Only Child Vs. Siblings

My 11 yo son is an only. We lost our first child before he was born. We talked about having another child and tried, but it didn't happen and we did not want to look further into fertility issues. When he turned 10, we felt that the age difference he would have with a sibling might be difficult (for him and for us!). I often feel sad that he does not have a sibling (or even a cousin at this point). Both my spouse and I have one sibling and enjoy our relationships with them. We don't have to deal with sibling bickering, but sometimes I find myself acting more like his sibling than his parent! I really have to watch myself!

Our son is very close to us, especially his dad. We are able to give all our time and resources to him. Our son has always had a lot of friends and we encourage them to do things with our family. We have invited friends on short trips with us. Our home is always open to his friends. He is independent and comfortable with other adults; his out of state uncle takes him on a vacation somewhere fun each summer. He has been able to see and do things that we probably could not afford to do with a larger family.

He is lonely sometimes, but when I see it, I offer to play a game or take him to the park. The bottom line is that there are good and not so good things about being an only. He wishes that his older brother was still with us; but after playing with friends that have annoying little brothers/sisters, he says he's glad it's just us three! By having a smaller family, we are also leaving a smaller impact on the earth. Please be assured that I do not have anything against larger families- everyone is different. This is just my experience.

With such a young child, you and your husband have some time to figure out what you both want together!

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I was an only and my husband is the baby of 4. We knew we wanted more than one, but like you, I wanted another one when he said we were done. I was willing to wait until he was ready. He did finally say maybe we'd think about it. Our next one will be 23 months younger than her next brother. It wasn't a long wait. Hang in there and don't pressure him. Guys get the baby bug, too. I've seen it in a lot of friends. It just takes them longer sometimes. They usually start thinking about it when the baby is finally old enough to really play with. Also, it is easier when the kids are old enough to be playmates. It does bring it's own issues, but our boys are already inseperable at 4 1/2 and 1 1/2. Enjoy your little one for now, and I'm sure you'll have another to keep her company before too long.

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I come from 13 kids, my dh comes from 8, so we were pretty suprised to find out that we can't have any more children. We have one beautiful 2 year old, and a 17 year old we've adopted as our own, she is her from Korea, I have to share her with her real mom, but well, she is mine too. lol. anyway this has been something I think about a lot because there is NO WAY I was going to have a ton of kids like my mom, I just don't have the patience for it but I really wanted 3. I worry maybe my daughter will be cheated of the relationships of siblings but then I think about how much time and love we will be able to give her as well. We may adopt down the road, I don't know but what I am trying to get at is there is no right answer...you have to do what is best for you and your family. What you can handle emotionally, and financially. At five months I was too overhwlemed to think about another kid so wow to you! I can understand if your husband doesn't want to put the topic on the table right now. Obviously though if you aren't getting rid of anything there is the question of maybe in his mind. I'm really close with my siblings, there are 13 of us in 20 years so we are pretty close in age and yeah we fought etc. but we all take care of each other too. One comfort for me not having more kids is knowing that my siblings will have kids around for my daughter to be family with. One of my best friends is an only child and when I cried to her about not being able to have more she said you just love that little girl and take care of her and even though sometimes it is lonely being an only child she will know how important she is and that is truly what matters in the life of a child. That sticks with me when I start to feel sad. Whatever your decision is, it will be the right one for your family. Good luck to you.

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I am one of 7 and I have 6 children. Large families are a part of me and hopefully they will be a part of my children's lives too. I know that having more children than the "norm" is an oddity, I get looks everywhere I go with my children, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Where else can you have your own cheering section when they are playing a sport, or have an event at school? When everyone is sick and you can't leave the house, who else would you play with? The times that I have spent with my siblings is the best times that I can remember. I don't remember having the current trendy clothes or things like that, but I did have the support of my whole family. There were times that we didn't like each other, don't get me wrong, but now that we are older (we are now ranging from 38-23) we are best friends. But like some of the other posts said, you have to decide what you want, and it needs to be a team effort. I wouldn't agree that it is too early to start talking, it is better to know now than when you are pregnant with the next that you don't want more. As for me, I don't know yet if we are done having kids.....my DH would like one more boy (we have 4 girls and 2 boys). So we are discussing even now and our youngest is only 4 months! Good luck to you and may your mind be at ease with whatever you decide. Just remember that what is right for one isn't always right for another, and you don't need to justify to anyone why you did/didn't have any more children.
J. (SAHM of 6 and love having the big family)

