Not Sure What to Do - College Station, TX

Good Morning J.,
The ladies are right, I too believe that you should never give a gift out of obligation. It will only make matters worst in the long run....if the gifts are to be bigger and better just on halloween and valentines day, what happens for his birthday. He will have nothing to look forward to because he's treated throughout the year which will make one quite ungrateful. He is in fact young, but you have to train up a child in the way they are to go and teach him the correct behavior. When you spent your hard earned money on the hot wheels you bought and he made that statement, his mom, instead of laughing should have explained to him to be grateful for any and everything that someone does for you because no one owes you anything and your aunt didn't have to get you anything at all. At this point the two of you need to have a chat. Perhaps she gets your daughter a gift because thats her niche...for instance, every yr. my aunt use to make everyone cookies...all sorts. Of course as a kid, I thought it was ridiculous, I never said it out loud. Well she died last yr. (she was 96) and this yr. there wont' be any cookies...so I'll miss her thoughtfulness. if thats why she gets your daughter a gift, great, If she gets it because she wants you to reciprocate the idea with her son, then you should nip it in the bud and stop it.....It will work out..

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I say relax and let her move in her giftings. Her love language is obviously gift giving and you should not try to keep up with her but rather just let her love your daughter. Don't by a $20 gift If I were you I would focus on ways to play with him and give him memories...something he can't already have and something he will never loose. Spend time playing with him with all his toys and he will never forget and love you even more. If he is like most kids he is probably rarely given adult face time (ie playing, pretneding ect). Good luck and always be true to yourself!!

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I have a sister in law just like that you could do what your mom says she may just take the hint or she might get pissy or you could get creative and make holiday decorated goodie bags, like decorate a plastic cup, coffee mug, canvas bag paper bag, basket for the holiday and fill it with little things he might like candy, note pad and pencil, crayons, stickers, stamps, individual packages of hot chocolate cookies or something like that.

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I've always personally felt that holidays like Valentine's Day and Halloween are not meant for big gifts... a cutely wrapped container of candy, trinkets, or frosty coupons should be more than acceptable gifts for your nephew. I do agree that a gift card may be the way to go if you do feel like a gift is necessary. I know a lot of people argue that gift cards are impersonal but there aren't a whole lot of other options for a child that has or gets anything they want. If his mother is offended that you're not spending the same on her son that she is on your daughter then oh well... your mother is right...eventually she will get the hint and stop buying these large gifts for such trivial holidays. All the best!

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I would get him a gift certificate to target or wherever for less than $20, say $15 and tell him that since he already has everything you thought he would like this...
Then for valentine's day do a certificate or cash (whatever) for less than that, maybe like $10. and slowly kinda widdle it down till y'all are not doing this anymore. maybe your sil will get the hint then...
my 2 cents...
I hate it when parents let their kids act disrespectfully.
good luck!

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You don't have to buy him a physical gift. He sounds old enough to enjoy an outting. Take him to a huanted house if you do that kind of thing or Chuck E. Cheese or the batting cages. And what kid gets tired of pizza? Gift cards work too.

His rude behavior might have been meant to be informative. Just politely remind him to say thank you and you'll remember he has that gift for next time. He also has a free trade with other little guys.

Best of luck to you.

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what about bringing them some goodies? like some cupcakes, rice crispies or decorated cookies that your daughter helped make(my boys love to use sprinkles)... we do this and a handmade card for holidays to all our close relatives....everyone loves it. and it's really cheap! $5 for enough to give some to everyone :)

my boys are 4 and 3.

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I know exactly how you feel. What we've started to do with my husbands side of the family is gift cards. Maybe buy a $10 gift card to Toys R Us and send a cute little Halloween treat with it. We do this for the smaller holidays then send a $25 gift card at Christmas. This way your sister in law can take him shopping and he can pick out whatever he wants! My daugher is 4 and she LOVES getting her 'credit cards' as she calls them.

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I have had this problem in the past and your mother is right. STOP buying for your nephew. He has enough and you should not feel obligated to buy a gift for him. She will get the hint...may take a few times but she will get the hint. Do not feel bad about it if she continues to buy for your dauther. Just stop buying for her son...he doesn't need anything anyway. Another option is to buy him a savings bond that will mature in 15 to 20 years. I have heard of that approach also.

