Older Son Living at Home

Have some mobsters "motivate" him.

1 mom found this helpful

I can't say "kick him out" because you asked me not to... In that case, there is nothing you can do. Why on earth should he be motivated to get a job & leave home when Mom still takes care of his every need? He has no desire (and no NEED) to get a job- and there is really only one thing you can do to get him motivated, but you don't want to do it. There is a reason why you hear it so often- because that is what is needed.

Would it help if you told him- "You have three months to find a job and save up enough money to pay a deposit and first months rent for you own place (or a place with roommates). At the end of three months you are no longer allowed to live here, unless you are paying for room and board." The key here is that you have to actually be WILLING and ABLE to stick to it when three months are up- NO excuses from him! If you cannot do that, then you will have a roommate for life probably!

May God bless you and motivate your son!
P.

1 mom found this helpful

S.,
Since you don't want to kick him out, I suggest you find a family counselor that deals with codependency. Right up front you'll get to tell a professional about your situation and pay someone to tell you what you already know deep down. You're behavior is seriously destructive to your son's success and your marriage, but you need the right tools to get back to normal effectively. If your husband isn't supporting your resolve, you'll need to address that issue also. There is no easy answer here and there is no easy decision to make. If you want your son to be successful and independent, you'll have to make the commitment to 'launch' him. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I am afraid that nothing will change unless he starts to care whether or not he is sleeping under a bridge. As long as you are willing to provide everything he needs he will be willing to take it. It is completely up to you what happens. Good luck, it is a tough situation for a mommy!

1 mom found this helpful

I would give him one month to get a job or tell him he is out. I would also start charging him rent in a month. This does not have to be a big amount but enough to make him need to work. If you don't really need the money set it aside for when he finally does move out. I had to stay at my mom's for a little bit and when she was at work I was not to be at the house. I was supposed to be out looking for a job. This would help motivate him also. If you cotinue to let him stay home and not work he will still be at home at 35. I know this from watching a friend of mine for many years. She just moved back home after being out for a little over a year because she was not responsible for her money. She is 33 and living at home again. You have to make them responsible for them selves now or they will always depend on you.

my mom stayed so involved in my life that i moved out 3 times! i did have to keep coming back only because I was not financially able to make it out on my own. the last time i stayed with the agreement that i would only work part time and would not move out until i got married. with that said let me say that i was a single mom and got married at 23. be that parent. ask where he is going when he will be home and who he is with. another comment mentioned all the "extras" like cell phone, car payments, gas insurance take it away. if he is going to act like he is in highschool treat him like he is. or you can always tell him that you and your husband are moving to a small town in another state. Good Luck.

When I came home from college at 19 my parents told me I had to pay $200 a month rent. I had no job, but I did have a small savings. I paid rent and for my food and anything else I needed. Would they have kicked me out if I didn't pay? I don't know but I plan to do the same thing. My adult children will not live in my home mooching off of me. They will work and they will provide for their own needs. I got a job right away and while I didn't like it I stayed there while looking for a better job. Even when I went through brief periods of unemployment I still payed rent and everything else I needed. and I got out of that house as fast as I could, too! LOL My parents did not make it pleasant for me.

Do you want him standing on his own feet or not? You have to motivate him somehow. I am autistic and even I was able to support myself to a certain degree.

S.

Although, I honestly believe the tough love answer of "kick him out" is the right one, I know it's the not the Mama's love answer. Mine are only 6 and 8 yrs old and I'm the rescuer when they get in trouble.

Examine what it is that got your son to where he is. Why is he not motivated? What does motivate him? Start by working on the underlying issues. If he isn't willing to do this or hasn't learned the life leasons yet needed to be responsible, then get used to him being around because that's where he'll always be when things don't go his way.

