One Baby or Two?

My husband and I got pregnant and had our second son when our first was 22 months old. I felt horrible about it because our oldest was not getting as much attention as he had previously been getting. Not to mention the night feedings, invasion of our already tiny apartment with another (very LOUD) child, etc. I thought we had ruined our son's life!

Then I realized that he was only upset when we kept him away from his brother. We would often go in to check on them at night to find that older brother had crawled in to his younger brother's crib and snuggled up around him. Now they are almost 2 and almost 4 years old, and they are absolute best friends. Older one will get a drink for the younger one. Younger one makes sure that older one has enough food on his plate, or he asks to sleep in his brother's bed.

Logistically, it can be more difficult. But going from no child to one child was infinitely more difficult than going from one child to two children, at least for us.

Also, economically, there really is no "good" time to have a child. If you are waiting for the "right" time, it will never come. But if you have your second child, you will find that although there may be tough times, the smiles, love from your oldest to your youngest, and additional love in your family will be so very worth it.

Just my two cents...

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We have two - 16 mos apart. The adjustment from one to two was much harder for us than having the first. The dynamic you describe above WILL change... I don't regret our decision one bit - I love watching their relationship grow (although fighting and whining is more with two...) and I knwo they will always have one another (IF they get along as adults - no guarantees). There is no wrong decision. Think about why you want two. If those reasons are compelling, have the second. If you are truly happy with one, there is NOTHING wrong with choosing to have only one. Best wishes in your decision.

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I'm very interested to read your resonses because I've been tossing around the same idea. While I'm not a stay at home mom, my son is 19 months old and our family dynamic seems "perfect" as well at the moment. Both my husband and I are okay with just having one child, however, we both grew up in families with siblings and know the bond that we have with them. So we almost feel as if we're robbing our son of that unique relationship by not having another child.

We do live in a neighborhood with other small children so as the neighborhood grows, he'll have plenty of friends to play with. But there's nothing like having a brother or sister. Our concerns are similar to yours regarding the economy, and we wonder if we'd be making it hard on ourselves by adding another child.

Having said all that, I have been of absolutely no help to you (smile)! But I can say that I've been told time and time again that no one is ever FULLY prepared to have another child because there are so many unknowns. However, it sounds as if you really want another one. And since you did say you were indecisive (like I am), this sounds like something you'll probably worry yourself with until you make a decision and stick with it. If financially you can afford another child, your husband supports your decision and you're ready to have another one, then you should weigh that scenario against the scenario of not having another.

I pray the best for you!

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My sister, aged 37, is in the middle of realizing that a second baby was a bad idea for her and her husband. Too late now as she has a 2 year-old and infant at home and is not suited to deal with both of them on her own.

She didn't want an only child, and in her own words, she wanted kids to entertain each other so she didn't always have to.

She's a full-time, loyal employee who very likely puts work ahead of her family. And, unlike my husband and me, she has 2 sets of grandparents plus our older sister to help her take care of the kids.

I, too, am indecisive, and I knew I wanted more than 1 child. I've always been a working mom, and despite being diagnosed with cancer after my 2nd child's birth, I still want another.

Listen to your instincts. I know for people like us, that's not always easy. But listen and make your decision based upon that. I didn't understand what people meant when they said that second child made things so much more difficult. I do now. But, it's the life I want, and I accept the stress, the expense, etc.

Good luck making your decision.

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Sometimes, you have to go with your heart.

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If you wait until you can "afford" to have another baby, it will never happen. Two children will be different, for sure. Babies are usually nothing alike...one is layed back and easy going, the other is "high maintenence". If you really want two children then now is the time. Especially if your family is in a financial situation that is favorable to you being at home.

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I have given 2 children a thought too.... I always wanted more than 1 because I am an only child. But I work full time, so does my husband. We still struggle in this economy. I want to be able to give our daughter (5 years old) the life that I had. I want to be able to take vacations, to do special things as a family, all the fun things I remember as a child. We have chosen to only have one child b/c it would make things much harder. I would love for her to have a brother/sister... but I feel like in doing that we would be struggling even more to get by and have to completely change our lifestyle. I don't feel like it's fair of me to want another child if it's going to possibly affect my current child's life and our family structure.

