oStimulant Withdrawal - How to Act Toward Him?

Good Lord, can't you just give him a cup of coffee?

;{

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Okay... he is withdrawing.
That makes ANYONE... psycho.
His rants or moods... are all part of it.
THEY ARE NOT RATIONAL.
Know, that.
They are NOT rational.
They are not rational.
And a person gets, irrational.

He should see a Doctor.
It is hard to do on your own... unless you have, good self-management.
Even at that, it is very hard.

He NEEDS A THERAPIST.

All his problems... are drastically negatively and in a toxic manner, affecting the ENTIRE family/you/the kids.

Unless he owns up to his behavior, he will CONTINUE to blame it on others.
And that is only 1 part of his problem.

He needs a Therapist or Psychiatrist....

You cannot "convince" an Addict... that they are wrong or toxic or irrational.
Because they are irrational. And while withdrawing... it really screws up the mental ability for reason.

People withdrawing, are HUGELY, moody.
And for who knows how long.

It will be a bumpy continuous ride.
Unless.... he gets medical help.... AND a Therapist or Psychiatrist.

AND, know that, a person withdrawing... has a HIGH tendency for relapse.
Which just makes the cyclical toxic problem, worse.
And repeated.

Ya all, need counseling.

He's an Addict. Caffeine herbal drinks. Gosh. And its not even a hardcore "drug."
And he seems to have lots of problems.... which are not being addressed.

He is even "blaming" you, for his quitting the drinks.

You are not a professional Therapist.
And he can't expect you to be that.
You are his Wife.
He needs to go see a Professional.

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This is the HOT and talented guy you refer to in your profile right???

Like OneAndDone said, it usually takes 21 days for a behavior to become a new habit.

I'm not a therapist or a detective but it seems like the Monsters/Red Bulls are the least of your worries. It's very obvious you resent his job and activities and have felt this way for a LONG time. Believe me, it is not all that wonderful to travel for work (and I have been some amazing places but would have rather been home).

You think he has an "easy" job. Do you want him gone more? Would you be happier to handle the household activities alone and not have your man there? It sounds like his job changes and yours is flexible, don't resent that...appreciate that you have the flexibility.

I divorced a long time ago and wish I had the chance to put issues like these behind me and make my marriage last. I never would have been so stubborn like I was. Remember your "hot and talented" man...make the first move for improvement/support and good things will follow.

***You may have asked about the energy drinks but spent most of the post with complaints unrelated to the energy drinks. Everyone seemed to care and want the best for your family.

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All I know is it takes 21 days to break a habit or establish a new one...hang in there.....

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What what was he like before the energy drinks? Was he reasonable and more easy going then?

And how long did he use the drinks? And how many a day? I don't know how much the drinks cost, so $3/day is how many?

It almost sounds like he was self-medicating some other issue in his life, like ADD / ADHD. Caffeine can be very beneficial for people with ADD.

In short, quitting a stimulant cold turkey can take at least 2-3 weeks for his body and brain chemistry to bounce back. However, he needs to figure out why he is so much 'better' on the drink than off it.

Sorry you are having to handle so much on your own. You sound overwhelmed with a lot of responsibility and another argumentative 'teen' around the house rather than an equal mate sharing in the parenting....I write this as my own husband snores away on the couch after a long day and I finish up all sorts of tasks with the kids.

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Sorry I don't have advice on how long it will take for your hubby to smooth out all the highs and lows. But I can tell you that ever since my hubby and I decided on separate checking accounts, life has been so much easier for me. Basically, my hubby and I get the same amount of money to spend each month on whatever we want. When he wants to eat out for lunch, treat his friends to coffee, buy alcohol, soda from a gas station, workout supplements, protein drinks, DVDs, books, or video games, he has to buy it with his "allowance". I have to buy any non-essential stuff for myself using my own allowance too.

