Not Sure What Can Be Done

The other women here have given great advice, but I just wanted to add that IF everything goes well, and he does manage to get this particular job back, a heart-felt apology to the guy he offended may go a long way in making a smooth transition back to work there.

Hi K.,

Before too much time passes your son SHOULD appeal the firing. If the job is part of a union, he should contact his union representative. If not, he should call the Human Resources office and ask about the process to appeal the termination.

You are correct your son should apologize for his behavior. It is never too late to begin to learn socially acceptable behavior and apologizing is a really good start. It will help your son understand how his comment affected someone else. If the situation is too heated it may be best if he apologizes in writing. Tell him to make it simple. For example:

Dear ________, I am very sorry I hurt you feelings. I have always considered you a good friend. You have been kind to me and I miss our friendship. I will try to be more sensitive in the future.

Sincerely,

__________

Too much information could be used against your son, but no apology at all avoids taking responsibility for his actions. Also many people start out apologizing and end up blaming the person they have offended for their actions. Don't make excuses, just say sorry.

While following these actions won't necessarily get your son his job or his friend back, at least he will be able to hold his head high and he will have had an opportunity to fend for himself and deal with a difficult situation. All very good lessons and an opportunity for growth. God Bless and best wishes.

J. L.

Hi K., From your posting, I do not know how old your son is or his level of disability. My daughter with Down Syndrome is still in high school, and I really haven't gotten to the phase beyond high school, so it is difficult for me to advise. So, what I'm tell you is kind of a guess. I would contain the DMR and possible Mass Rehab. I'm not sure exactly where you live, but possibly you could contact someone at North Shore Arc in Danvers for a start. They may be able to point you and your son in the right direction. Good luck.

Hi K.,
Does the business where your son was working have an HR department or even an HR person? If so, I would recommend calling them and talking to them about what recourses he might have.

Has your son ever been diagnosed with a specific problem? If not, maybe you can get him diagnosed. if he has a disability, then he would be protected under the American Disabilities Act. My instinct from listening to your description is something on the Autism spectrum.

I have a United Way handout that lists a LOT of helpful groups. It might not hurt for you to try:
Center for Individuals with Disabilities 1-800-462-5015
MA Association for Retarded Citizens ###-###-####
MA Agency for Mental Health ###-###-####
MA Agency for Disabilities ###-###-####

good luck,
A.

K.- I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through with your son. I have a younger brother who has dealt with social anxiety issues and has had a hard time at workplaces because he has been misunderstood. It's so hard to watch when you know them so well and know they don't mean to come across a certain way...

As far as the therapy, I'm a huge advocate and have been to therapists in the past myself. They have always been a huge help. There are some therapists who are willing to charge on a sliding scale...I had a woman charging me $30 a session at one point b/c that is all I could afford without insurance and she had a big heart. I would say that it is certainly worth doing some research and making phone calls...it is an investment into his well being that he will carry with him for the rest of his life!

best wishes.

Try this website below to get some health insurance help for your son so that he can see a therapist and get whatever help he needs: "Health insurance Dependent Status Young adults' ability to attain and secure health insurance coverage for .... child under the age of 25, or a dependent child of any age who is disabled.
Website: www.ncsl.org/programs/health/dependentstatus.htm
Good luck!

Hi K. - I say first, call the Labor Board in Concord, NH (If this is your state, if not, in your state). Find out what can be done. Maybe nothing, but it's worth a shot.

Next, call the state level again and see if there are programs that will help your son get and keep a job.

In NH, there is the PLUS company. You don't say what state you are in, but with a little research, you will find help and support.

I have a sister that has an IQ of 85. She's been able to become an over the road truck driver and does very well at it! Yes, her mouth gets her in trouble as well, and she has lost jobs for bad social decisions, but she always seems to find another.

One last thought is to contact your local community college and see if they can help or direct you....

Just keep looking and searching. Don't think for anyone or make decisions for them (i.e. it's too expensive, we won't get any help, etc....)

Good luck!