All my girlfriends are having 2 or 3 children... they always wonder why I only want one. I just cant imagine loving anyone more than I do my daughter. I want her to have all the guidence, love, and attention that she can get from us.

Just my opinion.

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It's good to think through things. But please don't play with too many "what-ifs." That's paralyzing. Children have been born and raised (and raised well!) in worse economies than this. People, not economies, raise children! (Conversely, even in the most prosperous economy some children do not turn out well. Is that the economy's fault?)

Yes, another baby will change the dynamic of your family. Two children take more time than one, so... you take the time and you get efficient. That's what time is for - to use in a good way.

When you say you're not working, you mean you're not working for a salary. You *are* working right now, and the work you do is very valuable! (But I'd better get off that soapbox or I'll be writing forever.)

Life changes day to day, second to second. If you really don't want to give up the comfort you have right this minute for any possible reason, then you've made your decision and it doesn't have anything to do with money. From the way you write, however, I have a feeling that you would be perfectly able to raise two children and love it... once you get over your fear of the unknown and move ahead!

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Only you can decide what is right for you. There is no right or wrong answer.

I knew during my first and only pregnancy that I was complete. Our daughter is 15 and to this day, we have no regrets.

Money and economy was not a part of the decision, it was the feeling we had of being complete.

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I haven't read the other responses, so forgive me if I repeat.

Having a baby is a very emotional decision. It's one that has to be made with your heart, not your head. Adding a second child is a big decision. Why my dh and I decided to have another I was petrified. I knew we wanted at least 2, but the decision was HARD! I was so worried that I wouldn't love the 2nd as much as my first. I was worried that my 2.5 year old (at the time) would resent her sibling b/c it took time away from her. I was worried we wouldn't be able to afford it. So, we sort of stopped trying and, of course, I immediately got pregnant. It was the best thing that has happened to us. My girls are totally in love with each other. Like you, I don't have to go back to work for us to survive, but I'm going to look for something part time when my oldest goes to pre-school in the fall.
Good luck on your decision!

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I think if you wait till you are in a "better financial situation" you can just keep waiting and waiting and waiting. And it might be too late by then. Lot's of people are having a hard time.
I'm right there with you though.
I have a 2 y/o and a new baby due in like 3-4wks. I am a SAHM and was totally planning on going back to work. BUt then TA-DA I got pregnant :)

I say take the time you have to have another baby!

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This is always a tough decision. It took me about 7 years to get my son and 2 marriages. So he was long awaited. Then at 7 1/2 months I got pregnant. My 2 boys are 16 months apart. It can be very challenging at times especially when they are close and the parents are a little older but my boys are so different. I would not change it for the world. I could also tell that my older one wanted to always be the center of everything and it was hard for him to play by himself. He also liked touching all the kids and went thru all the toddler transitions. But with my younger one it has taught him bounderies and how to be gentle to his friends and how to wait for things. It has also taught him how start sharing ( but believe me this is still a challenge now that they are 26 months and 9 months) and how to be helpful. He loves to help and especially with his brother. He still gets jealous with breastfeeding and wants mom all to himself but he also knows that mom and dad love him very much. If you have spousal support it is great because it will put a lot on him and it is also great if you have family near by. We do not so that is the difficult part. Hope this helps. We are now wondering to go for a third for the girl but the third will be the last. I feel if you love the sense of family 2 is great! Because now my 2 year old grabs all of us and says FAMILY!

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I just wanted to let you know I have 14 years between my 2 only's. It isn't the way I had planned but in reality is anything the way we envision or plan it to be? No. I was married & had my son... Unfortunately I got divorced, but it has been a blessing. I remarried & although we lost 2 babies back to back I have my long awaited blessing.

I "planned" to have at least 2-3 children about 3 years apart...LOL
Life did change but it can change at anytime
Just just go with the flow. I too stayed home & we homeschool our youngest. I now work PT on weekends with a flexible schedule.

Since your degree is in Early Childhood why don't you consider opening your own preschool? This wY you can be with your children & work when YOU want to.

