Other Wives of Small Business Owners or Executives?

My husband and I own our own business and we work from home. He is on the road a lot, I am on the QuickBooks for much of the day updating invoices, AP, AR, etc.

We are both working on this 24/7 and it is not easy to get things done. My "break" is to step away from the laptop and run laundry, etc. I do the housework as I take little breaks. He does the same when he takes a break. It is nothing for him to go work in the yard an hour or so, come in and while he is cooling off, run emails. We just work it into our day.

My husband does a ton of work for our company and puts in MANY more hours than I do. We are both glued to laptops and IPhones but to grow the business and maintain it, it is something we do. We wouldn't have a multi million dollar company if we didn't work our tails off.

We look at it as a team. Is my house as perfect as it has been in the past? NO, but it is in order, fresh food is cooked and available for dinners, etc. We do break almost daily and go out to have lunch. We look at this as a team effort.

We don't set aside jobs for him and jobs for me. If something needs to be done, we just do it and we appreciate each other for the hard work we are putting in to continue to have financial success with our company. We don't divide things up to make sure we are even, we are a team.

2 moms found this helpful

I would suggest that instead of asking him to help more, you approach it as a problem that you would like his help in solving. Maybe he sees this as temporary. Clearly when you've brought it up before, he feels criticized and underappreciated (even though that's not what you're trying to do). So I would try a different approach - I would guess that he isn't thrilled about having to work all the time. It's very hard to have boundaries when you're the owner of a small business - my partner owned one for a few years. We had to establish some parameters - like she wouldn't take phone calls after a certain time, no phones at dinner, etc. There has to be time that is work-free where you get to enjoy each other as a family, and where you both feel appreciated and that the balance of work is fair.

2 moms found this helpful

This sounds familiar...lol. My husband works an average of 60+ hours per week and this is an ongoing issue for us as well. I know how tired he is at the end of the day and in the beginning I felt bad about asking for the help...but then I realized that I get up at 4:00am and work throughout the day and go to bed around 10:30ish every night too. So here's what I do...I remind him that though our focuses during the day are very different, that we need to harmonize in the evenings when we're home. We did set out on this journey together and I didn't like feeling that he just left me twisting in the wind when his direction became clearer. Our children need the example of the hard working dad, but they also need the balance of the involved dad to let them know he cares about what's going on in their lives. So...maybe he'll help that night with homework or take them to their karate class. This won't get the dishes done, but it will take a little off my plate so I'll have the time to do them. I long ago accepted that there won't be a 50/50 balance...sometimes it's 70/30 or even 80/20...sometimes that's in my favor, sometimes it's in his. But with respect and a mutual commitment to the family, we seem to work it out. After all, what good is the progress our husbands make professionally if the family their working so hard to provide for gets left by the wayside in the process?

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I actually would take issue with your last sentence, CA. Hiring more staff instead of paying himself enough to live on is not how he HAS to do things - it is how he CHOOSES to do things.

Go ahead and hire someone to help. When he can't pay enough bills, he'll give himself a raise. Drop the ball on some things, and either you'll both learn to live with some dropped balls or he'll pitch in. When he fusses that you haven't done something, echo his own rude statements "get very offended and suggest HE thinks YOU aren't working hard enough".

Men should not get to have a free pass to ignore home and children just because they work a hard job. If something terrible happened and you couldn't do the work in the house, or if you died, he would have no clue what to do. He needs to be part of the process at home whether he likes it or not. By doing everything, you aren't helping him figure that out. Stop doing it all.

Good luck,
D.

1 mom found this helpful

When my husband had a demanding job (from which he was laid off 3 years ago, so much for all his dedication) and I had a job I loved, I figured that I was lucky enough to truly love my job and I pretty much carried the household stuff by myself. However, it gets to be too much, like you said. I tried to get hubby to help, but he'd gotten used to my doing everything, and actually came to expect it. And he, too, would get insulted when I asked him to help, as if I was accusing him of being lazy after he'd worked so hard at his job.
So, I told him I was going to hire a helper, someone to come over every afternoon and tidy up the house, help make dinner, and pretty much just be an extra set of hands because I was just too wiped out. A few nights before that announcement, I also acted too completely exhausted to have sex (not much of a stretch, actually). Between the no sex and the announcement to hire someone (which we couldn't afford), he got the hint and started helping around the house. He still defaults sometimes to doing nothing when he gets home, but it's not as hard to get him to pitch in anymore. Had he called my bluff and told me to go ahead and hire someone, I planned on just getting a teenager or someone to come over and help with the kids while I did stuff around the house. Fairly inexpensive if it's just a few hours a day; I did it for several moms when I was in high school. But, we would have had to make cuts somewhere else in the budget. Do-able, but difficult. However, I always look at it like what's more important, cutting back somewhere to save my sanity, or risking building up more and more resentment toward my husband?
Anyway, good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

