No Money for a Wedding Gift

I hear ya! Times are tough and people have to realize that while the niceties are nice, food on the table is more important. IF they don't understand, well, it's not your problem. You have a family to take care of and providing for your family is of the utmost importance.

I don't know your finances but here are a couple of thoughts:

1) You could send a Happy 1st Year Anniversary card. Not many people do this and so it would stand out and being very thoughtful.

2) You could explain the situation to your cousin if you think that they would be understanding. If they are that kind of people, they will feel better (and you too) for hearing an explanation

3) You could make them a first anniversary gift (frame, etc.) using one of the pics from their wedding that they might not have seen

4) You could offer to watch their kids, etc., if they have them, so that they could go out to dinner.

You get the point, it doesn't have to be about the money. I know it's hard but you have to believe that it will get better.

Also, maybe this is just me, but I don't buy into the whole wedding gift and etiquette. People choose to have weddings and they choose how much *they* are going to spend. Just because you are invited doesn't mean that you *have* to spend a certain amount. It is their choice to have a lavish wedding and their choice to spend what they spend. Just because they invite you, doesn't mean that you have to feel obligated to spend money on a gift. You are their guest. You are there to share in their day and rejoice in their reunion. You did that. You were there for your cousin, even in tough times. You saw their happiest day and shared that with them. Isn't that what it's all about?

Hope this helps.
N.

2 moms found this helpful

why not send a letter to your cousin explaining your situation? or a phone call.. I think that if they care about you, they will understand. I can't imagine your own mother treating you that rudely. I guess if my mom did that to me, I would just tell her to handle it for me then! She should just step up and cover a gift for you!! Don't let her shame you or bully you. call your cousin and truly explain the situation. You can't do it, so don't feel pressured into it. keep strong!

2 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't worry about it at all! You told your Aunt the situation which was probably relayed to the bride and groom so I doubt they expected anything. It sounds like your cousin understood and isn't holding it against you and right now a lot of people are in your boat so forget about etiquette. I liked what Suze Orman said about gifts. If you can't afford to give a gift and you do it anyway it is not a gift you've given the receiver the burden of knowing you couldn't afford to do it.

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Ideally you should have brought at least a card (remember this for the future). Many brides keep each card in a box to cherish later. It's fun to remember who was there and what they wrote in the card. 'nuff said on that.

I suggest you invest a couple of dollars on a One Year Anniversary card and include a note explaining honestly what happened and how terrible you feel. She'll understand. If you feel the need to do more here are two suggestions. The 1st Anniversary is Paper. You can check out the local dollar store or Michael's for some really nice notecards, address books, and the like. Usually Michaels has some great little things for just a dollar and you could include this with the card. My other suggestion is something I'm working on now for a family member's wedding later this year (you may not have time for this but it's worth mentioning). Borders always has inexpensive journals that you can pick up for just a few dollars. You can use this to enter any number of things a newlywed could use. I'm putting together a collection of my family's (including my kids) favorite tried and true recipes. You could also do suggestions for a happy home, a list of how-to's (cleaning stains out of carpets, ink out of laundry, keeping the laughter in your marriage,...), write some poems, funny experiences. This could be something truly treasured as it comes from the heart and not a store...

Good luck and don't beat yourself up - but get it done!! :)

1 mom found this helpful

Let me preface my advice by saying that I hope you don't find it condescending. As a SAHM to a special-needs kid, I feel your financial pain completely.

If you must send an empty card, make it rich with sentiment. Think of something super nice and heartfelt. You don't have to go into a whole big "OMG, we were gonna send something, but then we couldn't, et cetera" if you express regret, either. Times are brutal for everyone. I got married when the economy was good and I didn't hold it against anyone if they couldn't afford to give a gift.

Are you crafty? I knit, and I haven't bought a single baby or wedding shower gift for the past five years. Another option would be to thrift around for something. I gave his and her embroidered napkins to two acquaintances when they got married, and they were all, "oh, look at the pretty antiques!"

