Only Child - Portland,OR

Why on earth would you feel guilty over not having or wanting a second child? I know. I know. Everyone told you that you needed to have two kids (close in age) so they would be "close," right? Phooey. Being siblings doesn't mean they are going to be close - it just means they are related. Whether or not someone is close depends on temperment - some will be best of friends, some will only communicate during holidays.

As a teacher you know and can see the benefits an only child can receive. Full attention from parents. A better financial situation in the home. You obviously know the potential downside of being an only child (isolation, inability to relate to peers, etc.) and I'm guessing that you have made certain to avoid those concerns. Your daughter doesn't need a sibling to have a playmate - she only needs friends, and I'm guessing that you have created a wonderful environment for her.

Stop beating yourself up for the perceived negatives from being an only child and focus on all the definite positives in your daughter's life! I'd bet that they FAR outweigh the negatives. (Any doubts? Read through some past posts about sibling rivalry!)

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Your comment that "it is probably not the right thing for myself or my family (financially, or mentally)" is wonderful for you to know about yourself and your situation. If you pursue an "ought" that doesn't fit you, would this amount to a disservice to your family and your own integrity? Bringing another human life into the world is an enormous decision, and if you think the added responsibility or expense would have an overall negative effect on your family life, why would you ignore that wisdom?

Kids who don't have brothers, or sisters, almost universally crave brothers, or sisters, at some point in their lives. (This was the case with my only daughter for a few years.) Kids who live in big, noisy families often crave the peace and attention that onlies are more likely to get. (My daughter came to appreciate her small family.)

Don't we all long for what we haven't got? It's just human nature. That doesn't mean we'll like it if we get it. I stopped at one child because that's how many I knew I could parent well. I have never paused to regret that decision - what would be the point? Contentment comes with simple gratitude for what we have, not wondering about what we don't have.

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I've struggled with this for a few years now because of my inability to get pregnant again. I finally started doing some reading on only children and raising them, and have found some wonderful benefits to our situation.

First of all, I want to say that just because a child has a sibling doesn't mean they will get along. I myself have 3 siblings, and I only really connect with one of them, and he is my baby brother, 13 years younger than me. It's more of a personality thing than an age thing, and that's something that cannot be guaranteed.

I would suggest reading Parenting an Only Child:
The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only
by Susan Newman, Ph. D. It has really helped me to take the focus off of what my son was missing out on, and to put the focus on the great things about being and having an only child. It also has great ideas on what the special needs of only children are and how to help them through them. It really helped me to see things from a new perspective and to see how great we really are as a family of three. :-)

Good luck to you on making peace with this. It certainly is a process, at least it has been for me.

C.

It all sounded great until you get to Julie B's message. The odds are in our favor only having one though. Attempt two kids and all kinds of things can go wrong. Stick with one, and what's the worst that could happen, your child grows up as the center of your universe. Have two and there's probably a less than 50% chance that they will grow up to be life long friends. I don't know about you, but I believe I will always feel some guilt about not being willing to take that chance and give my son what I had growing up and still to this day. But my son will thrive, he will be well loved, have every opportunity the world provides, and I shall not grow too weary to engage with him. Best of luck. May you find peace.

It sounds to me like you need a better understanding of what is causing your guilt before you can make a decision about your family...and no one can tell you what that is but you. If you feel your family is truly incomplete and you desire to have another child, then that is a good reason to pursue another child either through birth or adoption. There are millions of orphans all over the world that need a home. And if you are open to a toddler you could bridge the gap between your children's ages. Of course adoption and especially toddler adoption is not for the faint of heart. It is a process that is completely out of your control, not that anything is. We too never felt ready for another child, but had originally wanted more than one. When our son was three we decided to pursue the adoption option as we'd always planned to. Our Children are four years apart but our son was 5-1/2 when he became a big brother. It was hard at first, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. He has been refined in having a sister and learned that the world does not revolve around him and his needs and activities. It's been so good for him and for us as parents. And it has taught us more than we ever expected about love.

More important than all of that...how does your husband feel?

Hey J.! DON'T feel bad about your daughter being an only child! My son is 15, and an only child. The options over the years to have another child have been there, but due to my Health, we decided to not have another child. I don't regret it, because I realized after 6 miscarriages, I/WE ARE
SOOOOOOO blessed! I would change nothing. My son is my Jewel. You are very blessed! God Bless you & your family!

