Our 15 Year Old Is Drinking

Take hime out to do some volunteering. Homeless shelters always need help. And many of the homeless struggle with addiction. They could show him how something like alcohol addiction can destroy a life. Look up the DUI statistics for your area and print those out. Show him how many people get killed every year by drinking and people trying to "have a good time". Just conversations in general about the dangers will sink in even if you don't think they are.
I 100% agree with April(?) that said to call the local police station and ask what they would do. They may have someone in the juvenille detention center willing to talk. Or some kind of specialized community service they can refer you to. I hope you find a way to get it through how dangerous drugs and alcohol are. Good luck!

Dear J., I wish I had some words of wisdom, but other than going to Alanon (phone number in phone book) and spending lots of time in prayer, I sure couldn't tell you what to do. I just felt the need to let you know that I'm sending you and your entire family love and light. You might want to check out "Zero Limits," a book and CD by Joe Vitale. It's a very different approach to problem solving, but I have found it helpful. Love and blessings, D. R.

Hi J.. I am writing you to tell you I understand the issue you are going through, only it was my biological son. I had caught him drinking, smoking and I believe there was more but I was not for sure I could never catch him at it. I tried the things you tried. I ended up finding him a mentor, someone I trusted and that he trusted enough to talk to. It started out as his mentor offering him a job well my son started work for him and ended up mostly talking about the things going on with my son. Needless to say my son quit drinking and doing the other things. It was like he was a new child. My son is 19 now and he has been doing great. I wish you the best of luck. Just remember dont give up on him and be carefull not to push him to hard to make things worse.
L. C.

J.,

For one thing, you and your husband need to sit down and agree that your son's mother needs to be aware. I would schedule a time for the three of you to meet and talk about this issue together as mature adults. Now is not the time for petty issues to be brought up and it is not the time for the blame game. Now is the time to set your disagreements aside and focus on your son and his needs. Obviously by his behavior he is letting you all know that the way things are going is not working for him.
He has a need that is not being filled and therefore, he is trying to fill it in destructive ways. It doesn't matter at this point whose fault it is, what matters is that the three of you get together and devise a plan to build a stronger relationship with your son so that his needs are being addressed.
Alcohol is very destructive to a family and should not be taken lightly.
At this point, you all could probably take one guess and you would know exactly why your son is turning to alcohol to fill his need. It could be that he has been the target of frustration or that his feelings have been ignored, or something different. Whatever the reason is, it's time to take action and pay attention to him and what he says. What does he complain about the most? What makes him feel sad or depressed? Is he heard when he speaks? Listen to him and instead of telling him what to do, just be there for him.
Make time to plan more time and activities with him and establish a new relationship.
Don't come down on him when he makes a mistake, simply give him appropriate consequences and let him know that you are there for him and that you love him.
He is at a crucial age right now and he needs the extra attention and understanding to get him through these "peer led" years.
Ask for his forgiveness in any area that you each have failed him and ask him if he can tell you (on a weekly basis) how you are each doing as a parent on a scale of 0-10. Ask him how you can improve as a parent and then listen to him closely without being defensive. Make an effort to work on the things that he brings up. Ask him what it would take for him to feel complete and content in life. Ask him if there is any way that you can contribute to helping him get through different obstacles that he may be facing. Ask him what makes him feel loved the most; spending time together, giving him praise(words of affirmation), giving him gifts, doing things for him (acts of service), or physical touch (hugs, back rubs, etc...) And then, be there for him. Have a daily or weekly talk about how things are going. Let him know that he is very important to you and that you will do whatever it takes to be there for him (even to put anger at his mother aside).
Shower him with love, the way he would like, and keep him close. At this age, you can either give him up to the world or you can fight for him. He needs to know that he is worth fighting for.
Take Care,
T. (mother of 4)

P.s. As for the drinking, my 20 year old decided to try smoking cigars one time. I found the wrapper in his room. I printed up the "Dangers of smoking cigars (and anything else)" on the computer and highlighted the one's that I knew would affect him personally for his future, like "erectile disfunction", with a bright yellow highlighter. I then taped it on his wall in his room. Later that day, he came to me with a sheepish grin and said, "OK, I am definately not going to do that again!" He quit and still laughs about that letter today. He says, "Boy, mom didn't have to even say one single word to me, she knew exactly where to 'hit' home!" I haven't had any other issues with him since. Maybe he's afraid of another letter???

