Older Child Present for Labor/delivery...

I am just curious what the benefits you are thinking of having her there. I don't mean that in a belittling way.

My daughter is very nurturing and has been like a second mom to her younger sibs. Still I can't see putting her in that position. There is a huge difference between bringing you tylenol and helping you through a contraction. If you don't plan on her helping you I can't imagine my daughter sitting in the room with me feeling very helpless.

I guess that is what would stop me. It is too much to ask a child to support you in labor and too much to ask that they don't but just sit there.

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I just don't understand having a child in there. It's an adult experience. You are in pain. Who knows how you will react to it. Will your daughter be OK with you in extreme pain, at times possible distress, maybe yelling, maybe needing to be alone, etc? The point is ADULTS go into labor (well, only adults should, but you get what I'm saying) ADULTS are prepared for the pain, ADULTS know how messy and chaotic it can be, ADULTS can handle an emergency. (I hope you don't have one.) Not children. My husband's aunt has 5 children. The first 4 were homebirths, easy births. She thought it would be great to have her 7 year old with her for the delivery. Things got complicated and they literally had to shove the baby (I'm sure they call that something else medically) back into the canal and rush to the hospital. Does she regret her daughter being there for that, oh yes. Her daughter does, too. Now, I know the likelihood of that happening is small...thank goodness. You have to consider, what are you REALLY OK with your daughter seeing? Nursing and nurturing while you are pregnant, is WAY different then the painful, unpredictable, messy experiences of birth.

With all that said, I don't find it wrong. I just don't understand why people choose to do that.

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Here is the thing - you can not take it back - she will never be able to "unsee" that if it is not pleasant. If you want her to witness the miracle of birth start with some puppies or kittens, see if a breeder will allow you to be present, some will, some wont - but I do not think it is appropriate for her age (mature or not) and I think it can easily be one of those things she wishes she could undo afterwards. Plus you are not going to be yourself in labor and do you really want her to see you like that? I just see this being a life changeing moment for all the wrong reasons.

after SWH - it sounds to me like you have your mind made up already and are just looking for a pat on the back with your decision, again my perception. If you were one of my close girlfriends that I can be blunt with (warning blunt moment coming) I would tell you that you are not doing your daughter any favors by inviting her in the room with you and that seeing something on TV and in real life are two totally different things. There is something that my mother does in her profession that I can not be around to see her do but I can be there when her collegues do it just fine.

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Even as mature as you feel she is, I cannot see the benefit of having an 8 1/2 yr old girl witness mom giving birth.

You can't control how she will feel, if she will become fearful because you are in pain, how would she handle that and worst case, watching you actually give birth. You don't know that it would not scar her for life or somply be mortified at the sight of such.

Her own body will soon be changing and she will have enough to deal with as far as hormones, etc without having to recall visually the process of birth and seeing her mom in pain. Although it could possibly be a great way to instill birth control and abstinence, LOL

It is a very adult experience and as nurturing as she is, this is not a little deal like bringing tea or ice chips to mom.

I am in the camp where it was a private bonding experience for my husband and myself. I do not get why some women would have the entire town in the room to experience birth with them. It is not something I care to sit back and watch.

My suggestion if you want her to know more about birth is to let her watch TLC and National Geographic.

I do think it is great that you have a good relationship with her and have open communication. My daughter and I have a very open communication line, discuss everything, and I've answered her questions from day one very openly and honestly. You will need those lines of communication and good relationship as the next few years progress and your daughter goes through the tween, teen years.

How does your husband feel about this? I would think, awkward...

Bottom line...... it is your family, your choice. Best wishes to you.

ETA: Just as I posted I saw your SWH so I guess I really don't understand why you asked for opinions, thoughts, etc since you've already made your decision. TV and videos are 1 thing... actual blood and gut is different.

