Ok Letting 2 and 6 Yr Old Go to Beach W "Lax" Family Member

You don't need "suggestions." You already know the answer here, don't you?

No.

This is not some issue of "they'd come home having eaten too much sugar and with their hair full of sand." This about life and death, frankly. Can you imagine how long it would take a two-year-old to take that single step into deeper water and disappear? About one second. Do you trust these adults with your children's lives? Should you?

He thinks it's an acceptable "treat" to let a child go without a seat belt? That ALONE is enough to make me say I would never, ever let him take my child anywhere.

Why are you even questioning this decision? Why is the idea that "it will be fun" for him and the kids to do this even in your mind here? Are you getting pressured by your husband and/or these relatives to do this? Are they accusing you (even jokingly) of being "uptight" or to use your own term, a "helicopter parent" -- and you're letting that pressure get to you?

You should feel much more than "uncomfortable" about this; you should feel an instant, huge NO that should already have been said and accepted by them. If you are getting pressure to do this, you need to learn to resist it. If you say yes now, you have opened the door to this happening again and again not just with trips to the beach but other outings as well. Without seat belts, just for a starter.

You need to get your husband to back you up here, permanently. These relatives must always see your kids with you along, and must not be allowed to transport them.

It worries me that you are even considering this enough to ask about it. I really suspect you are under pressure to "lighten up" and am worried that you are even thinking about caving in to such pressure (even if the pressure's from yourself). Who cares how these relatives, no matter how close they are to you, think about your parenting?

Go on this trip, drive your own kids, or keep them home. No question.

12 moms found this helpful

I don't think using common sense qualifies you as a helicopter parent.

Not using seatbelts--- lack of common sense.
Not using sunscreen---lack of common sense.
I could go on, but if you were to let the kids go with these very thoughtless adults--- lack of common sense. I certainly wouldn't.

Sometimes we have a different dynamic for a reason-- like keeping our children alive.

11 moms found this helpful

Drowning isn't fun, it's excruciatingly painful.
Sunburn it's fun, it's miserable.

Car accident probably wouldn't happen (not even touching the stupidity of teaching it's "fun" to break saftey rules), but the other 2? Strong probability.

I'm a former rescue swimmer (military) so I often come off fairly blasé around water, but it's because I RESPECT water. I LOOK relaxed, because I'm comfy but:
- I look up the currents / look up daily warnings
- Am never more than 50% of time away from brain damage... That's 6 minutes till brain damage, minus 3 minutes for resuscitation,
= 90 seconds distance max from ADULTS.
= 30 seconds away from older kids.
= In arms reach of younger kids, and
= have hands on toddlers.
- Never have more kids than arms of adults (14yo+ strong swimmers) present (in oceans)
- Always have eyes on

So I LOOK relaxed, but am actually extremely vigilant. I've fished too many bodies out, and have gotten in too many close calls MYSELF, so EVER be careless around the ocean.

I would never allow my son to go with your family member from your description. Period. Breaks every rule I have concerning ocean saftey. The most basic: being how many kids they are responsible for.

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OK, that's just crazy - I wonder how they would feel if they let their kids go without seat belts and ride in the front seat one of those times and then got into an accident. Do they realize they are breaking the law when they allow that? Do they want their kids to get majorly sunburned? If they are that loosey-goosey about seat belt use and sunscreen, how do you think they will be supervising them at the beach?

If they want to take them to the beach, I would insist on coming along and meeting them there - if they want to do something else with just your kids, let it be another activity that isn't as risky. You are not "helicoptering" - just using common sense. I don't think you want your kids and family members being featured on the 11:00 news because of some preventable tragedy. You know those stories, where everyone shakes their head and wonders, what were they thinking? This has that potential. Just say no.

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I'm sorry but is this a joke? First of all the car seat/seat belt thing is ridiculous. Why would he risk his kids' lives like that? Won't be much of a 'treat' anymore if he wrecks the car with those kids in the front.

Secondly, I live near the beach in IL and a two year-old was pulled from the water unresponsive just last weekend. Thank God the lifeguards were able to revive her at the scene. It only takes a matter of seconds.

I would NOT let them go without me. And your lax family member is probably a fun guy to spend time with but doesn't sound trustworthy at all with the kids.

