My son is in 4th grade. Today he came home from school excited to show me the toy his friend had lent him for the night. This "toy" turned out to be a flint and steel, one of those with the wheel so you just press the button and it produces sparks. I did not yell at him or get him in trouble because he clearly did not know or understand what it was, but I did explain to him that a flint and steel is for starting fires and is basically a lighter. I told him that I could not in good conscience send him to school with a lighter so he could return it to his friend, especially not knowing the kids. I feel fairly certain that my son would be able to bring it to school and not start a fire, but I have no idea about this other kid, he did bring it to school in the first place after all.
I decided to confiscate it and told him to tell his friend that his mother found it and confiscated it and that if he wanted it back his parent would have to come pick it up at my house because I was not sending it back to school. Now my son is afraid the kid will think he stole it or will be angry with him, which I don't want of course. Am I being overprotective and paranoid here or am I doing the right thing?
B, I am not sure what that toy is you posted but this is not that, this is a flint and steel wheel, its intended and only purpose is to start fires and it does so very well. It is very similar to the one we use when camping.
The reason I had not planned on bringing it to the school office was because I did not want the boy to get in trouble with the school for bringing a lighter to school in the first place. Although I admit I am not 100% positive whether or not a child would get in trouble for a lighter.
This is my younger son.
After some thought I decided not to send the item to school and to have the boys parents contact me to arrange to have it returned or picked up if they so wish. I did have every right to confiscate it because it was in the possession of my child in my home. I am guessing his parents did not know he took it in the first place, but I could be wrong I suppose. With the fires that destroyed many homes in our area this summer I don't think his parents would be okay with him treating this item as a toy.
As for those that suggest that my son took this item, that is just stupid. If you lent an item to someone and they did not return it would you not think they stole it? That is what my son is afraid of, that his friend might think he lied about me keeping it, or that he might be mad my son showed it to me if he knew this was something he should not have had at school in the first place.
I think I would have made him give it back and be done with it.
If you know the mother, maybe send her a quick note just to let her know that he brought it to school, and leave it open so she can do what she wants with it (maybe she doesn't care).
But I don't think I'd go so far as to keep it and make the other person's mom come get it. If that were me, and I wanted it back, I'd be really annoyed.
I'm a teacher and I can say with certainty that it would not be allowed in school. I know you don't want to get the boy in trouble, but at the same time, I think the school needs to know it happened. How would you feel if you didn't say anything and the boy brought another one later and started a fire? I also think you need to say something to the school because as far as you know this might have been a one time thing, but there also could be a pattern of behaviors that you don't know about. This kid could already be on the radar for reasons you don't know and this incident could be more serious than it appears. I'm speaking from experience having had a student who stole some matches and was lighting them in the bathroom that was in my classroom.
I would call the school and ask to talk to the school counselor or school social worker. Explain the situation and ask what they suggest you should do. They will contact the individuals who need to know what is going on. The also will keep things confidential. They will talk to the student and will be able to help the student. Don't contact the parents. Let the school counselor do it. Don't send the item to school with your son. Even though it isn't his, he will be guilty by association because of no tolerance policies.
I wouldn't ask my kid to deal with this. Really, I would take it off his plate. "Thanks for showing me this. It isn't a safe thing to play with and I'm going to give it back to Friend's Mom/Dad." That's all that needs saying. Kids sometimes share contraband items to look cool. Kids also sometimes don't really think of the consequences of using or sharing these items, and sometimes the parents don't know they are being taken to school. If this is a child whom you've heard about from your son as being in trouble a lot or having problems, yes, it would be wise to drop a line to the teacher or guidance counselor.
I will say this: it really depends on the kid. Last year, there was an out of control child who brought a pocket knife to school and showed it off to some peers. My son and his friend told the counselor, who was their 'friendly adult' to tell, because they know that it's not allowed-- but also because this kid was a threat on a regular basis. I can also tell you that if a child who was just interested in camping was naive and wanted to share their tools-- sort of a different situation. That's when a parent can intervene effectively. It really depends on the children involved, but I would definitely not bring my kid into it. I would handle it because it's my job as an adult to do the uncomfortable stuff, whether it's with the parent or the school admin.
I think giving it to the office in a paper bag and tell them that it was a toy that your son borrowed from a friend, but you know it isn't appropriate for school, and you would like to give it back to one of the other kid's parents. That way the parents don't have to track you down, and they will eventually end up at the school at some point right?
