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J.T.
~~~~~ NO JUDGEMENT HERE! ~~~~~
K.,
I was 19 when I had my daughter (19 yrs. ago), I lived at home and I didn't get along w/my mother. I also suffered from depression (still do) but it was undiagnosed at the time. So I understand your frustration. First, you need to see a therapist along with a psychiatrist. Reason? The psychiatrist can write scripts & get info about your progress from both you and your therapist. Also, you need to talk to someone about what you are going through. Your meds aren't enough right now. I am going by what you are describing. While you might feel better than before, you aren't there yet. Remember, your mental health will determine your parenting.
Oh, I DO understand that you know yelling at her is wrong but that you can't control it. I really understand the lack of control part. I'm ADHD & understant the lack of impulse control. So, I am not judging you, I promise!
Ok, the eating problems. Your daughter is picking up on your frustration and is getting frustrated too. Being upset & angry only makes it harder for her to calm down to eat. If she wants a bottle...let her. She needs the nutrition. So, instead of paring down the # of bottles, increase the amount of bottles given. The more hungry she is, the harder it is to calm down enough to eat. So give her as many bottles as she wants & offer snacks of healthy food before or during a bottle. Make the desicion to not get angry re her eating. (I know, easier said than done.) Just decide that you can do it for one hour. Bite you tongue if you have to. Offer her bottle & whatever else she will eat for a while. If she doesn't eat, tell yourself "that's ok, we'll try later". Tyr to feed her away from the table for a while. She might associate the table with punnishment & not want to eat there. You will start to see improvement, I promise. If not, call her Dr. & explain EVERYTHING that is going on. Ask him for help with your daughter's eating. Also, DCFS may have some good parenting & anger management courses. Ask. They will be happy that you are trying to get help.
Remember, you are doing this for your daughter's health & well being. Her mental health is part of that.
*IMPORTANT If you get to the point where you just can't handle it and you are too upset to care for her, ADMIT it to yourself. It is what it is. You daughter is the most important thing right now. So if you are honest with yourself & realise you can't do it right now, call DCFS & be honest with them. Being a GREAT parent is making sure your daughter is in great care. If you can't give that care, making sure she gets it is a loving decision to make. Seriously, if you can't do it w/o yelling at her all the time, some time off from parenting could give you the time to get the help & medication you need to be a better parent later on. I am not saying you are at that point now, but think about that in case it does get to that point.
Also, you need to take care of YOU. You need to eat well, eat three meals w/snacks in between. Your blood sugar needs to be regulated to help with your moods. Get enough sleep! Try to go to bed the same time each night. Depression is worse when you don't get enough sleep. Get exercise! Again, it can help your depression. It won't make your depression go away, but it can help a little bit. Go for a quick stroll w/your daughter. Lay out your clothes (& your daughter's) including shoes the night before for your walk. Pack your diaper bag & put it in your stroller. Then the next morning, you have everything ready for your walk! Getting out of the house helps! It also is good for your daughter. If she is in a better mood, so are you!
You are AWESOME for asking for help. That shows you CARE! I am praying for you and hope you the best. Again, asking for help is not giving in. It is being a parent.
Please, please, please get the help you need and DESERVE. You deserve it, your daughter deserves it. You both are WORTH it!
Lovingly,
J.