Contact your local police station to ask if they have any suggestions - They are always happy to hear from parents trying to stop this type of situation. They may be aware of someone that is a recovering alcoholic who 'gives back' by speaking to others.

You can also use the internet to search for such people/organizations/local recovery centers (Not AA) where a staff member would be willing to express how alcohol damages lives everyday. I think printing the long term effects is a good idea.

The best advice is to do what you can to plant the seed that what he is doing is destructive to himself - Unfortunately, your step-son will have to decide the rest.

call the cops on him for under age drinking and Grandpa, warn him to stop suppling or he get contubuting to a minor.Legally cover your self so you don't get charged
Tell the school to be on alert,
I married an alkie and my children are messed up

Hi J.,
There is not a lot of information here who dose the boy reside with? I am assuming you and his father, Do you have other children. How long have you been in this boys life. Were you the casue of the breakup?

First of all you are not the biological parent so the disapline needs to come from the dad. You my dear need to be friends with the boy "a mentor". You are the one he needs to come to when his life is in an uproar. You need to be the mediator, not the parent. He has two parents and you my friend need to understand. You and he need to have respect both ways and it is earned both ways. So here is my input on the situation, Talk to him. Be a friend. this boy will LEARN to listen. He is being rebelious yes he is 15 years old that is what they do. he is testing his limits, just like anyother kid in his situations. boys are so imature and he will not grow up or change if his living arrangements don't.

Talk to his mom and his grandfather and tell them what is happening. What is going on.. Not that OMG he is drinking.. He is NOT DRINKING he is experimenting. The boys actions on which you are talking is NORMAL.. A TYPICAL YOU MIGHT SAY. Talk to him, show him what drinking dose.. What happens slowly to one's life with the effects of Alcholol.. As for the punishment.. Punishment must fit the crime, I am not sure there was a crime commited. So I would express all the emotions of your too young yada yada yada.. but from the father.. or the Mother.. not you..

You need to start getting involved in this boys life like a friend, not as a parent. You need to find out what is going on.. When he trust you he will open up.. Again you need to earn his trust.

Take him to lunch do his favorite thing, just you and he. Find out what this boy needs and do it fast.. Life comes at you hard and if you don' fix it... it will certainly unfix all of your lives.

Start seeing if you and the Mom or the grandfather..( I am again assuming it is the Mothers DAD) can have the same talk. You are the wife now and you need to make her understand you do not want to be this childs mother.. you want to help raise her son.to be a man. You want to be part of his life..

Good luck my firend
V.

Hi J.,

I had this issue with my oldest daughter. We sat her down and talked about why she wanted to drink - we have always allowed our kids to have a glass of wine with dinner if we were having one - but they always hated the taste! Mainly it was peer pressure. We doubled our efforts of watching who she was with - making sure a parent would be home etc. BUT the one thing that made the biggest difference was that we told her she would lose all driving privileges if we heard from anyone that she had been drinking and driving or if we caught her with alcohol in the car or in her belongings. We also had her sign the MADD pledge. This seemed to work - we think - she graduated from college this year and has her first "real" job in Chicago - so we all survived the experience any way.

I do agree with many of the others in that you need to let his dad handle this. Be there for him, and let him know you are there but let his dad set the boundaries and uphold them. You can certainly talk to his dad and help him decide what he wants to say ahead of time but it needs to come from his dad.

Hope everything works out ok!

M.