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Ok you want to do nice by the child right.. or do you want to be able to give the child a gift because your child will get one...
If it is just about giving gift and you do not like mom much go for finger paints.. markers (non washable)... sidewalk paint.. anything loud and messy...farting goo... a bucket of 1001 military men...loud firetruck..swords that make noise..an music instruments.. all of these will make child happy.. and get under moms skin. A gift card to toys-r-us always takes a kid hours to choose what he wants...and is fun.
If you want to give him something, and not annoy mom ..but he has everything.. start with savings bonds or a gift certificate for a free panio lesson or two.. Something unique. Maybe also sign him up for the magazine Zoo books.. or another type of childrens book club.
I do understand..my inlaws have very little to do with us..do not invite us anywhere.. last year for christmas I gave their boys marshmello guns..toy guns thet shoot real marshmellos all over the house....who knows about this year...maybe car or plane models with glue and paint.

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Same situation here, except its my best friend who does the buying....what I do now, and it has worked, is send him a cute halloween card in the mail. Kids love mail! That way you did "something" and you didn't have to be there to hear the rude comments, etc. My BF got the hint and quit going overboard every time/holiday, etc. NOw she sends cards too. It used to annoy me so bad because I am one to always reciprocate and it got to be too much stress & money after awhile. Not only that, my BF AND her kid started to expect it. Took the joy out of giving! Good luck and remember that you can't buy love or happiness. Your nephew will not hate you because you didn't buy him something and who cares what your SIL thinks?? Sounds to me like you are maybe trying to keep the paece by reciprocating. Let her think and say what she wants...I'm sure, if she's like my SIL, she will anyways, regardless of your gifts! (PS: She sounds rude, after what you said about her laughing when you gave her son that gift.....)

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I just recently moved to San Antonio and now live near my niece (4 yrs old) and my cousins (youngest being 5 yrs old), so Im not used to having them around for holidays like Valentines day or Halloween. Both of them also have everything they want or need,,so I say its more the thought that counts. Put some time into the gift,,maybe put together a little gift bag of candy, jewelry, fake tattoos, etc, things that kids like. OrientalTrading.com has some great little trinkets and gift ideas. They also have crafts that kids can do, maybe he would like that. We dont have the extra money to buy the kids gifts on every holiday, so something little and creative is what I plan on doing. And if she still wants to buy your kids big gifts then let her. Good Luck with everything!

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I think that if you don't really want to get him gifts for every holiday, then don't. It doesn't really matter if she quits buying your daughter gifts. Its the fact that you don't really want to buy him a gift everytime. Its really up to you. So if I was you I would stop doing it now before they expect it from you.

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You shouldn't feel pressure to give gifts. They should come from your heart. If you feel compelled to buy a gift then it's not truly sincere. If you just have to buy one, as your sister-in-law what he needs or what has he requested before you make a purchase. Talk to her about how you feel and come to some sort of compromise.

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J.,
It is really hard when you have to sit back and just watch poor parenting skills, isn't it!! I know how you feel.
If I were you, I'd just stop buying him things. If he has everything, why bother? Accept what is given to your daughter and model appreciativeness.
YOU take control of the situation without words. Stop buying gifts. I mean, who has a gift exchange on holidays like that???
I've never heard of that in all my life.
You go girl!!! Take the reins...

:)
S.

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Hello; My name is M. and your ad caught my eye. I'd like to think that I'm also a person who seems to get along with everyone, but the truth is there will always be THAT ONE PERSON with the exception to the rule. Interesting situation, I'd love to add my two cents. First of all, I would advice to keep in mind the principal of the story which is "the children". I'm sure your daughter may look forward to the gifts she does recieve during the holiday. Remember that a gift is an expression of love, caring, ect.. Here is my take. If your sister-in-law continues to offer gifts have your daughter cherish the moment. I suppose it is only your own concience whether you'd like to offer one to your nephew. I would suggest when you think of offering a gift keep the nephew in mind, not his mother. Boys will be boys! (I have 3) and words of rudeness seem to slip out all the time..., but if he seems to have it all and you'd like to offer a gift, I'd suggest something a little more personal. A nice bag of homemade cookies or goodies just for him made by you. He may love your cookies and have her wondering about her cooking :)ha- On a serious note, It is silly that those you are closer to miss out on your gift offerings. Children grow up to remember all the little things in life!!!
Hope it works out for you and take care mom.

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I have several neices and nephews also and only buy for a few as the ones who act ungrateful and unappreciative I get nothing for. I know that sounds mean but you need not feel like you should return the favor.
I tell my family that I buy gifts for the ones Ifeel deserve a gift. Acting like a spoiled brat does not constitute earning a gift. MY husbands family thinks that's rude of me but they do the same thing. They buy for others but not for all.
If you feel you need to buy him a gift out of obligation just make him a little goody bag with Halloween treats. Use some candy some coloring books crayons pnecils whatever you think he needs for school or activity.
Show him he doesn't have to always get something for nothing.

