Not Even Married . . . What's the Difference?

My question is; Then why do people (like yourself) call your Boyfriend your Husband instead of what he truly is? If your not 'embarrassed' by not being married then why not call someone a boyfriend/girlfriend, life mate, significant other etc. rather than 'lying' to people & call them husband/wife.

For me it shows: when a man proposes to a woman that shows a new level of commitment that he wants from the relationship, morally sound, this is what my God intended between man & woman, showing my children that we are a family unit, stronger values (cannot just walk away as easily/divorce is NOT easy), witnessed before God has spiritual gratification, legally acknowledged etc.

Being in a long term relationship is nice but it's just not the same as marriage.

EDIT: Since my original post got 'off topic', I will try again:

Basically when you are asking for relationship advice, 'some of us' will respond to you to not put up with things (especially when you are soooo upset/distraught), and to maybe even 'reevaluate your relationship' because he hasn't asked for your hand in marriage so he 'probably' isn't going to really care how you feel because he's not in the relationship for the long haul otherwise he would have proposed either before or at least after you had his baby. So right now you are just his 'baby's mama'. Your relationship will be taken more seriously, by us, you, him, your family & your kids, when you are married & you both will have vested interest in working on 'your marriage'. Marriage problems don't go away but married couples have a responsibility to work things out & one would hope when you take the plunge that when there is a problem both parties would do what it takes to fix it. THIS IS ALL JUST IMO....

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To me, all that stuff is "playing house" without having to honor a covenant. Which...in my opinion...is pointless.

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I am not going to read the responses yet, but here's my take on it.
#1- I love that he loves me SO much that he is commited to staying with me for the rest of my life, to raise our children together, and to work out whatever differences we may have. He swore this in front of God and family. It is NOT easy to get a divorce...lots of paperwork! ha! When you are just dating or living together than it is easy to divide stuff up and go about the rest of your life. Not so easy when you are married...and sometimes that makes you want to try even harder to make things work.
#2-If, God forbid, something were to happen to me or him than we can make the medical decisions. If you are just dating you can not. When I was in the hospital my husband signed papers for me and if we were dating he would not have been able to. If there is a horrible accident or something then I need to be able to sign for him.
For me, I lived with someone for 4 years before I met my husband. I loved that man a TON...wanted to marry him. But, I never felt secure in that relationship. We shared bills, we lived together, shopped together...everything. With my husband I can get mad, yell, be angry and I KNOW that we are commited. That we can be angry, that we can be cross, and that he wont go anywhere. he is stuck with me.
L.

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I think "Evermom" hit on something that is often forgotten in the contemporary discussion of marriage. Marriage was instituted by God and sort of "ratified" if you will, by governments. In contemporary discussions, however, you never hear theology relative to marriages...you only hear about the two "me" people involved in it and the governmental (legal) ramifications/protections. So, for some people, non-religious people I assume, for the most part, it IS just a piece of paper. Or maybe a legality that they would like to dot all the "i"s and cross all the "t"s... But for those of us who value our faith, it is far more than that. Marriage is a covenant. Not just between me and my spouse, but between us and God. God is actively involved in marriage (not just the day to day living of it... but the actual MARRIAGE itself)... do the words "What God has joined together let no man ...." sound familiar? Well, God DOES do that. He joins man and wife together as one. (It's also a great example/metaphor for Christ and His church-- which is why you will hear references to "the wedding feast of the Lamb")... but I digress.
So, for those of us who recognize the significance of what is happening (that is unseen), a wedding/marriage is profoundly different than just making a decision that you love each other and are going to live together, however committed you might be. Which, my husband and I did for a short time, and neither of us is particularly proud of it. Today's society does a lot of talking about "doing what is right for YOU" etc. That's all fine and good... but, there is something lost when we do what is right for US without regard for what else happens as a result of that. Somehow, this generation started feeling like they are/were entitled to be happy all the time, to never have to suffer anything, to always have what they want/need. These are the first generations to feel that way. The previous generations were more of the mindset that they needed to endure. They endured all kinds of hardships that today's generation would think them stupid to have "put up with". I'm betting that many from that previous generation were much more satisfied with their lives though. They didn't "need" so many "things" and they didn't expect to be constantly patted on the back, so they just kept on doing what needed to be done and weren't disappointed that nobody cheered them for making their kids behave respectfully. They didn't walk out on their marriages b/c they just weren't feeling it anymore either. They were married! It meant something. Today that is being so watered down by our society that they don't want it to mean anything. Now all it supposedly is, is something to bash the gay community with by withholding it from them.
Hmm... I seem to have drifted off onto my own little rant... oopsie.
I hope I haven't offended anyone.

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hey girl, i was married once for a WHOLE year - lol. but anyway, that's my only experience, then i shacked up, got prego, broke up, now i'm a single mom. just telling you all that b/c i've been on all aspects of the spectrum.
i work w/elderly people in the community & always ask how long they've been married b/c i think it's sweet. this certain couple was married 68 years - SIXTY EIGHT YEARS! that's crazy! :)
so i was all, "aw, how sweet" (tear, sniff, sniff). and she said we chose each other & we were in love, but our commitment throughout our marriage was our committment to God (to be faithful, a good husband/wife, father/mother, thick/thin). that really touched me. men/women will ALWAYS fail you but in marriage (supposedly anyway) your commitment is to each other but even more importantly committment to God for the "institution" to work. i look at marriage differently now & will never forget that.
maybe just something to put in your pipe & smoke.... :)

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AFTER READING SOME MORE RESPONSES: I've said it before and I'll say it again.....Gotta love Grandma T! She's got it going on!