Wow the other moms have some great advice. Your story sounds so much like my life. My parents helped me all through high school and college (I had to take loans to pay for everything and get good grades, but when my grades starting slipping because I was partying my mom threatened to bring me back home). My mom sheltered me- they paid my insurance, bought me several cars, paid my gas- dad gave me his gas card and I never saw the bill, gave me a cell phone that I never saw the bill, helped out when I ran out of college loan money at the end of every semester, set up my apartments everytime I moved. When I got married I freaked out (complete nervous break down)because I didn't know how to make the money strech to cover my car insurance, gas, student loan, bills, etc... I was smart, graduate with honors, motivated to get a job and go back to school and I had NO idea the reality of life good thing I had a motivated husband whose parents taught him reality- otherwise my parents would have been supporting us both.

My younger brother, however, still hasn't yet learned this life lesson and my mom doesn't want to kick him out of the house either. Unlike me, he has been in trouble with the law, has problems with school and my mom (not my dad) still feeds him, clothes him, gives him money to take his girlfriend out, pays his college (even though he doesn't go half the time), pays for the tickets he gets because he speeds in the car my parents bought for him, pays his rent, does his laundry, makes sure he has a shower- and no he doesn't have any chores, etc...

I fear for my parents marriage as the difference of opinion in what should be done is causing extreme arguments, and I fear for my brother-if anything ever happened to my parents he would be so worse off then I was when I graduated college (at least I had some part-time jobs, balanced a check book, knew how to do laundry, and had lived on my own with some parental support). I encourage you to find a way to not enable your son to stay at home. Really look inside and ask yourself- what are you doing to allow him to think he doesn't need a job or a place of his own? Then I would work on changing those. Get counseling, get your son counseling- but dont' let this continue for another year. It would be a differnt story if he had a job, paid rent, and basically just had a room- but he has to learn reality.

If you really wanted him out, he would not be living there. At 27 a lot of men are not only taking care of themselves but a family of their own as well. So he can take care of himself if he needed to. Give him a time limit to get a job, save a little and get out. Your not going to be around forever and you don't want your son to be the burden of the family. My husband and I got married at 18 and 21, we work, and take care of ourselves. That is what is expected of us, and we don't think our parents are bad people for it, we know they would be there if we were in a bind, but they would not tolerate us being lazy for a minute. He can do it too!

Love and logic....If he does not want to live like an adult, he is choosing to live like a child...he needs chores, a curfew, t.v. restrictions, and a bedtime. Honestly, I agree with many of the other posts....set time limits and stick to them...otherwise he will just think you are a joke.

My parents never handed me a thing. In fact my dad bought my first car for me and I had to pay him back WITH INTEREST. I also had to pay for my insurance and my own gas...while still in high school. The same for college, I paid (or found scholarships) for both my bachelors and my masters degrees. My parents contributed $500 TOTAL to my entire college career.

I fully respect them for everything they did. Because of them..I now know how to survive when finances get tight and I am very proud of my accomplishments. Don't rob your son of the chance to feel proud of himself. Adulthood is accomplished with much pain and hardwork.

God Bless

So, how does he eat, see, shower, stay warm, etc.? I am sure he does those things... and you get to foot the bill...

You could start charging him rent - for food, utilities, etc. or he can go get an apartment....

A neighbor went through this with her son. He even moved in his girlfriend when she got pregnant and then stayed so long they decided to have a second child.

My best advice is start in stages. First set expectations for what you expect him to contribute to the household as far as chores and expenses. If he is living there rent free he should be handling the yard, keeping his room and bathroom clean, and pitching in on groceries and household supplies like detergent. He should be doing his own laundry and things. Maybe have him cook some or all of the meals. Especially if you work and he does not, he should be doing things at home to make it easier on you. Since most men hate housework, it may encourage him to get out and work.

Then from there set reasonable goals for him. In 6 months you expect him to be able to pay X dollars in rent and utilities. One thing that might be very nice on your part is to work out either in advance or without him knowing that the money (or a portion) he pays in rent goes into an account to help him pay deposits on his own place. The next step would be that in a 6 months to a year he be ready to have a place of his own. Set a date that you think is fair. Only you know his qualifications that would get him a job. If he has a degree and has just been slacking off lately, he may be able to get a good job with a livable salary faster. If he doesn't have many marketable skills then you may need to stretch the deadline but give him ideas for schooling or experience building jobs that may eventually make him a good wage. (Try printing, a machine shop or route sales, here in Houston Halliburton is a great choice and they will start you from the bottom) The idea is to increase his goals in increments if it looks like he will be there longer. Raise the rent as his salary increases (even if you just put the money into savings)

Just be honest with him about what you would like to see. Be firm. Good luck

Do you give him money for things like food(eating out), clothes, etc? If you are, is it for helping around the house, chores-doing dishes, laundry, cleaning house? He'll learn responsiblity from things like that. I am 27 yrs old, been married for 8 yrs and have 2 beautiful children! I cant imagine not being motivated!