I just joined & your ? was the first thing I saw. I have one of those sister-in-laws too! What I would do if it were me is just call her up & tell her that you feel bad because you do not exchange gifts with your neices & really do not want to spend the money for all the kids, so why don't we just not exchange gifts for Halloween & Valentines. You're right it is rather silly to buy gifts for those Holidays. There are so many in my family, that we only do it on Christmas & birthdays. If you put it on something else besides your nephew not appreciating it, then it shouldn't hurt her feelings. Hope that helps.

Me personally, I wouldn't get him anything. Whether or not your sister in law gets your daughter anything. If she chooses to get your daughter something that is her choice, it should be your choice if you get your nephew anything. Don't feel pressured to get anything. Especially considering he wasn't appreciative of the gift last year. I am like you, I don't feel those are holidays that you buy for others, your kids are one thing. With of course the exception of candy. I don't know, I tend to have a different outlook on it than most people though. I wouldn't get a gift certificate, gift or anything for your nephew. I don't want it to sound rude or inconsiderate but those just aren't holidays I buy for. Unless you personally want to buy for him then do it. Trust your own instincts, don't let anybody pressure you into doing anything.

sounds like he has a lot of things but not lots of love or friendships. it would seem like if you played with him he would probablly come around and then he would maybe appreciate any gift from you. Kids just mainly want attention. Next time you get together try this, blow some bubbles for your baby and when he comes around have him try to catch the bubbles when he catches one praise him and you will see that this will do wonders.

My brother's wife and I have never really gotten along either... we did have a falling out a year ago and it really hurts the children. Your nephew is 4. He dosent have tact yet. You know you have opened a gift and thought oh great... Maybe dont spend another 20. Maybe have your daughter make something for him, some kind of crafty thing, or have her pick out an action figure for him. The fact that she picked it out may not mean alot now to your nephew, but I bet it will to your sister-in-law. My sister-in-law is just now talking to me again. A year without my brother was horrible and my youngest niece barely knows who I am. Take one for the team and put up with her. Your nephew should grow out of it.

Hi J.,

I think the majority of us have "that" relative. I certainly do. Sounds like your nephew has plenty of negative behaviour to follow, so maybe you can be the positive influence. Perhaps a small token of love (rather than a purchased gift) could be in order. For example, find something that he does well or something he has said or done nicely and play on that. My niece (who is my analogue to your nephew) loves flowers. So whenever gift-giving time comes around I'll take her to the park, or a field, or sometimes to Sams and let her make a bouquet. When weather hasn't permitted I've baked cupcakes and decorated a couple with flowers especially for her or found a book of flowers. Her mom never takes the time to figure out something my son would really like, she views gift-giving as all about the $$ spent. Anyway, just a thought. And good luck!

J.:

I've been in this same situation, including the fact that my sister-in-law HATES me, and I've never understood why, I seem to get along with so many different kinds of people. I think she feels threatened by me, but I'm not sure why. Anyway, why don't you just call her up and say, politely, that you really appreciate how thoughtful she's been in the past, giving gifts to your child, but because you know that taking the time to buy gifts, stressing about them being right, having to buy for others as well, etc. (you can fill in the blank here, whatever you think she'll buy) how about we not exchange gifts anymore? We've done this with my "out-laws" and it has worked beautifully. Now, the only time we exchange gifts is at the children's birthdays and Christmas, and only for the children. We've stopped giving gifts to the adults. I hope this helps!

If you feel the need to buy for him, then that's your personal choice. Don't do it because your s-i-l does it. I personally, wouldn't do it. Not even a gift card or donation to a charitable anything. Give at Christmas and birthday and that's all he needs. You'd probably run into the same issue of getting him something he already has and be laughed at then. Why distress yourself more times durning the year?

Maybe you could buy him a shirt or outfit instead of toys. Boys always need clothes. I somehow get the impression, though, that his mother likes buying for your child, and doesn't really expect anything back. I am that way myself. I buy gifts for other children in the family, and having them reciprocare is the furthest thing from my mind, even though sometimes they do. My own mother, also, used to call and ask mothers of children that she wanted to buy gifts for, if there was anything special that they NEEDED to receive at this time. This way, she did not buy toys, if the child really needed new clothes, or something for school.

Hi J., ICKY STICKY In-law/Out-law situations!!! EEEK!! My personal opinion is: I would not have started buying gifts for Halloween. Fall Festivals and Candy is all the entertainment need. Valentine....well....a little something is alright...but here again candy is really what they are looking for. Christmas!!! Yes!!! They are looking for gifts. BUT, don't forget the reason for the season. We always buy something, wrap it and give it to someone who can't afford Christmas. I hope the best for you. I think I know what you are going through. Happy Day!!! Deborah

I know you have received alot of advice and ideas...here's one more...