So now that my husband is accountable to his own checking account, he is no longer accountable to me. If he wants to buy crazy workout energy supplements, buy his friends a round of drinks, or go out to lunch, he can do whatever he wants until his money runs out. As a result of this, he doesn't drink as much, he doesn't eat out any more, he doesn't buy lunch for his friends, or buy toys for the kids "just because" . This used to drive me nuts, and I felt like I was a ball breaker always nagging for him to stop. Now I've stopped the nagging, and he feels the consequences of his choices.

I was surprised that my hubby was on board with my allowance plan. I was sure he would put up a fight because he is the sole breadwinner and he is of he mindset of "I work hard for this money, so I should be able to spend it however I want". But he actually sees it as a challenge to see if he can stay on budget better than I can. I love it because I'm no longer the bad guy telling him what he can and can't buy. And I no longer feel guilty when I go out to eat, buy myself clothes, or hire a cleaning lady as long as I'm using my own money. Our allowance purchases no longer cut into our grocery/vacation/retirement/college fund budgets, so we are on track to live within our means.

Sorry your husband is being so cranky and irrational. When he calms down, maybe you should give him a budget he can use to buy his energy drinks, sports expenses, etc. It will automatically force him to spend more time with your family and drink fewer energy drinks. Good luck to you. You can't win when you're arguing with an irrational person. Just hang in there :-)

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It sounds like the stimulant withdrawl is only aggravating an already-stressful situation at home. It sounds as though there are areas that you are both already unhappy with in your relationship. Your description of your home life is that you are not receiving enough support from him and that he's feeling the same way about you.

I'd look at marriage counseling, personally. From what you've written, even before you asked him to cut back on the drinks (which is understandable--but why did he go 'all or nothing?'), it sounds like there were parts of your relationship that you were unhappy with. (His erratic schedule, his hobbies, the long hours you spend parenting).

That said:

I wonder if making he'd be willing to have a little caffeine and make coffee/tea on his own. I do it for about .50 a day. I also wonder if it would help for him to try "the Zone" or another insulin-regulating diet. Part of the reason people get tired and want energy drinks is because they might be eating the wrong kinds of carbs. (I changed my diet toward more insulin-regulation and have *much* better energy and moods than I used to.)

Please know that I'm not trying to get on your case about your complaints with your husband. Maybe I'm way off base about this, but I just think that, like an affair, the 'problem' we focus on sometimes is the easier problem to deal with because there's so much other stuff that's hard to talk or think about. A counselor could help you two with finding balance. My husband and I went to a counselor a few years ago, before hitting a crisis point, and it really helped us make our relationship stronger. It also helped us discover what originally made us love each other, and that was definitely worth the work.

Best wishes.

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Im probably going to anger many of you, but it seems like you are extremely unhappy in general. You are stuck in the house being the commander in chief while he works, plays and complains. Have you ever thought to join him in his hobby? Maybe he's not home enough because your not easy to be around? Your unhappy and wearing it on your sleeve. Maybe if you dive-ed up some of the responsibilities and not complained how he did it, you both would be happier. It seems like you need to get out of the house whether or not you have time, you need to make it. Your going stir crazy. He's trying. Give him that. Some husbands would just say oh well. I work hard for my money and if I want to spend some of it to keep me energized, so be it.
With that said, My husband is addicted to fountain mt dew. A terrible thing to be addicted to. He now drinks it 3 times a week due to cost and plain out health reasons. Stimulants are not good for your body and he knows it. Your husband probably hears you nagging about it to him and it probably makes him want it more.Im sure the ice cream you ate for dinner or the hair dye you use isnt good for you either. Encourage him dont criticize. You get more bees with honey than you do vinegar. If you are taking care of everything then throwing it in his face, it does nobody any good. my husband also runs 3 miles outside every day and goes white water rafting. It takes up alot of his time. All of which I don't have time for, but I take a zumba class 3 times a week and drinks with friends 2 times a month. You need to find something that lets out your aggravation so you can appreciate your relationship for what it is. I love my husband for enabling me to raise our kids. I am so happy I get to be home with them and your kids will be happier for it in the end to. Love your husband because you get to do so. People are hard to change. If you wanted a different person, you would have married one. You married him. Love him for who he is trying to be for you and maybe he would try harder.