Whose named as father on your children's birth certificates?

Are you living in a state where domestic partnership is recognized?

Are you registered as domestic partners?

When one of you dies, whose named as benificary on insurance and 401K or retirement?

Who holds the deed to your home? Whose name is it in?

If either of you decided to move on, how would you arrange the children's custody?

Do either of you have children from a previous relationship? Whose names are on their birth certificate.

There can be a BIG difference unless you have planned ahead and answered all the above questions and many MORE.

Blessings.....

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When you are married your spouse becomes your immediate "next of kin". I suppose you dont ever have to get married but you should have legal documents drawn up for what your wishes are as far as medical emergencies and such. I think if people love each other and are planning on staying together for the rest of their lives getting legally married is the thing to do. If you own a home it should be "both" of yours, I had a girlfriend that bought a home with someone, they never married and he ended up getting to keep the house and didnt have to pay her a dime even tho she had put just as much into as he did. I'm old fashioned in some ways and I think it's just nice for mom, dad and the kids all to share the same last name when it's possible. "just as easily get a divorce"... NOT, it's very difficult to get a divorce. If one of you were to get in an accident and couldnt communicate, the hospital would want to talk to your parents or a sibling before they would talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend. I guess to them, if you arent committed enough to be married you are also not important enough to make a vital medical decision if one is warranted.
A legal marriage certificate is a binding contract basically.
You can live together and be perfectly fine, but business wise it can have its drawbacks, but it can also have it's perks.
The institution of marriage has lost a lot of its esteem over the years. But Gay people sure want it for some reason. That's gotta make you scratch your head and say "hmm?"

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I know what the difference is for me but I am not sure it is the same for every married person. It's funny how this question is on my radar this evening. I will try to explain.

I did live with my husband before we were married for a very short time. It is not something I am proud of and it is not something that I would recommend. Before we were married we had begun to share everything, but it still felt as if either one of us could walk out at any moment and there was not much that held us together. I could take what was mine and leave and it wouldn't have been much of a problem.

We then got married. Not only was there a legal document that bound us together, but there was also an oath that I proclaimed in front of everyone and because I am Catholic that was also an oath to God. That didn't seem so easy to get out of and because I had promised or made an oath there was my word. That word was spoken in front of over a hundred people. It was much more than just my name on a checking account.

Now that I am older and my husband is being baptized tomorrow, there is a whole new meaning to our marriage. Tomorrow my marriage becomes sacred or sacramental. God grants us special strength called graces to live as a married couple. What was once two becomes one. We are united in a special way and given the strength to live that out for all our lives here. Who would want to brake something that is holy or sacred? My marriage is a blessing even when it is hard. In our lives together we have created six children. We need all the strength we can get to raise those kids. We buried two of those children and that would have broke up most marriages but it seemed to draw us closer. After all we had promised to be together in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, unto death. Somehow that seems a whole lot more binding than a shared checking account, debt, and kids.

There you have my two cents, for what it's worth.

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Hi M.,

To me, if you love someone enough to live together, buy property together, have children, then you should love them enough to get married. It is more than just a piece of paper - it is promising to share your life together, legally, financially, and emotionally.

The difference is that getting divorced is a lot harder than just packing up and moving out - their is legal protection for spouses, but not for people just living together. While common law marriage is recognized in some states - many do not, therefore, if you spend 1, 5, or 10 years living with someone, buying property together, having children, you still have no protection if your significant other leaves. (whether you are a man or woman). While I realize that sometimes divorce is the best option, I personally feel that couples in our society are too quick to get divorced, because it is so easy. Why work things out, realize that marriage is work, when you can just be done in 6 months. The couples that I know that have been married for 20+ years all admit to having times of difficulty, but also admit that the commitment of the marriage is one of the reasons they worked so hard to find their way back to each other.

Another reason is purely financial and security - spouses have access to Social Security survivor's benefits, retirement benefits, medical decisions, heck, even visitation rights in some hospitals, that non-married couple do not. Imagine your significant other being seriously ill and you have no say to his care because you are not married?

Marriage also protects the children via child support, alimony, survivor's benefits and more.

My Granny used to have a saying - "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?". I guess hearing that my entire teen years must have made an impression on me. LOL

Good Luck and God Bless

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For me personally, I like the security of marriage. I *actually* felt different after I married my husband, who I'd lived with for 3 years first and had been with for 6 years since we were 16. It just felt more permanent, more official. I know this isn't the same for everyone, but that's how it felt for me.

I know that nothing is guaranteed, but the vows we made to each other MEAN something to us. When we said "till death do us part" we meant it. He is my best friend and I know he would rather die than hurt me. Why *wouldn't* I want to be married to him??

As for receiving relationship advice, I would give the same advice to someone who was married as someone who was 'just' in a committed relationship. And I assume that the exact same issues come up in both situations as well.

But for ME, there is a difference.

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There's not much difference in the day-to-day aspics of your relationship, but legally there are more than 1,000 rights and responsibilities that are automatically accorded to married couples. You can see some of what they are here:

http://www.lawyersmichigan.com/newsletter/legalsideofmarr...