My brother is the same way only he is 39 and still lives at home with my parents. Even after they moved form New Mexico to Virginia, he followed them. As a teenager he would get a job and if he didn't like the way he was treated or the way a customer talked to him, he would just quit. My dad wanted to do the tough love thing, but he was/is a momma's boy and he has always known that. Even as kids he was never made to do anything that would involve chores or physical activity. At the age of 39, he now says he is jealous of all I have done (little sister who is 38) and I told him I had to wrok for all I have to see if that would help motivate him, all it did was turn him even lazier than he was. What does your 24 yr old say about this and maybe he could give you some help. God Bless

My heart goes out to you. My mom came to visit at the end of February and hasn't gone home since. I had just become a single parent and she felt more useful/needed here than at home. I am curious what others recommended for your son besides kick him out. That truly is not an option. I initially set up target dates and deadlines. She has a job now, but is spending everything and is not motivated to find a place to live or get on her own. Dad will be here (from out of state by March).

I had the same thought as ERIKA...
Either you don't want to hear it OR you really don't want him to leave. Because guess what?! He is old enough to have a job and pay rent and utilities. As long as you don't MAKE him... he won't go. So either don't ask... OR make him leave.
Formulate a plan... tell him he has six months. He needs counseling and a plan... he needs to get a job even if it is at WalMart, McDonald's or wherever. He can learn a trade, like construction... OR Lockhead Martin and General Dynamics (both in this area, both with assembly-type jobs) all have training plans, tuition assistance, etc. Stick to your guns... OR be prepared for him to stay. Come to peace with whatever it is because this is about you too...

I say give him time to get a job or find another place to live,Hopefully he will get a job and help ya'll out with rent espeically for what ya'll have done for him ..Is the 24 yr old still living at home too!I mean my gosh when my kids turned 18 they got a job and moved out .I have a son that is the baby hes 19 and joined the UNITED STATES MARINES when he was 17 yrs old and now he is married to his high school sweetheart and they gave me a lil grand daughter she is 4 months old and hes already been to IRAQ and back and he is now a Corporal..You have to be proud of your kids..Tell him you love him but its time for him to move on and get a job..I now this is sad but if you have to quit giving him money unless he earns it..Well I hope this helps..
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!

I really agree with what Michelle M said. You need to make your expectations clear and be ready to enforce a consequence. If he knows you're not going to make him leave (or something else) if he doesn't contribute, then why should he?
You may want to get him checked for depression. Being 27 and having no job or motivatation certainly sounds like he suffers from depression.

he's doing it b/c he can! tell him that he needs to start paying for rent/groceries if he wants to stay there. even if you don't want the $, it'll at least get him looking for a job!

S.,

I think you weeded out any advice you might get by asking people to give you a "nice" way to handle this. The problem is that your son has no interest in caring for himself because there is no need. And because he has not been on his own, he probably doesn't believe he is capable. That's a big deal for a man. In fact, allowing him to stay is probably doing him more harm than you realize. And I don't know if he looks ahead to marriage or not but I can say for sure that he will be looking for a wife who will pay his way unless he learns to stand on his own two feet. Is that really something you want or your grandchildren? Considering that he is used to being in a nice clean and warm home, I am guessing that if he were without a place to live, he would remedy that pretty quickly.