Hang in there and good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I would do one of two things if I were you
1) buy a card and write a letter and tell your cousin the truth about your situation and how sorry you are about it-she is human right? And the economy hasn't gotten better since last year last time I checked...or 2) borrow the $ to get her a gift from the aunt or better yet your mother who believes you need to be made to feel worse than you already do...still send a card and explain why the gift is almost a year late. I know etiquette rules say a year is fine-personally I think that is way to long.

Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Since M. is the one concerned, why doesn't she give you some cash to send in a card. Then you can include a note explaining what you told us. Good Luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Honesty is the best policy. If they haven't heard it from other family members already, maybe a nice card telling them how much you enjoyed the wedding and was so special would be nice and just a little bit about wishing you could've done a little more.

If you also wanted to, how about framing the invitation (if someone has a copy) or like others suggested making a nice photo album. Michael's craft store has them in the back bins for $1.

Others, if you have a computer..how about a little documentation of the family tree (framed or so) to be shared with the generations. I know the KEEPSAKES website has a "Memory Day" document that tells of all the important things that happened on their wedding day (current events, historic events, who shares that day). They are like $10 and you could frame it yourself??

Everybody has hard times and I am sure they would understand. I don't think you "owe" them, but it would be classy to just recognize how special the day was for them!

1 mom found this helpful

I didn't get a "gift" from everyone who came to my wedding and I didn't find it rude at all. I'd tell your mom that if she was so worried about it she should give you the money to take care of it! :) lol

1 mom found this helpful

You do not have to apologize to anyone for your financial situation. How shallow is your cousin that you must give them a gift.

How about sending a card and saying something like:

"Wishing you a wonderful life together...although we aren't able to send a gift at this time, please know that we are so happy for you both and wish you a wonderful life together filled with joy and prosperity."

Not bad eh?

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with all the nice folks who said do a homemade gift or something of the kind and let them know the situation, and how much it meant to you to be there. I totally disagree with the people who think you are supposed to give a gift because you "had a night out" and the gift somehow repays the bride and groom for the wedding reception! ICK! That is the epitome of rude in my opinion. One invites people to their wedding because they want to share their special day with them, and a gift is well-a gift. Nothing more. Of course it is customary but not a payment! It's not a frickin' entertainment like a concert!

1 mom found this helpful

I did not receive a gift from each guest at my wedding. I did not care about a gift. BUT, I was upset at those who did not give us a card. If you aren't at the wedding/reception for just a free night of entertainment you should recognize the event for what it was. It's right to let the couple know you are there for them and wish them the best.

I like the suggestion of sending a card for the first anniversary. BUT, I would have borrowed $20 from my mother and sent something (a picture frame or something along that line).

Hello Nicole,
First let me say you are not the only in this situation! I have been there many time this past year, as many of our families have. Second, shame on your Mother for making you feel wporse then you already felt. In America, we often get caught up in the whole gift-giving, that we forget what it is really about! GIVING!!!
This may sound tacky, but depending on how close you are with the cousint hat got married....you could write her a note telling her what you told us, and hw you feel...Or maybe you could enlist your daughter in making something special...like oven mits or something!
I am VERY crafty when I have time, and have often made nice gifts for people at Christmas. They love the thought....
From what I gather, it sounds a sif your cousins are better off and have more then you all do at this time... I highly doubt they would want you to sacrifice any more then you already have, just to send them a gift.
Get creative, and if that doesnt work, I suspect a simple phone call and talk with your cousin will ease your mind, and remove that unneccssary guilt!
Good Luck!
jeanne F

Send them a 1 yr anniversary card. Do you have any nice photos from the wedding? If so frame one with a frame you have and send it, or buy the cardboard part at a craft or frame shop and send it. If your mother cares this much, she can buy the present for you. I think I would like a thoughtful card more than anything else.

Oh, you poor thing! It's too bad that your mom is making you feel bad about this.

I have a slight memory that a couple of our wedding guests did not bring gifts, but to be honest I don't remember who and didn't care at the time. Younger single guys, I think. I don't think people invite people to their weddings to get gifts, they invite them to celebrate with them. Especially relatives!