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Every individual and every individual's situation is very different, so it depends! It depends on each person's religious beliefs, each person's moral compass, each individual's experiences regarding commitment & marriage.

I've always been pretty traditional myself. My parents have always been together so that impacts my life.

My mindset on marriage is 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'

I think women have a responsibility to themselves that we far too often forget about. If you want a man to respect you & love you unconditionallly, then you have to respect and unconditionally love your SELF. This means never letting a man have the best of you without committing unconditionally to the worst of you.

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it may not be different to some but to me it 'feels' different. it is a feeling that you cannot find in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. it is a commitment feeling but also a forever feeling. Not to mention, the legal aspect is really important for insurance, child custody, etc what happens if you both pass away and you have children? The Will, the Living Will, it just seems too complicated. Paying bills together is like a roomate. legally you are not entitled to anything of his nor is he to yours. What happens if he passes or you do? unless you put it in a Will, you are on your own. Plus, whose last name do your children have in that situation? You teach your children about love, respect, fidelity, commitment, and loyalty. If you are in love, why not get married? I wanted to be my husband's wife. I wanted that commitment, I wanted to be ONE. I absolutely LOVE being his wife, that he chose me and I chose him. That he is my FOREVER and that it is not so easy to leave. When a man does not have a commitment of marriage, it sure is easier to cheat, lie, leave. I felt that whomever I married had to 'earn me' and he did. Don't get married until you truly 'know' he is the one and you will. I dated a guy for 4 yrs hten a guy for 6 yrs and then I met my husband. I married him in the first year. You truly DO 'know'. good luck with whatever you do!

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If you think it is easy to get divorced-then you have never gotten a divorce. You have a great deal to learn and it is not up to your audience to provide you with what you need-it is up to you.

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Hi M., I've been married for almost 30 years, my husband and I lived together for 1 year before we got married, getting married gave me more security, it's easier to walk away when there is not leagal commitment, than when there is. For me and this in my conviction imorality is never the right road, men can say they love you until their blue in the face, but when a man satys with you (Not in the same home but relationship) and you are not giving him sex, that's true love and true respect, have you ever heard the saying why marry the cow if the milk is free, why marry the girl if the sex is free. The other difference if there is children involved, then the sexual imorality is influencing the children, In my personal opinion thats wrong, people may say that;s old fashion, but my convictions are that God designed sex for a very special part of marriage, their are more fatherless children, more abortions, from unmarried sex than married sex. Relationship advice is such a wide topic, there are many types of relationships some healthy some not healthy. I wsould never advise anyone to get a divorce, I have seen the worst, and I mean worst marriages get help, learn how to forgive and go on to having the strongest marriages ever, the world teaches divorce, not a good place to seek advice. Hope this helped some. J.

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A marriage is sacred. It is Gods plan that a man shall have a wife. I lived with my boyfriend in the past & we both knew it was wrong morally. We both came to a point in our lives where we wanted to live a life that was pleasing to God. So we made the commitment before God. It seems we live in times where what is good is bad & what is bad is good. Marriage is not something we designed but what our Father designed. Just my belief.

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There really isn't much of a difference for the daily living activities you list, however the benefits are mostly for legal reasons and symbolic for family unions. As you get older or buy assets like a house, car, and other properties, marriage holds community properties (it belongs to both equally) in California there is no 'common law marriage' as there is in some states, so property belongs to who ever bought it. Also in the legal tense again, such as hospital, school, courts marriage binds the next of kin. A spouse can make decisions for both in the absence of the other. In respects of family values, there should not be co-habiting, but again marriage is symbolic. Does this give you food for thought?

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The difference when asking or giving advise on a relationship IS about the commitment.

When you are in the 'he can do no wrong' dating or just living together phase, your view of your relationship and world is jaded. Partly because if you see a problem you think you can change it in time, or don't want to stand up against something, because he might get mad and just walk away.

When you are married, you've been there, done that. Most of the time, you are well past the 'he can do no wrong' phase, and are to the 'he'd better start doing something!' phase. You've seen behind the green curtain, and know why the movies end at the wedding kiss. Its because all marriages are unique, yet have the same basic themes. You've been together through the sick kids and hard times dinners, and you're still there. Not jus because of the wedding, but because you've made a commitment to YOUR future and your working on it together. At some point one person feels overworked, under appreciated, not taken seriously... one person becomes the spender and one the saver...

Until you're married, you aren't 'all in'. So the advice you can give someone who is will be a bit lacking because you don't have the same amount to lose or gain.

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Getting a divorce isn't easy or cheap. My hubby and I lived together AFTER we were married and we were intimate for the first time on our wedding night. So, I don't know any other way. We waited until we got married because we love God and felt that His Word teaches this. I feel there are many reasons to wait until you're married. There is a level of commitment that comes with marriage that isn't necessarily as strong if you're not married. If people wait until they are married they are less likely to experience unwanted pregnancies, they show that they have self control which is important in a marriage, they don't have to worry about diseases because they only have each other etc.

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All I know is I have friends with the same number and ages of children as Me and my husband who are not married to their children's fathers, but they love together as they are, and they have similar financial situations to ours as well. They both qualify for forms of state aid, and we do not. As a result we are now drowning under medical bills because we couldn't get supplemental insurance. Our child care is discounted because I work for the provider, but still expensive and we do not qualify for a voucher. And we are way past qualifying for food stamps. And thank goodness we live with my parents (we do pay rent, but it's far less than if we were out on our own in this area, and they pay utilities) because there's no way we could afford to live anywhere but a slum!

