Older Moms Trying to Conceive

M.,

You're not alone...

It took me 10 years and 6 m/c's before I got my beautiful daughter, now 17 mos. I had to be on heparin the entire pregnancy, 2 shots a day in my stomach. She was entirely worth everything I went through and having her in my arms erased all the pain I went through.

I wanted to wait 3 years before we tried again, but I have ovaries that are aging faster than normal. My doctor told me I had to try now.

I am now 37 and trying for number 2. I have gone through 3 cycles so far where 1) my follicles didn't mature enough, 2) the follicles created cysts and stopped me from having a cycle, and 3) the follicles matured too much and are causing major pain and limiting my ability to pee. So we haven't even gotten to a point where the egg can drop for us to try to fertilize it. I'm still going through this. I am scared daily to actually want another baby for fear it won't happen. I remember 10 years and the frustration of 7 surgeries. Still, I am doing this... I AM wanting it again and I'm scared to death.

At the end of it all, if it doesn't happen, I have my gorgeous Elizabeth and she is the light of my life and is what I was put on this earth for. I am doing this mostly for her. She would be a great big sister. So, I will continue until I feel I have had enough... I'm sure I will know, but for now... I do have that want.

My heart is with you and your decision. No one can tell you when you have had enough or what you think you can go through. Be strong either way and trust yourself to make the best decision for your family. :)

~J.

2 moms found this helpful

Aren't the Mamas wonderful?! I posted something similar to yours awhile back and also received great encouragement. I'm 40 and have a three-year-old daughter and would like one more child as well.

Reality is reality & statistics are statistics and that means we have diminished ability to conceive as we age and greater chance of miscarriage if we do or birth defects if the pregnancy succeeds.

SO WHAT? More babies with birth defects are born to younger mothers than to older ones. Mind you, this is because there are many more babies born to younger moms, but whatever.

Our grandmothers had plenty of kids in their 40's - there wasn't any birth control and they had much larger families. I don't recall that generation ever telling us how scared they were of those later children being deformed, do you?

I'd love to have others to be in touch with who are in similar shoes to mine, so please feel free to write me back and perhaps we can encourage each other. All the best to you! God is in control!

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Hi M.! You've gotten lots of good advice, I just wanted to offer you more support and prayers. Yes, there is somewhat more risk in having a baby when your older, but also study after study has shown that older parents are better parents. This is not at all to say that young parents can't be good parents--many, many are excellent! But at this point in your life, you are secure in who you are, you have a secure marriage, and are likely financially stable enough to care for a child without too much worry. Most importantly, there is no question that this child is wanted, and that you will care for it with all your heart and soul. Any child cared for by you will be deeply blessed. That being said, of course, it is in God's hands. I struggle with this myself--I'm only 34, but we're trying to conceive our second, and it's happening on God's time, not mine! Pray for peace with His will, and I will add you to my prayers. Personally, I believe that if God wants you to conceive again, He will take care of it by natural means. If this doesn't happen, and you still desire a child, this may mean that you are called to adopt. There are so many children in the world who need a good, loving home; one way or another, you can have the children you want, the only question is how this will happen. Pray for discernment on this. GL!

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M. -
I'm a "single mother by choice", which means I conceived my children artificially. There are TONS of older women who have conceived and had children at an older age. I, personally, did it when I was younger (first at 32, second at 37). But, we have a group and there are TONS of women that are mostly in there 40's that have had children. GO see a fertility specialist and work with them to have a child. You are more likely to hit your cycle and "get it right" the first time if you have someone helping you. They can help you track your ovulation and even determine if the egg is the right size. For my first child, I just tracked my own ovulation and did fine. For my 2nd child, because I was older, my eggs were older and they put me on Clomid to increase the size of my eggs and then they gave me a shot to force the release of my egg. There are SO many things a fertility specialist can do to help you conceive more quickly. I saw Dr. Le in Irving and he was wonderful.

-L.

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Hey there. In my honest opinion, I say go for it. I know women who have gotten pregnant at 45 or older. Yeah there may be more risks but you can also be more cautious about what you do, eat, etc. But regardless of age, there are going to be complications or concerns with any pregnancy. And who knows, if you become pregnant another time, it could be your best pregnancy. Just have faith in god. If it's meant to be for you to have another one, you will. And he'll let you know when it's the right time. I'll be praying for you. My best advice, don't just sit around and wait.. most of the time, good things come to those unexpected. So in the meantime, keep enjoying those precious moments with your son. :)

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Your story sounds very similar to mine. Google TTC over 40 and get on the ivillage site ttc over 40 site. It is very good! You are not alone. A lot of the women on the site take DHEA. Ask your doctor about it. I hope you have a supportive OBGYN. They can be very harsh to AMA women. I know it is difficult!!! Check out the site and just know you are not alone! Nature can be cruel.