I'm not sure what can be done, but I think that whether your son returns to this job or finds a new one, he might benefit from the help of a job coach/counselor. So many people out there do not understand what it means to have a "hidden disability" and how that affects people's behavior. Unfortunately, that puts the onus on your son. If, as you say, the boss wanted to get rid of him, I think it might be best if he did not go back there. Try calling Merrimack Valley Works in Haverhill and getting him involved with that organization, part of what they do is trying to get people like your son gainfully employed and help to give them the supports they need. Good luck.

If your son had an IEP with a documented disability, he should have maybe transitioned on to a 504 plan that would be a legal document that would apply to the workplace. The document could be brought to the employer who would then be legally bound to follow it. the document would detail the disability and what accomodations should be done to help your son maintain employment. I personally would start this process then once done, try to look for a different job that would hire him with the understanding that he has a disability and accomodations.
From a 7th grade special needs teacher

this may be a blessing in disguise... maybe there is another work enviroment that may be more suited for your son re evaluate his skills maybe their is something he is more suited to do I'm so sorry you feel like you have failed him it sounds like you have been proactive you can not blame yourself for your childrens mistakes god has a plan trust and pray there is a sliver lining K. d

Check into the Am. with Disabilities Act. If an employee (your son) informs his/her employer that he/she has a disability, then the employer has to make accommodations for him/her. If, however, the employee never told the employer that they had any disabilities, then the employer can rightly fire them for any reason they would fire any other employee, despite what they may find out after the firing.

Hi K.,
I'm so sorry you and your son have to experience this----I don't know if you are familiar with AANE----Asperger's Association of New England-----they have a website www.aane.org and the woman who runs it is Dania Jekel. I'd give her a call and tell her what happened and see what resources she can get for you. My sister in law works for an agency that helps people with all types of disabilities get and maintain jobs---I can ask her to send you a response as well---she may also know some people who can help. Don't get discouraged---we'll figure something out :)
Kim

Hi K.,
Read your letter and am responding to send you and your son blessings of light and love! Try calling this #1-800-852-3388, it is NH help line, they might give you some advice for a therapist for your son. Good Luck L. P.

Hello K. -

Does your son have asperger's syndrome or some other form of PDD. If he has a mental health or retardation diagnosis, you could apply for services through the Dept of Mental Health or the Dept of Mental Retardation. If he does have asperger's syndrome you might want to go online and look for a parent's support group. If your son is planning to appeal his firing, you may want to look into the American's With Disabilities Act. The Massachusetts Rehabilitation Commission may also be a resource for your son as they provide job training, counseling and would be able to help him with a job search if he qualifies for their services and it sounds to me like he does. I'm a mental health clinician and although therapy may be useful for your son, he might better be served by an agency that could provide case management such as the one's I mentioned above. Best of Luck - M.

I have a similar son who had a co-worker complain of sexual harassment. My son honestly didn't know what she was referring to. The problem with employment law is that his disability wasn't known to the employer so they could make accommodations. Yes, these kids are unfairly treated and school doesn't prepare them for the real world.
Cognitive behavior therapy should be tried, when the insurance appears. It's not clear if he's over 19 and still on your policy. Social Security is much more receptive to autism based claims than it used to be. Get him properly diagnosed and see if he can get on disability, which will help with treatment and with helping employers understand him. Also, try Walgreens, whose CEO has an autistic child and is trying to make his company receptive to Aspergers and special needs kids. I hate to say this, but

I think that if you feel you son's boss was looking for a reason to fire him them maybe it's time to find another job. If you work to get him his job back this guy is just going to be resentful and make it h*** o* your son. It might be a good idea though to go back to the company and smooth things over in order to get a good reference for the next job. You and your son should also be up front and honest with the next employer reagarding his disability so that they can be aware.

As far as the therapy goes just keep looking for someone who will work with your budget. I'm sure if you let them know your situation you'll find someone who would be willing to let you work out a payment schedule or something. You might also try going through social services. If he has a disability he might be able to qualify for medicaid insurance to help cover the cost.