I find it a little disturbing that people can so easily work the system by not getting married. One of those friends even asked my why I bothered, and that it was a stupid move because now I didn't qualify for any assistance programs!

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marriage is "the next step", its classic, its legally binding, its harder to tear apart. Its a step that two people take in order to be considered more than just "in love". but i have a better idea....

Ask a gay couple what the difference is between living together faithfully and being married. They will probably have a bullet point seminar to show you.

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For the sake of argument, lets say you are committed as any married couple to spend the rest of your life together. How are outsiders to determine and distinguish your level of commitment? If people are married, it is well established that at one point both parties intended to spend the rest of their lives together and went through the formalities and legalities of making that so. If you are not married, outsiders can only assume you have not figured out if this is a person you want to spend your life with, or simply don't want to commit to a life together. Therefore, the relationship will never be perceived to have equal status to the marriage relationship. Fair or unfair, thats the way the cookie crumbles. So as far as getting relationship advice, thats probably the attitude you are encountering. I'm pretty sure my old neighbor could answer you very well. She lived with her boyfriend for 16 years, payed rent on his house, cooked, cleaned and took care of him in every way. When the relationship crumbled and she was well into her 50's, she was left with nothing at all. When the difference really shows is when unmarried couples split and one is left in financial dire straights, a complete and total burden on society. This is why marriage is a stabilizing thing in society. But you are right, in the day to day interaction it probably seems identical.

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I haven't read the other answers yet but I will. Yes you can get divorced (I did) but there is something about making those public vows. The greatest thing I can compare this to is my daughter. I didn't give birth to her (my sister did) but she has been with me since she was ten days old. I jumped through legal hoops to make sure she was ours: legal proceedings, home visits, background checks and then finally a court appearance where we swore under oath in probate court that we would always provide for her and always concentrate on her best interest. This was so important and we have stuck to it together even though we have been divorced for 12 years (since she was five). I wish we had that type of preparation for our marriage, we would still be together. He is still the closest person to me and I love that we parent together.

Divorces fail enough and live in relationships have even worse odds. Plus there are many benefits not always available to unmarried couples.

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The covenant, the sacrament, and the vows before God. That is the difference. Well, that and being able to file taxes "married filing _____." It takes commitment and hard work to stay together whether married or just committed to one another and once kids, property, etc. come into play -- it doesn't matter if you are married or not, leaving the situation becomes more difficult. And yes, in that case, relationship advice is relationship advice. Oh- and the last thing, from a legal perspective -- in states that do not recognize common law marriage or where you haven't been together long enough, without a will -- if one of you dies, you won't get anything from the other's estate unless you are married. Your kids might -- but not you. Intestacy laws (where you die without a will) does not allow property, money, etc. to pass to the "committed woman who isn't married to him" and vice versa. Only wills can protect the unmarried and provide for them.

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Because you are on this website you are a mom, right? What values are you teaching your children? Go and sleep with whomever you want?

Marriage is more than a license or a piece of paper it is about commitment and if the legal commitment isn't there it is very easy, legal wise, or that man to take off and not truly commit to you.

Not everyone gets divorced and it is, through richer and poorer through sickness and health, til death do you part.

You sound like maybe your parents divorced? Don't base your relationship based on others.

God did not say go and sleep with who you want and have kids. That is morally wrong.

If two people really love each other and are in it for the long run, then there isn't a question of getting married. They want to get married.

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My husband and I lived together for a year and a half before getting married. We moved in together discussing marriage, but the date we set was over a year later than when we actually got married. Instead we got married a few months after finding out I was pregnant with our daughter. I wanted us to be married sooner rather than later, though it meant not having the grand wedding I'd dreamed of because as we where becoming parents sooner rather than later. And after our small wedding? I felt differently about him and our relationship. I hadn't felt INsecure before it, but somehow felt much secure after. Plus even though our daughter was a surprise, we where choosing to become parents together, the ultimate commitment. And I think marriage makes a relationship, and sharing parenthood more stable/secure usually.... It is different, I guess that's why relationship advice is different for living together and marriage... It's more of a commitment....

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I am currently engaged. We live together, and are raising our DD together. The funny thing is that we were engaged, and had our wedding date set... then we found out that I was pregnant, and decided to put off the wedding so that we could use that money for our DD. I thought it might be a good idea to go get married at the courthouse or something, but my fiance is dead set on me getting my mountain wedding, even if we have to tone it down. (I had told him about how I always wanted to get married on my family's ranch in the mountains...) He knows that I would be very dissapointed in having a courthouse wedding (nothing wrong with them... but I have always wanted to do the mountains...) and he wants our wedding to be something we remember. So for all intents and purposes, we consider ourselves 'married'. I refer to him as my husband, and he calls me his wife. Everything we own is in both our names, we have joint banking, and we have each other listed as 'next of kin' on all of our legal documents. The only thing that is missing is the paper telling us that it's so. As soon as we can afford my wedding, we will make it official.

