When I met my husband, I was working on my Ph.D. For money, I did odd jobs, on top of teaching at the University. I wanted to quit, he encouraged me to finish, even telling me to stop my money jobs to finish my write up. After finishing, I tried to make a transition into a few different fields, but nothing "real" materialized. I eventually ended up spending most of my time volunteering, but doing some terrific work. I stopped doing that when I had my first child. In any case, sometimes, when I piss off my husband enough, his slight ressentiment over me not making money comes out. He took off two weeks when both kids were born and thinks that what I do is a "joke." At the same time, he will tell you I am the most organized person you will ever meet, a terrific PM.
I made a 'bad' remark tonight. His resentment came out a little, and I told him "fine, if you want a dual income household, give me a year." My son will be two at that point.
We had been talking about home schooling, but I honestly don't think I can spend the rest of my life with him being a little bitter over the money thing. I just don't know how we can get past this without me literally going, getting a job, and him seeing what that would be like.
The problem is that I never had a "real" career." I'm trained as a researcher professor. I left the field 5 years ago, there is no way to get back in. I know what my talents are, but in this economy, I just don't see how I break into a new field.
I have no desire to have a career. I am an educator, and I want to be the educator of my children. I don't want anyone else doing that job, but I'm not sure I have a choice at this point.
We had a long heart to heart last night, and of course he wants me home. The money tension is actually me telling him we are broke. I do our finances, and since the arrival of my son, an extra college fund, a mini-van, etc. money is tight, very tight, and I am struggling with a cash flow problem for our modest life-style.
He does have a little resentment, and I do worry how this will play out over the next 20 years, but he honestly is a very kind, supportive guy that would do almost anything for me and the kids.
BTW, I did the budget thing with him once and we only had a puppy at the time! He told me not to take the job. He and I are OK with our weird 50's style arrangement --though he does a lot of cooking, at least 50%. I most likely have more problems with it then him, and maybe that's the problem.
Another thing I wanted to add is to have him stay with the kids by himself for a weekend. He will then see how much harder it is to be a stay at home parent then to work! I have done both and it is much easier to go away from home and work! He will see how hard it is to play, teach, clean, cook, etc!
J.,
Get a pen and paper and write down how much daycare costs. Prepare a draft budget (include gas, lunch, daycare, etc), show him the time it takes and the things that would be lost (family time, etc) and show him in black and white what it means to have 2 people working. That way he can see the practical side of you staying home. Hopefully that will make him not bring up the issue again, and you can remind him. Jobs come and jobs go, but you only have one chance to make a good impression on your kids. When they are gone, you can get another job, but you can't get back their lives lost.
I suspect your husband is probably happy with the way things are...he just wants to "O. up" you when he is pissed off. Try to disarm him from this type of unfair attack in the future by sitting and openly discussing your (both) priorities when it comes to your children. Once he comes clean and admits that he wants you home...his comments will hold little weight in the future and he will most likely refrain from using such lowdown fighting tactics.
You could also organize a spreadsheet, a P/L statement, if you will,about what $$ you really would be bringing home after all costs are considered (2nd vehicle, daycare, wardrobe, lunches, gas, time, etc.).
Hi J., I'm in a similar position, at least career-wise. I was in the field of psychology, but left to stay home before gaining a lot of valuable experience or getting a real foot-hold. So even if I needed to go back, I wouldn't be able to get back in at the level I should.
Anyway, I would guess there are one of two things going on. Either he is feeling frustrated at a tight budget and lashing out at (unfortunately) the most likely target- you. Or he is feeling a bit overwhelmed and unappreciated.
I do like the logical approach of presenting how you getting a job wouldn't be all profit, but before you do that, try seeing his side. More of a 'catch more flies with honey' approach. For starters, on a good day, just let him know that you appreciate how hard he is working for your family. This seems so simple and so obvious, but it is so often overlooked. I know I am guilty of being so stressed about the house, cooking, kids, etc., and honestly I become a little defensive if I feel like the house isn't clean enough, didn't do enough 'kid' time, etc., that I don't see what he is going through, I'm so focused on my little world. Not saying this is you, but in a general sense it might be possible? Just start making an effort to give him some positive feedback and support about what he does and see if that changes anything.
If you think he is worried about money, talk about that with him. Ask specifically what he worries about- is he afraid you guys aren't making ends meet or is it just the big picture (savings, lots of responsibility, etc.). If he is worried, just listen to him, ask what would make him feel more at ease and support that.
Disclaimer: I am totally not one of those Dr. Laura people who think we should submit to husbands (barf!). Not at all, if there is any mistreatment from him, that's a different story. But from what you describe, this is someone who has otherwise been supportive and a good partner. So what I've heard from you is that he is reacting to some kind of trigger about money, and I'm betting that you can get to the heart of it by supporting him.
