Out of Controll 12 Year Old

Maybe what she needs is positive attention!

I know the last thing you think she deserves because she's so much trouble. With her younger siblings and twins maybe she feels left out, invisiable or not important. If this behavior just started out of the blue 4 years ago I'd say something triggered it.

Try a mom/daughter day out go get your nails or hair done, go to a coffee shop or a movie or out for icecream just the two of you. She may come around.

Hi B. ~ It sounds like your daughter is hurting in a big way! Keep on loving her the way only a mother can. Try to get to the root of the problem - peer pressure, friends or family conflict, other trouble at school?
Maybe because your daughter is so intelligent she is not challenged enough at school and needs to be in a different environment that is condusive to her learning style.
Does she have anyone to talk to?
I wish you and your family happiness.

I have a son the same age and have noticed some changes in him also, so I think it's normal to an extent. But with her grades falling like they are, that's a different story. Have you talked with her teachers to see how she acts in school? Is she withdrawn or social? What about the guidance counselor at her school? She may be having some emotional issues or social problems in school and takes it out on her family. What are her friends like? What about drugs...I know the last thing you want to think about, but they're out there. This is such a different world that we live in today and it can be so so stressful on our children.

Good luck with everything.

I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you and your family is going through struggles with your daughter. I know how hard it is - been there, still there! Communication is key and I think that she needs to know that you love her no matter what. Preteens and teens try to see how far they can go before they really drive their parents crazy. Sometimes they don't like themself and they take it out on you. If there is something that she is good at, make sure to let her know you recognize and are proud of that. And model to her that you are proud of yourself, too! Remember, the little ones pick up so much of mom's issues and modeling. Stay strong and above her pettiness. You're a great mom, because you care and you think about her. You keep the family together in spite of some big challenges. Talk to her about what you do well and stay positive. If she goes negative, then time to stop for awhile. Take breaks and then come back to each other. It's a really tough road. Blessings to you~

My older sister was quite a bit like your daughter from the sounds of it. My mom and I went through a lot of hard times trying to get her to snap out of it. I don't know what state you live in, but my sister ended up being declared a child in need of assistance by the court and was placed in a group home for about a year. I know that kind of choice is hard to make, and isn't a guaranteed solution, and at first the child hates and resents you for it. It is not easy, for anyone involved. But I have to tell you, when she came home at the end of it, we were all SO happy to have our Amber back. My sister who once despised me so much she wouldn't let me hug her is now my bestfriend, and since we lost our mother she has been the center of my support system. Neither one of us (or my mom for that matter who went back to college during all this and graduated second in her class) would change a thing about the situation. Her grades went up to an A to B average, she did her chores, she was pleasant to be around, it was wonderful. If you'd like more information, she was in Quakerdale which is located in Waterloo, IA. Reguardless of what you choose, I wish you the best of luck!

Hopefully your 12 year old was trained as a young child to do the right things and obey her parents. That way she'll have a solid foundation. Sometimes fathers are a little better at following through with discipline than mothers. Mothers tend to get emotional sometimes and when they say there are going to be consequences for a certain action, they don't always follow through, hence, the older daughter loses respect for the mother. You may want to ask your husband's advice on this. He needs you to be consistent and firm with your daughter so that he does come home to a peaceful house. Sometimes being "tough" with your kid is the most loving thing you can do. They'll thank you for it in the long run.

B.-

I would look up the internet and find something on child behaivor books and try that..talk to your husband and see what he says because she is not disrespectful to him just you and other kids and that is not right..its not fair to you or other children..i totally understand how you feeel..I have a 12 1/2 old daughter and she is mouthy.. i ship her hindy to bed at 8pm with her if she dont stop yelling at me or fighting with her sisters and brother.. she loves computer and if contiues with that she get computer taken away and she thinks she is going to die without the computer..i told her to knock it off now or straighen up normally that dont work but i still ship her hindy to bed at 8 pm and her bedtime is 9pm..i will move it earlier and earlier until she stops! eventully she does.. i feel for ya! i really do..i going through the same thing... Maybe try reading on child behaivor books...

I would take her to a doctor to be screened for depression. I developed clinical depression around the time I hit puberty. Min e went untreated until I had graduated from high school. I cannot tell you how much I wish my parents had put me on medication long before then...