I would email the teacher and let her know about the exchange. I would see if she wanted me to send it back in with my child, or if I should hand carry it in myself. That way the teacher/administration can return it to the parents.
I wouldn't make my kid deal with it, but I would tell him we don't trade toys at school, even if it's just to borrow. We play with each others toys at home when they are hanging out, but that's it.
I would put it in a bag and give it to the school to handle since it exchanged hands there. I would keep the kids out of being put in the middle. Your son should not have to relay messages to the kids mom through the kid. JMO. Good luck.
I think I would probably just send a note with my kid to give to the other kid. Note would just be short and sweet, "Hey there, your son lent my son a flint and steel. While considered "awesome" we also know that schools are going a bit overboard about certain things. My son would like to give back the loaner, but I don't want to send it to school for fear that if either boy got caught with it they could get in trouble. Would it be possible for me to bring it back to your home? Please give me a call at ###-###-####. Thanks!"
She may have no idea her kid brought it to school. She may be horrified. She may think it's no big deal. But then at least you are not confiscating something that is not yours to confiscate and you are giving it back without fear that the kids may get in trouble.
Good luck, L.
whew...this is tough...you live in Alaska - wilderness - so it's something I would expect people to have on-hand and show their kids how to use it.
however, I don't know your school's policy on things and considering where you live - I don't know if this would be considered an issue.
What bothers me is the kid called it a toy. It's not a toy, it's a tool. Your son should have known it was a tool and not a toy if you have used something similar in your camping with him.
I'm stuck - because the "transaction" took place at the school. However, without knowing their policy and you NOT wanting to get the other boy in trouble - I might look up my student directory and call the parents directly. However, if you don't know them??? See - this is where I'm stuck. I guess I'd just call the parents directly and let them know that their son gave my son their flint wheel and they might need it. I wouldn't get into a "well, this certainly isn't a toy" or anything like that - although tempting - but I would just handle it with the parents. Meet them after school. You don't need to go to their home or they come to yours...unless you live in a small enough community.
I would NOT put my son in the position to handle this. Especially if he's afraid the other boy will think he stole it. **THAT ** bothers me. If the other boy GAVE it to him - why on earth would YOUR son go down "he'll think I stole it" path???
ADDED: Based on your SWH I agree that this could be totally blown up by school administration, we've all seen those ridiculous zero tolerance news stories. I would return it directly to the parents in a gentle "thought you might want to know" way. I agree that involving the school might end up hurting both boys. This wasn't a weapon in the sense that they should have known better. Treat it as a teaching moment.
ORIGINAL: In our area a "toy" like that would be considered very dangerous in the hands of an elementary aged kid. We just narrowly escaped a disaster like Northern Cal is dealing with in a wildfire that burned ten homes and many other structures. Locals here are feeling very lucky it wasn't more destructive, even though so many people did lose property.
I guess my point is it's all relative. If you live where I do a flint and steel can easily be a weapon of mass destruction, especially if your boy didn't even understand what it was.
You should return it to the school so they know that it was being passed between kids. Particularly if you live in a dry, fire prone area.
well, i don't know about paranoid, but i don't understand why you don't either just take it to the school, or call the mom if you know her.
it's definitely not a toy, and i understand your concern about it. and i think it's good that you didn't just send it back in, putting your kid at risk for getting in trouble. but i also understand his angst about his friend being angry with him.
it's a school issue, since that's where the item was exchanged. it's not really your place to confiscate it. i'd simply explain to my son that it IS a cool thing but something that should only be used with adult supervision, and that it has to be returned to an adult at the school. the other boy can pick it up there.
it would be a shame if the other kid gets in trouble, but that's not on you either, is it?
khairete
S.
Not sure I would involve the school. Here both kids would be suspended or even worse. I would return it to the child's parent. If you have to, write a note the kid's parent asking that he/she contact you urgently, put in an envelope and give to that kid. My son is also in 4th grade. I know everyone in the class and could contact the parent myself but I have no idea what your situation is...
I would handle it through parents in this case - no need to have both kids have a record!
Well, to be honest, I wouldn't want that parent coming to my door. Instead, I would go to the school and talk to the principal and tell him/her what happened and give it to the principal. This happened at school so the school is responsible for dealing with it. I understand that you don't want to get the kid into trouble, but you'll probably get YOUR kid in trouble with the parent for "stealing". Or you have a jackass show up at your door yelling at you. "No good deed goes unpunished" type of thing...