I am in your situation. My husband works all the time. He has a part time job, and two small businesses! I did work part time, but I had to quit (even though we couldn't afford it) to take care of my house and children. Someone has to make the home, so I'm the homemaker. I know my husband is called to support the family, he is annointed for that so I let him.
I do all the chores, with the help of the kids after school. I don't ask him to help around the house, except for making the occasional dinner if he's home and I'm out running errands. I know it sounds terrible for us wives, but he does work hard enough. I want him to spend any "free time" he has being a dad.
He takes time out to go to the boys football games, and take one son to cub scouts. Those are the things I want him to make time for, not dishes and laundry. That's my job

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Every success needs strong supports from the home! Your efforts and sacrifices are vital to his success. He is taking additional help for his business; you are left to do his part of the household duties and without additional help- don't let him take it for granted! You both can see the value and progress he accomplishes on his business, but he may not see the value you contributed to your home life by your efforts! You have a right to feel overwhelmed, tired and unappreciated! So, do everything you can to find joy in what you do and to find the help you need to feel appreciated and happy! An occasional night out or me time is necessary for perspective! Or, have the cleaning crew comes once a week instead of two, to help with laundry and dish washing, little bit helps!

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Sounds like you just need to deal with it. You do have a cleaning service, and a yard service, so come on, that is a TON of work off your shoulders already. You work part time also. How old are your kids? Do they have chores? Even little ones can run a broom and mop around, it won't be perfect but it will do until your cleaning people come. Little ones can also help fold laundry and put it away. And gather the trash for trash day. Now if it is babies you have then that is a different story. You are probably just feeling overwhelmed like all us moms and are getting to the furious point about it, but try to let it go. When your husbands business booms, things won't be so bad and this will all be a thing of the past. ps, my hubby works about 14 hours a day, and I work part time. I do most things along with my kids, but he does what he can (mostly the "manly stuff" though). I figure I just have to deal with it too. It's better to change your mindset than to be stressed all the time.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi CA Writer Mom -

I am a writer, too - let's talk!
Regarding your question - it sounds as though you both could use a little more appreciation of one another - I know I often feel this way even though my DH carries a full load - but in a different way - and if he slows down the day and puts his arms around me and says - hey thanks for XYZ - I know without you - this wouldn't happen - WOW what a difference! I don't know if you could relay this to your DH somehow - that you just need some recognition - it would really go a long way - some of it probably is that for now, you are going to have to suck up more of the domestic chores as he is putting in so much work time - but I would definitely suggest taking - maybe one day a month? or whatever works - to do something for yourself - take the time to do something you really like - go to Barnes and Noble just to read for a couple of hours or get a pedicure or go for a walk and a nice long lunch with a girlfriend - do something that nurtures you. And, hang in there, it sounds as though as soon as the co is on its feet a little more, you will be able to hire some more assistance around the house.
Hope this helps.
N.

Hi CA! I know I am late to this conversation, but I wanted to chime in that my husband owns a small business and we are in the process of starting another business on top of that.
My husband ALWAYS helps out. When he is done with work for the day, then he is DONE. He does dishes, cooks, plays with the kids, gives them baths, and then HE puts them to bed at night because at the end of the day, I am so exhausted that I could fall asleep on my feet. I can imagine that you understand that feeling!

Your husband can and should pitch in where he can.
Good luck!

All of the kids and hubby must have chores and they shouldn't look at them as chores but just their responsibility. Especially for the little chores. My son's chore was taking the trash cans out and bringing them back in the next day since he was 6 years old. I used to tell him that he is the little man of the house and is really helping momma out. Now he unloads the Dishwasher, and vacuums the living room. I am not going to bombard him with a lot of chores just a few to teach him to be a little neater and to help him appreciate how the house looks after he helps. He really gets it and I give him allowance now. The allowance is not based on his chores but he must do his chores to at least earn an allowance. Good Luck and tell Hubby to chip it, he shouldn't do it because you are making him, he should do it to help you out because a happy home starts with a Happy Mom!

I am a stay at home mom and I do everything, including the mowing the lawn. My husband usually works long hours and used to travel often. I'm used to it now and sort of like being in charge.

I don't agree that you should continue to do everything. I own an insurance agency and my husband sells Aflac so we both work full time, him more than me. He gets the kids breakfast in the morning while I get ready and he unloads the dishwasher. He leaves for work when I take the kids to school then go to the office. I pick up the kids from school and do homework with them then make dinner. Hubby comes home and we all eat together and I load the dishwasher and run it. Then we hang out as a family and then the kids shower and go to bed (our kids are 14, 11 and 7). My husband takes out the trash in the evenings and also the cans down to the street on pick up day. He also washes all the laundry. He just throws in a load, washes, dries it and dumps it on whoevers bed and they have to put it away. We both put our own clothes away. The kids help every other saturday to do a clean up of the house, bathrooms, floors, counters, quick feather dust. Our house is not spotless but I would not be embarrassed if anyone dropped by. Both of us try to keep on the kids about putting stuff away so the house doesn't get cluttered. So that's basically what we do. I think you should just say to your husband that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and could he please start taking out the trash when he sees that it's full and ________. Start him off with 2 things. Ask him specifically if he thinks that's too much for him. If he says no, then there you go, something is off your plate. Also, it may be worth it to have the cleaning service come weekly. The biggest thing is you don't want to start to become resentful because you feel he isn't doing enough. Then you won't feel like sleeping with him anymore and then he's mad about that and really won't help around the house and then it just goes downhill from there. So I hope you find something that will work for you. Good luck!