Connecticut has an agency called the Bureau of Rehabilitation Services. They help adults with disabilities obtain employment and provide any necessary services. I am sure there is an equivelant in your state. I am a special education attorney who represents children in education matters so I'm not overly familiar with adults, but that's a good place to start. If your son is not yet graduated, you can obtain many vocational and transitional services through the public school system.
Good luck!

Appealing the firing may be done within the company (go to the Human Resources Department) unless he was in a union (doesn't sound like he was, but if so, go to the union rep). If it's a small company without an HR department, then it's a legal option BUT it doesn't sound like you want to incur the expense of a lawyer. You could check with your local or state Legal Aid for free advice.

Depending on the extent of his issues, he may be covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). You and he could contact the state Commission Against Discrimination to find out - there is no fee. Try a 3-way call because he should be on the phone but you may be able to give info. Maybe you should call first to get info. Otherwise he needs to treat this as a learning experience, find another job with a more understanding boss, and try to figure out how people take the remarks he makes. It's good that he wants to apologize, and I think he can still do that.

Not sure where you live but in NH you could call ServiceLink. They provide all sorts of referrals and resources to adults with disibilities. Every call is confidential and free. There is never a wrong question. Their number is 866 634 9412. They are wonderful people who could probably direct you to an agency in your area if you are out of state.

There are so many ways that you can go with this..But i have a few questions first..when your son was hired, did he check off or put on his application that he has a learning disability???Was he hired with the job knowing that he had some issues????
So first things first...Go to the state labor board and file a complaint in the state that you live in....Next the reason i asked the 2 questions above is, if the employers knew that you son had some issues then look up in the phone book for ADA and see if they can help you.
Your son will have to make the phone call not you...There is also the office of protection and advocatcy/spelling? I know that they have a office in Hartford, Ct but then again your son will have to make the phone call not you...I do have one last question for you, if the company was willing to answer your questions why will they not help you get your son's job back????

I am not sure if my comments will help you but these 2 places would throughly investigate this for your son...I have used ADA of Hartford many years{13} ago, they helped me with a bus issue...that got fixed immediatly after i told the school system that i had called them and what they were offering to do...it was an immediate at the time $2,000.00 fine for them/ADA coming out and stepping on the school property...all i wanted was my son at the time to be dropped off in front of the school and not made to walk thru the parking lot because of his safety issues for his disability

I truely do not know how it works these days and i really do not personally want to get involved with your situation but i do wish you luck and know that there are places that help young adults out that have issues...your son might just qualify for state assistance..call your local DDS office and see if he qualify's for a case manager

I'm not sure where you are located but a good source to contact may be Vermont Parent Information Center, www.vtpic.com . Although they deal mostly with infant - High School, they also have transition planning for young adults going into the workforce. People there should be able to point you in the right direction and/or provide direct support around law, workplace, and learning challenges.
M. P

I work in Human Resources and there are a few things that you can do. I'm not sure what your son's comment was but I don't think that all is lost. First, are you son's employers aware that he has a disability? Maybe they need to be made aware of this. I don't want to say that your son has been discriminated against since again, I'm not sure of his comment. Your son should have been counseled about why his comment was inappropriate and given a written warning. Employers need to establish a pattern of insubordinate behavior prior to firing. If this was your son's first misstep - he should definately appeal. Good luck.

If he is an adult, you have no choice but to honor what your son wants..... If he wants a therapist, exhaust every resource trying to find him an affordable, decent solution - work with him. I would make him responsible for the cost, too. If he wants to leave the work place firing behind, you must honor that as well. Your son needs to find a way to stand on is own two feet without you..... easier said than done, right? God bless.

Is your son willing to find out about the appeals process at work to find out how to get his job back? It seems like the fact that he made a comment wouldn't be a fireable offence - maybe a warning or something. It could be that if he goes through the greivence process he might have a case.
You mentioned that he had IEPs throughout school. Was there an agency that helped him get his job? You could try BRS or OPA in Hartford.
Good luck!

Hi K.,
I don't have any good advice, but I did just want to say hang in there.
I'm sorry things are so hard for you and your son. I hope there is some way to get him support so that he can integrate a little better. I expect that time will also help him mature! Thinking of you both...