I always think it's funny when married people try to tell me I'm not as commited to my relationship as they are to theirs... Especially when I'M home with my family, and SHE is leaving her kids home with her husband every night, cheating on him, and partying it up... Yeah... that paper doesn't make your relationship any stronger than mine.... To me, a real marriage is a partnership built on mutual trust, love, and understanding. While I DO want to make it official, It's not going to affect our actual relationship. Just the legalities. Of course, I'm not religious at all, so while that may make a world of difference to some people, it doesn't make a difference for me.

As far as divorce goes... My dad has been married and divorced 4 times... my mom 3 times... one brother 2 times, my grandma 2 times, and several cousins too. So it really can't be all THAT hard, can it? I find it especially funny when THEY are the ones telling me that I can't be committed to my relationship if I haven't gotten married yet... but at the first sign of strife they jump on the divorce train. Oh, the hypocrocy.

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I haven't read the responses but from a Christian standpoint, it is a sin to live as a married couple if you are not married.

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After my husband and I had been married for a little over two years he had a bad episode with his bipolar. If we had not been married and just living together I would have had to wait for his mother to go to the hospital to have him committed. Without being married anything serious regarding your boyfriend's health or yours for that matter would not be a decision either one of you could make, it would be up to the legal next of kin. In some cases time is of the essence.

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A divorce is not EASY to get - so it is harder to walk away, therefore, it is easier to walk away if you are not married. If you don't have to deal with the legal stuff it's always easier!

Other issues: Tax break (you do get a tax break for being married). HEPPA - you have may have no rights as a live-in partner regarding health issues - yes, even when there is a written statement giving the partner rights. Death (living together won't necessarily allow the surviving partner to have rights about decisions/inheritance). Legality of it all - all of the rights a married couple is afforded. If you are not married, in the eyes of the law a live-in partner has barely any rights. Mommy & Daddy (the would be MIL & FIL) can have more rights than a live-in partner. There is always a civil union to ensure each of you at least have rights regarding choices made on each others' behalf.

Personally, I have no issue either way. But opposite of you, I have never understood why a piece of paper scares so many people...

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As you've seen so far, it's a big difference to some and others not so much. I do agree that there seem to be a lot of people on here who are quick to respond to someone asking for relationship adivce to "just leave him" but that is so much easier said than done! I think a lot of those answers are kind of silly and unrealistic, but it seems that there are people under the belief that if you don't have a "paper" it's easier to just walk away. I think that is truthful for some and untruthful or others, so really it all comes down to the person and the relationship. I do think though that, at least for me, when we got married it felt really official. I had no intention of leaving him before, even if the going got tough, but now we've made that commitment to each other to work everything out, there are no other options. So, I guess maybe this is a really long answer to just YES, it's about commitment! ;) In the end, I feel that as long as both parties are happy with whatever arrangement is made (marriage or no marriage) then it works...but if one person is unhappy it isn't working.

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My husband and I lived together for six years marriage free. We would have kept going on that way because we were doing just fine and dandy but I had recently fallen off my parents insurance coverage, passing that magic age of 25. (I moved in with my boyfriend at 19) At that point I was scared because we couldn't afford to pay for private health insurance and my job didn't offer me any benefits. Just $15 an hour plus overtime.

My boyfriend proposed that we get married so I could be hooked to the insurance plan he got through his work. I said sure and we went out, picked up a couple of rings on sale and tied the knot on Jan 23, 2003. It was a Thursday and the licence cost us $111.00.

Before getting married we had asked his HR department if I could be put on the plan as his "partner" or if there was some common law married thing that would consider me a significant other after so many years of co-habitations together. They said nope. So we're married now. We don't live any differently but it's easier to navigate in society as a married couple than it was as just a couple. Also, after a certain age, calling him "my boyfriend" started to feel a bit sour. About a year before we got married I just started calling him my husband even though we didn't have the certificate just because the word husband encompassed our relationship much better than boyfriend.

After we got married it took me three years to change my last name to his. After the birth of my daughter I felt all left out being the only one with a different name so we all went together to get it done.

The only difference I've noticed between being married vs not married is it makes taxes a little easier and when I had to go to the hospital, he didn't have any trouble getting into my room with their "family only" policy. Also, since we didn't have a will at the time, knowing he was legally my next of kin by default, I didn't worry about what would happen to my daughter and my stuff, if I died on the table.

Also, after my husband lost his job, we lost our health insurance, and because we are married, I did not qualify for medi-cal. We seriously considered getting a divorce so I could get medical care. Instead, we decided to stay together, come what may, and got a 60k+ medical bill. It would have been fitting though, since we married for health care in the first place.

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I think it comes down to the legality of it - of course there are all kinds of different families and it's the committment you want to stress to your kids, not the paper you signed.

However, right now you are in a domestic partnership - so you have the same legal rights to each other as a same-sex couple. If something should happen to your boyfriend it could get very messy, like his assets could go into a trust for the kids that they can not touch until they are 18, and not to you to help you raise and provide for them. Regardless of who is put as the beneficiary.

I worked with a heterosexual male friend who was a lawyer and he and his girlfriend refused to get married until their same-sex friends could get married. After they had their son, it was putting them at too much legal risk if one of them should die, so they ended up getting married in MA, which was the only state at that time that allowed same-sex marriages. I think this is why same-sex partners are fighting so hard for the legal right to get married.

I'd talk to a lawyer to make sure everything is how you want it incase one of you dies, or needs to make a hard decision about your life. Right now, you and your boyfriend will have zero legal say and it will be your parents or families making the decisions and they will not need to take your wishes into account.