Good luck!
Raising your own child is something you have to do when the opportunity arises. If you're too busy at that time, other people will raise your child for you.
So if staying at home is what you want to do, you have to present it as the best opportunity your husband could ever have!
You'll need to get your facts together to show your husband how it is a family financial asset for you to stay at home and raise/teach your family. You'll also have to work on being a terrific financial manager, making each penny say "ouch" before you part with it if you must. Millions of women do this every day and they can give you assistance. Your organizational talent will be a great help.
(I could add at this point - and obviously I will - that before I married my husband I told him that if we had children I wanted to raise them myself. It meant accepting a very simple lifestyle, with me being very careful of what I asked for! And that's all right.)
You also may need to talk to a counselor about the hard feelings over finances. If your husband won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself. The top three grounds of contention in a marriage are money, sex, and in-laws. So hit the issue head on and get it resolved so that you and your husband can work together as the team you need to be.
ACTUALLY... especially being a homeschool mum... you have quite a few opportunities to both work "in your field", get paid, and set your own hours.
Most HS parents don't teach everything. We farm stuff out. We sign our kids up for one off classes, weekly classes, seminars, & camps. A LOT of our kids are in community college by age 14-16 at least part time.
Whatever your field is, you can start teaching classes to these kids. You pay a nominal fee to a local community center, advertise through local HS groups, and teach. Average class prices vary by region, but in our region $100 per month (once a week class for an hour) is pretty common, as is $250 for 3 months. Say a class size of 10, and that's an extra $1000 a month. Even if you drastically reduce from "normal" (say $50 a month), that's still and extra $500. For 4 hours of class time, about 10 hours of prep time.
It lets you set your own hours, bring in extra money, and still be working in your field.
Some classes are more popular than others... a Microbio class for 6-12yo's I taught year before last ($60 a month fee to the community center) only had 3 kids in the first class, and then I had over 40 kids sign up for the second, and did it in multiple days. I just charged $50 per child, $25 for each sibling. Parents REALLY dig syllabi, photos, and projects that can be used for portfolios. Our state doesn't require portfolios, but most of us keep them anyhow. ((If you teach older kids, those portfolios are required for University entry - CC is free for "highschool" students in our state and just requires being under 18.. but the Ivy League and State U's all need portfolios and interviews in addition to the standard application).
We've been a part of some *amazing* classes put on by other parents and pros specifically for homeschoolers. A unit study on chocolate making, any language from anywhere on the globe - living or dead, shakespeare, archeology, drama, art... ANYTHING that a person can teach can be set up as a class (as short as a single day camp type class, or 5 weeks, or 12, whatever). Because in the vast majority of states even if you farm out classes, the parent is the responsible party, it cuts through a lot of red tape. Community Centers & Churches have their own insurance / etc., so unless you open a storefront, one ususally doesn't have to get any kind of business license or insurance, etc. One files taxes as either an independent contractor or a tutor. Just as an example: I'm not a microbiologist. I just happened to be talking with some friends about the unit study I was setting up for my son, and they asked if they could join and my house wasn't big enough, and then someone suggested listing it with the other homeschool classes at the community center once they saw what we were doing, and then I got way, way too busy. I may do it again at some point, but I'd personally need to not teach more than one class a week.
Anyhow... just something to think about. We have a large HS community here (both secular and religious), so I was up to my eyeballs in work... but if you offered one or more classes during "afterschool" hours tons and tons of parents search for enrichment and college prep classes for their away school children.
Just a thought.
Hi J.,
What a tough situation. I'm a SAHM, and I work PT because we need the extra money. Is that a possibility for you? Just something on the side, that you do on the weekend, or when your husband is home? I find it's great for me to get out a bit (I enjoy being around adults for a while!), and it's also good for my husband to see how hard staying home really is, if you know what I mean...
Being an educator, you might be interested in one business I have started for myself. I sell great children's books called Barefoot Books. They are really unique, and a great company to work with. I set my own hours,(I work a few Saturdays a month) and there are some events I can even bring my son to. I love that I'm running my own business and helping to relieve some of the pressure we have going on. Not to mention that I am helping to promote literacy by selling beautiful books! If you want more details, feel free to get in touch with me.
I hope you are able to find some compromise,
T.
Barefoot Books Ambassador
www.ReadandGrow.com
Yes... show him, on paper... all that you do... and then, all the money that you save... for him and both of you, by being home with your child.
Some men.... do 'resent' the woman... for staying home and not working. They have a condescending attitude toward that.
My Husband... had spurts of that too... like your husband.
For us, "we" decided.... that I would stay home with our kids. My HUSBAND thought it was best and a good thing for our kids.