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All of my older children have been their when their younger siblings were born. I woudn't have it any other way! They are what got me through my labor!
We did make arrangements so that I or my husband would not be responsible for them as we had jobs already. My mom was there to take care of my other children. They could come and go from the room I was in. She took them for walks to the local 7-11 or around the block if needed. We planned ahead so that she had color books and such for them.
My labors and deliveries weren't very long which helped.
My oldest was almost 3 when his brother was born. It was an insanely hard and fast labor and delivery, he was almost born in the car! Having my son there helped me focus when I couldn't breathe because the contractions were one on top of the other, each one with multiple peaks. He came in and gave me a pillow and a kiss. That was what I needed, my son was born a few pushes later. He only missed seeing his brother born by a few moments because he felt like wandering out at just that moment. With my third my boys were 8 & 5. They drew me little signs and pictures. They came in to tell me jokes. The midwife was amazing and was teaching them all sorts of stuff while things were progressing. After she was born they got to learn about the placenta and the umbilical cord and all sorts of stuff.
We rented some Natural Geographic DVDs about babies, birth, etc that we watched together. We involved them in every pre-natal apt. We read a couple week by week pregnancy books together.
I love that they were there and included. None of them felt left out from the new baby coming. If we have any more children we will have everyone there to great the newest edition!

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coming into this late....after your SWH:

my vote is "no". Regardless of her maturity, regardless of her interest: I have had 2 deliveries go very wrong & it was not something I would want any child to witness. It was scary & panicky enough for the adults.

Perfect delivery...my vote is still "no". Not until teen years. :)

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Okay honestly, I do not understand some people who have like EVERYONE there, (I've known people who had friends from church/neighbors/neighbors kids/obscure relatives...) in the room, usually home births.

But in your situation, IF you and she would feel comfortable, I would do it, so long as she isn't your sole support. IF there is an emergency, she will find out one way or the other and she can be escorted out of the room. I wouldn't tell her though until right before, so then you wouldn't break her little heart if you change your mind.

You can have her by your side holding your hand instead of staring at your vagina the whole time, then she can look once the baby is midway out.

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I would let her be around for the early stages of labor; like when you are
still smiling. As things gets worse, have someone take her for lunch, etc.
When that baby is just about the make its debut, have her come back in
and stand at your head. She can watch Baby Story on TLC but it is all
together different when it is your Mom.

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My niece was there for the births of her two younger siblings when she was 8 and 11. She's now 24, newly married and has the healthiest attitude about her body, pregnancy and babies of anyone I know. I remember when she was 8, she climbed up on the hospital bed with mer mom and baby sister and whispered in awe to her mom "Momma, you did that to get me!"

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My sister had your same situation 18 months ago, daughter 8.5 and very mature and willing. I think she labored with her there for a long time, then had our mother there to remove the daughter when it was time to push. I think to my sister the risk of it being upsetting for her daughter to see her mother in pain was more than she wanted to take. But being there and very close and a part of it for the majority of the time was very special. I think your best bet would be to have someone there who could be on stand by to take her out if either of you think it's time, and before hand talk a lot about what it could be like and prepare her as much as you can. Congratulations!

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It's not something I would do, but I don't see anything wrong with it. My kids would be mortified, traumatized, scarred for life! But that's the kind of kids I have. If there were one that was really serious about wanting to be a dr or something, I would give it serious consideration, with the condition they stay at the head of the bed, not the foot!

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I disagree with the idea that it is an "adult" experience, to us it is a family experience. When my fourth was born my oldest son was 8 1/2 and my daughter was 6. My other births were no intervention water births that lasted 4 hours (2 at the hospital). I knew my demeanor in labor (quiet and calm) and that the whole environment would not be scary or intimidating to my kids (in-hospital alternative birthing room that was spacious and relaxing, very non-medical feeling, and a supportive and friendly midwife). My husband was there for me and we had someone there for he kids if they wanted/needed to leave the room for any reason (a hospital requirement actually). I discussed ahead of time what to expect and they both were excited and comfortable with the idea. Even though their brother was born at 3am they were both there and LOVED the experience. NO regrets from anyone.
I do definitely recommend having someone there just for your daughter. Don't give her any "jobs" to be responsible for. Plenty of other activities to keep her busy if there are any "slow" times or she has to leave the room. Let her know needing to leave may be a possibility. Be sure she has had a lot of prep for the event. My son is now almost 10 and i just asked him if he would recommend that a girl attend the birth of her sibling and he said, "Of course, birth is awesome. I don't know why anyone would not see their sibling be born." Of course he does not understand the possibilities of complications and such, but if she has a caring person to watch over her in the event she needs to leave and can comfort and reassure her (if she is worried) then I say go for it. It can be a powerful and wonderfully positive experience for all of you. Best of luck to you.