Well that depends on some things.First you mentioned that your son has had an iep since three yrs old.
Was he ever given a special education student status?
iF SO DEPENDING ON WHAT STATE you live in and how old he is ,he may be eligible for special services.
Also did he go while growing up to a regular Dr that will have records of your comments and concerns with him?
I am no Dr but perhaps your son has multiple disabilities or challenges.Could he have ASPERGERS SYNDROME OR ADD,ADHD,or a learning disability that went undiagnosed by the school.
Sometimes,some schools are hesitant to diagnose because there budget won't allow for the services and if you don't know how to advocate for your son.They won't do it for you for a number of reasons.
Now that he is of age I would call your city and state gov't to see if he qualifies for insurance.
Also there are sometimes schools or hospitals in your area that may have studies going on.And you may be able to get him tested to see if he qualifies for special services.If not you should do it anyway when he does get insurance.
I have an 18yr old and a 6yr old who personality wise are very different.
My son is ADD the really slow methodical creative perfectionist.I nick name him Molasses between my husband and I.He is very bright doesn't appear to have anything wrong and he doesn't it's just that he learns differently.And that voice that usually censors us.HE NEVER HEARS IT!!!TOO DARN DISTRACTED AND ENGULFED....Makes me Crazy sometimes.He happens to listen to RAP music and this is a kid who can sit for hours without blinking and watch NOVA ON PBS AND ANIMAL PLANET .He has alot of info up in there,but is singing a song with inappropriate lyrics while being spoken to.And he is giving eye contact.He gets in trouble in school and suspended.
Believe me counseling alone doesn't always do the trick.It's that, and different therapies like bio-feedback,special diet,and some times therapy at the eye doctors (for add).
Also I realize I'm all over the place right now sorry.You can see if there is an educational consultant in your area that is willing to give you an opinion.It would be best to have all copies of your iep's in order.
I hope this is somewhat helpful,I wish you and your son the best of luck as I know how trying it can be.
You may want to check on the CHADD organization they have a magazine and you may find some ideas or resources there.
Ok I'll stop,I keep remembering more.
Roni707

My older son has similar issues with social interactions. At some point there isn't much a parent can do but stand by supportively and let his/her child find their way. Hopefully, you are not at that point quite yet.

I don't know if you should help him figure out how to appeal his firing or to help him find a job that is a "better fit".

Help him find someone to talk with - but help him find someone who can work with his particular issues. There are many counselors that have sliding scale fees for their therapy sessions. Clinics are also a help. Perhaps finding a social worker who can help with other services too?

It sounds like he might need a job coach - through a licensed program or a school. If he is under 21, he might still qualify for public education services, providing he's had iep's all through high school. He might need to spend sometime finding the right employment environment.

Hi K., Lots of good advice here. I wanted to echo that AANE (Asperger's Association of New England) is a wonderful resource for both you and your son to hook up with. There is also a website, http://www.forwardmotion.info/, which is career counseling and assistance for individuals with disabilities, particularly when something like this has come up. They were at the AANE annual conference and sound like a wonderful resource. I wish you both luck in deciding what avenue to pursue.

S.

Dear K.,

I feel your pain as a mother and I want to encourage you to continue to look for help for your son even though he is no longer a child.

Please do not take this question wrong....but has your son ever been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome? The reason I ask is he sounds so much like someone with AS and there is help. Google Asperger's Syndrome first and see if he fits the criteria then go to ww.AANE.org, the Asperger's Association of New England...there are terrific resources listed there.

Blessings,

G.~~~
wife of Rob with AS and mother of two daughters with AS, ages 18 and 12....plus two more a son age 20 and daughter 13.

Hi K.,
I don't have legal advice per se but you may want to start with the HR department to determine what their harassment and anti-discrimination policies are. Based on their written policy, you may be able to convince the hiring/firing manager that your son's comment doesn't fit the definition and request that he reconsider. HR should also be able to tell you exactly what steps you need to take to appeal the decision to fire your son. Hope this helps.