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I do have experience with withdrawals from stimulants and I can tell you that moodiness is one of the most pronounced symptoms of withdrawal. Please don't take anything he says to heart and know that he truly doesn't mean what he says. In fact, I bet as soon as the stuff comes out of his mouth, he wants to suck the words back in, but alas once a word is out there, it's there. There is no taking it back. What you're describing is completely typical and normal of a person withdrawing from stimulants. I can't say how long it will take for him to get over it. I know that with my withdrawal/recovery it was probably six months to a year before I felt normal again,but I was doing something much heavier than energy drinks over a period of about 3 years. Just try to hang in there with him; don't really expect anything of him other than going to work. He doesn't mean what he's saying and he really can't help it right now. Like I said, I'm sure he's regretting most of what he's saying immediately, but just can't admit it. Once you guys are through this, he will be forever grateful for your understanding.

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Yep, normal and he really should be seeing a doctor.

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I would say he needs at least another week for them to be out of his system but it will take longer for him to adjust to life without them. As far as I know going cold turkey off anything is more dangerous than weaning off.

I would tell you, if we were friends in the real world, that you need to find some outlet for yourself. Even when he calls and says his life has changed and he has to work or go out for his sport. You need to have a babysitter on speed dial and make some plans to go out with your friends, take up a hobby or craft. Take some night classes in art, painting, piano, dancing, something that makes you feel good inside. You need to be in control of you. He will see you as a more independent person who is happy with him or without him. He may just decide he wants your life to be with him and he may conform right to what you want.

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I think its pretty normal. I know when my husband hasnt had any caffeine in awhile he gets wicked headaches. You need to ease off of that kind of thing, not cold turkey. Maybe he could drink one every other day and then every few days etc... My husband doesnt have a major addiction to caffeine so I dont really know how long it will take, but good luck!!

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This does sound like it has more to do with pent up resentment on both sides than with him withdrawing from energy drinks.

I'd say, until you get to the point of NEEDING something that isn't good for you to function on a daily basis, and then trying to quit the addiction, no matter what it is, it is NOT a cake walk. It doesn't sound like you are being very supportive & don't have much empathy for him.

Just reading your post, it sounds like you have zero respect for the work that he does, or the fact that he sacrifices family time for a job. No one wants to be gone for 3 days in a row multiple times a month, alone in a hotel room. It wears on you. 12 hour days wear on you. No matter what the work entails, traveling & long days away from your family are not "easy" as you very dismissively stated in your post. My DH & I have been through this, and when a man doesn't feel appreciated, it's a HUGE deal.

You think you have it rough? Would you rather he be gone out of town for work, work 12 hour days, while you are working an 8 hour a day office job & still having to care for your kids & home? Be grateful for what you have. Be grateful that you don't have to do that.

Honestly, it sounds like you have the stay at home poor me syndrome in which you forget how lucky you are to be able to do it.

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Didn't read the other responses (yet) so I apologize if I repeat anything... but, sweetheart you need to suck it up this time. THIS TIME. ;) I don't have "an addictive personality" either, but I do partake of caffeine on a regular basis (my morning cup o'). I can be really crabby if I don't have my coffee by about 2 hours after I get up. I don't even drink that much (less than 2 cups). But it still affects my mood. Same with my husband. And we only drink normal old coffee. Well, dark roast, tee hee.. but not energy drinks. Yikes!
I am not sure how long it will take, nor how long he has been "using" (wink wink)... but it is definitely related. All this attitude and blame and spewing is almost assuredly coming from withdrawal. He can't have it. He knows he can't have it. He wants it (even if he knows he shouldn't). And he blames YOU for "making" him quit. So he blames you---not because you asked him to quit (even if you did), but b/c you are the reason he is quitting. His brain knows that long term, it will hurt him to continue. And that, my dear, is why he blames you. If it was only him and his health he had to worry about, he'd probably keep on "using". But he wants to stick around FOR you. So it is worry about you that makes him suffer through the withdrawal of his own accord. While he is angry it will be your fault. And when he gets past it, it will still be your fault. But he won't call it your "fault", he'll say it was "because of" you. And mean it. In a good way.

