H.M. asks from Brook Park, OH on February 16, 2008
Not Happy in Relationship
I'm a first time mom of a 9 month old little girl, who pretty much makes my world go round. Her father and I have been dating for about 3 years now,we met at a not so pretty phase in my life (I was 22,lots of partying we'll say). About a year into relationship I got pregnant (of course a surprise) which was when of course my lifestyle at the time came to a screeching hault. Which honestly was the best thing for me because I had turned into someone I was not. Our relationship has a not so happy past and I harbor so much resentment because of undiscussed issues. We did the counseling thing for a very short while, but honestly I feel like my mind is made up. I'm simply not in love with him. He's not a super bad guy, but I am in NO way, shape, or form comfortable with him ever taking my little girl over night. Plus his family is a bit wacky. I feel like I'm just staying w/him out of obligation, and just don't know how to leave. I don't think he is in love with me (or is capable of loving for that matter.) But I think he is comfortable as we have been living together so long. I don't want to keep my daughter from her father, but am just terrified she won't be properly cared for when I am not around. Anything? Anyone have any advice at all?
So What Happened?™
Just wanted to thank everyone for the responses. It helped so so much to know I'm not alone, and just have someone to listen. Well what happened? I LEFT!!!! And I couldn't possibly be any happier about it. It looks like it will not be a fun ride with custody, as they're wanting 50-50 and it just won't happen. ("They" as in him and his mother, yes it's sad a 30 year old man needs mommy to coach him through a break up!) I'm sure I'll be needing more advice soon as I'm about to start an ugly custody case. Thanks again mamas!
J.R. answers from Cleveland on February 17, 2008
I was in a similar situation, and I made the tough decision to move on. My daughters were 6 and 3 at the time, and I hated to rock their little worlds, but I knew I was doing the right thing for all of us.
It has been 3 years, and I've neer regretted my decision. My ex has continued to choose alcohol over everything else, so my girls haven't heard from him in 2 years...nor has his family or friends. While that's unfortunate, it's far better than letting his alcoholism affect us on a daily basis.
The bonus: I'm now engaged to the most wonderful guy ever. He's a great father to my girls (as well as his own children). We share the same values, interests and dreams, and I'm happier than I ever imagined. Most importantly, my girls are happy, and they're growing up in a loving, supportive, respectful environment.
D.K. answers from Indianapolis on February 17, 2008
H.. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Life is too short to be unhappy in a bad relationship. There is someone out there for you who can give you what you want in a relationship. Don't settle for less!!!!
1 mom found this helpful
C.L. answers from Indianapolis on February 18, 2008
No one can love a child and take care of them as your own father or mother can. There is no replacement for a parent. As far as - you have to a certain level bear and grin the consequences of your actions. It is not like you do not know this already and have not experienced this. If you really cannot find in your heart to love this man and find any good qualities in him worth being married- then you should let go immediately and work out arrangements w/ him to let him be a part of his childs life. No point living a lie. You and him have to be responsible parents/adults for the sake of your child. You do have to put the child first- its thier future that matters the most and everything you do, say, act out affects them. You will see the affects of your life on them usually around the age of 5 or so. The ultimate decision is yours. You need to be honest w/ your self and your other half completely for the sake of your child. You have to someday give the child a reasonable explanation. Having children means also making sacrifices and being happy;finding your happiness w/ what you have. No other person can make you happy. Only you can!!!!