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I am a SAHM of 2- 10 and 6 years old. We have been trying for number 3 for over 2 years now. I hold my degree in early childhood and I am working on a BS and them Masters degrees. I home school the 2 we have now. Our income is limited but I fully believe that there we only be another baby when God says so. I hope things work out for what ever is best for your family.

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I enjoyed reading the previous responses. So many different viewpoints and situations...

I'll just share my experience. I have two kids who are 19 months apart, and I am blessed to be able to stay home with them. But, let me tell you, the first year was hard. Really hard. There were days when all three of us cried at the same time. There was no down time at all. With only one child, my husband and I could at least give each other a break in the evenings, but after the baby was born, we had to "divide and conquer." lol
Going out in public was difficult because my older child was a "runner" - even playdates at the park were stressful, and I always felt like I was in a juggling act. My older one still wasn't old enough to walk holding my hand, so I had to carry both kids, plus my purse, diaper bag, etc... It was not fun. Some days I stayed home just because it was easier than juggling both kids, but other days I made myself take them out just to prove I could do it and because I knew it was good for all of us to get some fresh air and change of scenery.
As the baby got older, things became easier. Now they are 16 months and almost 3 years old, and I'm so happy that they are close in age. Most of the time, they share well, give each other hugs, and take care of each other, and they're starting to be able to play together as well. There is nothing like watching your children loving being around each other! Some days are still tough, don't get me wrong. But it is completely worth it, and I'm so glad we decided to have a second child.

Financially, it makes more sense for you to have another while you're already staying at home. If you went back to work and then decided later that you wanted to try for baby #2, then you would have the difficult decision to make of either quitting your job to stay home again or to continue working and send the new baby to a childcare situation. If you're already going to be home with your first child until he's in school, overlapping the time makes sense. That said, I don't think any decisions of this nature should be made solely based on finances. Most families never feel like they can "afford" to have a baby, but it manages to work out somehow.

Good luck in your decision-making. You definitely have a lot of good advice to consider from all these posts :)

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H.,
You will NEVER EVER regret having another baby!! I used to actually believe that I could never love a child as much as I loved my first. Then you hold that second(or third or fourth) baby in your arms and you fall in love all over again!! And the great thing is your older child will love the baby too!

Yes, it's expensive, yes, you will be tired and there never is a PERFECT time to have a baby...but when you see your children laughing and playing together I guarantee you will know you made the right decision!!

N.

PS I have 4 and it's a blast!!

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I am a lot like you in being indecisive. However, when I read your question I though wow, this is a tough one only because I now have 4 little ones so I know the difference from 1 to 2 to 3 and then 4. It does take some getting used to & it may be a challenge but like everything else once you get a hang og of it you'll be fine. I see it this way, if you have a second child you won't have any regrets, you'll have you baby, love & nurture him/her & life will go from there. On the other hand if you decide to have only one child you may always wonder what if... and have some regret. Best wishes, I hope this was useful to you.

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I didn't read all the responses, but here's my take:

Imagine yourself an old woman looking back at your life. If you only had one, would you feel regret? Sometimes we can make a logical choice and feel good about it in the end, and sometimes our heart wins out.

Whatever you decide, depending on your age of course, there's no reason you can't wait a little bit. Sure, kids close in age are great, but I have lots of friends whose kids are 3, 4, 5 years apart and they are happy as clams. Perhaps ignoring the "ticking of the clock" a little bit would help relieve some anxiety.

Good luck.

This is an easy one for me but I have to ask, "if you do not have a second child, will you regret it someday?". I think you will b/c obviously you have always wanted a second child and still want a second child so the fact that you are questioning yourself means you are thinking way too much about it. If you wait until you have enough money, you will NEVER have a second child. Now is the time while you are at home instead of waiting until your current child is 6 and then wishing you would have and now you stay at home 5 yrs longer until he/she goes in K too. I absolutely would have another child for your child to play with, to learn from, to keep him company, to give you the perfect family unit of four, etc etc Children are not that expensive when they are young. The expenses start when they are in school and sports. I have stayed at home since my 7yr old was born and we now have a 4 1/2 yr old too. The expensive part is the extra curricular things. Diapers and baby food is not cheap but it is not where you need to worry. Daycare if expensive so staying at home saves you there. You can always get a job at a preschool and put your youngest in it and make some extra money while giving them the social and educational benefits.
As far as life being easier, YES, life is easier with one child. YES, errands are easier, YES, you can give your current child much more attn...........but I would not change having two children who love each other for anything in this world. They love each other and I love having them BOTH more than I would want just one child that is lonely while I am cleaning, lonely while I am cooking, etc My grandma is an only child and she is sad to this day, she says she is all alone and wishes she had a sibling her age to understand her and to be there with her. Sounds to me like you really want this second child and that you are trying to talk yourself out of it with all the possibilities that might happen but that you really, really are hoping we talk you into it.........DO IT! Have that baby now! :o) Let us know what you decide.