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No no no. They don't go at all, ever. What's "fun" about sunburn, no safety, and this guy losing your kids? You think he'll watch 4 kids in the water? At least 2 of them (your 2 yo and his 3 yo) don't swim, and the two 6 year olds are not exactly Michael Phelps. You can't count on lifeguards to watch every little child - it's not possible.

He's breaking the law by not insisting on seat belts, and he's defying every pediatrician but not using sunscreen. If he doesn't listen to authority figures, why would he listen to you? Your kids don't go unless you go, and in my opinion, they shouldn't spend too much time around this couple even if you ARE there. They will learn lots of terrible things and develop bad habits. Why would it be so much fun for him to have your kids without you there???? What does he have planned that you shouldn't be a part of???

Trust your gut, mama. You know this isn't a good idea.

8 moms found this helpful

i'll probably be the 'lax' family member that my kids write to MP about.
but this is way, way beyond what's acceptable.
it's not helicoptering to have boundaries, and seatbelts are one of 'em. i don't care for sunscreen either but there are times it's necessary. if this family member refuses to accept your minimum standards, just say no.
khairete
S.

8 moms found this helpful

Just say "no". Really.

8 moms found this helpful

Wow. I was expecting you to say "too much ice cream, no naps, etc" NOT blatantly endangering children!

In this situation, I would offer to drop the kids off (with sunscreen already on) and then camp out down the beach (but still within visual distance) and let them play. After an hour or so, walk down and check in, reapply, rehydrate and see how they are. Your kids may be ready to go back with you at that point too!

7 moms found this helpful

There is a difference with being a helicopter parent who is on top of the children all the time at school, play, etc.

What you describe is not helicopter parent... it is your basic concern for the health and safety of your children.

They are 4 and 6, they need constant supervision.

As for the seat belt issue.. it is a law here that everyone is buckled in or you get ticketed. I don't consider it a "treat" to not wear a seatbelt or sit in the front... that is asking for trouble. God forbid there is an accident.

Sunscreen is vital at the beach and should be for everyone. I am of Native American heritage, never burn, tan well, etc but I ALWAYS wear sunscreen. Basic health safety.

I think you have answered your own question. You want your children to have a great experience but your know the parenting style of your SIL and it is not like yours.

Like I said, it is not being a helicopter to watch children when at a beach or pool... it is something parents should already know to be diligent about due to possibile drowning, getting a little too far away, etc.

If my child were 4 or 6 and I were faced with this type of parenting style for her to go on a trip, I would politely decline. I am FAR FAR away from helicopter mom, I encourage independence, but I would not knowingly let her go on a trip with someone who I knew was lax with parenting. if they don't keep their eyes on their own children well, they won't with yours either.

If you do decide to let them go, make sure you talk to the BIL AND SIL and they know your expectations.

Never compromise on health or safety

7 moms found this helpful

I think the answer is very clear NO WAY!! Anyone who doesn't put a seatbelt on their kid and let them sit in the front is a complete A$$ in my opinion. I wouldn't let them take my dog to the beach!! Sorry, my husband or I would have to go or NO beach!! And for a 2 and 6 year old I don't think there is such a thing as a helicopter parent, not at the beach anyway. You need to hover in situations like this.

7 moms found this helpful

Lax and water DO NOT mix! I also am not a helicoptor parent and I let my child do and try lots of things that another parent might cringe at. But being at a beach with kids that age requires constant supervision. They need to have an adult within arms reach. Drowning is silent and fast.

7 moms found this helpful

Living near it, I can tell you the beach can be a fun place.
And yet every year, they drag a few bodies out of the surf.
Some are kids, some are adults - the sea doesn't care.
You want a wild 'rule free' evening, try having ice cream for supper.
There's a vast difference between 'helicoptering' and being lax to the point of stupidity.
You don't leave your kids with people who don't care if their own live or die.
It's possible to have fun and be safe at the same time.

7 moms found this helpful

I can't believe you're even considering this! I don't let ANYONE else watch my kids at the beach, not even trustworthy people like my own parents. I have to be there to watch them in the water myself.

My 10 yr old was invited to go to Indiana Dunes with her friend this summer, and I had to say no.

Go with your gut. If your gut is telling you no, then listen to it. Far better to be safe than sorry.

6 moms found this helpful

No way in hell....period.