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I personally don't think it makes any difference when giving relationship advice whether a couple is married or not married. I have lived together and have been married.

I, too, have wondered how some people can say things like "well, just leave him, since you aren't even married". It is not emotionally easier to move out than it is to move out and divorce. Many times unmarried couples have children, own homes together, and have years of history as a couple. The "piece of paper" is a public sign of commitment, but not having that does not mean there is no commitment.

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The difference is, when you get married, you get a big ring that's worth 2 months of his salary. Who doesn't love diamonds? ;)

Seriously though, if you're in a committed relationship, there's not much difference. Gay couples in most places in the country can't legally get married, yet I think they're every bit as "married" as my husband and I are. It's a promise you make to each other - it doesn't matter if you have a ceremony (complete with big jewelry!) or not.

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To me, the definition of marriage is:

Two equals, committed by their sacred bond, led by their higher power and held by their community.

By my definition, I know many couples who are not married but are in a marriage and many married couples who are not in a marriage.

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M. ~
You have alot of answers, and I may be repeating what some others have said.
I've done both, and right, there's no difference relationship wise, if you love someone, you love them. marriage doesn't change that. And if there are problems, the advice should be pretty much the same.

However, from a point of view that's a little bit older and as a nurse:
In an emergency, you cannot make the medical/legal decisions for that person...(unless you get an advanced directive/patient advocate filled out). the family could exclude you completely when it comes to decisions about life support.
You are not entitled to pension/social security benefits when you're older.
There are many legal reasons why marriage can be a better situation.

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No difference as far as giving advice if you have all the same rules as married people on fidelity etc. and you're both raising kids and all that.

In real life it's way different for me. I married late and had a couple of long term committed relationships in the past and it was nothing like being married as far as the level of responsibility for someone else's stuff. Even though at the time, we were serious and committed.

Somehow, for my boyfriends, (with no kids and we were both working), I only did what I wanted for them, and kept my own autonomy, but now for a husband who always travels, all of his affairs are my responsibility because I run the household and watch the kids and do our budgeting and I don't work, so I have to manage everything accordingly to take care of us all while he's away. He had a nightmare tax issue from a crooked accountant years ago, and it's on my ssn# too because we filed jointly. Anything I decide not to do "for him" (like handle endless IRS nightmare paperwork for years) will hurt the whole family. Likewise, he's not just working for himself anymore, he's responsible for all of us.

Some people may have that same level of responsibility just living together with a verbal commitment, but it depends on the scenario. I have lots of friends in couples who aren't married who are never apart physically, so things are pretty much similarly merged, but they don't happen to have kids, so it's not quite the same. They still keep lots of stuff separated that we can't and seem to co-habitate much more independently-if that makes any sense.

I personally never would have felt comfortable leaving my job and moving to place where we could afford to live on one income to have a family with a "boyfriend" who travels a lot. The "signed paper" definitely defined a lot for both of us. For better or for worse.

Also I find, that as a "wife" I magically have all this clout officially handling stuff and speaking for us that I never had as the girlfriend. Again, not all couples have the same situations, but in our wayward lifestyles dealing with lots of outside forces, it has mattered a lot. I don't see it as a trap-like you said, there is always divorce- but it does oddly make the relationship WAY more "official" in many ways I didn't predict.

Mentally I never thought of "forever" with the boyfriends. The whole point of not marrying them was that they were obviously temporary. I never would have fought through some of the stuff I have for this relationship in those. Too easy to walk away.

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Alot of people find it important to be married for religious reason. I choose it for more personal reasons. I had been engaged twice before I met my hub. He was it. My beginning my middle and my end. It was not a religion thing at that point. We had weathered many storms together in the two years we dated before tie'ing the knot. We jsut new it was the next thing for us.

I have alot of friends though that have multi kids and have not gotten married. They have been with their partners just as long as I have been with my hubby. I have since come to figure out that we were meant to be together. We have taken on alot in seven years had three kids, fallen onto $$ problems, lost jobs and much more. I have packed up a few times. I am one that tries to run if things seem to heavy. I always am pushed back. I have given the control with it. I know that we are for each other.

No one person can tell you one is better then the other. That is just makes us who we are. It is become very common not to feel the need to wed. Some just cant handle the stress. Some feel the need to keep things separate. If your happy your happy.

I dont ever wear my ring. I am afraid i will loose it or scratch one of the boys. my hubby only wears his when we are out. I know that it doesnt matter. Eventually we both want them tattooed on us...that way we can never loose sight of what we promised.

Be who you are. dont feel you must be married. or not. Just be.

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Ok, so I have been with my man for 6yrs, we have lived together for all of those years and have a 4yr old and have been doing a great job "playing house" as some would say. Other than a ring and a few signatures I am not sure of any major differences aside from the UGLY looks people give when they realize we are not wed. However, I have not BEEN married so I can not say for sure what the diff is aside from some money related issues (taxes, health ins).

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for me, legal wedlock is totally about practicality. inheritance and insurance issues are just less crazy-making if you're married.
it's sad that folks don't marry because it's easier to walk away if you're not (and naive to marry because they think it will cement someone to them) but mature people commit whether or not there's paper involved.
i would love to have a meaningful religious ceremony with my dh but since we don't share a religion, it ain't happening.
but the paper we signed at the courthouse 25 years ago isn't important to me. our emotional commitment to each other is.
khairete
S.

