24 answers

Not Interested in Sex Anymore.

I have no interest in having sex anymore. I do not believe in playing with toys, and have no desire to watch the sex movies. I enjoy it when we are having sex, but i am not motivated to get it started. my husband has a very high sex drive and i have just lost mine. I am wondering if there is anyone out there that has any advice for me? I am 37 years old.

2 moms found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I am going to try some creams and see how it goes. I want to thank all of you for your help. My hormones and thyroid has all been checked. I have even opted to consider a sex toy. My husband is a very patient man, and would never cheat on me, he was cheated on, and doesn't believe that is a cure for romantic issues. anyways, Thank you again.

Featured Answers

My doctor once recommended trying those breast enhancement pills to up my libido. I never did try it, but I can see how they would help.

This is a common problem. There is a medical center called the Center for Womens' Sexual Health in the medical center in Houston. I know a friend who went there and seemed to be happy with her first visit. You may want to look it up and make an appointment.

This happened to me several years ago when my thyroid got out of control. It took awhile to get my system regulated again through meds, but I'm fine now. I was actually in my early twenties when this happened. You might go to the doctor and get a complete physical.

More Answers

Hi T.-

Who could blame you?! With 5 of your own, and 3 of theirs, who could possibly be thinking about sex?

But it sounds like you are wanting to make sure your relationship doesn't suffer for your lack of drive, that's good! I've been there! In fact some days I'm still there, but it's getting better.

I'm not into toys or movies either- the harder I try to get 'in the mood' the more turned off I get- go figure. And it's not that my husband isn't attractive- he is really handsome- and he's really sweet too, so it's definitely not something he is or isn't doing which is causing me to be turned off. It's just that I'm tired all the way down to my bones most nights, and I'm fulfilled of my need for affection with kids. In fact I feel I hardly have any affection left to give.

But I've started to regain my sensuality of late. The vasectomy helped, for one thing. Having sex isn't fun if you're scared of getting pregnant!

Then the other major factor- working out. I've been weight training for about two years now, fairly regularly, about 3 times per week. I do a group exercise class at a gym where we lift weights for about one hour. It has made a world of difference in so very many areas of my life I don't think I could list them here, but number one on the list would probably be my sex life. My body has changed quite a bit- more compact, stronger, much more well defined, and lots more muscle mass. All of that makes my metabolism work more efficiently, so I can eat what I want, which is nice. But the leg strength, endurance, and general feeling of well-being are the things which have directly impacted by libido.

I feel so much more sexy now that I look sexier. I think about sex more since I feel sexier. And thinking about it makes me feel turned on, and of course all I have to do is give him the ole eyebrow, and he's ready! It's so cool! Sex doesn't wear me out like before, and I'm not left feeling like I just gave up what little energy I had, rather it gives me a boost. Also as a result of all of this, my preferences have become much more well defined. I've become more vocal about what I do and do not like, and I've become less afraid to try some new things (think-positions).

All of that from a woman who is in peri-menopause at 33, due to having just one (worn-out) ovary. Hormones are a big part of sex drive, and I really think that the bits of testosterone which are released from workouts are in our favor. I find myself feeling more aggressive and confident, and that's just not who I generally am, know what I mean? I'm normally the soft-spoken, introverted one, and I still am that person for the most part. But because of the changes I experienced there's one place I'm not that person- in bed with my husband.

I think that just the time I take for myself has helped too. It's work-out time, which makes it 'me' time. I do something for myself, my body which directly impacts my feelings regardless of school schedules, work, or any other demands I have. All of it stops while I work out. And part of the benefit of a group class is the support you get from instructors and other class participants. They see you often enough, they start to miss you if you're not there, and they'll ask if you're ok the next time you go in. And you'll feel that way about them too, you'll worry if you don't see someone you're used to seeing. That sort of thing.

Another benefit of the group is the instructor tells you what to do the whole time. You get to turn your brain off (for the most part) and focus only on you, which is very different from most of our lives. Being singularly focused on ourselves teaches us how to connect to our inner selves, most of us were not taught that by our mothers. We must forge that deep connection to ourselves to be aware of how we are feeling, what we want, and what moves to do in what ways, for our own particular bodies. Connecting to myself is among the benefits of working out, being with myself, taking care of myself, being selfish about that one hour of my time, be-friending myself, following the advice I would give to a good friend (or another mother in this case) in need, loving myself. These have all come from those simple moves (which started out with almost no-weight on the bar, mind you). Now I bench press about 45 pounds for 5 minutes! Big, huge changes, and they began within a week of going to the gym.