I feel your pain. My husband worked 60 hours and would come home, eat dinner and sit on the couch in front of the TV the rest of the evening. I worked 50 hours, came home and did all the household and child responsibilities. I was becoming extremely resentful. I told him I could not do this anymore and that I needed to quit working full time. He said he would help out more. I gave him a year, but he never picked up the slack. So I just quit my job and I am now self employed and work 15 hours a week. I did this 8 years ago and I couldn't be happier. At the beginning, I just watched every dime, but now my husband is more than making up for the loss of my income. Women have told me that I am their hero for quitting my job, but honestly, I had to take care of myself -- you know the oxygen mask theory. I believe it saved the quality of not only my life, but my family's, as well.

This is a hot topic for sure...and know that you are NOT alone in your thoughts here! But here is my 2 cents!

I am on the fence about this : - ) I know, helpful huh?? My situation is this: I work 50+hrs per week, hubby works 40-60 (depending on week) and I do MOST of the household stuff but he helps way more than most men do.

I have to agree with a previous poster about knipping these feelings in the butt RIGHT now. It WILL lead to more and more resentment and problems. You need to sit back and say to yourself "Am I willing to get a divorce over this?" And if the answer is "no" (which I assume it is!) then you need to let it go. The grass always looks greener..but trust me its not! You sound like you have a good thing going here and it just needs a little TLC.

Humans take as much free rope as possible...so SLOWLY reel in the rope without him noticing and things will be better before you know it : - ) I have my days/weeks where I am in your shoes, but I try real hard to step back and just be thankfull for all that we have. Good luck!

Well, you are certainly fortunate in that you have two incomes and your husband's business is thriving and expanding in this economy. Not to mention being able to afford a cleaning and yard service.
I think you both need to have a low key and friendly discussion about teamwork. You have to keep in mind that nothing in a marriage is ever exactly 50/50. It just isn't. You don't want to get into tit for tat about things.
I know when I was married and stayed at home, I was happy to do everything, for the most part. I did all the cooking during the week, but on the weekends, my husband went shopping and he bought things he wanted to cook. He is very good at it and enjoys it so that was his thing. Unless he was gone on business, he always cooked on the weekends. Breakfast, lunch and dinner and it was really nice. He also did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen when he was done.
There were little things that drove me nuts though, to be sure. We had quite an argument one day because he dumped the shaving from his electric razor into the sink and they were still there when he got home that night. We had 3 other bathrooms and frankly....I hadn't noticed. He pointed out that he didn't appreciate me leaving his whiskers in the sink all day and asked me to rinse them out. I said that in the time he called me into the bathroom to point them out to me, they could have already been wiped and rinsed out. After all, they were HIS whiskers. Why did he leave them for someone else? When he came home, he always hung up his ties and suit jackets, but for some reason, when he took a shower in the morning, he left his underwear and wet towel on the floor when there was a hamper 18 inches away. I started leaving them there. He stayed up after the kids and I and had snacks or ice cream bars and just left the wrappers and sticks on the lamp table. I started leaving them there. I kept the kids and the house spotless and it's not like it was too hard for me to pick those things up, but it wasn't too hard for him to pick up after himself either. After all, we both taught our children to clean up their messes. I didn't expect my husband to come home after a 16 or + hour day and do housework. But, I also didn't expect him to gripe if one little thing wasn't done. It's not like I expected him to do all his own laudry or anything, just please put it in the hamper so I didn't have to go around picking it up to get it in the hamper myself. I ran the dishwasher every night. I thought it might be nice since he stayed up to snack if he would empty the dishwasher for me instead of just taking out what he wanted for his snack. Just little things like that can make things easier on everyone.
I think you'll have more success if you approach it from a standpoint of working together to help things run more smoothely.

That's just my opinion.
Oh...and be sure to count your many blessings. You ARE blessed!

I would say, for now try brainstorming ways to simplify your routine, so you have a little less work.
For example, you could try cooking something all in one pot (crock pot?), so there are fewer pots/pans to wash.
Try to find ways that the kids can do some things, like making their own lunch (or buying lunch).
Try cooking some things in advance and freezing them to reheat easily during the week when you don't have much time.
If you are short on time but need an item, ask a friend or neighbor if they can pick up something at the store for you, and you can pay them back (or trade favors).
If you buy fewer packaged items, there will be less trash/recycling to empty.
Be creative. =)

Hi, there...you obviously have a difficult problem which won't be solved overnight. If you are looking for a fresh approach, a new direction that involves your own perspective as well as your husband's perspective and actions, then I suggest contacting a phenomenal "Life Coach" named Liat Zohar. Check out her web page: Ode2Life.com. Her approach works as a preventative, even if you are not having relationship issues.

Good Luck...D.