I think you should send a first anniversary card with a note that says something like, "I was thinking of the two of you and what a wonderful time we had celebrating your beautiful wedding with you this time last year. I'm sorry that finances don't allow me to send a gift, but I want you to know that you are close in my heart." If you have a photo of the event you could put in an inexpensive frame to send with it, that would be a nice touch, but I don't think you need to even do that. I think most people are touched that anyone remembers their anniversary at all!

Hi Nicole,

Are you crafty at all? There are some lovely patterns out there where you can sew a table runner or napkins. I don't think the kits are terribly expensive and can be found at michaels or Hobby Lobby

Another idea, might be to create a collection of family stories and send this to your cousin with a nice note.

No offense because many people these days are on a very tight budget but a little something goes along way. I like the idea one of the responders gave about Shutterfly. Create an inexpensive but thoughtful gift. You should not let it go. I don't know your situation but if you go out to eat forgo that and send the money/gift that you would have spent on a pizza etc...Unless you are on welfare or with a financial management company that has you on a restrictive budget you should be able to do a little something.

Since your aunt was kind enought to make the arrangements to have you go, it sounds like they already understand your financial hardships and they wanted you there to share in your cousin's special day - not for your gift or your money. Yes, it was like a "free dinner out" but on the other hand, it sounds like your aunt and your cousin were more than willing to give you a "free dinner" because they wanted you to be there. So don't be so hard on yourself. You probably think about it much more than your aunt or your cousin. And I don't think your mom should be telling you anything about it, if she knows your situation. If she can help you out by sending something in your name, she should do it (if it bothers her so much). If she can't then she should just let it drop. I don't know why everything should have to be about money. I had a very small wedding, because that's all we could afford. And I did not expect anything from anyone. I just wanted people to show up and share in our joy. I'm sure that's how your cousin feels too.

I think sending a one year anniversary card with a nice hand written letter is a great idea. Depending on how close you are with your cousin, you can explain the situation to her. If you don't feel that close to do that, just write how much you enjoyed being there for her wedding and how grateful you are that you could share that day with her. If you write a letter from your heart, that will not be an "empty" card. it will be full of love, which is so much more meaningful than money (sorry to get sappy).

Best of luck to you and your family! There are so many of us struggling right now and I just hope things start looking up soon (for all of us!)

You no what things happen. And people should not be that petty. You being at the wedding to your cousin should have been more important than a gift. If you can not buy her something then don't, your family should understand that times are definitely tough and that if you could not do it they should not make you feel like you have committed a crime. You have to do whats best for family if you are on a budget stick to it, your immediate family comes first.

I think you will need to send something. After all you partook in the reception and that is like a dinner out. So maybe you can come up with money for a dinner gift certificate for them. Its at the year mark and they may appreciate going out to dinner.
We were in financial straits at one time and I started cleaning houses part time. There are still people who are working that will pay for that and you can use that $ for the gift. Average prices for charging cleaning are $55-80 - cash. And you an work around your child's school schedule. Good luck!

Do you have any photos from the wedding?
If so you could send a little photo album and it would be
perfect to send them on their 1 year anniversary.

I know hind sight is always 20/20 - but you really should have taken a nice card with you to the wedding. I only say this because when we got married we have a few couples come, enjoy the big meal & entertainment & didn't even bring a card. My husband & I thought it was terribly rude for them to "not even bring a card with a sweet note in it".

At this point I think I would send them a very nice 1 year anniversary card & thank them for having you at their lovely wedding & that you hope they are doing wonderfully, etc.....

Thoughtful words & gestures mean more than monetary gifts anyways...

Is this eating at you???? Then, as bad as this sounds, you have to make amends. There are a lot of obstacles that you have put in front of yourself - many reasons WHY you did not offer ANY kind of present or acknowledgement at their wedding. Yes. That is rude.