Finally the group-fitness classes force you to stretch and cool-down at the end of the work-out. The importance of doing that critical part can not be over-emphasized. The cool down is for you to stretch and all of that, but also by that point you're so open to yourself, your mind is ready for whatever good thoughts you have to give to yourself. Saying mantras during this very sensitive (but short) time-span is an excellent way to love yourself. If you're lucky, you'll get to know instructors who will facilitate that some for you. But if not, then you can do it for yourself. If you want to know who I go to, I'll tell you, just let me know. Emotions play a huge role in workouts, you self-talk the whole time, and the minute you see some positive results your selftalk will move to a positive tone and you'll feel like a million bucks.

I don't workout for how I look anymore (rather that's just a side-bar benefit). I workout to feel good, to give to myself, and to there-by give my best self to my family. My girls see me taking care of myself, and making that a top priority, and I know they will too later. And my familty sees the result of my positive self talk, and they realize many benefits of that just like I do. My husband would go first on the list of people who would tell you the same!

I hope this helps you. Let me know if you want to go over anywork out stuff, or to know what gym I attend. Remember it's all about you! You deserve to feel good as much as anyone, and certainly as much as the people you take care of everyday!

J.

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with testing hormones, etc.

If you are totally not open to some toys, games and dvd's...which can be clean fun.... You might be surprised!

NO, toys and movies are not "dirty" unless you are programmed that way. If you are programmed that way, then they are not right for you. We are very open about what we like, want, etc and are willing to try new things to spice stuff up!! We are good nice people too, imagine that.

Date night with hubby. My hubby and I have known each other 22 yrs and on New Years Eve will celebrate 19 yrs marriage. We have ALWAYS had date night at least once a week. We have a 12 yr old daughter and I have always had a couple of sitters to rely on (neither of us have family here).

We spend Fri or Sat talking about what we are going to do, where we are going. I start getting "ready" in the late afternoon and then we go out. We go to classy bars (Martini Park, Sullivan's, Hotel Zaza etc), we dance at Carsons sometimes (not a real classy place but you can let you hair down and have fun).

Hope this helps you some.

Susan

1 mom found this helpful

I had this problem when I was pregnant. You just have to do things to you that make it more fun. Or romantic what ever you are looking for. Don't give up on it because you dont want your husband to start looking else where to fulfill the need. unfortunatley it is all to common.

1 mom found this helpful

This is a common problem. There is a medical center called the Center for Womens' Sexual Health in the medical center in Houston. I know a friend who went there and seemed to be happy with her first visit. You may want to look it up and make an appointment.

You know your not alone, some women have complications. My friend had complications during child birth and because of that did not really care if she had sex again, mean while her husband is always asking her about it.

I had both my kids c section, they were just to big and though the above is not what I am dealing with, between husband, two kids, house ,trying to be social and the little sleep I can find......sex some how does always rate high on the things to do.

The best advice is think of what might be causing you to feel this way, the way you feel about yourself, are you tired?...did you have complications? or maybe sex has lost it hmmm thrill. ( if that's the case maybe spice it up! lol )

Your not alone
V

I do not know your age but I am 59 and have no desire but lost two husbands and I believe if they do not get what they want they will lose interest in you. Give them what they want and they will give you want you want. Even if you do not want it. G. W

I went through the same thing after having my son. I spoke to my doctor and he prescribed a lotion that you put on that raises your testosterone levels -normally increasing your sex drive. He explained that it normally worked about 75% of the time. It's worth a try.

Are you taking birth control pills??? They have pretty much killed my libido... until I started exercising... then... WOOOO HOOOO!!!! It only took 3 days.. and it was a rush...

I am sure there are books/sites that have suggestions.

Good Luck!

J.

You don't state your age, but if you're going through menopause, this can happen. Speak to your doctor.

Boy, have I been there!!! :)

Exercise. That is what helped me. It made me feel better about my body, and with all the endorphins that exercise give you, it made me more willing all the way around. It doesn't have to be a lot of exercise... just walk everyday if you want!!