15 is tough-I remember it being tough and it's even harder now. And they are just a few short years of being legal adults who are (at least legally) responsible for themselves.
If he wants to drink--he will. As a parent, I think it is our responsibility to make it as hard as possible for them to drink. If they are going to do it they better be really sneaky about it, but at the same time we need to give safe options if they are "stuck" somewhere and need a ride home (vs driving drunk or driving with someone drunk.) because underage drinking is bad and illegal, but drinking and driving is fatal. Drinking is something that teenagers will do and feel entitled to do because it is legal for adults and they will be an adult soon--and probably feel it's' not fair that you have to be a certain age to do it.
I feel the important thing is to of course not approve of him drinking but at the same time give him the foundations of drinking responsibly.
So in my opinion I would have a talk with him about drinking in general. A non-confrontational talk about it and it's dangers. Set up consequences during the talk about what his punishment will be if he gets caught drinking. But also let him know that no matter what time or where he can call you to get a ride home with no questions asked at the time of the incident (MADD has an actual contract you can print and sign called the contract for life--http://www.madd.ca/english/youth/contract_for_life.pdf)

J., have you tried being his friend. Let him know you understand that he is in the middle of Mom & Dad. You are the step-mom so you have and outside..door to get too with him. Let him know about the drinking and tell him about something you did when you were young but that it is wrong to do it and at his age he can get in alot of trouble. He is in the rebellion stage.

Hi, while I agree that underage drinking is wrong and can lead to serious problems-did none of us experience with drinking while in high school and sneaking around about it? I am a 41 yr old mother of two toddlers and I dont drink but when I was in high school we snuck around and drank tho I believe I was about 16 - we even stole a bottle of boos from my parents and I havent developed any serious drinking problems and I surely did not blame my parents for this. I think its important to explain the dangers of drinking and that is illegal and also that drinking and driving is very dangerous but teens will be teens and we were there at one time also and we survived and our parents did as well. If you push too much and make such a big production of this-you can make this worse - more of a challenge to him and actually push into wanting it more. But please talk to him about the dangers of drinking and driving and the adverse affects on his health. Just because your teenager sneaks beer every once in awhile does not mean he will grow up to be an alcoholic.

Oh, J., what a hard spot to be in. It sounds as if you have assessed the situation and that Grandpa is on your side. Those are both pluses. The next big thing I would say is for your husband and you to be very careful to never lose your cool (Whew! How hard is that in this situation?) as losing your cool will also make you lose the position of respect and the authority that comes from calm control. Control here is not a bad word as it has often been viewed lately. Control of a parent over a child is a protective factor that should be in place and loosened gradually as the parent sees that it is time. Since a less than ideal situation already exists and since you are late into the picture and the step mom, it gets more complicated. Yet, the calm demeanor and the cautious approach coupled with the certain guidelines should all be your friends. I ache for the freedom that our society gives children who are not even supposed to be ready to handle it. They need so desperately the loving protection of their parents unhindered by society's intervention,
but instead they often gravitate toward the unwise views of their peers in a society which applauds such. Today, I pray for wisdom in your hearts and minds as you daily and moment by moment deal with this.

J., I think its commendable you really want to see the situation resolved, since you obviously love your husband and value a peaceful home.

but i think that its a problem between your husband and the boy's mom to deal with. unfortunately, since hes not your son, there will always be a disconnect and inability to discipline like you think you should. it may not seem right or fair, and it isnt, but thats just the way it is with divorce and step-parents. its better to just support your husband and his decisions with his son, and try not to have to deal with the ex-wife too often. that way your marriage wont be affected, which is most important for you. even if you love and treat this boy like hes your blood son, his real mother will never let him accept that (not as long as shes bitter, anyway). i hope this helps!

well for one thing if you look in the bible it says that even step parents are to be treated with the same responsibilities and same respect as biological parents. i am and have been a stepchild since i was 13 years old and i only wished that my stepfather would have stepped up and taken that responsibility but he never did. he will respect you all the more if you do and whether they admit it or not that is what every child wants is for parents and stepparents alike to take an active roll in all aspects of their lives. do this and you won't regret it when he gets older.