hi, i think if you heart is telling you to have another baby you should. other wise you will always wonder if you should have. pray about it first. if you wait till you have more money you will never have one. it seems the more we have the more we want. your family will change but it will change and be even better. i think if you have one the more the merrier. there just really isn't that much differance. one thing is for sure, there are more kisses and hugs and i love yous to go around. any way good luck and god bless. i hope it works out for you and your family. mom of 7 , R.

I feel your pain, H.. My son is now 4, and I went through just about all the emotions that you are describing and more. Our family dynamic was really good also, and my husband and I finally decided that we didn't want to mess that up. Call me selfish, but he plays fine by himself and has plenty of friends. Part of me felt a lot of pressure to have more than one because so many people think that's what you are supposed to do. I have put that behind me now. Having just one child ended up being the right decision for us....I can devote everything to him....he gets all of my hugs and kisses!! This is a decision you have to make of course.....if you waited to be financially sound to have another one you never will. It depends on what you think you can handle. Good luck!

I have six sons. My three oldest are completely on their own now, and my three youngest are working toward independence and will be out of the nest soon. When my kids were little I worked very hard to keep up with them and their diapers and their noise. I remembering dreaming about the day they wouldn't need me. Of course, now that thought makes me sad.

I'm sure you'll never have six, or even three or four. But I'm very glad for all the sweat equity I put into raising my boys and it's wonderful now seeing them take on the world as men. It's also wonderful seeing them interact with each other. Some parents are meant to have only one, but if you think you want more you shouldn't let time or money or fear of disruption stop you. There will never be enough time or money, and they disrupt your life for only a short time. Then they're on their own. I have a graduate degree and published books but raising my sons is my greatest accomplishment.

Have you checked into being an adjunct instructor at your local community college? I teach one night a week and seem to have found a balance between family and working. It also gives me some much needed adult interactions. I have two boys, 27 months apart. The extra money allows us some low budget fun. Good luck!

My kids are 4 and 18 months....and they are SO MUCH FUN!!! Watching the two of them interact brings me SO much joy, almost to tears. If you have another, things will work out just fine. It's obvious that you want one, so I say to have a little faith and jump in with both feet! Your children love and adore and protect each other throughout life, and you will feel so happy that you created this for them.

People never look back and wish they hadn't had another child, they look back and wish they had! Personally, I could never have just one...I love my siblings and want my son to have at least one as well. It is a very personal decision, but if you think you would be able to make it on one salary, then I wouldn't weigh the money factor too much...somehow the bills always seem to get paid! :)

If you want another child I say have one! So what if you stay home with them until they start kindergarten? You will have given your children the nurturing and stability they need to be successful. I have stayed home with my daughter (and am currently pregnant with #2) for 7 years! I also homeschool. I will soon have my Masters in Special Education, but I plan on staying home for as long as we feel our children need me.

You can always go back to work later on, but your children are only little once.

I have one child, and we will not be having any more. It was very hard to conceive my daughter, there was a point in time that we didn't think we would ever have a child. I was told by my doctor that the chance of me having another successful pregnancy is very low. People ask me all the time "when are you having another one?". I just tell people we don't want another one. That is easier than going into the whole story of 'we can't have another'. The thought that my daughter will not have a sibling makes me sad at times, but I tell myself that here is no guarantee that they would even like each other lol. I also think about all the perks of having only one. I can focus all my attention on her, I only have to pay one college tuition, no fighting siblings, no sibling rivalry. There are also lots of perks to being done with having kids. I don't ever have to be pregnant again, I don't have to deal with a screaming newborn. I am done schlepping around a huge stroller and huge diaper bag. I don't have to deal with colic, gas, teething, getting up in the middle of the night. I am done missing all of Thanksgiving dinner because I was in a back bedroom breastfeeding. My child is getting old enough now that I can go back to work, and get somewhat of "my own life" back. But like I said, I tell myself all these things because I can't have another one. But they are still very valid reasons to be happy with only one child. Family size is a tough decision. Search your soul, talk to your husband, and the answer will present itself (hopefully). I wish you luck with your decision.