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I am an only child and my husband is the youngest of 5 boys. We both want a few children and agree that if we were unable to have more of our own children we would adopt. My husand has never expressed that he would not want more children, only that we could keep going and going! He really values the friendships with his brothers now that he is older, even though they did pick on him a lot when they were little. I feel a bit empty not having that sibling bond and always wish I had some. Also, I am already worried about my parents' physical and financial well-being when they are older and I have no one to share that responsibility with. I would not want to put our daughter in that situation, especially now that I have seen my parents both sharing in the care of my elderly grandparents with their siblings, and how much work it is. Onlys do get a lot more resources, but is no replacement for siblings. Plus, I have an admittedly difficult time sharing, even at this age!
I think you're right, he doesn't really mean no. He is probably just overwhelmed sometimes. At our house, I am the one after a bad night that says "No more kids!" but my husband knows I don't mean it!

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My brother and sister where and are my closest friends. Not that we always got along. And maybe part of it came from the fact my parents didn't expect us to take care of each other, that was their job but also, we never exchanged more than a couple of punches. Never beating each other up. Also, there was four years inbetween each of us. so, we where fairly well separated in school and didn't have to share the same friends. I wouldn't have changed having them for anything. I never seriously wanted to be an only child.

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I am the oldest of four children, and we are all married with young children. I love being able to all get together for holidays and events. We are all within a 3 hour drive of each other and our parents, so we see each other regularly--my two sisters I see almost weekly, and my mom several times a week. So, we are a close family. My sisters are my best friends, and I love that my little Emma has 7 cousins close by that she can see and interact with on a regular basis. I think it is great that she has those cousins as good friends. She talks about them all the time--even on days we haven't seen them. I could not imagine life without them. They are a huge blessing to me. My sister and I are even considering whether we want to homeschool our children together as a joint effort when they get to be old enough. Have at least one more. I think siblings teach you so many lessons--how to interact, how to share, how to love someone you don't always like, etc...

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I have siblings but we are spaced far apart because my sister who was one year younger than me was a stillborn. I love my siblings and am so grateful that I have them. I do wish that we were closer in age though so that we could have gone through similar experiences at the same stages. My two girls are 20 months apart which was a little closer than I wanted them to be originally but in the end I LOVE that they are that close. The first 6 months were hard with my second newborn and the oldest being under two but after the second began eating solids it got easier and easier. They love each other so much and we love that they love each other. They have moments of sibling rivalry but I really believe that parents can set a tone of love and respect and appreciation for each other that can minimize the sibling rivalry in a home.

I am the middle of five (and I don't suffer from middle-child syndrome, strangly). While as a kid, I always wanted to be an "only" as a teenager and now as an adult, I am SO THANKFUL for my siblings. I get along with all of them, we're very, very close - always hugging and saying "I love you". The thought of not having someone else who shares that type of bond with you (same parents, brothers, sisters, similar childhoods) is just unimaginable to me.

I have two kids (and we're done - although I do feel bad that my daughter will never have a sister and my son will never have a brother) I always tell them, "Some day, Mom and Dad won't be here but you'll be here for each other!" Although there are days I wonder what life would be like with one child, I see how they play together, how they kiss and hug each other goodnight and say, "I love you!" or how my son says to his sister, "If you're scared, I'll hold your hand." Nothing beats that and I wouldn't give it up for the more simple life with an "only."

I have a friend who was an "only" and she now has two daughters. She said that while she was younger, she liked being an "only" but now as an adult, realizes what she missed out on and that's why she had two kids.

Give it a year or so and then bring it up with your husband. Obviously, I think you BOTH need to be okay with another child, but maybe he'll have a different perspective in several months. Good luck in whatever you decide.