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My sister is 43 and having the same battle in her head/heart. My mom tells her she's too old to have a child, blah blah blah. My mom had us at 18 and 23 and she almost died having my sister at 18! I had preterm labor and gave birth to both of my kids in the 34th week. I was 30 with the first and 36 with the second. It had nothing to do with my "advanced maternal age" as it said in my file. Anybody can have complications at any age as well as having a healthy pregnancy and baby at any age. No one can make this decision for you. Whatever you decide is the right thing to do. No one wanted me to have a 2nd after going through having a preemie in NICU and all the things that followed those first few years. But I wasn't finished. People have the best intentions when giving you advice but unless you have longed for another baby I don't think you can understand what it's like. If it doesn't work out and you are not able to have another child, you will find a way to fulfill that longing. Good luck!

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M.,

I think God puts desires in our hearts and we should hold on to them and not let anyone take them from us. No one knows you or your heart more than God and yourself. If this is a longing that you have I say stick with it. So many people get caught up with age and what is "right" and not. I know several moms who are over 40 and have newborns. The power of our words is very strong. Don't let people speak over you that you are too old. Start speaking now that you will get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, an amazing delivery and a very healthy baby.

may you be blessed
M.

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I work with great Nutritional Food Supplement products that has helped women get prgnant and go full term with a birth of beautifu babies. You may want to consider giving your body a balanced nutrition so you pregnancy and child birth goes smooth. Our body is such a miracle, given the balanced nutrient, it can repair and regenrate itself, so I don't see whay you could not have a healty baby.

Let me know if you are interested to know more about the supplements. I do work with a Nauturopathic Doctor who you can consult with if you wish.

Best Wishes,

A.

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I'm 42 and planning on one more but I was bithering & going round and round - My mother was able to solve this question for me. She asked me if in 10 years I would be sad if I hadn't tried or had another child and my body gave an overwelming response from deep within that I would be very SAD & be missing something... and was it for me.. so I am spending a few months to get myself healthy & detoxed... and also giving my husband lots of 'healthy food & fruit' for the next months.. I hope the question helps you.

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By all means have another baby-God is in charge and if you get pg it is because he did it-not you. So ask him for a baby and then do all you can to make it happen. You are not too old, even for adoption.
V.

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I didn't have problems conceiving, but I just wanted to encourage you that there is nothing wrong in wanting a baby. I had two children in my 20's, four in my 30's, and one in my 40's when I was 42. Now, my husband and I are in our 50's, and we are on our third foster care adoption, for a total of 10 children.
I refused any genetic testing with the baby I had in my 40's. I figured if God made me able to conceive, he would carry out his plan for me. My advice is to throw away the birth control, and let it happen if it's supposed too. You might visit your health food store for some herbs to boost your fertility. If a pregnancy doesn't happen, there sure are a lot of children in the foster care system that need homes...

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Ask God if it is His will for you to bear another child. If it is, make it happen. If it is not, ask for peace and direction. You may be obsessing about it to the point that it is stealing away the precious time you have with your son. I was in your situation for about 2 years and finally got clarity on it from God. When I finally set my will aside and asked for His will, the issue seemed to vanish, and no, I have not had any more and my firstborn is 9. Ask Him, He is faithful. Remember to be grateful for the son you have, many would give anything for him. You may also consider fostering. Many young mothers leave their babies at the hospital and your child may be waiting for you there.

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M.,

I feel your pain. I have a wonderful miracle boy myself. He was conceived after I had been through 6 miscarriages and had given up all hope of having a child of my own. I was 42 when he was born. He was 5 weeks early by c-section. I had to take Lovenox injections in my stomach every day and also ended up with Gestational Diabetes (more shots in my upper abdomen daily) and on bed rest at the end. I was monitored closely and also refused the genetic testing. I believe that this pregnancy was my gift from God and whatever he let me deliver would be the most loved child.

I too am struggling. I have recently taken a plan-a-head test to determine the viability and quantity of my eggs so that I could decide how to proceed trying to have another bundle of joy. The results were devastating. My doctor told me that was to be expected and that my options were limited, but that I could still get pregnant on my own. She also warned of all the risks involved being an older pregnant woman and a mom to a toddler that would end up on bed rest again.

My husband is against doing anything extra to try to conceive. He thinks if it is meant to happen it will happen again. If not, then we would be tempting fate and probably end up with a child with severe problems or I could die. He says that isn't fair to our son now.

There are people who will support you if you decide to continue trying. There are others, like one who already responded, that will say things that will hurt and others who will look at you in the doctor's office as being too old to be trying. Those are the type of people who don't know what it means to have to go through so much just to have a child. They are the lucky few that are blessed to be able to get pregnant even if they don't want to.

I remember the looks when I was pregnant this last time. But, look past those people and remember the other moms like you that are fighting the same issues that are not giving up because society says we are supposed to be grandmothers not mothers at our ages. I still get strange looks when they find out he is my son and not my grandson. It seems they think it is more appropriate for the grandparents that are raising their grandchildren to have a child that age, than a mother to be raising a small child at our age.

Look at Hollywood. There are a lot of actresses that have children in their 40's. Plus, Sarah Palin has a son and she is in her mid-40's. Of course, he does have downs syndrome, but the odds are there for everyone. You just have to be willing to either take the chance or do the testing and decide from there.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Also, I would like to know if you are lucky enough to get pregnant. I will add you to my prayer list. No one can make this decision but you because it is your health, your body, your mind and your life that is ultimately affected.

