My 5-y.o. son has always been an emotional child. Very high energy when happy, very dramatic when unhappy. He has mellowed out as he has gotten older, but we've noticed that in the past few weeks, he's starting to get more emotional again, specifically when things don't go his way. It could be anything - his friends don't want to play the game he wants to play, we won't let him have a treat he wants, he's misplaced a toy, we have to leave a playdate (and he is always given plenty of prep time about when we have to leave). When things don't go his way, he will do anything from make these extravagantly awful pouting faces to actually cry.
Honestly, it's getting on my nerves. I can understand if he's really hurt or if there really were some serious injustice involved, but most of these grievances are pretty minor annoyances by any objective measure. Even he will acknowledge this when he is being rational, but in the moment, he is so upset that he can't seem to compose himself. What do I do to help him (and myself) through this phase? I vacillate between being really irritated by the drama and feeling a little guilty that I'm minimizing something that is clearly a big deal for him, at least in that moment. I don't want to encourage the drama, but I also don't want him to think that I don't care when he is upset. How do I walk that line between helping him pick his battles but also being an emotional support for him when he needs it?
Thanks, everyone. It's good to know that I'm not alone with this. :) For the most part, I am already following much of the advice that has already been posted, but I do feel a little guilty every now and then. I think I was mostly looking for validation that I won't scar him if I (gently) tell him to get over it already. :)
I tell my son that he can be as upset as he wants about it ... in his room. Once he is calm and ready to act politely he may come back downstairs so we can discuss it. If we are in public I leave and then say the above statement in the car. Mostly in public he does not pull it and it is less and less at home - overstimulation can often be a big factor and overtireness.
One of my daycare kids is like this. She'll have her emotional days where I'll just tell her to put her nap blanket away and she'll start with the emotions. I'll say, "ok, you broke a rule, now it's time for a time out" and she'll immeditately bust into tears and stand there in utter-drama mode until sometimes I have to physically place her there. She's a great kid, just super emotional. I keep 5 kids during the day including my own 4 year old. I have 3 5 year olds and 2 4 year olds and the 5 year olds are WAY more emotional than the younger ones. They are at an age where they are starting to realize that they are their own little person and that can be intimidating. Once they grasp that, they are now responsible for thinking and acting like they should and it's hard for them.
All of a sudden, you know that telling a lie is a big deal. All of a sudden, you realize that you are ok with Mommy not being there for every little thing. All of sudden.......
Let him fret. But not too much. Anxiety is very normal at this age and they all handle it in their own way. Just encourage your little one and learn to BREATHE! I have the most exhausting little 4 year old that you'l EVER meet, plus 4 more at my in-home daycare and on Sundays I teach a group of 15-20 kids ages 4 and 5.
Choices are the best for this age. Do you want to cry and pout or do you want to help me clean so that we have time to go to the park? Do want a story? Ok, well, then you better get in and brush your teeth first...
If you want to play outside on the trapoline, this table needs to be cleared first.
It's not very nice of you to talk about my son on here!! HAHA!! Oh my gosh you totally described him. He mellowed out and the last few weeks he will fly off the handle for no reason. Mostly I find it's when he is tired.
When he acts like that, he immediately goes to his room. He has 5 minutes to stop and come down to apologize and correct his behavior or he will face further punishment. It's starting to work...so I'm hoping it gets better!
He is my only child to act this way at 5 and not 2...but he's been on a roll since he turned 2, so who knows! He's also the baby.
Ignore the tantrum. You are not ignoring him but his behavior. You can even tell him that, "I am walking away until you choose to calm down" and the LEAVE the area. If you get caught up in 'hurting' his feeling instead of disciplining him when needed, you are asking for a load of trouble as he gets older and the tantrums will only get worse and more manipulative. He's 5 - he knows exactly what he is doing by throwing the tantrum. You need to teach and guide him with coping skills - no coddling. Some have found Love & Logic to be successful in teaching boundaries and how to control actions (it's not for us but our kids are easy kids - for now :). Good luck!
I STRONGLY recommend the brilliant little book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It will help you understand how to support your son in doing more of his own problem-solving. Kids are really good at this with a little parental listening and empathy. I have LOVED this book, and use the techniques all the time with my grandson. This is one of the wisest and most effective parenting books ever.
Just as with a 2 or 3 year old he needs to learn appropriate behavior and have consequences. When it's time to leave a playdate, he misplaces a toy (which is his responsibility to find) or he doesn't get the treat he wants and he throws a tantrum, and yes, that's what it is, he should be disciplined for it. Tell him beforehand what his consequence will be for the pouting and crying and when he does it, dole out the discipline consistently. It will be harder because he is emotional and you may feel like giving up, but if you are tired of the behavior, that's what you do or the behavior will continue and possibly escalate so he can get his way.
As far as him being upset that his friends don't want to play what he wants to play, use it as a learning experience. Explain that friends play nicely together and they take turns playing different things so he may have to play what they want to play sometimes. It's called learning to get along.
