Opinionated Friends

I am a mother of three adult children (50+years old). I remember feeling the same way that you have expressed in your cry for help to deal with opinionated people. My advise would be to take a good look at the advice given. Be realistic and try and find the thread of truth that may be in the opinion given (usually one exists)then discard the rest. People seldom meddle needlessly and really it is a credit to you that they want to help. I can tell you, warnings I was given by others that irked me at the time, later came back on me and I had to admit(if only to myself) that I had been "informed, warned, whatever you want to call it........but I didn't want to see it, the advisers were to some degree correct. It is critical to understand early in the parenting experience that it is impossible to cover every base at all times; so your children will misbehave. It is a given. If others jump on the chance to reveal your inadequacies to do what they could not do either then definitely take it with a grain of salt. Determine how much this person is worth having in your life for the other things you spend time with them for. Make a relationship adjustment if necessary. The opportunity you have here is that you can model behavior for your children on what to do when one is being scrutinized fairly or unfairly and that is most critical from the earliest age. Take it from me I wish I hadn't been such a know-it-all at times. Get people on your team to help raise your children with you. People you know have yours and your children's best interest at heart; people you can trust. You are doing a great job I bet at raising your children so keep it up and know others have tread where you are right this moment and actually survived.

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Where are they correcting him? If it is in their home, remember that kids touch everything and are hard on "stuff". Not everyone has the same tolerance level. I have relatives I love but won't invite to my home again until the children are older because I can't handle how hard they are on the house, even though their not "misbehaving". Their parents have a different tolerance level for things like jumping on and off the furniture. It's allowed in their house but not in mine. -Not to say my child doesn't ever do that, it's just something we stop and redirect for or do a timeout, so she knows it's not an OK thing.

I tend to be a little stricter with my daughter when we're at other people's homes just because I want them to feel comfortable with her in their home and because I want her to learn that we behave differently as guests than when we're at home. So, think about what your friends have corrected your son about. Is it something that is no big deal to you but may reasonably bother other people? Or is it something that truly is none of their business?

However, if your friends are being plain unkind, that's another story. Then you, as the parent, need to step in. Don't put yourself of wishing, later, that you had said something on behalf of your child.

Mommy of one

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It's difficult enough to merge two parenting techniques let alone a group. Everyone has a different opinion on the proper way to handle a situation because we all were raised differently.

Try to be understanding of opposing views. We all have them.
Your parently technique clearly opposes theirs and visa versa.
Perhaps their upbringing included stricter rules and permission to correct other people's children. (right wrong or indifferent that is the way they were raised)

However, the first priority is your children. If you feel their correction of your child is wrong politely speak up. As women we sometimes forget our boundries, especially when it comes to children. Perhaps they need to be told their boundries. A kind word of correction should be enough.
You've been non-parent friends longer than you have been parent friends so the new roles are probably taking some adjustment.
Second, if it brings too much tension to meet together with the children, go without. As soon as the children have aged more, transition them back into the group get togethers.

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Hi there, I read your question and very much understand your problem. While my kids are older now, I do remember those days, and I do remember a subtle shift in our social circle when we had our kids. While I loved our kids, and my friend's kids, I found that I didn't like them saying bad stuff about my kids to me or to my kids. I also didn't like the way they disciplined my kids. Of course, you can have a heart to heart talk with this friend, and set up some guide lines -- problems with the kids? We discuss it as adults, and discipline our own kids, but not each others, stay positive with the comments -- no negative comments to the kids or about the kids...you get the idea. You can try, but you may also notice that you will gravitate toward different friends who share your mindset...good luck!

Wow, all I can do is tell you I've been in the same boat. My sister-in-law is always 'teaching' and telling me how it is and how it's going to be. She does this with my 1.5 year old daughter and 'teaches' me about this second one I'm preganant with! It makes me and my other sister-in-law crazy. The crazy thing is that she is the worst with her own children. They don't have a bedtime, don't eat well, don't understand personal space, etc, etc, It makes me nuts and unfortunately I'm glad we live 8 hours away from each other! I think if I had to interact with her more I would have said something to her by now. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Just have confidence in what you are doing. We all try to do what is best for our children.

R., I had this happen over family get togethers at Christmas. My dad is especially critical and corrective of any children. (Like children should be expected to have "mastered" acceptable behavior....) We have to remember that children are in a process of learning...somehow that gets forgotten as adults sometimes. Anyhow, when may dad told my son not to do something that I just had told him the same seconds before, I told dad...."Dad, don't tell Owen what to do. He only needs one set of parents." That stopped it, on the spot. I also tell others "We're working on this..." It gives them the idea that mastery is not obtainable right now, and that we are doing something about it. It also means they have to accept that YOU are the one in charge.
This is not a matter of someone getting "hurt." If it were, you wouldn't worry about it. There is not time to "reason" out a response or obedience from a child if a car is coming, etc. And natural consequences are not acceptable in that area. No matter whose child it is. Anyone taking action for the better of safety, or harming another, is right on.
But, if it's not dealing with those issues, then YOU are in charge. Good luck.
J.

I am a *concerned* friend. Who after spending a lot of one on one time with a friends child wonder if he may be having some developmental issues. In that case, I hint at things in a round about way.
But I imagine the type of people you are talking about are kind who say things like: you should be doing x/ you are in for a surprise if you keep allowing x/ etc. In that case, I smile and nod, and look as if I am zoning out and they take the hint and change the subject. If they don't I politely change the subject. In belligerent cases, where I did not know the Know-It-All, I asked where I could purchase their expert parenting handbook.