I think you should give him a time limit. I think you should say,"Son, I need you to forgive me for not expecting you to care for yourself like a man should. I may have let you believe that you are not capable but I need you to know that I know you can and will be a responsible and wise man. I need to start collecting some rent from you. I am not willing to cover all your expenses any longer so I think (state your amount;at least 500) a month is fair. I know you don't have any money right now so I am giving you 2 weeks to find a job and your rent is due two weeks after that. That is four weeks from today. If you need some direction in where you might find a job I can help with that. I also think that you should start thinking about living on your own so you (decide a number of months, no more than six) to find your own place. I realize that you may not feel prepared for this but I have NO DOUBTS that you are rising to be the man you were created to be."

Than, MOST IMPORTANT, follow through. If he doesn't have a job in two weeks, tell him he has three days to find a place to stay and CHANGE THE LOCKS. I am certain he won't be living under a bridge. In fact, if he is not willing to figure out how to care for himself, he probably already has others in his life who will do it for him.

My other suggestion, call Dr. Laura. 1-800-drlaura. She's gonna tell you pretty much the same thing.

By the way, I do not have grown sons, but I have a son whose dad was very much like your son. I watched his mother, whom I love love dearly, let him walk all over her until she put her foot down. So he left and has never once slept a night on the street but also refuses to contact ANYONE in his family including his son. My sons grandmother hates that she let my son believe that it wasn't important to her to stand up for him. Her fear for his well being did nothing but keep him from the need to grow up. And as much as she cared for him, he never did the same for anyone since then.

Praying for you,
Kim

Give him a time to get out. I know it is hard. My children both left at 17 and each has had to make their way. It was not what I wanted for them. They could have had college paid for my by ex and husband at the time. But they chose a different road. My son is living on the street doing drugs not motivated and I am raising his daughter. He also has another son by someone I have never met. When he got a job he had to pay back support and so he does not work. He steals for a living. I would love to help him but the only way I can is to approach Dr Phil show and see if he can be helped. He lived with grandma several times, then his dads and finally got a job he lost. Then another one and got a truck and took off and no one has heard from him in two years. I fear for his life but inabling him is not helping. When we face bottom there is only one way and that is up. I thought he would be dead in a year after he moved out.He has survived 13 years. Total con man steals and lies but I still have hope that that little boy inside will some day wake up. If you allow your son to mouch off you he will never be better. Stories after stories of letting go and praying some day that one person will enter a life and change everything. I know a family that gives back over and over to people because their dad was homeless. A man (preacher) gave him a place to live and food. He told him he had to work and over the years with his kindness he then had a family and they all give and give to others because of this life that changed. Someone became a mentor. Someone other then parents because right now he does not even respect you for letting him be a bum. Good Luck and Tough Love is the way to go. He can end up like my daughter who also left home has a great job never asked me for anything and lives far but makes her own way. God Bless it is the hardest thing to do let go. After they left I found enpty nest friends and adult life where kids were not involved and had a blast going to dinner and building relationships that last forever. You will too. It is time to focus on you now. You deserve a life and they need to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Without mistakes we never grow. God Bless G. W

Maybe that is what you usually hear because it is the right answer. Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean you should disregard it.

You need to set some conditions and timelines. Use the Texas Workforce Commission's guidelines for the unemployed. He can live in your house IF he puts in at least 2 applications per week (I would really expect more than 2) or if he goes to college. Tell him he has to leave if he doesn't meet these expectations. If he has interviews, make him go.

Set the same household rules he had as a teenager. He won't like it, but if he can't support himself and depends on you for everything then you can control the privileges as well.

Arrange shelter space for him, let him know you're serious. No one wants their child on the street, but so far it doesn't sound like he has had to worry or struggle at all, and that's the biggest problem. Why get a job if he knows you will always give him food and a place to stay and put clothes on his back?

Sounds like he is depressed. I know you don't want to hear kick him out. but there has to be a way to motivate him. if you continue to allow him to live like this you are enableing him to live this way it is doing nothing but hurting him. Maybe start with some boundries and start small. Find out what he wants in his life. Get him counseling make sure he knows that if he does not comply to your requests then he needs to find another place to live. He is to old to not be out on his own and to young to have given up. Good luck and my prayers are with you.
S.