How about buying him a book. Not just any book but a keepsake. The PERFECT book comes to mind: The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.

When I have to buy for kiddos who I know have a ton of toys I usually get them educational items and keepsakes...(goes for adults too). It also shows the recipient or recipients parent's that you put thought into the gift and didn't just go out and buy something because you felt you had to.

My 2 cents...
J.

Im with your mother...sorry...but being a kind hearted person as i see that you are...the gift certificate is the way to go.
But his mom needs to be put in check, how rude of her to laugh after her son said something like that to you....children become the product of their parents and attitudes like that will rub off on him. He will not appreciate anything ppl tryin to do for him...thats really sad.....and your bro-in-law needs to get that under control...

It sounds like you are angry with your SIL. Please don't take it out on a four year old child. When he said that he already had the gift that you gave to him, he wasn't trying to be ungrateful, he was telling you the truth. A four year old is still growing and learning how to act appropriately, your nephew simply doesn't have the cognitive ability to inherently understand that what he did was rude. While I think his mother should have explained it to him, I don't think you should hold it against him, he is just a child.

If you feel uncomfortable giving gifts, you should explain this to your SIL in private. It may be that she wants to give a gift to your daughter b/c she enjoys doing it, not b/c she expects you to do the same thing for her son. Also, a four year old does not know how much a gift costs..if you spend $2 or $20, he will most likely enjoy it, and if he has it already, give a gift receipt so that he can get something else, or give him candy type treats. Also, it really isn't your place to decide that he has too many toys, you should feel happy for him that his parents are able to provide as much for him that they do.

Hi i was in the same situation a few yrs ago. my sister n law did the same things to my children. at the time she only had one child and she was spoiled rotten as well and very uncontrollable. she would invite my daughter over to play and then tell everyone that my daughter was horrible and that she did not listen at all. it upset me very much, so i informed her that it was her child. anyway around the holidays i buy all the children in our family gifts for christmas, halloween, valentine, and easter. not for one but all the children in the family. not that i am expecting the best for my kids butif i purchase something for your child then please show some appreciation for the gift and correct them if they say that they did not like it, it is common courtesy and the price of the gift does not matter it is the thought that counts.
just inform her that it really bothers you. hope i helped out in any way.

haven you thought about making a charitable donation in your nephew's name. When you give him the acknowledgment you can make a card that tells how many lives he will change. you can also talk to your SIL and ask her if she will join you. You can each make a $10 gift in the kids names and tell the kids now many people they helped that way. It teaches them to think about others. There are many women's shelters, childrens' food organizations, Maybe you guys can agree to "adopt" a foreign child for a year and share the expense.

May you always have enough,
C.

TOTALLY stop buying for the nephew. If this lady (how can anyone call her your SIL- that implies a relationship!) buys presents for your daughter, I would politely give them back stating "Sorry (insert name here), my daughter already has more toys than she can play with, but we appreciate the kindness." It's very nice but it gets a message across as well. JMHO

I would actually call her (I know you are not close sorry!) and just tell her that you think they should stop buying for small holidays like that. Just explain to her that you do not want to set that as a standard for the kids that they get gifts for those holidays too. Then, if she continues to give gifts to your daughter....that is her choice. You have already said you wanted to stop it. Good luck with this.

hi jana ,
i believe in keeping the peace in the family , you never know when you'll be thrown together .....what i would do for the child who has everything and seems not to appreciate anything is give him a gift card to books a million ....the gift of literature last an entire life time ....too many toys can be overwhelming ...i believe they are never too young for books and you can never have enough ....this way he can pick out what he likes ......i would love if someone gave me or my children a card for a bookstore ....it's all about education ....right ....

like our dear old president said "is our children getting an education" haaaa ....maybe g.w. will get a b.a.m. card from me this year ...

anyway like i said i'd try and keep the peace ...20 is a bit extravagant for halloween but since you've started to reciprocate i wouldn't just stop ...once upon a time i had an evil sil ...it would have been well worth the 20 bucks to keep her ill temper at bay ...life is too short for drama ....
anyway ...i hope you work it out ...i just thought i'd suggest books ....

peace to you

I think gifts given out of compulsion and not love are rediculous. And worrying that your gift does not equal the same monitary value as anothers is even stranger. Gifts are supposed to be about showing someone you care and not about showing someone how much you spent. But, as for children, while they should continually be taught good manners, it should be expected that you will get an honest reaction to a gift. Its just the way children are.
On another note, I have a four year old and what she likes more than most toy gifts, is candy. And the best thing about candy is, its pretty cheap. So, maybe that will help you. Take care!