I have been a SAHM, since my daughter was born 8 years ago. No, being a SAHM is not easy...
The thing is... is your Husband helping support you...since you are a SAHM?
SHOW him all that you do... all day and the money saved by doing so. AND the nurturing of your child... with you home... is something very important.
There was a time.. that my Husband thought I was just home doing nothing and eating bon-bons. La-dee-da all day. And he'd be resentful and selfish about it.
If I told him I needed money for something.. it was a pain. THEN he realized... that his "job" for having a SAHwife... is to HELP support that endeavor FOR "his" child too... and that it is important. He even posted a question on Yahoo... asking if other Husbands gave their wives money if they were a SAHM... and if he was being too tight or rigid about it... and they ALL responded back (most of them Men).. saying that he was being a "turd" and that YES... he should be supporting his wife... and that means financially as well... and contributing to some kind of savings or retirement fund... for her... since a SAHM does not work... that that is what a "proper" responsible Husband... does. AND the woman IS making sacrifices too... because as long as she is a SAHM... she is not accruing Social Security time nor a retirement money account/401K... or anything.
SO... THAT is a 'sacrifice' a SAHM makes... TELL your Husband that... you are not earning an income... but raising your AND his child..... and saving HIM money doing so... because he does not have to pay Daycare nor a Babysitter or any other child costs, with you home.
He should... appreciate...the sacrifices you are making... because, it is not just about working and earning a paycheck...
all the best,
Susan
hi J.,
i'm so glad to read your edit and see that you're working this out so well. it's a tough situation. we weren't able to do one income when my boys were small and it was so hard. there isn't a perfect solution sometimes.
it honestly sounds as if you would be a brilliant homeschool mom. i hope you look into it more. holler if you want to talk more about that privately.
i love your honesty in admitting that you prompted his resentment. that degree of self-evaluation is what will make this situation work. i agree with the suggestions to make sure he understands what your daily 'joke' life looks like, but also make sure that he understands how much you appreciate his hard work. some folks don't get what a huge stress it is to be the single breadwinner. his resentment is probably not *really* directed at you, just venting in general and our partners are so close to us that we all tend to aim and fire at the easy target when rattled.
ironically, now that my kids are in college, we are finally able to let me almost stay home (i work very part-time) and while i will NEVER be a dr. laura wife :::::::shudders::::::::: i do make sure that my dh is always being bathed in my love and appreciation for the brutal schedule he endures to allow this to happen. i don't do this because i 'should' but because it's genuine.
i'd like to suggest something that has worked for me, especially since you are far more qualified to pull it off than i. look at your community college (the university may have opportunities also) in the CE department. they are usually eager to have folks offering interesting and unusual classes, and you can make the schedule whatever you want it to be. the pay is laughable, but it's *something*, and since you're putting together a class you enjoy and is fun, creating the syllabus probably won't be particularly onerous.
i hope everything works out for you.
khairete
S.
If you have stayed home with your child for two years, you are lucky. I stayed home with my little girl for 6 months and felt extremely lucky.
So if you have to place him in school, the school can teach him at school and you can teach him at home. That is what I do with my little girl. I have no desire to homeschool, but I know I have to help teach her while at home.
I really like my daughter learning from many different educators. Right now she is in preK and she has about 3 different teachers, we work on workbooks at home and read every night. If we come across a word she doesn't know, we google image the word so she will better understand, as we read chapter books that don't have pictures. As well, from time to time, she visits with one of three neighbors who also talk to her on an education level.
I tend to agree with you, the resentment is there and probably is not going to stop.
J. let me applaud you for all of your hard work. You are awesome! And yet here I go, if you can- stay with your children! They are little only once. And now I look at my own and one is getting married, the other about gone. You can sub once in awhile to fall back on your need to educate elsewhere. But personally even if you eat beans forever, I would encourage you stay there and do your stuff!!!
Hi J.! I ended a successful career of 10 years to stay at home with my son after 1 year when I realized how much I was missing. Instead, I began to clean houses 2-3 days a week, and was still able to bring enough home to cover the mortgage- so my husband was ok with that. Then in April I had another son, and by about August money started getting a little tight again. So after doing alot of research and dead ends, I found a company that I could work at home with. I looked at all their information, googled them, and began in Sept. My check this month should cover my mortgage, and I am still home with my 2 boys- and I would honestly say I work less then part time! It is just nice for me to contribute monetarily to the household, since this was the first time ever that I wasn't making good money and I felt guilty even tho I know raising my boys is a job as well. My husband also helps with the laundry, cleaning, and takes over the boys (including changing diapers) when he gets home, so this allows me time to work and make dinner. If you want more info on what I do, request info on my website or msg me! Best of luck!
www.workathomeunited.com/themillers
B.