6 moms found this helpful

I wouls NOT let a lax person take my kids to the beach! Way too many chances of something bad happening!

6 moms found this helpful

Assuming your location is correct, Massachusetts has a law that all children up to age 8 be in a car seat or booster. It is ILLEGAL for them to be just in a seat belt. So for your relative to let his kids only have a seat belt on is wrong and could get potentially get him arrested. Do you want your kids in his care if this happens? That alone would have me saying no way would my kids ever get in a car with a relative that won't simply put their own kids in the car without proper restraint. Like others have said I would drive them myself and stay and enjoy the beach as well.

6 moms found this helpful

Uhhh, I wouldnt let me kids go anywhere with someone that would allow their 3 and 6 year to sit in the front seat, let alone trust them with water safety.

My suggestion, go with them or dont let them go.

6 moms found this helpful

A 2 year old and water without constant supervision??? Not only no, but He11 no....

I'm sorry J., but you're the mom and ultimately responsible for anything that happens. Yes, it is possible that 'nothing' could happen. But if something terrible did, either in the car or near the water, you would never forgive yourself.

My husband sees the drowned toddlers every spring and summer. 2 year olds are at the top of the most common list.

Not matter how tempting the fun is, don't let your common sense override this potential catastrophe.

GL!

6 moms found this helpful

Egad, no! I would not let them go!
It is not a "treat" to be sitting in the car without seat belts and a kid sitting up front.
In my State, that is against the law, and the driver would get a TICKET! Which is expensive!
And not to mention, what if there is an accident?
Any kid, ages 3-6 years old, CANNOT sit up front. It is against the law. My friend's Dad, once had her young son sitting up front. He is 6. And you know what? Her Dad got PULLED over by a COP. And then got slapped with like a $100 dollar FINE!
It that a "treat?"
Here are the laws in my State:
http://www.ghsa.org/html/stateinfo/bystate/hi.html

Kids that ages, have to be in a CAR SEAT too.

Oh and the sunscreen issue?
That is a no brainer.
A person, any person kid or adult, can get SUNBURNED with being in the sun for even 15 minutes. I know, this is Hawaii. Land of lots of sun!
My late Dad, even got sun POISONING once, even if he was very careful and ended up in the hospital.

And they let their kids "wander pretty far...."?????
WTH.

I would NOT NOT NOT, be letting your relatives, take your kids to the beach.
At all.
And if your Husband.... or his family gives you a bad time about it for being a wet blanket, just let your Husband read these responses.

Going to the beach with those relatives would not be "fun." It would be... reckless.

6 moms found this helpful

I would go and meet them there. I am very free range, but this sounds over the top. I could see the seat belt thing if they were just going to the end of the dirt lane in a cottage community were the speed limit is 10 mph, but certainly not on regular roads or highways. Your kids aren't old enough to make sure they are wearing sunscreen themselves. I let my kids wander at that age, but always within my sight. Anyway, I would wait until the kids were older to let them go with these people.

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Nope, would not do it. It is a SERIOUS clash of needs and there are SERIOUS health risks involved. Nope, not in my book.

Seriously -- how did I get to answer TWICE!?!

Add you can simply say NO and not feel guilty.

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I dont think your kids could go and come back with a result that you would be happy with, thus starting a family feud. Best to avoid it for now, they are much too young to be at the beach with a less than attentive adult.

5 moms found this helpful

I was just visiting my dad on Cape Cod and took my almost 2 year old to the beach. I was right next to him whenever he was playing in the water, and he still managed to fall down face-first a few times and go under. And he was wearing a baby life jacket. If I hadn't been right there watching, he could have been in a dangerous situation several times over, all within seconds. Frankly, you need to "helicopter" kiddos that young in the water, and who cares if people criticize you for that?? Gosh, if you were a decent parent, you would let your kid do somersaults in the back seat as you drive down the freeway, and at two years old the best way to learn to swim is throw them in the deep end, right??

5 moms found this helpful

Nope. I would not let them go.
You aren't a helicopter parent, you are a responsible one. No seatbelt?? No sunscreen?? Don't seem attentive to their own kids and adding two more?? No way...

Two and six year old have no concept of how quickly dangerous the ocean can be. It's so easy for something to happen even when you watch closely, there's no way that I would let my kids go near water with the people that you describe. If you aren't going I would not let your kids go. No question.