ETA: I think many women have many different kinds of experiences and images associated with childbirth. As an OB nurse myself, I can tell you that I have been a part of many deliveries that would have been very inappropriate/scary for any child. But I knew my typical delivery would be very calm and accommodating to the presence of children (of course we all know there are no guarantees, that is what the "guardian" is for). I also like knowing they have had such a positive first encounter with childbirth, and that it can be a beautiful and blissful experience and is not something to be fearful of and not always like you see in the movies. It sounds like you have considered what your personal birthing environment is like and it seems reasonably appropriate for a child like your daughter. And having your child there is not the same as having "the whole neighborhood in the room" it is a very intimate family-bonding occasion worth celebrating.

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Everyone has different thoughts on this but this is what I would do/have done...

I asked my son (yeah a 15yr old boy is different from an 8 yr old girl but the idea is the same) if he would want to be in the room when I delivered. I really had NO intention of letting him but if he REALLY wanted to, he could have been in the room, by my head. He said no. I went in labor in the middle of the day (lunchtime) and knew it would be a while. I sent someone to pick him from wrestling practice. He came in to see me a couple of times. I was having a tough time with pain (even w/ the epidural) and he didn't like that. He wanted to be there but not IN there. He waited in the waiting room w/ the grandparents when the active labor started and then was our 1st visitor (alone with me, hubby, and the baby girl).

So I would ask her if she wants to be at the hospital when you have the baby. If she says yes, make plans for someone besides your hubby to be in charge of her. She can be in the room as long and you and she are both comfortable (provided everything is going smoothly) and when active labor starts, she should go out and come back in as your first visitor.

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I think that it is a beautiful moment for her to experience and a bonding for her and her new baby sibling. As long as somebody is there to look after her as well, I think it's an excellent idea! There is always the chance of an "emergency" but that's okay. Plan for the best outcome and your birth will be fabulous. Congratulations by the way :)

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Honestly, if I were to have a baby now (and my daughters are about to be 5 and 8), and if I were able to deliver vaginally (I have to have c-sections), I would have my daughters in the room. I don't see any reason not to. It's a family bonding experience, IMO. I say go ahead and do it!!

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My neice and nephew came to my son's birth.

They LOVED it.

Nothing went badly. Someone was there to watch them 100% of the time. I think this is pretty key. My attention was in no way split, and they could come and go (and if they'd been uncomfortable, they could have been taken out to go do something else until after his birth). They were actually there for several hours, but they'd only pop in the room occasionally until it came time to push.

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If she's a nurturer and nurse by nature, I wonder whether seeing you in physical discomfort and not being able to "help" would be distressing for her. Not to mention the protracted nature of most labor. Time runs more slowly for children than for adults, so boredom or weariness is a real possibility.

I'd also not want to be distracted by the emotional or physical welfare of my child while engaged in an activity as intense as childbirth.

Other than those potential problems, it might be an amazing experience for a little girl. But I can't help but think that I was terrified of even getting a shot when I was 8. If I had watched actual childbirth, which I now find fascinating, I might never have chosen to have a child of my own.