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There are not only mental, but also legal differences. A couple is not as apt to stray from each other if they know there is a binding agreement between them, God and the jurisdiction they're residing. There's also the fact that others know the couple is "off the market" when they see they're married. Then you get into the legal aspect with insurances, loans, home/vehicle ownership, taxes, etc. Some things are just easier being married, but to each his own.

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I agree, It does not matter if your living together and they are both your kids.To me having the children together binds you forever, no matter what.

It is the commitment to stay together through whatever happens.
But how are you promising this and proving it?

When we lived together we knew it was forever, but we wanted to have it legal so we could prove it to everybody else also.

That is one thing my husband and I were talking about the other day. We
can tell marriage is at some point going to be passe, but how do you know you really are both committed to someone, without some type of promise? Marriage makes it legal. Paying taxes as common law makes it legal. Saying it to an official or to a community makes it legal.

But just saying lets live together how do you know the other person means forever?

We are planning on having this exact discussion with our daughter and her friends this summer when they are back from college. And then also with a group of our friends our age.

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I think it really depends on the person. The main reason i got married was for insurance. You can say you are in a commited relationship either way. My husband cheated on me before and after we were married so, to me it depends on how much it means to the person. We were fine not being married, just thought we'd save some money with insurance now we are not saving money paying for a divorce. ; )

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The difference is legalities. The differences will be financial, in terms of splitting up.

Other than that, there technically aren't a whole lot of differences. Commitment....teaching your kids about commitment, responsibility... But even in a legally binding marriage, commitment doesn't always work for the better. I was in a marriage that just was no longer working for me. My intentions were right, as in visualizing a long standing relationship. My motives were wrong, but I overlooked my motives and stuck to intentions. But after a bloodless bunch of years, it wasn't enough. There's more to it too. Hubby was going by 'having made a promise', but honestly, if both are miserable, what good is that? Better to strive for happy, than sticking to principles. That's just my opinion. Life had other solutions.

Updated

Legalities. It's taking that extra step to ensure each others' butts are covered and eventual children. Without the legalities, the persons involved have no binding coverage. Kinda like insurance. If something happened to you, you would at least know your husband would then have legal guardianshipo over your kids. And vice versa.
Otherwise, that's pretty much it. Commitment, I don't feel, is valid, because you might have commitment to start with and good intentions, but if the relationship goes sour and no one's happy, what good is commitment? We grow and develop in different ways, but all the good intentions are moot if we don't grow together. Maybe the best plan would be to discuss goals, and commit to making them TOGETHER and having like goals. Going down 'different roads' to reach individual goals potentially means reaching individual goals and excluding that other. Potentially. It isn't written in stone.

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Having the freedom to walk away at any time, without the hassle of divorce, has a huge impact on a relationship. There is a higher divorce rate for couples who live together first compared to couples who don't. Couples who don't live together first often have a higher level of commitment to the marriage, and to their status as a couple.

There are many legal differences, and also benefits to marriage vs. cohabitation.

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not marrie and no kids it makes a difference but kids together marriage doesn't matter. Your forever tied to this person, married, estranged, divorced. Your kid(s) will always mean you hear about each others livfes and have a mutal connection

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I guess some think if they've had three failed marriages, they know more than someone who has never been married and are entitled to give their opinions because their failed marriages make them an "expert". Personally, I'd rather receive the advcie from the non married couple...at least they are still together!!

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I don't really see a difference. DH and I were together for 23 years (living together 21 years) before we got married (1-1/2 years after DS was born). No really good reason other than it was legally easier to manage. We have now been married 4 years.

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The difference is more about your personal beliefs and lessons you are teaching your children/example you are setting...sex before marriage, what marriage is or isn't etc. When I was younger I didn't see it either but now that I am a bit older and have my 19 year old son and 4 year old daughter I "get it".

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The difference is only there if it's in your head. For you, it doesn't matter. For others, it does. There are plenty of bad marriages and plenty of good committed but unmarried relationships. I think it's up to the individuals involved.

The biggest issue are financial and legal - taxes, inheritances, the right to see someone in a hospital or make critical medical decisions. I wish that unmarried people didn't have to go to all kinds of lengths (and expense) to work that out after years of living together, while married people get that exclusive right after paying for a $25 license. The marriage contract was, in the old days, just that - a contract. It had to do with economics. Now, that part is outdated but still the rights & privileges are tied to it. So, unmarried people need to take extra steps to be sure they are protected for any sort of crisis - health, death, custody, inheritance, and so on.

I think it's kind of a shame that you have to ask people not to blast you - I wish people on this site were more kind (even if the opinions differ, they can be expressed gently!). I've seen many women post on here, asking not to be attacked. I'd like us all to think about why that's necessary and what we may have done to foster that.

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I can only speak from my own experience. I've been married twice, and stuck out the first, very difficult marriage for 15 years by the time the divorce was final. It meant a great deal to me that I had made that promise of forever, but I was very young when I married, and didn't question my motives or his deeply enough. It turned out we married each other for many wrong reasons, and they just didn't hold up as we grew up and changed.

The second time, having known what failure was, it was a commitment until death do us part, for both my husband and me. We knew we wouldn't be having children together, but he did his very best to accept my 11yo daughter as his own, and they love and support each other as family. We had carefully considered all the implications of what it meant to take that pledge for life. We had looked into the future and asked ourselves all the hard questions. We knew we expected to care for the other if and when our health failed, and that we'd grieve when death finally separated us. That was 29 years ago, and the firmness of that commitment is still part of our daily lives as we enter our senior years.