I would just try to made little comments when they say things like that in a funny way (to avoid the awkwardness) and see if they catch the hint. If that doesn't work maybe ask her the same question you just asked all of us (not telling her who it is) and see what she says!!! A lot of the time poeple don't know what they are doing and you can, in a loving respectful manner, make them aware. If all else fails, be honest and blunt (they have no problem with that so they should be understanding). I wish I were more help!!

oh!
R.,
strictly, nicely-politely, but very firmly, you can explain them that they have their own treasures to care about as the souls of their kids chose them as parents. Yet your kids' souls chose you as parents, and are perfectly content with how you treat and raise them. tell them how unique are all the people, in fact every single person is absolutely unique, and what is perferct for one kid, is not quite exactly so good for another. That is exactly why, it is so set, that different people become parents for different kids, so simple. Remind them, that yes, all the people are people and some rules apply to all, but likewise, we are all composed of CELLS, and they are all cells, and some rules apply to all cells, yet the liver cells have totally different tasks and ways to function than the heart cells, or the skin cells. SO, each learns their own ways their own tasks for functioning in harmony, to compose altogether (again!) one healthy happy body, a vessel for one wonderful (we all are) soul. Interestingly, cells of different organs do not fight, and do not have arguments, but each knows their task and follows the appointed path in life. Thus are you friends. your friends cannot possibly claim they know exactly what is your role in life on this big picture-scale, so cannot tell you about your friend, so cannot argue different families about anything. The least (and the best) each can do, is to exchange experiences, adding information about how things MAY BE DONE, but in no way can anyone impose anything to others, this already smells of violation of human rights, if we look at it on the country level. You want to keep the friendship, but you do not need interference into your privacy and your ways of being. If your friends understand a little of life philosophy, they should get it, and back up. Good luck to you all, and have a happy new Year!
M.

I think I know just the person you're talking about! LOL. I had a "friend" who was always telling me how I should do everything - from loading the dishwasher to putting stamps on an envelope. When it came to the kids it just drove me nuts to have her give me advice. Especially since her kids were major brats compared to my kids.

I must say, I finally had to simply withdraw from the friendship. People like that are not really friends - they are underminers! You shouldn't waste time with people who tear you down. There are enough good people in the world who will build you up that you don't have to settle for people who behave like that.

I have been better off without that certain friend and have made some really fabulous friends since then. I'm still trying to mend my self-esteem from her constant criticism disguised as advice. I suggest just letting that friendship slide and working on building new friendships. Good luck!!!

We all know someone like that, don't we? I realize I don't know all the details of your friendship, but it may be time to phase them out of your life. Friends come and go throughout your life and maybe their time is up. Once your kids get into school you'll be amazed at how many new friends you'll make =)

No two children are the same, and you have to do what is best for you child and family. When your friends start giving you advice just tell them you can only do what you think works, and their advice is heard, but maybee not needed.

Okay this is coming from the point of view of "retired" kindergarten teacher now stay at home mom. And really I can't resist correcting other kids, especially if I know that they know they are doing something they are not supposed to. Maybe its that whole village mentality, that I believe I have a responsibility to hold kids accoutnable. Would you prefer this friend tattle to you if they saw your kids do something they weren't supposed to, if thats the case, you may want to make that clear. Just know that from here on out you are not going to always be where your kids are, and your kids need to know how to respectfully take correction from other adults (teachers, librarians, police, store clerks) because realistically, you know its going to happen.

Also, it should be a good sign that your friend cares enough about your kids to not let them get away with stuff. Depending on what the correction is for. If you disagree with the correction, or the means of correction, by all means stand up for your child immediately. But if it is a valid point, then really you should let it go.

Some people have advised that you should just move on to other friends, but you should also remember childhood is a phase, but adulthood is forever. It is hard to make friends back, once you lose them. If these are good friends, this isn't a problem that can't be solved.

I guess what cracks me up the most about parents/authorities like this, is that they always make it sound like YOUR child/children are the only one who would ever act that way. We experienced this a lot.
Also, I have a sister that is this way. My DH has said a few things to her, it really didn't help alot, but her mouth isn't a brash as it used to be.
I had a friend in another state that was like this with everything. I had 3 kids 3 and under at the time and she always complained about the way I kept my house. Fingerprints here and toys there. (take it, my house was NOT filthy, just cluttered with toys and a mirror on the wall above the couch the kids could reach and touch to play) I finally sat down with her and asked her if she only came over to critizie my home and parenting, since she made negative comments every time she came over. She said no, and I asked her to stop doing it, or to just stop coming over. It was actually taken better than I thought it would. We were in a sticky situation with this because my husband and I lived in a parsonage and she was part of the church leadership. She stopped and I did try to pick up the toys and get the kids busy on something quiet if I knew she was coming over. I just didn't always know when she was coming.
In our situation it worked talking to them. (She then only critizied us to others, which I just didn't carry, it was up to God to deal with then. My DH as pastor took care of this problem later before we moved. If she still does it, then that's her problem.) It just wasn't worth the stress it was putting me through to deal with her treating me that way, esp since our door was always open to guest!

Hope this helps!
Blessings,
M.

In my opinion it is a touchy situation. But I would tell the mother that you appreciate her opinion but you have a way that is working for you on how you are parenting your child. Ask that comments be kept to herself. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with standing your ground as that childs mother. I have friends that are the same way. Just let them know hey thanks but no thanks. :) Hope it works out for you!