Charge him rent - if not monetary, then in terms of significant chores - yard work, car washing, gutter cleaning, laundry type things. Figure out what it would take you 40 hours a week to do and give him his list. Every hour of employment takes an hour from chores.

Quit cooking for him, quit doing his laundry, and get him a counseling appointment if he's showing other signs of depression.

To have no motivation could mean several things. Maybe he has low self esteem or is depressed. If he isn't working, he should be, but start with at least volunteering. He needs to have some goal in life to get him motivated. Staying at home doing nothing, with nothing, can lead to feeling like nothing. Start small. Or, find him a girlfriend! No boy at 27 would want to bring his girlfriend home to mom and dad's and say he has no job! But seriously, I would suggest finding him a volunteer opportunity - it's the best thing to make someone feel better about themselves! Also, maybe he just doesn't know where to start. Junior Colleges and universities offer testing to determine someone's interest and what jobs would fit them. I think there's more too it for him than just laziness.

You can't change him, you can only change yourself. Fortunately in changing yourself, you can change his incentive structure. How about a contract for the New Year? You will provide his living space if he does this, that, and the other thing. Cut off his cable TV and computer access unless he's paying for his share of it. Give him a deadline by which he needs to have a job and start paying. In the meantime, he needs to work at home in order to earn privileges. Doesn't matter if you need him to help pay rent, cable, phone, etc.; he's decided to make this his adult home and needs to contribute to it. If you write up a contract, it needs to have consequences for him not holding up his end; if it has no teeth or he thinks you're not serious, then it's just a joke. You need to think about what those consequences would be if you're never going to be willing to kick him out. Would he last long w/ no phone, no cable, no computer or internet access? What about a vehicle? I'm guessing those are some of his chief means of entertainment that you're providing to him for free. If he so much as goes somewhere by bus or bike, then he'd better be paying for the bus or buying the bike himself (unless it's a job interview, dr's appt, etc). Your home needs to become pay-per-view and work to eat instead of an all-inclusive resort!

You've been giving some good advise and everyone has pretty much already said everything to be said. So please don't take your case as different and that noone understands and your scenerio is different. Just take a good look and decide how you want to mix all this good advise together. Has your son always been like this? Did something happen that wiped him off his feet? Hunny you have to motivate him, with him not willing to help you, lets you see that he's not going to be there for someone else in the same way. We are born selfish we have to be taught not to be. We all want to protect our kids. You have to give some tough love. Your job is to teach him to survive in a tough world not protect him and make him weak. What is he to do when yall are gone and not there for him? He'd probally will be kicked out on the street before to long. I've saw people loose houses that are paid for by not paying taxes, and also by putting up 2nd mortgages. So what everyone is saying is you'll be giving a lot more love by teaching him survival skills.

Make a timeline when he has to get out of the house and stick with it.... Give him goals to meet. Leave the want ads for him. Send out his resume on your own if he has one. Introduce him to girls so that maybe he'll see that most women don't like men who are living with thier parents. Pray.
My brother lived at home for a long time too. But he had jobs, school and was trying.
You must encourage him. Also I know sometimes that they think you are okay with everything let him know you don't like his current situation. Also they think they are leaving you- reassure him that you aren't going to miss him. That you want him to be happy with his own life.
Good Luck

You don't want to hear the obvious, but the obvious is the only answer. He currently has no incentive to move or get a job.
You feed him, house him and most probably provide all the makings any kid would want.
Do him a favor...throw him out
C.

You are supposed to be his Mother not his "roomie"...tell him to get a job or he is going to have to leave. I don't think the approach you're taking is going to make anyone's life better!!! If he was trying to better himself I could maybe understand your "not wanting to kick him out" theory but he isn't and you're doing nothing but enabeling him to be a loser. I do feel for you, I know it's hard but I think you deserve to be happy too...you've raised 2 boys, now get your life and home back! Good Luck!