I would not want to send it back to school, either... I don't know what your school policy is on something like that, but there is major potential for problems... what if either child decided to try it out in the restroom and started a small fire?
I almost would want to go to the school and talk to the counselor about how to handle this situation..... I don't know if I would want an unknown parent to come over to my house to pick up an item like that, either.
It's good that you took it from your son. It would be horrible if they accidentally started a fire with it. I would want to personally hand it back to the parent, especially if this was someone my son was hanging out with. I'd hope that they would be concerned about the danger of it too. I'd also talk to the classroom teacher and maybe even the school principal...he/she will find out from the teacher regardless. While it's all probably harmless, the boys should be spoken to about the safety concern of it. Tell your son not to worry about what the other kid thinks, you're doing the right thing...this is why the classroom teacher needs to know do that she can help if the other boy reacts badly to your son. Guidance counselor can help to. It'll be fine!
Easiest thing would be to drop it back at the kid's house but you don't know where he lives I take it.
When I don't know what the policy is or how best to handle something that happened at school, I just reach out to the teacher. They have years of experience dealing with stuff like this, would know the other parents by this point and child, and could suggest the best thing to do.
I would probably let the teacher know, and have my son take it back - and just touch base after with the teacher to make sure it went ok.
Good luck :)
Why not just get in touch with the kid's parent, explain that you have it and will be glad to return it directly to him or her but won't be sending it into school to give back the child, for obvious reasons. The idea of "confiscating" this introduces the unnecessary rhetoric of conflict.
While I wouldn't be upset about boys that age having a lighter (that is the age I taught my kids to light the campfire), I would be concerned about it being a contraband item at school. I would have just returned it to the kids mom myself.
I had one of those things from a circus years ago.
Maybe I'm thinking of something else.
It was a toy something like this:
http://www.amazon.com/Toysmith-TSM802D-Sparking-Wheel/dp/...
If that's what it is then it's harmless and it's not a weapon of mass destruction.
And you'd have to work fairly hard to get any sort of a fire started with it.
Just let your son give it back to his friend.
It's nothing to worry about.
Just call the kid's mom. Don't involve the school.
" Now my son is afraid the kid will think he stole it"
Considering he can simply explain that you took it from him, this would make me question whether or not the kid actually did 'lend' it to yours. You might want to explore further.
I agree with your plan to hand it to an adult, but don't rely on messaged passed along via the children. If you don't know the kid's parent(s) then it would be better for you to bring it to the school and turn it in at the office so that they can contact the parent.
If you don't know his parents, then ask the teacher to put an envelope in the kid's folder to communicate with them about the return.
Our school wouldn't allow that so I wouldn't send it with my son. Tell your son to tell the kid he or his mom has to come get it from your house. The kid probably forgot about it. Kids seem to give their stuff away and leave it everywhere!
talk to the teacher. find out how she would handle the situation as per the schools rules.
I feel fairly certain that if he was caught with it in front of an adult that you would be getting a call from the school. And that isn't fun. Find out who the parents are and return it to them.
I think you are definintely over-reacting. This is your oldest child I assume? Bpys are boys and they like to be "daring". My bigger concern is that your son is afraid the kid will think he stoler it - which to me means his friend didn't "lend" it to him. That translates to your son took something that wasn't his.
I would call the mom - but more about the fact that both of your sons are doing smoething they shouldn't be doing. The other boy brought something in to school that he thought was cool and wanted to show the other boys - and probably did not have permission to bring. And your son took something he thought was cool that did not belong to him.
They're 9. They've only been on the planet for 9 years. They are learning about actions and consequences. both boys need to learn in a firm but gentle way about the consequences of the actions they took. So call the mom and conspire with her as to how best to deal with your sons. You're different people / families so your approach may end up being very different - but I'd certainly make sure my own son felt the consequense of taking something that didn't belong to him - even if it was just to "borrow" for the evening.
Bottom line is that our sweet children who we love so much will be deceptive when it gets them what they want. Don't fall for it mama.
I'd go in with kiddo next class morning and turn it in at the office. Let them know that another child brought it to school and loaned it to your son who didn't really know what it was. This child could have started a fire that burned the building down around some of the children. Not allowed in any way.
you are not over reacting. If you knew how to get a hold of this family it would be simpler, but it isn't. So i think you do involve the school. is the safest way. for you and your kiddo. if the kid gets angry with you or your son, that will really show you to stay away from that kid in the future. either call the school or walk into the office and explain, do not send it in. and don't make your kiddo tell the other kid.
