you are proud of yourself, too! Remember, the little ones pick up so much of mom's issues and modeling. Stay strong and above her pettiness. You're a great mom, because you care and you think about her. You keep the family together in spite of some big challenges. Talk to her about what you do well and stay positive. If she goes negative, then time to stop for awhile. Take breaks and then come back to each other. It's a really tough road. Blessings to you~
A.A. answers from Iowa City on April 24, 2008
My older sister was quite a bit like your daughter from the sounds of it. My mom and I went through a lot of hard times trying to get her to snap out of it. I don't know what state you live in, but my sister ended up being declared a child in need of assistance by the court and was placed in a group home for about a year. I know that kind of choice is hard to make, and isn't a guaranteed solution, and at first the child hates and resents you for it. It is not easy, for anyone involved. But I have to tell you, when she came home at the end of it, we were all SO happy to have our Amber back. My sister who once despised me so much she wouldn't let me hug her is now my bestfriend, and since we lost our mother she has been the center of my support system. Neither one of us (or my mom for that matter who went back to college during all this and graduated second in her class) would change a thing about the situation. Her grades went up to an A to B average, she did her chores, she was pleasant to be around, it was wonderful. If you'd like more information, she was in Quakerdale which is located in Waterloo, IA. Reguardless of what you choose, I wish you the best of luck!
L.G. answers from Minneapolis on April 24, 2008
Hopefully your 12 year old was trained as a young child to do the right things and obey her parents. That way she'll have a solid foundation. Sometimes fathers are a little better at following through with discipline than mothers. Mothers tend to get emotional sometimes and when they say there are going to be consequences for a certain action, they don't always follow through, hence, the older daughter loses respect for the mother. You may want to ask your husband's advice on this. He needs you to be consistent and firm with your daughter so that he does come home to a peaceful house. Sometimes being "tough" with your kid is the most loving thing you can do. They'll thank you for it in the long run.
T.D. answers from Omaha on April 24, 2008
I would look up the internet and find something on child behaivor books and try that..talk to your husband and see what he says because she is not disrespectful to him just you and other kids and that is not right..its not fair to you or other children..i totally understand how you feeel..I have a 12 1/2 old daughter and she is mouthy.. i ship her hindy to bed at 8pm with her if she dont stop yelling at me or fighting with her sisters and brother.. she loves computer and if contiues with that she get computer taken away and she thinks she is going to die without the computer..i told her to knock it off now or straighen up normally that dont work but i still ship her hindy to bed at 8 pm and her bedtime is 9pm..i will move it earlier and earlier until she stops! eventully she does.. i feel for ya! i really do..i going through the same thing... Maybe try reading on child behaivor books...
J.O. answers from Wausau on April 24, 2008
I would take her to a doctor to be screened for depression. I developed clinical depression around the time I hit puberty. Min e went untreated until I had graduated from high school. I cannot tell you how much I wish my parents had put me on medication long before then...