I know it is hard. Hang tough. Tune him out if you must. Try to keep other stressors to a minimum right now. But try to let as much of this roll off of you as you can right now. It will get better. But he is still suffering with his cravings and really needs to vent/scream due to the pain. That is what we sign up for when we get married, ya know? The worse. These are some of those worse times. Better times are coming. Keep your eye on the future when he is past this and back to his "normal strong self". Right now he is wallowing and is weak. You know he doesn't mean half of what he probably is saying.. he is just lashing out b/c he's miserable. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't put himself through this. And we all know that it is human nature to not want to suffer alone. ;)

ETA: the other issues you two are having can be addressed more specifically AFTER he is not going through the withdrawal phase anymore. You can't solve anything when he is still so affected by the withdrawal.
<<Hugs>>

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Quitting any type of addictive substance is hard....even more so if you have an addictive personality. My husband is a smoker who has "quit" many times. It's always hard during those times because we BOTH feel like we're walking on eggshells around the other person.

I work a 9-5 job AND I'm the primary caretaker of house and kids when I'm home, so I know how you feel. Most of the time, I feel like I do 90% of the work and hubby does 10%. He feels like it's 50-50 most of the time.

My only suggestion is to let him know how much you appreciate his help when he's home (as opposed to letting him know how much you're doing and he's not). That always seems to get me more help than my "nagging" him about helping out more.

Also, ask him how you can help make his detox easier. I used to "encourage" my husband by letting him know what a great job he was doing and that it was day "X" of him not smoking. Turns out...he hated that. He would rather me just not talk about it or remind him of it. Find out what "works" for him so he feels like you're helping him achieve a goal, not that you're "nagging" him about quitting.

As for YOUR downtime...schedule it in! I don't know how your husband's scheduling works, but pick a day and a backup day. Let your husband know as far in advance as possible that it will be YOUR time since he has his sport and what not. Tell/show him that having this time is important for your emotional/mental/physical well being.

Obviously, no one knows your family and your various schedules like you, so hopefully you can find something that helps! :)

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Stimulant withdrawal generally only takes takes one to two weeks (caffeine withdrawal, specifically, usually lasts 1 week). Physically, that is. Mentally...it can lead to severe anxiety and/or depression which usually requires medication and/or counseling. I'm not sure if caffeine is a strong enough substance to start one on the path of depression, but I guess it could be. If he just wants to save money, not stop for his health, why doesn't he just drink coffee or tea. They aren't expensive. An addiction is an addiction, regardless of the substance, and most people cannot successfully quit cold turkey. Good luck.

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Martina,

For the next 6-8 weeks, take everything he says or does with a grain of salt. The first month is the hardest and anything you can do to support him would be helpful. Do what you need to do and tell him what you expect of him. Its not ok for him to treat you badly---but you have understand how he feels too. Hang in there and choose your battles. It may get worse before it gets better. But it WILL get better.

Take care,

M

Just from what I know about stimulants they are out of the system pretty quick. Perhaps this is your husbands real personality coming out. I would suggest spiking his orange juice with a no doze. If his personality comes back get him back on the damn drinks. :p

If he stays the same tell him to suck it up because it is all in his mind. :)

Problem solved.

I wish I had a better answer then, just hang in there. Things should get better once the urge for a energy drink goes away.

I went though something similar about 4 years ago. I told my husband it was either the alcohol or me and our daughter. He mad the right choice and picked us. He went cold turkey and even refused to go to AA meetings. It was a stressful, frustrating time for a few months, but it did get better.