Hi B. im sorry u are facing this. I have kinda the same issue at home. Not quite as bad yet. I have a 12 year old doing some of the same things. Have u tried counseling. At my house we have a reward system. I have a chart that i typed up myself. One list is stuff that he is expected to do. Like get up when i wake him up, shower, dishwasher and so on. Chores are included. Then i have a naughty sheet too. Like being mean to sibling or mumbling under breathe, slamming doors, cusing, not obeying right away. I give a check mark on the good chart when something is completed and same on teh bad one when they act up. They have to get 6 good things and are only allowed 6 naughty marks. If they get more on the naughty list than 6 they loose ALL electronic priveldges (sp) such as Tv, cell phone, phone, games, anything that requires a battery and so on. If they are good then they get a poker chip and those can be exchanged for 1 dollar each or they can keep them and let them add up and get to do certain things. Like a movie or have a friend over to play. So far this is working pretty good for me. I got the idea from a friend that went to a seminar she had to go to. Im trying to find her name out from a friend when i do ill send it along. She has books on it and all. This works for us and i want to wish u luck with your daughter!

Your husband works 15-19 hour days six days a week??? I have no idea if there is a connection, but one of my sons tends to get very angry/emotional/difficult when my husband works a lot of overtime. It was his way of dealing with the frustration of not having Dad around. He was never angry toward his dad, of course. He took it out on me since I was the one home with the kids all the time. We discovered this correlation a few years back and since then, my husband has made it a point to cut way back on work hours. Yes, we make a lot less money. But we are far richer in the time spent together as a family.
I would definitely seek the counseling options that others have suggested, as well as a good medical evaluation. Best of luck as you go through this difficult time with your daughter.

Hi B.....I Have a 14 year old son that had the same issues. He began in 6th grade. He went to middle school and everything went down hill. He is also very smart had honors classes and everthing. He chose not to do his daily work or homework, but passed his tests with A's. We fought with him for months. i was at my witz end. Some one suggested ADHD, and i became very deffensive. My very brilliant child couldn't have anything like that!! Besides, I wasn't going to medicate him! After months of this and his grades failing, I finally decided to see what they had to say! He was diagnosed with inatentive ADHD(Lack of concentration and organization) and anxiety. He is now in 9th grade. In love with music (he plays numerous instuments)and has 4 (AP)honor classes. We still struggle occassionly with him doing his work, but all is getting better. The medication has helped dramatically , we can really tell when he doesn't take it. "AUGH" I have heard that alot of the brilliant people have ADHD. Hang in there it will get better, Feel free to email me if you would like to talk more!

Hi B.
In your post you said she is disrespectful to you and your children but not her dad. Is this because he doesn't let her or he is not around enough to be disrespectful too. She may be really missing him and wanting more of his time. My son will be very defiant and disrespectful when he needs more one on one time.

I also suggest you read the five love languages of children by Gary Chapman&Ross Campbell. This book is amazing at helping you understand what your children need and want from you. I worked wonders on are son because he thought if I loved him I should know what he need when he needed it. Best wishes to you in this diffucult time of parenting :)T.

I definitely think these responses are along the right lines. Get her in counseling, even if it is just at school or through church. If you have a good church that you go to, make sure you are going regularly and take advantage of the youth programs they have there -- these types of things are often great for adolescents. I also agree that more positive attention is needed. You can get a great book called "Angry Kids, Frustrated Parents," from Boys Town/Girls Town Press. I have their book "Common Sense Parenting" for toddlers and it has worked wonders with my 3-year old. They also have one called "Dealing With Your Kids' 7 Biggest Troubles." You can order the books at 1-800-282-6657. MORE IMPORTANTLY, you can call their Hotline anytime, with any problem, and they will talk you through it. 1-800-448-3000. Finally, I would take a hard look at doing The Mother Daughter Project. It may seem impossible to take a bunch of time for one when you have so much responsibility, but it will pay back with a harmonious family. http://www.themother-daughterproject.com/ourbook.htm

As all of your children are in school full time, perhaps you could go back to work and allow your husband to work decent hours. He could then be home with the family and the two of you could be a team with her.
Violence against the other children has to stop by whatever means. I would think at this point you might be takingher toa clinicalpsychologist for some sort of diagnosis. ADHA or oppositional defiance disorder may be causing these symptoms.

She's the oldest of 4 kids which makes things difficult. Does she ever get alone time with you? What did the counselor have to say? Did you try more than one? Is she talking to the counselor at school? Does she have bad choices in friends if so what do you do about it?

I think she should get psychological evaluation. This has gone on a really long time, and there may be something you don't know about. I'd get her into counseling as soon as possible before something really serious happens.

