14 answers

J.U. asks from Indian Head, MD on June 08, 2011

Old Friends... - Indian Head,MD

This is just as much for venting as is for advice...I have a friend who I have known since I was 10 or 11 years old. She has always been a little on the shy/ not so talkative side. Since we have gotten married and had children she has been extremely defensive about general conversation type things and seems to have this mile high wall up. I have spoken to her about these things and we got into a pretty heated conversation and she expressed to me that she did value our friendship and I was her only friend. I should mention she had a falling out with another friend who is very close to me and was to her as well. She told her that her morals and values didn't match hers via e-mail and then tried to apologize several months later. The other friend didn't forgive her as she felt the same way I do. I felt bad for even saying anything because we are adults and this seems a little petty but, I was tired of feeling like I had to think about everything I said and walk on eggshells fearing I would offend her in some way. We have been friends for 21-22yrs, shouldn't a person know you well enough to know you would never hurt them with your words and know where they are coming from? I have backed off in a big way but just recently found out that she was pregnant again. She had been suffering from major morning sickness and I sent her an e-mail a few days ago letting her know I was thinking of her and asked if she was feeling better along with some general questions about sono etc. Trying to let her know in my way that I care. She didn't send me a response so I went ahead and called her. From the start she was on the defense. I asked her if she was ok and her tone was more like why are you asking. I asked her if hubby was excited to see the sono and she says of corse, as if she thought it was a stupid question. Pretty much the entire conversation was that tone and really all I was trying to do was see how things were and keep conversation going. She mention how busy she was atleast 3-4 times in a 15 minute conversation and at the end I told her why don't you call me since you have so much going on. I am just put off and don't get the mixed messages. When you get married and have kids everyone gets busy! You can still make time and talk from time to time every few months or so, right? I feel like I am just going to move on and if she calls just let it be. This isn't pregnancy hormones this is just her. How would you handle this long term friendship?

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So What Happened?™

Thank you all so very much for your advice. As much as I would like to be there for her this has been going on for years and I think I am just done feeling like I am offending when engaging her in a conversation. I don't think I could ever give up on her completely but she will never be a close friend again because she won't allow it. If she values our friendship like she says she does then she will try a little. I do not appreciate the uncomfortable feeling I get when I talk with her or spend time with her. The bad outweighs the good so I just need to step away and if she needs me she knows where I am. Again, thank you all so much!!!

More Answers

P.W. answers from San Francisco on June 08, 2011

Just don't put too much emotion into the friendship, and take what is good from it. Some people are just difficult, and you can't change them. You have to decide if the positive things you get from the relationship are worth it.

If you talk to her, and she's crabby or defensive, just tell her you will talk another day. Go spend time with your other friends, and if she calls and happens to be in a fun mood, spend time with her then.

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A.J. answers from Williamsport on June 08, 2011

Well, no matter what her reasoning and personality is, she's sure no fun and not very nice to you. You're right to move on.

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A.C. answers from Columbus on June 08, 2011

I think you should just send her an email saying that you are sorry you bothered her but that you called out of genuine affection and interest in her. Then tell her that since the past several years, you have only gotten a defense or angry/upset response from her when you have tried to reach out, you will distance yourself from her and stop bothering her.

However, be sure to leave it with the thought that, "But if you need me or want to try to reconnect, please let me know. You are a dear friend and I care for you and want you to be happy."

And then just let it go. If she has not been able to overcome whatever it is that is causing this defensive/angry behavior, there is really nothing you can do. Continuing to try to be friendly and getting verbally slapped in the face is just not worth it, imo.

From what you're written, it really sounds like she could use professional counseling. If you have the guts, and tact, you could suggest that, but otherwise, I'd just send the email and let it go.

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S.F. answers from Utica on June 08, 2011

Sorry I dont have any advice for you but good for you for being able to put up with that crappy attitude for 20+ years, I know I wouldnt be able to handle that
Good Luck

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L.D. answers from Las Vegas on June 08, 2011

It sounds like you two have grown in separate directions. Although you and your friend have shared an extensive history, it sounds like she is just an extremely different person than you and not a very friendly one at that. There's a saying: "Friends are for a season, a reason or a lifetime." Perhaps this friend of your's was just a seasonal friend.

Sorry that you are having to go through this. I know how hard it is to let go of old dear friends. Not easy at all.