It's a bit early to be thinking about having another. It never crossed my mind until my kids were at least two years old. I was an only because I had a younger brother who died in infancy and my parents were devestated and didn't want to go through that again. I hated being an only, it's very lonely then and now. I've always envied others with siblings. The fighting and such is funny to me! Overall, I think my kids play more together than they do fight. I'd say don't make your child and only child. They may always say they'd rather be an only, but if they were an only, they always want a sibling. Otherwise there is nobody to complain about your parents to! Or when parents pass away, there is nobody to grieve with either. Either way, it's lonely all around.

I am one of three, and my husband is an only child. I was so glad to have had siblings while growing up! It was so nice to have other kids around, especially because I grew up out in the country and had very few kids as neighbors. My sister and I are still close. I often feel that my husband missed out while growing up "alone", though he doesn't agree with me. I have always wanted three kids, but so far we have compromised on two. At first, he only wanted one, but I talked him into having two. He has told me that he is glad that I did! He thinks it's great that our two kids have each other, and he loves them both dearly! I think it is so nice for the kids to have a built-in playmate and someone who is there for them no matter what.

I am the third of four kids. My two sisters are six and seven years older than I am, and my brother is three years younger. I have two kids that are two years apart. My sisters and I didnt get along as kids because they are so much older than me, and I didnt see much difference between myself and them, even though I was so much younger, and to them I was just an ADHD pest! But, now I have a great relationship with my sisters. Once we all had kids, the age difference just melted away, and we became friends. I know that I can ask them anything, complain about the crazy things that go on in my life, and lean on them when I need someone. We have all decided to make an effort to keep our kids in touch with each other because my parents didnt make that effort, and we hardly know our cousins. My brother and I have been friends most of our life, but things are better now that we are also on the same playing field.

My kids fight a lot, mostly because they are both very head strong and stubborn individuals. But they also have those moments when they love each other. I have thought about having a third child, but that blessing has been hard to come by. As my kids get older (7&5 now) the likelyhood of having another gets slimmer because I dont want two separate families.

I can tell you how great it is to have a brother and sisters, but ultimatly it comes down to what is right for your family. And to decide that, you need to sit down and talk seriously with your husband and decide what you want together. If you do decide to have more kids, dont let the gap between them get so big that they have no relationship to each other. Good luck.

I would have to say every family is unique and every situation is different, but my daughters would be lost without each other. They have plenty of time when they squabble (opportunites for them to learn conflict resolution ;) ), but those times are far outweighed by the good times. They are best friends. My daughters are 3, 5, and 9mos. The older two had a rough time at first, but now they spend hours making up imaginary games together. They'd much rather play with each other than anything else. On long car rides they keep each other entertained. When mom and dad are busy they have each other. If they go to a birthday party where they don't know many of the kids and feel a little uncomfortable, they hold hands and run around with each other. When my youngest came along, it brought out this amazing nurturing side in my oldest daughter. She used to love feeling the baby hiccup in my belly and when she was finally born her big sister was sooo protective of her. People would come to the house to visit the newborn and Hannah would say- "You can't take her home!" So anyhow, it's great getting to know my children as my daughters, but seeing them as sisters is just a whole nother facet I wouldn't miss for the world. It's not perfect.. there's definitely rivalry and I can't imagine what it's going to be like having three teenage daughters, but like I always tell them- "Friends come and go, but your sister is forever."

I am so grateful for the siblings that I have, 3, and my husbands, 7, neither of us would have it any other way. That said, I think that what is best for your family is between you and your husband and not really anyone else.

Whether being a family of one child or with several children is best does also depend on how you parent. Why not talk to your DH and ask why he is so adamantly against siblings, maybe he felt bullied by his other siblings and that his parents always took their side without really finding out what happened. I know that is what happened with me and one of my younger sisters and so we had a very difficult relationship for most of our childhood but it also taught me a lot that I would never have learned other wise and now we are quite close.

Maybe if you two can talk about your misgivings and then put together a plan of how to deal with those issues as they come up then your DH can get past his concerns and realize that your family together doesn't have to have the same problems that he faced in his. It's important to always be on the same page about how you want to raise and discipline your child(ren) anyway so maybe this is the perfect opportunity to do so.

Good luck, no need to rush, you have plenty of time to figure this out.

