41 answers

On a Scale from 1 to 10, How Rude Is This?

My brothers and my husband and I are ALL sick and tired of our family's feuding over the holidays. I'm super laid back; the girls spend every other holiday with their dad, and I'm okay with that.

But when we do have the girls, it's like WWIII. My aunts and my mom argue over who's house Thanksgiving or Christmas will be held at (2 hour drive to the aunt's house)... my SILs family want to see them, MY inlaws want to see us... point is, we're all spread so thin, we all want to hide!!

So this year, my brother wants to have Thanksgiving at his house. We both know this will NOT go over well with the rest of the family. I asked him if he minded if we opted out (he lives pretty far away, it would be VERY tough with the kids, plus my kids are allergic to their cats)... he told me no problem, he completely understands.

I was thinking of telling my family that, for Christmas, if they want to see us, come see us. Ditto for the inlaws. I want to invite everyone to come between, for example, noon and 5pm, I'll provide finger foods and munchies, and all sorts of drinks and snacks the whole time, if you can come, great, if not, whatever that's fine too.

Is that rude? I only ask because we already know Thanksgiving is going to be a disaster (heck, my husband and the baby and I might even hang out at our boat club so we're not even home)... I don't want to add insult to injury for Christmas day, but I really want to avoid a huge hassle too.

What do you think?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

WOW, thank you all, you have absolutely NO idea how relieved I am hearing all this.

To answer the question 'why would it be rude?', you don't know my mother ;) I feel a lot better about it though!!

And someone asked, yes, I am the ONLY one with young children...

Featured Answers


I've never gotten the idea that grown adults WITHOUT kids should stay home, while young families are schlepping tired kiddos hither and yon. Other way around, people!!!

2 moms found this helpful

I say do it. Not rude at all. A lot of people are doing it this way when they have multiple family members from all sides. Makes it less of a hassle. It'll give you time to actually enjoy the holidays and not be stressing over it all. If people don't like it, they don't have to come by. But if they do that, they are opting out not seeing ya'll. Their loss. So yes go for it!

1 mom found this helpful

I finally bowed out of family Thanksgiving b/c of the drama. I host my inlaws and see my family at my aunt's house on Christmas. We hold in-law Christmas whenever is convienent between the 23rd - NYE. I don't think it's rude. If they can't get it together and stop fighting, then you do what works for you and don't press them to come or hold it against them if they don't. I just told my family I wanted to host Thanksgiving here. They are always welcome to come, but I would no longer attend at my uncle's house.

More Answers

I agree with the person who said the idea of what's basically an "open house" on Christmas Day won't really satisfy anyone because they would have to drive, some for what seem to be long distances, to you, and then be part of a casual open house, when clearly the expectation on their part will be for something more. Will you be miffed if any of them do come but then hang around the entire time, 12-5, because they feel "that's our Christmas Day"? Or are you picturing this being a true open house, where folks might come for an hour, two hours, and leave, and other guests turn up a few hours into it, etc.? If it's the latter -- that's not really going to happen on Christmas Day, based on your family's past, is it?

However! The idea of an open house is a great one. Why not do it on Dec. 26? Or Dec. 24? Let everyone know you're having a family Christmas at home but hosting an open house another time. There is way too much pressure on Dec. 25 in this country -- in other countries, Dec. 25 is very quiet and then there is a lot of visiting around to friends and family on the 26th and even later, right up to New Year's. Less pressure on folks to be in a certain place for JUST Christmas Day.

3 moms found this helpful

It's not "rude" but remember it's out of the realm of "normal" for your family.

For Thanksgiving, the allergies and distance is good enough reason to stay home.

For Christmas, I probably wouldn't say something like "if you want to see us, come see us" though! That will tick some off.
Send invites or evites for a Holiday open House on xzy from abd to def and then brace yourself! They won't like it! Some may decline (as you are to your bro's invite) so that HAS to be OK with you. Be prepared.
The only way the "holiday givens" ever change is if someone steps up and challenges, then CHANGES them! Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

So, it's never rude to invite your relatives over to your house and change the tradition up a bit. It sounds like you have the younger children, and therefore more complicated to travel with..

I would only suggest, that if you do invite the others over, for Christmas, and they make that long 2 hours drive that you don't want to make, you should serve more than munchies and snacks. I would need a real meal..so order the pre-cooked turkey meals at your local grocery store if you're not up to cooking.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't think it's rude, but I wouldn't go into all the reasons for it. Just plan it, host it graciously and never mention your motivation. That's the part where feelings could get hurt.

We had to organise the situation pretty early on and we fell into a good rhythm. Christmas Eve was always at one grammas house and Christmas Dinner at the other. Thanksgiving we alternated years. Now that one gramma has passed on, Christmas Eve is at my house and Christmas dinner is at the other grammas.

2 moms found this helpful

Totally not rude. You may make your family mad because you're not just bending to their wishes, but it's not rude.

We don't travel for Christmas anymore either. If family wants to come see us, they can.

2 moms found this helpful


I've never gotten the idea that grown adults WITHOUT kids should stay home, while young families are schlepping tired kiddos hither and yon. Other way around, people!!!

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds like a great compromise. How can that be rude?

2 moms found this helpful

Well I think it depends on what's up with everyone else. Do your IL's have other grown children and grandchildren to see? Do any of your brothers or your husband's siblings have kids? If there are other families with kids involved, you have to take that into consideration. If you're the only family with kids and everyone wants to see them AND you have room to accommodate guests, then it makes sense to offer to host at home.

Then...you really can't have people over from 12-5 on a holiday in which they need to travel to your home and not serve Dinner. With a capital D. Because to provide munchies and finger foods during that time period you're basically saying "if you want to come and see us, you can't have a proper dinner anywhere because you'll be at my house and I'm not making dinner" and that doesn't sound very hospitable, right? I mean do you really expect them to have a nice breakfast at home, have munchies at your house and then go home later in the evening and cook or eat a sandwich or something?

So I'd say that if you have the room to host, if it doesn't cause logistical challenges for other families with young kids and you plan on serving an actual meal, go for it! If those conditions aren't met, though, maybe you can try to fit in with one of the original plans. I can assure you that my mother would blow a gasket if we weren't letting her host Thanksgiving OR Christmas, which is what you're doing to your Aunt and Mother if you brother does Thanksgiving and you take Christmas. Not necessarily rude - they might WANT a break - but if it's something they really value doing, it could be hurtful to suggest two changes of venue in the same year.

1 mom found this helpful

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