Recently, for my 58th irthday, my older sister (68) gave me a gift that was offensive and hurtful, giving
me a dead frog, along with other appropriate gifts, for my birthday.
Our relationship has always been "strained" and rocky. The past year I drove more than an hour to
her hometown, took her out to lunch at a nice place, gave her very nice gifts, in an effort to "show"
her how to "be" and "treat" a sister. I took her shopping where she wanted to go, just to spend some
time with her. This year she reciprocated, (something she's never done) she drove to me, gave me
a frog, that had found it's way, (amazingly) into her house and dehydrated. She wrapped it in toilet paper,
placed it in a Godiva Chocolate box (sacrilegious in my opinion) and gave it to me saying, "our Mom would
have done this!) You have to "know" our Mom, whom died just a year ago. Yes, she was a nature lover,
and would often give me butterflies that had died, which were lovely in color, or four leaf clover's she had found, but
would have NEVER given me a dead frog! Now it's my turn to take her out to lunch and give her gifts. She found
out that I was offended, because I shared in confidence with another sibling. How do I tell her how inappropriate
her dead frog was to me? Without causing an uproar!?
My sister emailed me a few days before and asked if the "sister in law" (her torch carrier) could join us...I thought about it and decided it might defuse a fight or another yet, strained visit, so I said it was fine. She joined us and I have to say it went just fine. At one point when my sister was opening my present to her, she came across a small box and remarked that she "almost was afraid to open it, after what I gave her!" meaning, she thought I was going to retaliate. That remark told me, she halfway expected a "pay back" which say's she knows what she did was inappropriate. But it also could have been that she was tipped off that I was upset and would do a pay back just because I was upset. I never brought it up, ignored the remark and made the best of it. It turned out to be a good day, because I later was able to visit with my SIL and was able to tell "my" side of the story. She's only always heard my sister's side of any of our conflicts. I felt I made an "inroad" to getting to know SIL better and hopefully, she's experiencing me for who I am and not who my sister has told her I am. My sister was unusually quiet that day,,,, a side effect, I think of her medication - which is a good thing she's on something! All in all, it turned out okay.
Okay so she reached out and tried but you don't like the effort. Imagine if you had given a gift that you thought, clearly in error, was cool, amazing, whatever and the receiver got their knickers in a twist?
How about instead of being critical go with sis ya tried but gross. :)
Send her a dead snake in a ice cream carton.
She's missing a sensitivity chip. You're not going to change her. Love her the way she is, and stop going the extra mile trying to teach her. She will never learn.
I'm wondering if she really meant what she said. Maybe your mom gave you butterflies, flowers that had died. Maybe your sister was trying to be like your mom she just chose the wrong "deceased thing" to give you.
I would let it go...my sister does stuff all the time that offends me...I'm sure I offend her a lot. She's my sister and no matter what it's the thought/effort she would make. And believe me my sister and I are polar opposites!
Is your sister generally socially awkward? Maybe she meant well but just doesn't get it. I'd tell her you appreciate the thought but that frogs just aren't your thing.
Honestly, from what you wrote in your post, it sounds like she was trying. Maybe she never "got" why your mom gave you dead butterflies, and thought: "dead bugs, dead frogs, hey... it's something mom would've done!"
Whatever the case, the dehydrated frog obviously gave HER warm thoughts of your deceased mother, so take it in that spirit. She MEANT well. She just is clueless about the love of dead things.
In all honesty, she probably deserves an apology. You probably offended HER by mocking her well-intentioned gift.
I (as in me, personally) would NEVER want a dead frog. Especially as a gift. But my mother has never given me dead stuff for ANY reason, either. Not even butterflies. So, there you have it... my opinion anyway.
Let it go. It sounds like, in her own little way, she was trying to be sweet and do something for you like your mom would have.
It could be that your teaching effort backfired. Perhaps it was her response to having been "instructed" by her sister.
On the other hand, it could be a legitimate gift. I was reading some of the other responses, and some folks DO like dead frogs! Do you think it's remotely possible that your sister meant well? I'm thinking about her comment about your nature-loving mother.
Is it possible to give her the benefit of the doubt? You're angry and bitter about this, and you can't do anything about your sister until you work through your own feelings.
You've already caused an uproar, inadvertently, because you talked behind her back to another sibling. That's turning a lighted match into a wildfire. The dynamics in your family don't sound encouraging for unburdening one's heart!
Our family has experienced gifts given deliberately to offend. It's a very weird feeling. I've found that when I can only either laugh or cry, it helps more if I laugh. Admittedly, sometimes the laugh has a note of hysteria in it. In your place, I THINK I might have written (take note: written!) to her, "Thank you for the very interesting present. It was an eye-opener to find a dead frog when I was licking my lips anticipating Godiva chocolate. But thank you - do you have a suggestion for what to DO with him? Dead frogs have never been my thing. Am I supposed to keep him? Give him to a nature museum?"
But you'll have to work into a better frame of mind in order to make it humorous. In the whole scheme of things, if this is the worst present you ever get, you're probably doing all right. It could have been a live frog. Or a live tarantula.
"In ancient verdu times the frog was associated with spontaneous energy. A dead frog represents capturing energy with the potential to unleash power."
"The Frog has been a symbol of prosperity, wealth, friendship and abundance in many cultures and a symbol of fertility in others.
In the Native American culture of the Southwest, the Frog carries a piece of wood in its mouth, because the Mojave people believe Frogs brought fire to humans.
For the Romans, the Frog was a mascot believed to bring Good Luck to one's home.
The native Aborigines of Australia, believed that Frogs brought the thunder and rain, to help the plants to grow.