I cannot imagine life without a sibling. I have an older brother and when I lost my parents he and I really united and were there for each other.
There is something to be said for having a sibling. Your daughter is still very young and some kids do great being an only child.
With my daughter I thought I was done only one child, however as she got to toddlerhood her personality was really not an only child personality. I could tell she really craved someone to constantly play with and wanted to be a big sister so badly. Also she has no extended family so I knew she needed that connection for the rest of her life. When I had my son I knew it was the right thing to do.
I think it has to be a decision you and your husband agree on, write down the pros and cons. I think having a sibling teaches children very young to share, teaches compassion, responsibility and there is a life long connection for them. Even kids that fight in childhood majority of the times they end up really being close in adulthood.

My two children are 18 months apart and I would do it all over again. They are best friends, of course they have there fighting moments, but overall it is great. The first couple of years were rough, but well worth it. I am the youngest of seven and sometimes wish we were having more children because I loved being part of a large family. Both my parents are deceased and acutally three of my siblings as well and I don't know what I would do without my other sisters.
I do believe you have to both be onboard with having another child, that is why we don't have more. When I wanted more my husband didn't and then when he wanted more I had changed my mind. We decided that since we seemed to be rather fickle about the decision that we shouldn't have more and just enjoy the two we have.
Good Luck,
Tam

I loved having a big family but not everyone is the same. You need to do what is best for your family. Do talk to your hubby so you are on the same page and understand whether or not both of you want more kids or not.

Good Luck
C. B

SIBLINGS!!!!!!! Who else can you lean on when all else fails? You learn how to handle real life from siblings and all the drama. Your siblings are the only other people in the world who know what it was like growing up with your parents. I have three brothers and would like to have traded them for a penny most days, but I love them and really have found that all the things I don't like about them have taught me FAR more than anything else in my life. I have four children and they are all best friends currently. They are lost without the others. We are a mixed family with two from my husbands first family, one from my first family and one together. Our children are two years apart except the youngest is three. They fight, love and are a solid working unit. The main issue with having siblings is that you have to teach them that they are very lucky to have siblings and explain why it is very important to be nice to eachother and treat eachother with respect. Family is family and it is to be taken seriously. Friends come and go, but siblings are forever. They learn life isn't just about them and it is far easier to parent becuase they help entertain eachother rather than depending on the parents for EVERYTHING.

I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters,and I am the youngest. Some how we were spaced out every 3 years or so. We all now are in the ages between 30-45 years old. I love it ! We all have a good relationship with each other.I have 3 boys of my own. My second child was 5 months old when we found out I was pregnant with my 3rd, and my oldest was 3 years old.The reason we had our last child so close in age with our second is because the odds were against us. It took quite some time to become pregnant with my first son due to having PCOS. As for our second son he seemed spaced out pretty well from the first. So with all that in mind my husband and I decided against birth control in case we were unable to have any more kids or in case it took a long time before it happend.Now my boys are very close to the ages 2,3, and 6. I wouldn't have changed it for anything. We are done having children now. 3 is perfect for us !! As for the baby gear it came in very handy for all my boys. I took really good care of everything and kept it all nice and clean.It was all a great investment and we got alot of use out of all of it. Once I was done with it I either sold it at Once Upon A Child, or gave it away.
I have a neice who is 12 and she is an only child.She has alot of cousins. Sometme she'll comment on how lucky my boys are to have one another. I can sense she gets a little lonely with out any siblings especially when all her cousins have siblings.
I think you need to talk to your husband and discuss
the longterm outcome of what life will be like when the two of you are elderly and if one of you might need to be taken care of due sickness or whatnot? Would you want all af the responsibility to fall on only one person? God forbid something to happen to your one and only child growing up then what? My mom has one sister, but when my grandma died 5 years ago it may as well seemed like my mom was an only child. Thank God my mom had her 5 chilren to help her out taking care of grandma til the very end.
I love family!! Holidays and Birthday Parties are so much better because of family.

I am the youngest of 3 girls. My oldest sister and I are 6 yrs apart. The middle sister and I are 2 1/2 yrs apart. My oldest sister and I have never had a good relationship because she acted like my 2nd mother. My 2 cents? Have another, but just don't wait until there is 6 years between them. My middle sister and i get along great.