Forget the wedding present. Give them a 1-year anniversary present by acknowledging their milestone. Let them know how gracious your aunt was in helping you get to their wedding because of your financial strain. Perhaps, invite them to your home for brunch on a Saturday or Sunday (give them a couple date options) ONLY if you really are that close. Or, plan a 1/2 way point on a week-end. Or, create something for them - a blanket, picture frame, ANYTHING that would not cost a lot of money. Bake cookies, barter with someone for a service if you can. When you say "out of town", do you mean "out of state" or another place in Illinois?

Have you even talked to your cousin AT ALL throughout this whole year? Just that phone call to keep in touch to let her know that you care but are in a financial bind - has that been made????

This Christmas - my husband's sister and family were invited to our home, as they are every year. Their first thought was to decline again - they declined last year. The difference last year was they chose not to even RSVP and tell us WHY they couldn't come. This year, they did RSVP and told us that money was so tight. They bought my children $5 gifts and came anyway. They wanted to be with family and gave what they could. I understand it's hard out there but if you don't communicate that to your cousin, no one will know what is going through your mind and your lack of gift giving can be misconstrued. There is no such thing as an "empty card" if your true sentiments are shared inside of it!

Good luck.

We usually don't attend a wedding if we can't afford a gift. But that said, why not just send a very nice 1st anniversary card with no gift? Times are tough. People don't (or shouldn't) plan a wedding just to receive gifts. Write something nice in the card letting them know how happy you were to be included in their wedding celebration and wish them well for the future and leave it at that. They should understand. If they don't, then oh well. Sometime down the line your finances will improve and you can always send an anniversary gift or nice gifts for children's birthdays.

Well if it were me, I would have atleast brought a card, but hindsight is always 20/20. It is very nice that you were able to attend, but your cousins did spend money to have you attend so I think you should attemp something.

I would make a call to your cousin now and send a congratulatory wedding card (maybe an anniversary card?). Tell her about your situation and that you wish you could send a gift. When you have the money, send something - maybe a gift certificate to a home store or a grocery store. Times are tough and your cousin will understand.

I can tell you, what you did was much more appropriate than what my aunt and her daughter did at my wedding. Horror story to follow...
My aunt gave a gift and then proceded to bounce the check. I incurred returned check fees for her lack of awareness as well as the loss of the gift. Her daughter, the black sheep of my family, was not initally invited. I was backed into a corner and ended up inviting her and her family. She showed up, with no card or even a congratulatory greeting (nothing). She then let her children run wild and steal one of my bridesmaid's boquets. Can you believe that?

Weddings are not about the gifts, or the money, however if you knew you couldn't afford either, why did you two go to the wedding?! I think it's tacky that you had a free night out, with dinner and drinks, and you brought nothing. And on someone elses dime. I agree with a PP. Don't send an empty card! Pictures, flowers, gift card, something. I hate to be rude but I think people often use these economic hard times as an excuse to throw etiquette out the window.

HI Nicole,
It sounds like your Aunt & cousin understands your finance problems already becasue they arrange to have you come and that was important to them to have you come. If you took pictures maybe you could make some kind of photo book on shutterfly, or collage with a Happy Anniversary them. This would mean alot to them without spending to much. It would cost around $8-$10 dollars.

Hi Nicole,

IMHO there is nothing wrong with having to wait a bit longer on a gift...maybe you will come into some money later down the road with the "stimulus" pckg. coming along or tax return money and you can then send a really nice gift or large sum of money then... people nowadays really DO understand the difficulties of financial stress.

Recently I was invited to a wedding (friend - not family) and opted not to attend any of the events b/c we are a large family and i could not afford a gift... really felt badly but instead of going just sent $50 - the max i could afford. In your case you attended the wedding which was a gift in intself...and that is family! YOu really have to.

The only other option I can think of is to be "creative" and send something homemade... do you crochet or sew? scrapbook? any kind of arts or crafts ? you cook? u might get creative and make them a gift for their home... sometimes these gifts are trhe best and most meaningful!

Hi, I think you got tons of advice, and the majority of them were nice. Of course you got some rude ones that say "you should of or could of". Well, you weren't asking about that! ha!