There was a really good Dr. Phil a couple months ago on this same topic. The son was perfectly happy to live with his parents because they made it so easy for him and didn't demand anything of him. If he's 27 and living at home, he should at least have some responsibilities to contribute to the household by at least doing chores or ideally paying rent. If I'm correctly recalling the Dr. Phil, the proposal was for the parents to enforce that the son had a certain amount of time to get a job or they would no longer provide him any support. This is the time for tough love and you have to show him you mean it. None of us wants anyone, much less our own children to live under a bridge, BUT if your son doesn't learn responsibility soon that's what will happen when you're no longer around, unless you're planning to leave him a huge trust fund. You don't mention any health or psychological issues that should be keeping him from getting a job, but what you could do is take him to one of the walk in clinics and get some basic testing done. It's possible he's anemic (either B-12 or iron, or both) and that can really impact a persons energy level and thus desire to do much of anything. You also don't mention his level of eduation - it's possible he could use some additional training to get the right kind of job. He needs to have a plan for his life beyond living in his parent's home.

Personally, I don't believe it is necessary to kick him out, but it might be some time for some tough love. Set some limits for him - say, in 2 months, if he wants to keep living with you he needs to have a full time job and be paying rent, or he's going to have to find someone else to mooch off of. I mean, if he has nothing keeping him from working - no injuries or anything like that - he should be. And he should be helping you out, whether you NEED it or not, since he is living with you.

Well, right now my husband and i and our 2 kiddos live at home with his dad. My husband does work (all the time 80 hrs a week), but at this point in time until we can get some stuff paid off this is where we got to live. But we do not take advantage of the situation we pay half the main bills (elec. water, gas) and we pay all of the other bills plus we buy the necs. for the house (grocerys, soaps, ect.) we also give him so much a month for rent. His dad is divorced so it acctually works for him too, bc i do all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry since i am a sahm. so really it helps us both. Has your son always been the "doesnt really care" type person, or did something happen? I think that you should tell him by a certain date that he has to help so much with the bills ect. maybe he could find a job in his hobby or something. Good Luck!!

Dear S.,

This is long but may give you some insight.

When I started junior college, I wanted to party all the time. For about 6 months I did not work, seldom went to school and was very irresponsible. My mom did me a big favor, she gave me a month to get a job or I was out. It killed her to do this but she knew it was for my benefit. Of course I was extremely mad but what choice did I have? I got a job because I knew she was serious, paid a little rent (my lesson in responsibility) and went to school part-time. This was 30 years ago.

We love our children and want the best for them. Do him a favor, teach him to care for himself. First a job, then pay rent to you, wash his own clothes, cook for himself, furnish his own gas, insurance, and anything else he should be doing for his personal growth. Once he learns to do this, he will probably see he can do it on his own, in his own place.

Here's a picture for you: I have a relative whose son is 35, has twin 10 year olds and they live with her. Their (twins) mom visits but has never paid child support. My relative insists her son is very ill and cannot work (this is still to be determined by drs.), yet he is able to go out with friends everynight, and somehow no one will hire him, even at fast-food places. The jobs he had 5-6 years ago were few and far between and seldom lasted more than 8 months. His mom helped them financially when he wasn't working and living with the mother of his children. She figured that as long as she paid - he was doing his part. Mom and son have a great relationship, she cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids and he acts like their big brother. She was laid off 9 months ago and is trying to get a job, but she does have physical limitations and it is not easy. Because of relatives, she has been able to stay afloat since her unemployment ran out but she still does not see that her son should contribute. Their relationship is very co-dependent and soon relatives will stop helping (no one wants to support him) and the little benefits they receive will not cover living expenses. She should push her son out of the nest but somehow she benefits too, just not sure how. If she would set boundries, he would do something as he has no where else to go, but she is too blind. Everyone ask why would she want him dependent on her. When we ask what she sees in a year from now or even 5 years from now - there is no answer as she does not see this as a problem. Her son is sweet, kind and loving, just not motivated and has low self-esteem. Unfortuantely, the relationship seems to encourage this behavior.

Thankfully your son does not have children and you don't have that weight on your shoulders or pulling on your heart. There are shelters out there if he chooses not to live by your rules. If you are serious, he may surprise you. Do yourself a favor, set boundaries. This will teach your son to respect himself as well as you.

Good luck and Happy Holidays,

T.