Hello, so ive been divorced for about six months and before that me and the ex were separated for two years. About three months before the divorce, I reconnected with a former mutual friend of mine and the ex (the two had not spoken in three years). I got divorced in march and for a summer trip, me and my best friend decided to go to atlanta which is where lets say bob lives. Since june, we have talked everyday. He would tell me good morning and goodnight. Check on me throughout the day, we skyped, had awesome conversations and it was great. We both love english, words, books, ninja turtles...yes we're nerds. I only went in august and we had an awesome time. I went back for my birthday in october and he took me to orlando for my birthday! We, or so I thought, had an emotional connection. He used to tell me that he could see us together and even asked and showed concern/interest in my kids. The whole time though since august, he had also been threatened by my ex because my ex says they use to be friends. So?!?!?! After orlando I asked if he wasntrying tonstartb relationship. He said no because he didnt want to cause problems for me and the kids between my ex since he was getting nonstopnthreats and still does. Ive argued and told my ex to f off multiple times. He has two girlfriends!!! So why be in my business?? I havent spoken to bob in 4 days...this is weird since we usually talk everyday. Im hurt and feel a bit of hostility and anger towards him. I understand but I dont at the same time. Is it wfongnto feel this way? I feel like a stupid high school girl. This isnt normal, and why am I so upset when obviously there wasnt anything there??!! Men irritate me :-[
Thanks for your responses. I think I'm more mad at myself for jumping in to something instead of taking care of me first. I appreciate those who told me focus on me and be alone first. It's hard when people, especially friends and family are suggesting dating sites and people when I need to just be me and my kids. I know I can't be mad at him and I honestly do not blame him either, I would run too.
Sounds like "Bob" is the only one acting mature and level headed in this current situation. I wouldn't want to deal with the nonsense, either. He probably got scared away and does actually not want to hurt your children.
If I were in "Bob's" shoes I would end the relationship. Most sane people don't want to deal with a crazy ex. Bob should have just spelled it out for you that it is over but he did tell you he doesn't want to be the source of problems. Bob is a smart man.
Minya, your post sounds chaotic.
I've been through a divorce, and the best advice I can give you is to stop thinking about any new relationships, wrap up your old one, and go to counseling for a while. Find out why your last relationship didn't work. Find out about you, now. Find out what you want. I can't imagine anybody wanting what you described above.
You need to figure out how to get healthy in your boundaries with your ex, how to stabilize your life with your kids (and I'm not saying you are unstable, what I am saying is that most women would have a very difficult time being present and focused on their family with this much drama going on).... Get comfortable with being on your own for a while.
Once you have gone through this process, you will be in a much better position to choose more wisely. My guess is that you are upset because you didn't have a chance to just be happy in being alone. You went from separated to having a quasi-boyfriend to divorced to having an acting out ex and thus, a quasi-boyfriend who doesn't want anything to do with getting his butt kicked by an ex-husband who has issues. MOST sane guys are not interested in dating someone who comes with this much drama. I wouldn't be mad or frustrated with Bob-- Bob has good reason to run for the hills. If I was dating a man whose ex was acting this way, I'd tell him call me *after* the ex was a bit less rabid, you know.
Find a counselor, work through getting happy and whole with yourself and also with setting boundaries with your ex husband. You are still emotionally enmeshed with your ex-- you may not see it, but it is outwardly apparent. So, take care of one thing at a time. Take good care of yourself, first.
getting into a relationship so soon after a divorce is not highly recommended.
The ex-husband needs to be reigned in. Threats are not good. Why have they not been reported to the police?
Please take at least a year to be you. Find a counselor. Get your feet on the ground as you and not part of a couple. don't repeat the mistakes of the past.
If your friend is getting threats from your ex-husband, he should report them to the police.
Sorry, but your ex-husband is a tad overboard and your Bob has decided that his life might be a tad bit longer if he leaves you alone. Bob told you straight up - "no because he didnt want to cause problems for me and the kids between my ex since he was getting nonstopnthreats and still does."
What I don't understand is WHY or HOW your ex-husband knows who you are dating.
Why would you feel hostility towards Bob?! girl - he's been threatened. You are the reason he's threatened. You expect someone to be continually threatened and want to keep the source of the threats in his life?
This is a "men" thing. This is something you need to resolve. Your ex-husband must be dealt with. That means court orders, etc. Are you NOT concerned about the safety of your children???
There was something there. He was just smart enough to get out of a toxic situation.
Hi, MNW:
It is not men in general, it is your ex and the man you got involved with.
You have created a problem for yourself.
You didn't get it right with your ex husband, and now you are not getting it right with your ex boyfriend.
Find out and share with your ex husband what happened in your marriage.
1. Tell your ex husband why you wanted a divorce.
2. Tell him what impact the marriage had on you and the
children.
3. Tell him what the hardest thing is for you and the children.
4. Tell him what you think needs to happen to make things right.
To tell your ex husband to get lost is an aggressive stance. We are taught to be respectful of each other.
I think that you need to grow up emotionally, spiritually, and cognitively.
Your children are imprinting what you are doing in their little minds.
This is how aggression is learned, through their parents behavior.
Good luck
D.
Whatever kind of threats your ex made to your new beau obviously spooked him out big time. For Bob to be so scared, I would imagine your ex's threats are illegal, such as death threats, perhaps? If bob has proof of your ex's threats via emails, texts, or voice messages, he should show them to the police and press charges against your ex, as well as get a restraining order against him. Then, hopefully Bob will feel comfortable in resuming your relationship. If he still does not feel comfortable in resuming your relationship, perhaps he is not the one for you, and you should cut your losses and move on. Best wishes to you!
Don't be mad at yourself. It's not your fault he's an a$$hole. I know 2 very smart wonderful women who this has happened to. One was living in FL and moved back to CT after her mom died so she could be around to assist her elderly father. Once the boyfriend found out she was moving he came clean about having a girlfriend for the last 4 yrs. My other friend was chatting daily with a guy from high school after their reunion. She's in NY he's in NC. She found out that no he wasn't divorced he was married for the last 35 yrs and HE WAS DOING THIS WITH A COUPLE OTHER WOMEN FROM THE REUNION.
Tell "Bob" that you just want to be friends and take some time for you. If he's a real man he will respect that and you two can stay on friendly terms. I can appreciate that he is trying to not make your life difficult esp. with kids involved but he shouldn't be afraid of your ex. Call the cops and get a restraining order if need be. If Bob is still available when your head and heart are ready for a relationship then you can pursue it. If not, it wasn't meant to be!