Warning!!! The following is very straight forward!!!

And, before you write off the toys, you really should try a vibrator! :) It is pleasurable for both of you! Plus, it takes some of the pressure off... I used to hate having sex because my husband ALWAYS felt he had to "please" me. While that was great - that just added more pressure for me to "have one" which made it even harder. With the vibrator, it speeds things right along! You can get a small "mini massager" at the dollar store. Trust me. You won't be sorry.

Good luck!
E.

Your sex drive will come back. I think it's natural for this to happen to women. It has alot to do with our everyday life. It could also be something bothering you in your life or how you feel about yourself. Any numerous things can cause this. Maybe you and your husband can take a get away together or a change of atmosphere. Maybe plan a weekend together or think of things when you first met that turned you on. Remember it is all in the mind. I know it will come back. Sincerely, P. Dodd

Are you on birth control? Any birth control with drugs can take away your sex drive sometimes. Depends on what you are taking. I noticed the whole time I was on the pill I was never interested or aroused enough.
I'm afraid to get fixed, that might take it away completely. Not sure about that though.
Ever since I got off the drug type birth control, I enjoy sex more. Even go home and seduce my husband occasionally. He has a drive too. Even when I am not in the mood he is after me. Really have to shut him down there. Make him wait for it rather than have lousy sex, its ten times better when he waits. The only birth control that used a drug that didn't take away my drive was the depo shot.
As for vibrators, never really used one till I married my second husband. My ex bought a cheap bullet one and we hated it. My husband has went out and bought different ones and a few massagers. Still like him better over the toys, there cold!~ He has to heat them up. And I don't like the vibration. The real thing works for me.

Get your thyroid (TSH, Free T3 and Free T4 levels checked as well as other hormones. Women also need some testosterone, as well and low levels can impact your sex drive. Here's a good overview of this problem:
http://www.womentowomen.com/sexualityandfertility/sexafte...

If the link doesn't come through go to the www.womentowomen.com website (and the after menopause title is slightly misleading as this is a fairly general article).

If your doctor won't run those tests for you, you can have them done on your own through this website:
www.canaryclub.org (you register with this website and through them you can order discounted saliva tests that you can do at home). You can also order your own blood tests through www.healthcheckusa.com, BUT blood tests are not as accurate for things like cortisol (adrenal hormone) as the saliva tests.

T.,
If you haven't consulted your doctor, do that first. There are any number of reasons why you could be having this problem. If you aren't deficient in any area, i.e., thyroid, anemia, etc., then perhaps the doctor can check your hormones. You may be starting to go through menopause. There are many physical reasons to rule out first. If none of these, talk to a counselor. It helped me so much. My husband also had a high sex drive, and I just never did. We had to talk, and one thing I told him was to start at breakfast if he wanted to make love that night, because I don't have a light switch. It's more like I needed my battery charged, and zapping me didn't work! Men are sometimes tooo spontaneous, and they often don't think about what we've had to do all day before bedtime. I also found that the more tired my husband was, the more he wanted to make love. It was his relax button. Not so for me! The more you talk to each other, the more relaxed you'll be about the problem. I had to learn that nobody is to blame in a situation like this. We all have our times. Our love-making was never as essential to me as it was for my husband. If you are like that, take heart, because they do eventually stop for one reason or another. My husband is 65 with high blood pressure and diabetes, so we haven't made love in several years. We do enjoy being together and I love not having to perform when I don't feel like it! I hope this helps. I do empathize.
J. B

This happened to me several years ago when my thyroid got out of control. It took awhile to get my system regulated again through meds, but I'm fine now. I was actually in my early twenties when this happened. You might go to the doctor and get a complete physical.

W/o stating your age its hard to tell, but I assume you are fairly young. Im 36 and could conceivabley have grand children.
My question would be if you are taking birth control pills? SOme women, like me, are very sensitive to the sex binding protiens in the pills. Whne i am on the pill, I absolutely cannot bring myself to have sex, and living w "Mr.4x a day would be good", thats just not an option, plus I like sex, so it bothers me when I dont want it.

We have been usinf FAM only for about a year now and I feel much better and we are normally a 4x a week couple. So, its something to look into.