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Well normally, I'd ask are they lax all the time, or will they reign it in if you ask them to? If you give them specific instructions, will they follow them for the day or not worry about?

But at the beach, that point is moot. If I was concerned that they aren't very attentive, there is no way I'd let my kids go. They don't pay attention to two and this would make it four. It's not like a play date at their house...you are adding sun and WATER and a car ride to the mix. Water can be deadly. And in our house, seat belts are absolutely non negotiable. I would in no way classify myself as a helicopter parent, but I don't think I'd allow them to go. I'd probably thank them for the offer and just be honest. "I'm just not comfortable with my kiddos playing by the water without us just yet." And leave it at that.

My son is six and is an excellent swimmer for his age. He has a swimming party to go to today. A family I know and trust. They ARE vigilant with their children. They have assured me they have extra adults on duty to watch the kids in the pool so I could drop my son off and come back. I'll be sitting by the pool keeping and eye on my son...water can just be too dangerous to take chance.

5 moms found this helpful

Your best bet is to say "I am not comfortable letting them go places without me". You could also say "We'll meet you there" and then you can be sure that they have sunscreen on and wear their seatbelts. Then let them have some time with just the kids while you can enjoy yourself a bit but know you are close at hand.

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No! Why would you even consider taking a chance on your children's safety?

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Hi.
I agree with the replies.
Health and safety (especially care safety!!!)are the two issues I would not compromise on when it comes to my child. If you would like, you can invite these people over to your home and enjoy their company in your presence.
Jilly

3 moms found this helpful

Nope, would not do it. It is a SERIOUS clash of needs and there are SERIOUS health risks involved. Nope, not in my book.

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Um, no. A 2 & 4 year old were at a local beach playing on the sand away from the water with their mom a couple of months ago. They lived near the beach and were there regularly. The ball they were playing with bounced away and the mom went to get it when she turned around, her two year old had vanished. At this point, they assume that she walked or fell into a little tributary stream and got washed out to sea.

If your kids were old enough to have some sense and look out for each other, maybe, but with two little ones who should be in the sight of and within arms' reach of an adult at all times on the beach? No freaking way.

ETA J. I just realized that you're from Melrose. Remember that awful story out of Gloucester? Do you want to be that family on the news? Probably not, right?

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I am not a helicopter parent and I would not do this. My two year old and my 4 year old are more than I can handle at the beach (They both wander, they both inherited some Irish skin from hubby and need lost of reapplication of sunscreen. The surf needs constant monitoring.) I assume you are talking about the ocean beach.
I would allow if there was no surf, and the cousins were old enough to help keep tabs, and a promise to reapply sunscreen every hour. Then maybe.

if there is a surf break, if the older cousins aren't old enough to help supervise, then I might compromise and send the older sibling, but not the two year old.

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Can you join them as well? That way you can make sure they have their seatbelts on, or strapped into their car seats correctly. You can make sure they have sunscreen on and are dilligent on reapplying it. Sunburns hurt and are no fun! They really can ruin a vacation. Which brings me to the last concern, kid's need to be watched at the water at 2 and 4, they just do and if the parents don't respect that your kid's are at the age that they need to be watched, sadly they can't go with them, or you have to find a way to go as well. Sorry but I really think your instincts are telling you what you already know.

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I'd be uncomfortable, too. I would still go with them. Everything about your post makes me uncomfortable -- and while their kids may run around and not get hurt and be just fine, they may be used to limits that your kids are not. My brother's kids, who are in florida, have been body surfing in the ocean since they were little, so my brother lets them go really far out -- but they're used to it. My kids have only been to the beach a handful of times and they are not as used to the same conditions -- I would not be comfortable giving them the same freedoms.

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We grew up without sunscreen, seatbelts or carseats, and we are still alive and kicking. I remember fondly going to the beach with my aunt and three older cousins. We would all pile into the back of her station wagon and argue as to who got to ride in the "trunk" with the dog. We would swap out while she was driving. No one wore sunscreen, in fact, it would have been suntan lotion to heighten the tans. We would walk along the surf in a group and look for crabs and horseshoe crabs, and go to the concession for greasy fries and hotdogs and pick up beer for the adults.

Later we'd wander off and go collect as much seaweed as possible so we could use it for hair for the "sand hags" we would fashion out of sand driftwood and shells.