P.

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M.,

There are two kinds of age - biological and chronological. You already know your chronological age. Perhaps you might like some help in accurately assessing your biological age with regard to conception? Some women are like 45 at the age of 35. Others are like 35 at the age of 45. Usually depends on diet and nutrition, exercise, emotional health, stress management, toxic build-up in the body, genetic influences, etc.

Dr. Margaret Christensen is a great local doctor who can help you with a preconception evaluation. www.christensencenter.com. She will not dismiss your dreams out of hand or speak in a way that disheartens you. You might give her a try. Ask to be put on the waiting list if you have trouble getting an appointment.

In short, her approach is more holistic.

Good luck!

can it happen? sure. but should it happen? i'd listen to your practical side and be thankful for what you have!

Listen to yourself. Read your request. What you want is spelled out right there. I have three, one very young and I still want more. Everyone I know says why; don't you have enough. What is wrong with them I wonder? Can a mother not enjoy her role and children so much as to desire more? Being a mom is so rewarding. You have every right to try and concive. My opinion is god gave us the gift of motherhood. You will not have what he doesn't want you to. So, use all the resourses you have to bring another child into your life if that is what you desire. As far as the question about being too old...your ovulating aren't you? Not that it matters but it is reassuring. Pray about it;then enjoy trying.

Like the others, I would say you need to listen to your heart.

I 'missed the memo' on when we were supposed to get married and have kids. After lots of travels and adventures in my 20s and 30s, I married at 43 and was able to get pregnant and have a healthy son at 44.

While I would have loved another child - and for our son to have a sibling his age - we decided against a second. We felt so blessed to have been able to conceive, to have an easy pregancy and healthy son. I did not want to get so wrapped up all that would be involved in trying to have a second that I did not appreciate the wonderful gift we have been given - especially adding to that the increased risk for complication as we age.

Can you do it - yes - just make sure it is what you really want.

good luck.

Don't give up M.. I had my kids at 35 @ 37 (I know, not the same), but I did have some trouble ttc, so it was a joy for us. I do know two women that conceived at around 44. Both had tried for years and gave up and out of nowhere had the surprise of their lives!! (Come to think of it, both had little boys!)

In the meantime, enjoy your little boy. He will get big before you know it. Good luck to you, I'll keep you in my prayers.

i say go for it!! i'm 41 and i have a four year-old and a 7 mos old. my life is now complete. it took me two years to get pregnant with my first but only one month to conceive my second!
yes, i went through all of the questions and torment but i am so happy we decided to have another one. i can't imagine only having one son.

If the risk of being pregnant is to YOU (your health/life), I wouldn't risk it. Your little son needs a mom way more than he needs a sibling. If, however, you are only concerned about the risk of birth defects (which does increase w/ age), you just need to decide if you are OK with that risk, OK with whatever result you get, and OK with the choice you would make with that result. I would talk to your OB and/or a perinatologist (high-risk PG doc) if you want to get a better grasp of all the risks and the choices you have. You can do a CVS (genetic testing) at 10-12 weeks, and for some, that gives great comfort. I know a few women who (in their 40's) had results w/ birth defects and chose to keep and some who had results w/ birth defects and chose to terminate. I also, however, know a lot more women (including myself) who had perfectly healthy babies in their 40's! It's all about understanding the risk, knowing your heart, and knowing what is right for YOU.

Lots of people have said that you should do what is right for you and what you want. But, keep in mind that having another child isn't just about you. It's about your spouse, your current son, and your entire support system. What about this yet-to-be-conceived child? Are you willing to put him or her at greater risk for birth defects? Do you have a support system in place that can withhold the financial, physical, and emotional roller-coaster of a child with special needs? An acquaintance of mine has a known genetic predisposition for a specific birth defect (her first child has the defect and deals with this on a daily basis). Although the chances of her next child having the defect are 50/50, even that risk was too much for them. They recently adopted a child and couldn't be happier. There are thousands of children in the US and throughout the world that need a family - maybe this is your chance to give a child the family it wouldn't have had otherwise. Children don't have to be related by blood to be siblings, and mothers don't have to give birth to love and care for a child.

I am a 39 yr old mother of one 4 year old, concieved through insemination. My son was born with a birth defect that was corrected with surgery. I too got pregnant again, without assistance but miscarried. My doctor sent the tissue of the fetus to a lab which told them information about chromosomes and why the baby did not survive. I won't bore you with all that however, my doctor sent me to another doctor that specializes in genetics. Based on what they found in the fetal tissue and including my history, they gave me info about my chances of carrying a baby to full term and the chance the baby would be born with a birth defect. I was told in a range of percentages the likelihood that I would carry a baby to term again and the likelihood the baby would be born healthy. For me, my history spoke loud enough. Even though my 4 year old is healthy now, I did not ever want to go through again what I went through the day my now 4 year old was born. This has to be your decision, well thought out.

Unless you have medical problems that you didn't go into, I don't understand why conceiving at 43 would be so difficult. If you and your husband want another child, then go for it. You are certainly not too old. Good luck to you and your family!!