I know some pills are worse than others I was taking Yasmi and apparently after some research I find out its the WORST one for kiling the sex drive.

Youmay look into some hormone cream. My MIL refuses to take HRT, because its just gross :o) so she uses a compunded cream. She is 51 and still very much active :o)

Good luck in your research!

I am dealing with your problem in reverse - I am the one with the high libido. I found this book : The Sex Starved Marriage - at Half Price Books and it has been very insightful for both my husband and me.
Here the online link to the book:
http://books.google.com/books?id=4B4IkZcU56QC&dq=the+...

I am happy for you T.. I had not had a chance to reply, but most of the ladies gave great advice. And despite what one reply said, a vibrator is not "disgusting and a disgrace to marriage". Awfully judgemental that one is. Having and using one will not make you a hedonistic troll that will be bannished straight to hell.

You make the choice that is right for you. Buy a cheap one and if that works, and your not uncomfortable with it, then go to Adam & Eve dot com and move up to a better brand. I prefer a quiet, waterproof one. I also found it helpful that some of the ladies are getting creams prescribed. I will ask my doctor about that for myself. I found that the quieter the vibrator is, the less uncomfortable I am. Weird, I know.

PS, use it for clitoral stimulation. otherwise, it might not do much for ya....

My doctor once recommended trying those breast enhancement pills to up my libido. I never did try it, but I can see how they would help.

Time to check with your ob/gyn. It is probably a hormone thing and can be easily taken care of.

T.,
I too have been having this problem. There is nothing hormonally wrong with me. My OB/GYN asked if there was anything that was bothering me about my hubby, and while I think he is the greatest man on earth...I figured out there was something bothering me. In order to "get over it" I just have to do it. I enjoy sex when we have it, but do not initiate it much at all. I am learning though that if I do not want my hubby getting his pleasure from some other source (whatever form that my take), I must take the initiative to keep him happy. It is really helping to "just do it." Sounds pretty corney, but it works. Hope that helps.

Thats very good that you are NOT interested in movies or toys, how disgusting and a disgrace to marriage is that! I know that when its been a while for my husband and i, i have no urge at all to have sex. I mean, in my head i want to, but my body doesnt feel it. So I will have sex and at first its not all too great, but then it does! As long as we do not go too long without having sex, I do not lose my sex drive. But the longer we go, the easier it is to not feel it. Does that make sense? So maybe you should just try doing it, and through the course of it you will want to. At one point I actually prayed before hand that it would be enjoyable to me. I know that not everyone is a believer in Christ, but the power of prayer is greater than you can imagine! He will answer that prayer too. He wants us to have sex with our husband, thats how he made us!

funny you ask. i JUST went to see my dr about the same situation. my dr said its VERY normal & your body has to kinda get back into the habit. once you do it more often, maybe at times you dont want to, your body will remember & want to do it more often. havent tried it yet, but cant hurt, i guess.

Hey T.. I'm so sorry you're having this problem! There are SOOOO many reasons this can happen, and everyone is different. Based on the fact that you have grandchildren, I would guess that you are 40 or over. That makes biological causes highly suspect.

I would recommend that you get everything checked out- a pelvic exam, pap smear, hormone levels tested (ALL the hormones, including adrenals and thyroid), complete metabolic panel, a fasting glucose test, the works. A good doctor will want to know what you're working with and what the causes are.

If your hormones are just a little off-balance, then something simple like bio-identical progesterone cream might be just the thing. And you might have to change your lubricant.

I personally haven't had your specific problem, but I've had my hormones WAY WAY out of whack before. I worked with my ob/gyn, but also with an acupuncturist. The acupuncture and traditional chinese medicinal herbs she gave me worked wonders.

Of course, this is all assuming that there are no other obvious causes- adultery, loss of a loved one, major life change, huge weight changes, unresolved childhood issues that are resurfacing, relational conflicts, moving, job loss, etc.

When I was trying to get to the bottom of my health problems, keeping a journal of symptoms was very helpful. That way you can notice if they are cyclical, associated with certain other factors. It's kind of like detective work.

But you are worth the time and energy it might take to figure this out! Good for you for not settling for unhappiness, and for sticking to your principles about what you are willing to try. Here's wishing you back to balance again soon!

A.

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