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You have really thought about this alot. You know your daughter best. Ask HER what she would like. I personally feel that we spend way too many years "shielding" our kids from things that are a normal and healthy part of life. My 9 year old son was present for his 3 siblings births and he values those experiences and the excitement and bonding that was able to take place with the new sibling by being a part of it! I find it a little degrading to discuss birth as "blood and gunk"... well, it's a fact of life, explain the amniotic fluid, the vernix, the placenta, etc what their functions are, how amazing that they all work together to make and keep a healthy baby. Explain that mom's body has to work really hard, that it is intense, you might make noise, you may need to move, whatever. My son was almost 9 with my last birth, reached out to help catch, has cut a cord... I was standing to give birth two different times and when he was 6 he was on the floor watching the whole thing, not in a gross way, but just "wow, there is my sister". Having someone else there to help your daughter is smart. Have them be prepared to explain things to her, notice her emotions, etc bc birth is intense (my mom was great at this when I was intransition and making a little noise and my son (at age 3) was concerned for me, she let him know that this was normal, it was ok and i was working hard and it wouldn't be long). I think it was a great thing for my 6 year old daughter to see my birth her little brother and know that she could do it too....it offers a great sense of confidence for these kids! I am so happy that we were all together as a family to welcome each new addition, it was incredible.(the best was just the excitement afterwards...waaaay better than Christmas! best of luck!

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My daughter (8) was not actually in the room for the delivery... but she was there and we brought her in immediately after-- she was the first family to hold the baby. Several years later she was her older sister's labor coach and sister says she would not have a baby without her!

I say let her make the (informed) choice.

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i say go for it.....what a neat experience for her. she is going to be asking questions soon about the "birds and bees"...why not let her see the miracle of birth.

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My daughter is super scientific and nurturing and observed veterinary surgery and procedures at the clinic I worked at when she was five. She has been great about changing spinal surgery bandages at home for me but when it came to me actually being in the hospital getting blood transfusions for a very serious situation, that was too much to see me in pain and danger and she was 11 by then. It wasn't dramatic, I was hooked up to blood.

I'm of the belief that this isn't for the entire family but that's just me. I would think she could still continue to have the happy memories of her siblings after they are born. I'm all for being open with my daughter but this seems like something for you and your husband.

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You've given this a lot of thought, and seem prepared for anything, so why not? If you haven't already done so, contact your hospital to make sure they would allow this. I have had three babies at three different hospitals. None of them would allow my children to be present in the labor/delivery room. They were only allowed in the post-partum rooms.

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Good Question. This is very fresh in mind as I birthed my 5 month old in August and have an 8 year old daughter as well. I had originally planned on having my daughter in the room...I imagined her holding my hand as I gently pushed her little sister (via water birth) into her new world.

When my due date came and went, my anxiety began to creep up. I then decided to let my daughter be at her Gramma's house and she would be brought directly after the birth.

My labor was very long and I did have a complication: my baby was presenting in military or brow position so I had much pain and cursing and it was not pretty. It was very painful for me to get in and out of the birthing pool...so there went that plan. Infact the only comfortable position for me was on my hands and knees on the bed...not the most elegant! And there was ALOT of blood.

The bottom line for me was that I needed to be able to express myself freely (thus the cursing, etc.) and had my daughter been there, I might have tried to hold back (to shield her from me...) and right there that's not a good thing during labor. I would have also been thinking of my older daughter's well being the whole time...and likely my support team would have given her some attention too....and I really needed their attention on ME! I am so glad my mom talked me into my plan B....

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If you're really close, and she is kind of a natural "nurse", then I wouldn't see a problem with a mature 8 year old standing at my shoulder as a "coach". I could see how that would be really neat. Perhaps she could be the designated photographer once the baby is born?
My first pregnancy I didn't have an epidural (or anything), and I wasn't in a friendly mood, lol. It was just my husband and I; my parents were in the waiting room. I tried to smile, told them I'll see them when the baby is born, but simply didn't want to chat. (That said, his head was crowning when my mom came in to say she was here, but we didn't know it). My husband and I worked beautifully as a team, but I didn't have patience for anyone else until the baby was born, and I knew he was safe. With my 2nd pregnancy, I had an low-dose epidural and was SO MUCH HAPPIER. I could focus and follow instructions without freaking out from the pain, and the world was good. Mom stayed in and hung out with us until right when it was time for the baby to be born, and then she slipped out (as was the plan---I think it's weird to have lots of people). But an older child---immediate family---I could see how for the right personality, that would be a beautiful bonding experience. Cool. If she's amped about it. Perhaps she should watch a video that the hospital would have before your baby is due though? (We took a birthing class at the hospital and they had us watch a video). Funny how something that made me wretch and get the shivers (in highschool health class) was SO beautiful, fascinating, and brought a little tear to my eye when I was pregnant. MY how we change. :P
I will say that I wouldn't have MY boys in there, regardless of age, because they don't seem to be "that kind" of kid. Victor would either get bored or start messing with something. Joseph would be terrified. (At least, that's their personalities at present, lol).