PS> I am also 35 now, and have had a complete Hysterectomy. I really believe my descision to only have my son was sealed for me when I found peace inside myself. Because I wanted another child for years, it was just not ment to be. So I have all I need! I don't know if that helps, but God Bless you anyway!

I have a 6 year old and a one year old. They are not "playmates" like siblings are when they are closer in age, but I SWEAR by this age spread. Here's why...

My daughter is old enough to know better when it comes to fighting, sharing, etc. She teaches him like I would instead of hitting him back or ripping a toy out of his hand.
My daughter is SOOO proud that she can teach him things and she can "mother" him when she wants to. He is basically her doll and that thrills them both.
My daughter is old enough to help out when I need it. She can watch him if I am not far away, she can change diapers, she can feed him, etc. Let me be clear here that I DO NOT use my daughter as a second mom, but I do allow it when she asks to help.
My daughter rarely gets jealous because she understands that his needs are sometimes more pressing. She asked for a sibling and feels like she had a say in bringing him here.

This age spread may not work as well with boys, but if the oldest is a girl, likes to "mother", and is asking for a baby, then it works great. They will not be peers until they are adults.

Well, being an only child myself; having a son who is an only child; and raising my son's daughter who is also an only child..., I can tell you, there are worse things than having an only child.

I wanted more children until I was about 37..., but I think it was more because I didn't have a choice on whether I could have more children (hysterectomy at age 28). Be that as it may, I was able to provide better for one child. We took our son everywhere we went and he was able to experience many things we would not have been able to afford had we had more children. He was articulate, intelligent and had an awesome sense of humor. He also had friends at school, so he wasn't all that lonely. He had one best friend named Ronnie, who was either always at our house, or my son was always at Ronnie's house. He has told me many times, that he actually liked being an only child. He didn't have to share his parents, and liked being able to go places.

Also, as was touched on by another person on this thread..., I adored my son. He was my life, and I'm not all that sure that I would have felt the same towards another child.

So, we are now raising a granddaughter. It's not as easy as it was when we were in our 20's or 30's and 50 is starting to feel old. She is extremely bright, very articulate, we take her everywhere we go, and she's been to Hawaii three times (she wants to move there).

So, I guess my point is..., you are the only one who can decide whether you want another child, and decide how old you want to be and still be raising children. My advice would be, only have another child if it's something YOU want or need to do. Please don't do it for your daughter, your husband, or anyone else.

I am the mother of one 8 year old girl. I went back and forth on having another child, my husband did too. It was never the right time. Think of it this way - you will be able to give her your all. Sports, school, activities... You won't have to share your time either. I let my daughter have lots of sleepovers.. Keeps her busy and having fun. She actually told me yesterday that she is happy to be an only child. She said she gets her own room and doesn't have to share anything. Lol. Just keep her busy and interacting with other children - that makes me feel better =)

I was 5 years older than my next younger brother (I'm the oldest of 4) and it worked okay... I wasn't thrilled that he was a boy and that he couldn't play with me immediately, but I got over it. I always wished my parents had given me a sibling much closer in age, but I was a pretty difficult child and it would have been too much for them to handle :)

I wasn't always nice to my brother when he was very little by any stretch of the imagination, but I did help out a lot once he was a few years old.

My husband is an only child and was perfectly happy being one. He's not spoiled at all and he had a very close relationship with his parents. His parents were in their early 40s when he was born and the one really hard thing about that is that his mother never got to meet her grandchildren and his father probably won't be around much longer...

So, there are good and bad things to consider about both options. Best wishes working through your feelings! It can be hard, but I'm sure you'll make the right decision for your family, whichever way it goes.

~B.

I'm 51 with a 16 year old daughter. We have had a great
time raising her and she is a great person. She has spent
a lot of time around adults, but she really is enjoyed
by adults, because she knows how to talk to them.

I always got to stay and watch her activity, instead of
driving siblings back & forth. I've watched the other mothers
and felt very good about just having one child.

Just enjoy it, not everyone needs siblings.

K. Y

Children are the only things that will be there when we get old, all else is material and will fade. When you are old and in a nursing home and lonely, what will bring you joy? Children are the only thing and are such a rich blessing. Age between siblings isn't an issue at all, as kids just love kids. Big sister would love a baby, and a baby will love a devoted big role model. A budget can also be tightened to accomodate a baby very easily, if we are willing to part with material goods (a car payment for an older car, a more reasonable house, time spent with kids rather than costly social programs, gently used baby items). So many people would love to have a baby and can't, and for this I encourage you to think on these things.