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M.K. answers from Washington DC on June 09, 2011

You got some great advice. May I add to it, that instead of calling, or electronic means of communication, which she doesn't seem interested in, why not, on ocassion, sent her a card through the good old USPS. You could quickly jot down what you're up to or simply that you're thinking of her. In this way she will always know that you are there, still interested in being her friend. It leaves the ball totally in her court and you don't have to feel like you're offending her or taking up her busy time. If there are issues that are going on with her that she can't share with friends, and I can think of plenty, she may someday need and appreciate having someone to turn to. You sound like such a nice, caring person and I know that I wouldn't want to lose a friend like you.

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C.M. answers from Washington DC on June 09, 2011

I have a couple of friends I've known since childhood. One I rarely speak to and just send rare notes via FB to keep up because we've grown apart. The other I chat with on the phone or FB every other month or so. She and I have our differences, but 95% of the time get along fine. You have to decide whether she and the friendship are worth the hassle. Your other friend decided that it isn't. It's unfortunate that she's so antisocial and has no other friends, but at least she has her family. For some people, that's all they need. It's possible that she's always suffered from varying degrees of depression, causing her to be defensive and on edge. You probably can't ask her about her mental state without getting backlash, but just keep it in mind when she acts this way.

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F.H. answers from Phoenix on June 08, 2011

I would just let it go and not contact her anymore. it seems like its more stress than its worth.

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K.L. answers from Cleveland on June 08, 2011

Honestly, I think I would back off. You aren't over the top thrilled with her friendship, and she is clearly trying to blow you off. Let it go. It sucks that you have been friends forever, but maybe it's good for you guys to go your separate ways for a while.

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N.W. answers from Eugene on June 08, 2011

I put friends like this on the back burner. They stay my friends, but become occassional friends. You have such a long history with her that there is no reason to "dump" her or make her your enemy. But for now, she's not putting anything into your friendship so I'd just give her some space.

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B.P. answers from Washington DC on June 09, 2011

I am just now seeing so not sure what other comments out there. I think there is a time in all relationships to keep a "healthy" distance. It seems she has given you several hints that she is "busy". Have her call you or contact you from here on out. I don't know the whole story but you seem like you have been a caring and faithful friend. If she cannot value your friendship of over two decades, then she doesn't deserve it. She will notice after a while that you aren't around. She may come around eventually or she may be too proud to contact you. I've always said that not everyone deserves your friendship. There are people who you will grow out of. She may be the one. I did that with a friend I knew since she was I was 14. She had an extremely rough upbringing and life until our late twenties. I was very sympathetic toward that while growing up together and I always excused her jealousy and improper and hurtful behavior. It was never okay. We are now occasional email contacts after she made many efforts to contact me. I forgave her and it's okay that we aren't best friends anymore. I've found many since then. I hope you do the same. God bless!!

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J.S. answers from Hartford on June 08, 2011

Your friend sounds withdrawn, overwhelmed, stressed, and depressed to me. I think she's having some serious problems right now even if you can't see it from the outside. You see an itemized list of things about your friend that frustrate you but as someone who suffers from clinical depression and anxiety disorder, I see a list of symptoms that all point to depression.

She may be pushing you away, but it's not about you. She need a friend now more than ever, not someone who is just going to write her off after 20 years. And I know it hurts you... believe me, I really do. My best friend probably could have written your post several years ago before I was diagnosed and started therapy and counseling. I'm very lucky that she stuck it out with me. We became best friends when we were 10 years old and we're 36/37 now. Our children are best friends. So are our husbands.

Your post is very timely. Today is Best Friends Day. Please don't break up with your best friend when she needs you the most. Be persistent and offer her an ear to listen to, but do it face to face.

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K.R. answers from Sherman on June 08, 2011

Awe... old friends. lol. take it with a grain of salt. You know by now what she's like. if she's all upset about something and you know you have done nothing wrong, then just dont worry about it.
If you wanna give her a call sometime because you are thinking about her, then do. but the maintenance of this friendship should not solely fall on your shoulders. she can do a little work too.

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S.K. answers from Minneapolis on June 08, 2011

If it were me I wouldn't try to get in touch with her again until she does. She clearly seems uninterested. Ok she is busy and all that but that's not the way to talk to your friend who is calling to check on you. If she was really busy or tired with morning sickness , I would expect her to call me once she is well and finds some time or atleast shoot me an email or an SMS. I mean to say I would expect her to contact me after this and show some interest in continuing with this friendship. Maybe there are other things going on which she has not shared with you. Or maybe she is just uninterested. I would say back off until she shows some interest and then you can continue from there. But this depends on how interested you are in keeping in touch with her. If you really really want to be in touch then maybe try once more, and if her reaction is still the same then what choice would you have than to wait.

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