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Have her watch some of the birth shows on discovery channel and see if she can stomach it. I know for my 8 yo, she has demanded that I turn them off in her presence because she thinks the blood is "gross and scary" and the women screaming is unsettling. When I had her little sister 4 months ago she told me that there would be no way that she would be present for the birth and she would be happy to visit much later that day. Personally, birth is a messy and somewhat scary experience for someone that isn't used to it, so I would not want my children there. If you do it, make sure she is well prepared for everything that will and could happen.

And just food for thought- my first 2 labors were easy peasy. Pushed only twice for my son and he flew out, no problems, no pain. I invited my SIL for the last one, figuring I would look like such a champ. Well, with the Pitocin on board, every thing was going fine until he broke my water and labor progressed quickly. I have never been in so much pain in my life. My husband said I looked a ghastly shade of white and he was terrified. So don't think because the first two went smoothly that this one will follow the same course.

My kids were in the house when I gave birth the last time. They weren't in the room, as they were sleeping, but they were here. (Plus it wasn't their sibling, so they weren't overly interested.)

What they did come in for and were highly interested in was when my midwife was looking over my placenta to ensure it was intact. My oldest daughter even put on gloves and handled it. She was so excited when she was able to find the bag of waters that broke and where the baby lived.

The reason I tell you this is because you know what your kids can handle. If you think she can handle it, then let her in while you're laboring and delivering. I think you've thought it out and as long as you have someone with her that can take her out "for snacks" if you want her out, or if she seems to be getting nervous or queasy, then it should be fine.

BTW, congrats!

My daughter is about to be 9 and I'm 3 weeks away from delivering . I'm considering the same thing. She is also very mature and has always been given that compliment as well. She has said she wants to be there , but I would keep her near my side and not really want her there right in the face of all the blood and gunk. I worry I might be too distracted and want to care for her and it may distract me from my job at hand. That's only because I know myself and I'm always concerned with people feeling comfortable around me, even if I am in labor. I think that when the time comes I'll decide then.

Updated

My daughter is 9 and her big sister (27) is expecting a baby in July. If she wasn't living in CA I would absolutely let my younger daughter be present for the birth. Of course, I would be there too, to make sure her questions were answered and to remove her if an emergency arose. My daughter sounds a lot like yours, she is showing signs of being a doctor when she grows up. She's not only nurturing, she's the one who removes slivers, cuts off skin tags, cut off her own damaged toenail, plucks unwanted hairs, you name it, if it takes a steady hand and a tweezers or scissors, she's right there (lol)!

Since her sister has been pregnant, she has surfed Netflix for documentaries on babies and watched them. My older daughter, 17 at the time, was with me through the whole labor and delivery of her sister. She thought it was an amazing, and useful, experience.

My son was 9 when I had my youngest. He was in the LD room with my, my hubby, my grandma and my friend. I ended up having a c-section, but he was there up until then. he wanted to be there and if he could have binn in the surgery room he would have been.

I have been present for almost all of my grandchildren's birth. I stood by her head and only looked as the baby was coming out. I think this would be okay for her to do too if she is really interested.

I do think that perhaps putting together, in her head, that sex causes babies and such is a good thing to go over with her.

My daughter was there when a neighbor girl just a bit older than her came home from having a baby. She could barely walk...you know what I mean. So my daughter decided to not have sex until she was ready to get pregnant and have that baby come out of there...lol.

You know your DD best. If you think she can handle it, ask her. I think it could be a wonderful, beautiful, amazing life experience. You have thought about it thoroughly, it appears. Childbirth does not have to be gross or scary. It is a miraculous thing! What a great way to show your daughter that!