And, I don't say this insensitively or lightly. My 13 year old grandson was and is the same way and this approach worked well for him.
My oldest (also 5) is JUST like this. She is a very emotionally charged little girl. One thing I do with her is validate her feelings, but remind her about appropriate behaviour.
For example: today after school she wanted to show me how she can climb on the monkey bars, but we had swimming and had to rush home to be there on time - she knew this, but was upset when I told her it would have to wait till tomorrow. She started whining and crying and getting a little out of control. I ignored her tantrum and drove home quietly. When we got home and she'd calmed down, I explained that I understood she was disappointed about the monkey bars and it's ok to feel that way....but it was NOT ok to cry and carry on the way she did. She apologized for acting out and I promised to watch her on the monkey bars tomorrow, when we have more time.
Also, it's so important for her basic needs to be met - getting enough sleep, drinking plenty of water, and eating enough nutritious food - otherwise, all bets are off! lol
While I'm sure it must be exhausting for you, the stage he is going through is normal. What can be altered is "how" he deals w/the disappointment. I know some adults that cannot grasp this. ;)
My friend (she has a lot of kids) does is get down on one knee & explain the situation in as few words as possible. She is calm and says things like "I know you're disappointed but it's time to go do something else now." or "I know you're sad the playdate is over. We'll plan another one.)
This strategy seemed to calm them.
It explained the "why", diffused the situation, calmed them & gave them something to look forward to (the "next time").
It all took a matter of a few seconds.
I remember thinking how well it worked.
I think the key elements were:
-she was calm
-she came down to their level (heighth-wise)
-gave them hope
-gave them an element of choice (we go now, we can poss do this again)
It also calmed her frazzled nerves.
It didn't encourage the behavior.
It stopped it.
Gave him emotional support esp from mom (the most important person
in the world to a youngster).
He can pout.
It's the idea that he can't actually get his way. ex. staying longer.
The misplaced toy? How aggravated do we get when we can't find our keys? They key? We've learned by a parent showing us to put things back where we've found them so you can later find it.
The calm from you is emotional support. A hug while you expain things etc.
He's not a toddler. I wouldn't really have any sympathy for this. Life doesn't always go your way and he's certainly of age to learn that. I wouldn't give him any attention, positive or negative for this behavior. I'd just ignore it. Making extravagant pouting faces isn't genuine emotion, it's a chosen behavior and kids do this to get attention. The best way to stop an attention-seeking behavior is to ignore it. He does need to learn to cope with what you say are really minor disappointments.
Sounds exactly like my older child. I spend a lot of time telling her to take a deep breath and blow it out! In yoga they tell you your breathing makes a physiological change in your state of mind so I try to get her to just BREATH! And I often breath with her - because I need to! Just like you I get irritated. I spend half my day saying "I love you. Take a deep breath and calm down then we can talk about it." I'm going to record myself and put it on repeat. I definitely do a lot of ignoring when it is a pouty whiny fit over candy, toy etc... And if she doesn't drop it I tell her she will have to go to her room if she can't calm herself down. If the fit gets bigger she starts losing privileges. I find she is worse when she is tired, or has had too much sugar or tv. We really don't keep junk food in the house at all and it is in large part because of her behavior! She does quiet time every day or we all suffer the consequences! Part of it is age and part of it personality. Her younger sis has never been a fit thrower - she's just a calmer spirit.
Hmm sounds almost like something is bugging him but he doesn't know how to vocalise this just yet. I see you say you give him plenty of prep time is it worse sometimes that others i.e maybe a few hours after he's eaten or when he's hungry reason being could be a sugar imbalance or an intolerance to gluten, caesin or an additive in the food. You do say he will acknowledge this when he is ok. Some of the time he will be thinking "your not paying enough attention to me" and others he will be upset that is a thin line to figure out, sometimes easy but not always... See if you can't get him tested for allergies to food types. It may turn out to be minor or may turn out to be major but the doctor will be able to figure this out. Another possible but looking at it, very slim chance.. Autism, ok a mild form of it at best but might be best to discard / remove that possibility.. Maybe one time when he is being rational try and get him to write down / vocalise how he felt at the time he gets annoyed, write it down, write down what he ate and how long ago it was, see if you can't see a pattern and take that to the doctors with you.. Every little one is different that is for sure..
My son recently turned 6 but I've seen the same kind of thing. I usually say something like when you calm down we will talk. We already have a long standing rule if you have a tantrum you will not get whatever it is the tantrum is about. Som mostly he calms down in a few minutes and we move on. My son is definitely a high energy, lots of personality and sometimes lots of drama kid. As others have observed, it is worse with an overtired kid.
For a lot of kids 5 is a real turning point with behavior. My son's behavior has improved a lot in the last year and many friends said the same thing. Also sometimes kids backslide a little right before making a big step forward.