To use an expression we used as kids, it wasn't just a good time, it was a great good time.

Don't let fear of the improbable govern your day or stop your fun.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

1 mom found this helpful

Haven't read your responses yet but mine is HECK NO. I have a very short list of people who can take my 12 year old to the beach. By short list, I mean my husband, my sister (only one of my 2 sisters) and my best friend. I know these 3 people will watch my daughter as good if not even better than I would.

The beach is just too dangerous a place to have lax supervision. A good friend of mine (adult woman) just told me of her being knocked over by 2 waves in succession. She said she felt like she was going to drown and she's athletic and a good swimmer. She was only standing in maybe 2-3 feet of water at the time. The ocean is nothing to play around with. And the seatbelt thing? No way would my daughter be riding in a car with other people who aren't strapped in (including adults). In an accident, someone could smash into your children - very, very dangerous.

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If I were you, I'd drop the kids off. That way, you can lather them up with sunscreen and have your kids buckled safely.

...and then pick them up later.

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I'd go too. I am a sunscreen fanatic...I'd go for that reason alone and drive them in my car. Maybe you could drive them, lather them up with SS and then leave...hopefully they wouldn't let them go too far in the water???

1 mom found this helpful

car and water safety is a big deal. things can go wrong very fast.
i would be worried about letting my kids go anywhere near water when the children out number the adults, in the first place. throw in your concerns about them not being stringent about safety measures and watching them carefully enough, and i think you have your answer. :( sorry.

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Someone said, "car accident probably won't happen"....uh, they happen every single day. No one knows they will be in one when they leave the house. To allow them to not wear seatbelts and to sit in the front is completely irresponsible. There is NO WAY IN HELL I would EVER allow them to be in charge of my kids. It only takes one thing to happen for someone to say, "I wish I would have...", but then its too late. I know parents who wished they would have enforced seat belts when their kids were younger, because when their teen started driving, they didn't wear one and were killed in accidents. And the parents who "stepped away for just a minute" while their kids were in the pool or the bathtub. And the parents who let their kids stay home alone because they just had to run to the store real quick. And then something tradgic happens. Of course it doesn't happen to ALL of us who have also done those things...but that is the RISK you are taking when you do. I'm an insurance agent and know clients who have had these things happen. So if you don't feel comfortable, I would not allow them to go unless I was with them. Good luck.

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Whether they should go or not depends on how receptive they will be to your rules. If you want your kids to wear a seatbelt, and you think they might not enforce that, then they can't take them..it is that simple. If they will, then apply sunscreen before they go, and send them with some to reapply, and make sure to tell them that it will need to be reapplied after x amount of time. To me-one of the biggest areas of concern is how relaxed they will be AT the beach, around the water, and whether they will be able to adequately monitor ALL of the kids they will have with them. The beach is NOT a place where you can be off your supervision game, for even a moment. Just the other day, my neighbor's daughter was almost sucked out to sea and completely lost (and while rescuing her, my neighbor-an adult-almost drowned)...and they weren't past thigh deep water. The answer should be, if you have ANY legitimate concerns about whether your kids should go, then don't send them. You want them to have good experiences, but you should NEVER feel bad about being protective when potential danger presents itself....and anyone that writes you off as being unreasonably OVERprotective, should not have care of your children.

Nope. I am all for the "me" time, but it ain't worth it if I am leaving my kid with shaky caregivers. I'd just spend the whole time worrying anyway.

It's a weird one - but there are ways around most of these things if you'd like them to go. First of all apply their sun cream before they leave - and use one of the "once a day" ones that is also water resistant - that's one angle covered. About the seat belts either make your older kid promise to where his/hers and to also put one on for the younger child or just say you'll drop them to the beach and pick them up - use the car seat as an excuse maybe (just say you don't want the 3 year old traveling in a car without it so you'd feel better if you dropped them). I'd say to tell the friends that you'd really appreciate if they DIDN'T do their car seat "treat" with your kids (again you could say you're trying really hard to get them to wear them and this would adversely effect that) - but they will probably ignore you. So go with your gut. If it's only for a few hours give it a try - talk to your older child and let him know that he's to look out for his/her sibling too while they're out. But, if you're feel totally freaked out about it then don't do it!