1 mom found this helpful
D.P. answers from Cleveland on February 18, 2008
Hi H.! Your feelings right now remind me a lot of myself. All you two are doing right now are kicking one another while your both down about your relationship. When I got to the point that it was just completely bringing me down for my daughters sake and my own I left! Where mothers who put are children first and need to realize that putting ourselves first is best for them. Happy mommy makes a happy baby. He is her father and you need to trust him with her(unless her safety was at risk). It was really hard for me at first to leave her for her first overnight with her dad but I knew he loved her and would figure it out on his own. What do you mean when you say his family is wacky, be more specific. 4 months after leaving I got back on my feet on my own and established a life with my daughter I love. Her father and I maintained a good relationship for her with it's ups and downs. When I questioned whether I loved him or he loved me was finally answered thru the seperation. We missed one another and he came back begging on his knees. We now are still great parents while working on our relationship by going out on dates and spending qaulity time together as a family. We still live seperately(my choice)but I know he loves me and I feel the same. We were only together 3 months before I got pregnant! My daughter is now 19 months old. Seperation is the best way to figure out your life and whether or not you want to do raise your daughter together or seperate. Stay strong and do it while she is still a baby!
A.C. answers from Dayton on February 17, 2008
I was in a similar situation with my daughter but I was married. You should be happy that you aren't married yet! Your daughter deserves to have two parents that love each other to raise her. You don't want her growing up thinking that the relationship you have with your boyfriend is normal, do you? You deserve to be happy and to have true love in your life. Just because you had a child with someone does not mean that you have to stay with them. My daughter has a much better life now than she would have ever had if I would have stayed married to her father. The idea of leaving your daughter with him overnight is terrifying, but he may not even want that responsibility. That is something that you can talk to him about. When you are done with a relationship, you are done, and it sounds to me, my dear, like you are done. There seems to have been too much irrepairable damange. It's time to move on. I hope I helped a little!
S.M. answers from Cleveland on February 16, 2008
H., just reading your story gives me chills. I am in the same spot. However, I am 26, a mother of two of my own plus we care for three others. I am terribly unhappy but don't know how to leave or go. There are so many resources available so you just have to get the will and strength to go and if you think you don't have it, look at your child. That is all the strength you need. If you don't do it for you, do it for her. I know first hand the affects of a messed up relationship on children as if affects my kids everyday. True love exists somewhere and for now just focus on you two and it will come when you least expect it.
As far as him taking her without you around, girl, Im a control freak and can't imagine someone having my kids without me. Maybe just wait til he shows some signs of being an appropriate parent.
Best wishes to you, keep us posted.
C.F. answers from Indianapolis on February 17, 2008
I just got out of a 17 year relationship that I too was unhappy in for a long time...the past 8 years. I too was staying because of the kids (I have three with him)and I was comfortable and concerned that the kids would not be cared for (my ex's family is the epitome of wacko!). DON'T STAY! I must say these past few months after the divorce have been the most peaceful and relaxing. Even the kids have made comments to me about the change. Find yourself a good attorney and move on. The court will see to it that your daughter is cared for or otherwise there will be no visits. I must say that you will have to keep a very close eye on things also to make sure. You are far too young to waste away your life with someone you do not love. You deserve peace of mind and a relationship with someone that takes your breath away, someone you look forward to coming home to or coming home to you. It is even better that you are not married, no divorce to go thru. If there are issues that have gone unaddressed after three years don't expect them to be resolved. My ex expected me to "just get over it" after three years and didn't know why we had to discuss things because it had been so long. Do not waste 8 years like I did, it simply is not worth it. I wish I had someone kick me in the rear and tell me to get out sooner. There are really some good guys out there. We just happen not to find them the first time around. Best of luck to you
R.L. answers from Columbus on February 17, 2008
i think sometime we as women feel like we have to stay with our childrens fathers but we dont if your mind is made up why cant you have some happiness i believe that if he really was ready to go he would in a heart beat you have to love yourself first and know that you will be okay and doing so you have to be there for your daughter i did it and it was the BEST thing that i could have ever done dont stay because you might be comfortable to dont stay cause you feel obligated to him you dont your obligation is to you and your daughter he's not your husband
T.M. answers from Terre Haute on February 16, 2008
I'm sorry I really don't have anything to offer in the way of advice. I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I'm thinking of you during your difficult time. You have support here. Should you need to talk or let of steam, contact me. Shannon