Frogs are also said to be effective in speeding up recovery from disease.
Among the ancient Egyptians and Greeks, Frogs symbolized inspiration and fertility.
In Egypt, Hekt, the Frog goddess, protected new-born babies, hence Frogs are symbols of fertility and birth.
The Frog is also said to attract true friends and to help you find long-lasting love."
That said-I'm still not sure why your sister brought you a dead frog or why she thought it was ok to give you the box and not the Godiva chocolates??
I think she owes you flowers!
I wouldn't have been offended. I think a dehydrated frog would be cool. Your sister probably thought it was cool and wanted to share it with you. My mother-in-law brought the boys and I these little dehydrated lizards she had found on her trip to Florida last year (in a little jewellery store box), and the last time she was fishing she found a baby catfish in the mouth of the fish she caught, so she brounght it over frozen. You could simply say "Thanks, I appreciate the thought, but it's not my kind of thing."
Deja vu – I briefly dated a man in my 30's who gave me a dead, dessicated frog as a gift. I chose not to be offended; I collect natural souvenirs of all sorts myself, from dried leaves to jewel-like dead beetles, and use them in my art. Though I shuddered at this particular gift, I am quite sure he meant well, and the gift was "interesting" and scientific. But then we wanted the frog back a few months later to give to another friend. Hmmm – because that was one of many clueless behaviors, I realized I didn't want this man as a future step-dad for my daughter, so I stopped dating him. We remained friends, though, for a long time after.
Perhaps your sister really believed your mom would do this, and that you would appreciate the gesture. If you want graciousness in your relationship, it's really up to you to provide it. That would probably include giving her the benefit of the doubt.
What might be the most gracious thing to do is to just drop the issue, or, even better, be honest about your reaction (which you are entitled to, by the way!). You feel creeped out by the dead frog, in a Godiva box, no less? Well, your first impulse of disgust you most graciously suppressed. Good so far. But tearing down the gift, and your sister, to others is purely harmful to any future relationship, not only with the gifter, but with others who hear you complaining about her. Nobody is quite as comfortable with a gossip as with a person who is up-front in his/her communication. Most of us can never be sure quite where they stand with such a person.
The Golden Rule can be applied with grace or pettiness. If we behave toward others nicely because we believe doing this important thing can improve the quality of relationship for ours and future generations, that's one thing. But "being nice" because we hope to teach someone what we expect from them is something smaller, and converts gold into lead. We all do that sometimes, of course. It's a conundrum worth contemplating.
Do you really want to tell her how you feel about the gift? You CAN do this by sticking to FEELING words (I shuddered, felt nauseated, felt shocked/annoyed/horrified, my stomach clenched, I had to fight down a feeling of disgust, I was afraid to tell you, etc.), which are authentic, spontaneous reactions.
If you avoid JUDGING words (I felt insulted, unloved, offended; that was tasteless/clueless/ridiculous), which are the effect of your THOUGHTS about the gift), you'll avoid one of the most common causes of arguments. (Those who are interested can learn more at Non-Violent Communication sites.)
Everybody has thoughts about each other and other's behaviors, but greater maturity comes from recognizing that those thoughts are often rooted in our own individual ideas about what's appropriate, and why. Feelings, however, are common to all of us, and therefore understood on a basic level by all of us. They give us at least a chance at honest communication and understanding each other better.
Best of luck.
Leave it alone...dispose of the frog and move on.
Don't take "your turn"....go spend your money on doing something nice for YOU and perhaps another person who actually cares about you.
Sometimes you just have to love family from a distance!
Bless her heart.
We all have a relative like this. They are just special.
She cannot help herself. Just be kind to her and let her do her best.
Your sister is 68. You cannot teach her how to treat people. She either has a really odd sense of humor and is not squeamish at all, or she's hostile. It's hard for us to tell. It might be very hard to tell the different between a dead butterfly and a dead frog in your sister's mind. Whatever made your mother do what she did, you sister either has the same inclination or the same sense of humor. Maybe she misses your mom and assumes you do too, and because she's older she's taking on the "mom" role in some way.
I think you have to start a no-gifts policy. Either that or start an uproar, and you said you are trying to heal a rocky relationship.
It's also curious that the other sibling told this sister about your feelings. Maybe wanting to be helpful, maybe wanting to hurt her, maybe wanting to start something. But if you were clear about it being confidential, this other sibling was also out of bounds.
I would sit her down privately and tell her that while you never doubted her love or her good intent on the gift, you are deeply offended. The dead frog was very offensive and you wanted to let her know so that this never happens again. Then listen, and see what she says.....
Great first question! Welcome to MP!
If your relationship has always been "strained and rocky" then this gift should not be a surprise to you. Throw it away and forget about it. Good luck.
If she's always been like this, you are not going to change her. Stop trying to change her - it just strains the relationship. Polite and distant may be the way to go with this.
And maybe she doesn't have all her marbles...
Is she senile or in the early stages of dementia?
I would interpret anything dead to be meant as a joke.
Maybe she really thought it was a tribute to your mom. However weird, if she meant well, I say let it go. It's really kind of funny.
She should have known better than to do that and then try to pull it off because another family member would have supposedly done the same thing. I would have gotten sick on her! How funny would she have thought that was?? Ha ha! Don't let her tacky ways change who you are or the way you would like to treat her on her birthday. She's also a grown woman so you can't assume that by you doing something for her that she'll do the same for you .. this isn't "monkey see/monkey do." She has her own thoughts for that already. BUT, I would definitely ask her before opening any other gifts if I needed to call Animal Control before doing so!