Have you ever heard of a program called the transformation program? It was created by James Lehman. We tried it with our son about a year ago and have made some progress. His attitude has improved tremendously. Check out the website and are if it sounds right for you.

Good luck and god bless.

Please get yourself and husband and daughter in to see a good child psychologist! It helps having both parents so the dr. can evaluate more than one opinion. She could be ADHD, unable to control her actions and/or she could be in the bi-polar spectrum. Don't let them tell you she has to be hallucinating in order to be considered bi-polar. Mood stabalizers can do wonders, as can stimulants if it's just ADHD- which can come out as anger also. Best wishes. It's not fair to any of you, especially she and her siblings, to have to deal with such flying emotions and rage.

Hi B.,
I think it's great that your putting in so much effort into your daughter. I realize that this could be emotional and psychological but I have to point out what you name as the first problem. She is scoring incredibly high but has poor grades. I think you may just have a gifted and bored child on your hands. This has probably been going on since she was very young. You may just want to get her tested for some kind of learning disability or to at least find her learning style. Schools can only handle so many and if she has a different learning style than they focus on she may need some outside help. She's obviously intelligent but I fear she may be extremely bored and frustrated with her classes which, at that age is one of few ways to rate your own success. She may be acting out of feelings of worthlessness since no matter what she tries in school she's just not cutting it. Good luck!!!

Just a couple of things pop out to me. Something could have happened four years ago. As was said before, it could be something inappropriate or tragic that happened at school or with someone she trusted, and she is upset that you didn't notice. Also, to start with a physical with your pediatrician and address issues there.
Does your school offer classroom evaulations from accredited counselors? I have a friend, who because of the school's evaulation (teacher to counselor to psychologist) was referred to doctor for a form of ADHD. I'm not saying it is that, but could be another behavioral/mental issue. Remember to take care of yourself. If you can't be good and healthy for yourself, you can't be for her either. Good luck and my prayers are with you and your family.

A couple of things to check out:
www.loveandlogic.com - if you can find a community class in your area you and your husband should check it out - has really made wonderful changes in our home.

Also www.eaglebrookchurch.com - several messages on parenting

Best of luck to you.

I agree with the Psychological evaluation, she sounds like she could be bi polar. I know people who are bipolar can be extremely smart and have a terrible time controlling their emotions. I also know that medication really helps them. Good Luck!

I feel for you and don't have any advice accept to read the book called, Parenting With Love and Logic : Teaching Children Responsibility By:Foster W. Cline, Jim Fay. Jim Fay is a national speaker on the subject of parenting and teaching children. You can probably even find this book at the library. It is on sale at Amazon for about $17.

I can tell you that is gives very specific examples on how to deal with children with natural consequences and gives you a game plan for dealing with daily conflict. It is an excellent book. I use some of the principals with my 5 and 6 year olds and it really does work. The best part is that you don't have to be angry with your child all the time because you have a plan on how to respond. A lot of times my anger stems from not knowing what to do. I highly recommend this book for all parents.

Hi B.,

Very good advise has been given, just to give my two cents. Not only would I look into the behavior health issues such as adhd but also try to find out if there wasn't something that caused this to happen something very tramatizing to her. It could be a peer/social issue, maybe someone was inapropriate with her family friend or family member. Don't leave any stone unturned. Some of the behavior is normal preteen stuff but some of it isn't. I am sure you will get to the bottom of things. Good luck and God Bless

B. Have you tried having your husband and your other family members (including yourself) sit down and tell your daughter how her actions affect the rest of you?

And as far as her homework, i tried this with my 18 year old and it worked wonders, give her 1 hour of "leisure" time in the evening after school. Then have her go to her room and work on her homework, when it is done you can check it and then she can be rewarded with more "leisure" time if there is time before her bed time. My son also has to do dishes after dinner in the evening. In about 1 month his grades went from being f's to c's and better.

I found that he would try to get out of his room to do other things. Just be relentless, it will pay off.

Hi B.,
I am a mom and a middle school teacher. My gut tells me that something happened 4 years ago. The fact that she is delivering angert to you and siblings but can realte well to her grandma and dad is something to observe better. Why is she good at her grandma's? How does grandma decrease your dughter's attitude? Who goes there? Have youa sked grandma about this? Who goes to see your house frequently? When does she particularly gets her bad attitude?
I believe she is mad because you are not seeing what she is dealing with, and she wants you to know what it is. She won't tell you what it is though.