Anyway, you obviously sound like a great caring person. I think a 1-year anniversary card with a note saying what a lovely time you had would be PERFECT. They obviously understand your situation, and you don't have to beat yourself up. I know I did not get many 1-year anniversary cards from friends & family; and the ones that I did get, I reallllllyyyyy appreciated! That is what matters.

All the best to you and your family!!!!! Things will get better; just be patient and have faith.

Take care...

for what it's worth, I had a wedding which required most people to travel and there was a very wide range of "means" among our friends and family. We told people not to worry about a gift, that their presence at the event was the most important. We knew that many people were already sacrificing to make it there and I thought it would almost be rude of me to expect a gift.
The point - if I was your cousin I would recognize that your effort in attending and sharing the moment was the gift. Depending on your level of closeness, I would even say it'd be ok to have a heart to heart (or write a card) and tell her how much you regret not being able to do more. I'm sure she would feel bad to know that you've been beating yourself up about it for so long and would want to let you off the hook.
good luck.

Hey Nicole...I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. There are ways you can get a gift together, a little outside the box, but nonetheless possible. For instance, I am a partylite cons....we could do a party and give your cousin all the free stuff in product or a gift certificate...who doesn't love candles. not to mention, and I hope I am not overstepping, but sounds like you could use an income solution....email me back if you want some info on how you could earn a great income right away, I have been doing Parytlite for almost 10 years...great money and fun to do!!!!

hope you find a solution...M. :o)

send an IOU. Not kidding. When my sister got married I was still in college and pretty broke, but I told her that I would give her money but she had to tell me what she would use it for. She ended up using it for a real expensive vacumm and after she purchased it I gave her the check. It ended up being almost a year later.

When I got married she was broke but wanted to give me a similar valued thing. We had just moved into a new house and I suggested that she and her husband help us paint as a wedding gift. They lived 8 hours away, so it wasn't close but next time they came to town they did it for us.

So, maybe there is a service you could do for your cousin that would mean more to her then a gift.

The other option would be if there was something you could make for her. A painting? Sew something?

Good luck with your decision.

Did you ever consider a "made by hand from the heart " gift?. Are you into crafts? Perhaps a beautifully quilted photo album, Maybe a recipie collection of favorite family recipies, or a collage picture of the wedding, including evrey family member. As with my nephew's wedding.. there is one member of out family who is homeless.. It was a great surprise to him when we found this lost Uncle, cleaned him up a brought him to the wedding. He had no gift to bring either... but his being there was gift enough.

A few of my family attended rather then send a gift while a few sent a gift because they couldn't attend.
I wish they came instead!

I think the idea you and your brother have is fantastic. It will be one of their favorite gifts. Send it as a first anniversary gift so you don't even have to apologize about it being "late" as a wedding gift. We got a few of those for our first anniversary and they were so much fun to receive. Around the time of the wedding there are so many gifts, so yours, a year later commemorating their first year together will actually be a really nice treat!

I would not send an empty card. Can you get pictures together and make them an album? Yes, I am sure they have one from the photographer, but if you add little things like the invite, or personal notes about the wedding and they will be different shots. Since she is your cousin, other family members might have some great shots and not want to send just one. Ask people to send you pictures they took at the wedding that they want to share with the couple.
If people send you prints there is no real expense except to send them the album. Albums themselves you can get a Michaels with a 50% off coupon they run ads all the time or Walmart and Target have nice ones.

I know you said you don't have any money for this, but if it is important to you, collect change at the end of every day for a while and you will be surprised how that adds up. Or go on Freecycle and see if anyone has an empty wedding photo album...you would be surprised!

Is your mother in the same money crunch as you are? My mom would have offered a long time ago to just let me share her gift with her. I can't believe that your mother is mad at you, when she could have helped you out with just a few dollars to send a small picture frame and a card. I agree with the one year anniversary card and a note about thanking them for inviting you and having such a wonderful time at the wedding. You don't have to give them a long description about your money problems, just let them know how beautiful the wedding was and how you hope their first year married has been full of love and joy. Don't feel bad, life is full of rough times, your cousin will learn soon when they have kids.