I know they say that there is nothing wrong with having an only child, but I have only ever met one only child in my entire life that liked being an only child. Everyone else I have talked to always talked about longing for another person just to be there.

Even yesterday I met up with an old high school friend who I haven't seen in years. One of the first things she said to me was that she was really devastated she couldn't have anymore children. She currently has a 2 month old son and had to have an emergency hysterectomy after giving birth to him. She grew up as an only child and always wished to have a sibling so the one thing she never wanted to do was have an only child herself.

On a personal note, I think it is very unfair to the child in most situations (I will agree that in some rare cases, one child is better) when parents choose not to have more than one. I agree that it will be very hard to have two children, epsecially when they are young, but I also agree with several other mothers that you will never regret having another child. If everyone waited until their finances were stable before having another child, most couples would remain childless. It is a sacrifice we all make, but one that no one ever regrets.

Good luck with your decision!! ^_^

Most posters say it shouldn't be a financial decision, I disagree partly. You have to be able to afford your children. Monetary problems is the most common stress factor on a marriage. It has to be figured into your plan. Do your pros and cons list and talk with your husband. You might be putting too much pressure on yourself and you are so young you have plenty of time your kids don't have to be so close in age. Take a breather and look at it from all angles we can all give you our point of view but you and hubby really need to put your heads & hearts together.

I have one daughter... she's 13 now. When I had her I wanted more children, as did my husband. We decided that if we were to have another child it would be before I turned 35 yrs old. We had our daughter when I was 30. When I turned 34 we had "the talk" and to my surprise he had decided he didn't want any more kids... and thankfully that was what I hoped he would say. So we have one daughter and no regrets. We agreed that day that if the day came that we wanted more kids we would adopt.

Hi H., I felt many of the same things as you. One of my concerns, like another mentioned, was having to share my love of my first child with a second ... but amazingly your heart just grows! I talked to a lot of people, I prayed, and in the end we decided to have a second. We are so amazingly happy that we did. What a blessing both children are!

It is going to cost us more financially - we are doing the private school route, and it is a bit more work (but truely only a bit), but, the rewards are great! What a delight they both are in very different ways. It is so wonderful that they have each other now ... and knowing they will have each other in the future - especially when we get old.

I stay home too. You may want to consider other ways to keep up with your career if you do plan to go back. I recently wrote an article about the choice to stay home and your career. You can view that if you like at http://tinyurl.com/2w67u3a

I opted for staying home, starting a home business, and keeping up with my career with education and also continuing to publish in my field. I am not sure if I will go back to my "job" once both are in school, since I want to be home soon as they are done with school, but I do plan to keep my options open.

Good luck with what ever you decide!
D.

It is not fair for people to write that you will not regret having a second child because noone would admit that they MIGHT have made a better decision by limiting their family!!!
I have been in your shoes and have an (almost) 7 yo and an 8 month old. I'd always wanted two and wanted them 2 years apart. Cancer has a way of changing the playbook on you, though. I learned to be happy with my son partly because life was hectic and we were not sure we could have more. Here's my two cents:

I'd wait...you have time (I am 35 w/a newborn, so it can be done!) I thought I'd hate having a spread between the two, but it is not all bad. There are actually some good about it. You may find yourself in a very different place financially in a 2-3 years and you can pad your savings to plan for your time off, if you want. If you really think then you want another, then go for it!!!

Good luck!!

I have 2 kids and also have my degree in childhood edu. I worked for a while when i only had one child and i was only brining home 30 dollars a week after paying insurance and day care my hubby and i came to the conclusion that it wasnt worth 30 dollars and having someone else raise our child.2 kids deff worth it but dont stress over the money