There is something ineffably lovely in that, and I treasure it deeply. I can't say for sure that it wouldn't exist if we hadn't promised to be together for life, but it's hard to imagine how our relationship would be as deep and intentional. The depth of our commitment has also helped us tremendously when the occasional disagreement or misunderstanding has arisen. We are one.

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Marriage is a special step. It shows how much you are truly commited to that person. It also teaches your children many things....like their parents cared about each other enough to take that step.

Just my opinion :)

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Well I agree that the question probably wasn't worded the best, but now that I your SWH I will give my response of what I've encountered (I'm also not married but in a very committed relationship).

For several of my friends, they claim that life is different once you officially get married. Because their "true committment" officially becomes recognized by everyone, so there is a different kind of pressure (not sure if that is the right word) put on their relationship. You here a lot of "you can get divorced" but people don't look at married couples with this thought instantly when there is a problem, where as they look at boyfriend/girlfriend relationships as "well you can just break up if it's that bad" a lot quicker. Married couples are automatically expected to try and work it out because of the overly public committment they have made, where as an unmarried couple has not made this committment (I'm not saying they aren't just as committed if not more, but they haven't done it in SUCH a public way).

However, with that being said, I don't think there is actually a difference in the day to day living of an unmarried, cohabitating couple and a married couple. All of my friends lived with their husbands before getting married and said that there was not much of a difference in that since of things. It's really just how society decides to veiw the "seriousness" of your relationship once those vows are said compared to before.

Personally, the difference is this: before I married my husband, there was always that "out" in the back of my mind. Once we tied the knot, that door closed and went on permanent lockdown. I do not know why that "piece of paper" matters so much - it just does. (Well...maybe one thing: I do like knowing that if I die tomorrow, my husband is pretty much guaranteed the right to handle my affairs and raise our kid - NOT my parents.)

Relationship advice, based on my own moral judgement about whether it's right or wrong to be married, is biased. So when asked I don't offer an opinion on the relationship status, just the situation. (This comes in especially handy for my friends in same-sex marriages, at least until the laws in this country become fair for everyone!) If I put an issue out there on the Internet, however, I'd better brace myself for some not-very-objective feedback.

The main difference is that marriage offers certain legal protections to you and any kids you may have, both while you're together and if you split up, that aren't available without that piece of paper.
Physically, mentally and emotionally, the commitment is the same.

The main difference is when you are married... the benefits of being able to take the responsibility for the spouse's finances, Will and medical decisions is an important one.

I was with my guy 3 years before getting married. Before marriage, I could not be his sponsor for his green card application, now I am.

As far as relationship advice... I guess it depends on the question asked about the relationship. When you separate while not being married - your rights to 50-50 of everything is really hard to prove... but in most other things it is most likely the same advice you'd receive.

From my perspective, and I'm sure I'll get blasted right along with you, there isn't any difference. I am married, lived with my husband for almost 2 years before the actual ceremony, but I was no less committed and in love then. Our bond is stronger today, but I don't think we'd have each others backs any less if there wasn't a piece of paper from the state. The bond is from time, not getting married. It is built through trying times and glorious moments like having children together and then talking each other down from the rafters when we feel like we're going crazy. Love is constantly cultivated and cared for and, therefore, grows and flourishes. For the record, I do not wear my wedding ring, nor does my husband. He is free to go to bachelor parties and nudie bars with his friends, as am I. We share the household duties and taking care of the kids like partners. We're free to explore individual interests but usually choose hanging out with each other rather than doing something apart.

Getting married is the celebration of your love, it certainly doesn't create it. The downside is how disrespectful people treat each other when its over. I say, take the money you'd spend on a wedding (which will cost you a small fortune) and go on a one month trip to Tahiti. Now THATS celebrating!!!

I dont see a difference other than a peice of paper, and it cost 1000's of dollars to get out of a marriage.

Personally I think men treat you better when you are not married and living together to a point. I have been married twice and all of a sudden it was like I was there mother along with the kids. I have been in my current relationship for 4 years we don't have kids together and don't want any more children. He lived with me for 3 years but because of work he now lives out of the home and heck treats me better now than he did a few months ago. As far as the medical and other legal issues all that takes is a power of attorney to allow you to take care of thing if he is unable to make the decision to include medical. I wish I would have stuck to my guns when I was younger and never gotten married both were a big mistake.

I don't get it either..and could have gone my whole life with out getting married! Honestly! I was with my now husband for 13 years before we got married and to be completely honest it was more for the kids than it was for us adults...when my oldest was gonna enter K we decided we might as well just get it over with, making the same name thing easier on everyone, etc, etc.

~In my opinion there is NO difference! We were committed to one another the moment we decided to move in together. We waited a good 7 years before we had children together (he already had 2 and had been married...I was only 19 when we got together and had no interest in marriage) we took the time to get to know each other inside and out and our friendship was cemented...thoroughly! Everyone always asked us when we were gonna get married and why we weren't already? Never understood that? Who were we hurting? BTW: Husband asked me to marry him 1 year into our relationship...bought me a big fat rock and that was good enough for me for a VERY LONG TIME!

I would say it is more of a religous reason to be married.