No Help Husband

It's pretty normal, I think, but it shouldn't be. It's cool to be consistent with parenting chores, and your husband and daughter will bond and look back fondly on those times. I suggest you tackle one area at a time. Since he's pretty much declared he doesn't want to do baths, let that slide, at least for now. Bedtime is very rewarding, and will give you a much-needed break. Let that be "their" time. Praise your husband and shower him with affection for stepping up to the plate on that. The good feelings will spill over, and soon he'll probably want to do more.

Sounds to me like he is afraid . . . try asking him to help you do things with/for your daughter instead of asking him to do those things.

You could start by asking him to hold her/watch her in the "tub" while you grab something or do something for a minute. . . gradually the time away can increase and he might even realize that he like the bath/play time.

Same goes for bed, ask him to rock for a minute you have to use the restroom or something . ..

you get the picture. . . get him involved without putting him "in charge" he will get more comfortable. . .

Hi E.-

It's not unusual for husbands to be nervous about doing certain things with young babies and it also not unusual for them to believe that mom's somehow received some type of parent training at some point that they did not. The best thing you can do is sit down with him and explain that he is missing out on some very special bonding moments with his daughter by not taking part in these things. Your daughter is learning that Mommy is the one that takes care of her needs not Daddy. As she gets older and has booboos or wants to talk about something that happened at school it's always going to be Mommy that she comes to. He needs to get involved now! The next time you give her a bath have him come in to. If he's so nervous about it, you can have him give the bath while you coach him through it. I'm sure he'll do just fine! For your next GNO, give him instructions for how to put your daughter down for the night. You could always provide some incentive by letting him know that if she's asleep then the two of you can be alone :-)!

Good Luck!
K.

You dont say how old you all are...that might have something to do with it. Maybe I'm just fortunate or lucky, but the way I see it IT TOOK TWO of us to bring our kid in the world...my husband has got another thing coming if he thinks that I should do it all. Then again, maybe I'm pushier than you. The one big, huge mistake you CAN make is not telling him, in simple english (because they are not as smart as us) EXACTLY what you want them to do. Also, NEVER critisize a man what for he does do...if you do...you will lose 'em for sure. You, most likely, have a good guy, he just doesnt have those natural "Momma" instincts. Be kind, be nice, be patient...guide him. Mold him into what you want and need. A little patience and guidance will take you a long way.

Good Luck to you and your family,
Margaret :)

P.S. Another thing that I have always "heard" is, if this is you all's first baby, he might be a little scared. Fireman or not, men dont seem to take to babies like women. Praise him for a job well done...and most of all...TALK TO HIM.

During one of my visits to the doctor, my husband went with me. I think we were doing the ultasound. Anyway, the OB told my husband that he should be the one giving the baby a bath because that was time for him and the baby to bond. When our daughter was born he did just that. He was the one to give her her bath and she loved them. He would bathe and talk to her, telling her all about his day. When she got older it became play time for both of them. She had several rubber duckies and they would play "war". Its a guy thing. This gave me about 30 to 45 minutes of free time. Once she reached about 3 or 4 I started giving the baths because he started feeling uncomfortable with doing bath time because she was a little girl. When our son was born he just started doing the baths again. Your husband may be afraid. Talk to him. Also, see if you can't get the ped. involved to make suggestions to your husband. Coming from a doctor, it might help. Remember E., you work too. Staying home is the hardest job there is and you need to keep your identity. Keep encouraging him in a positive way. He will come around!

Totally normal.
http://www.amazon.com/Keeping-Baby-Alive-till-Your/dp/097...

http://www.amazon.com/What-Heck-Were-You-Expecting/dp/060...

The "manlier" the man, the more take charge they are, the more helpless they are with a baby that has total dependance on him.
Give him one of these books and some time to look over it. He will get that he is not the only one.
Doing this together and verbalizing the steps will help. It is something that really does need to be taught to many people, male and female. My mom did it for me, then I did it for DH.
If this still doesn't work, then toss some other chores on him until she gets older and he feels more comfortable with her.

I have learned to accept that my hubby is not the "hands on" type. He loves our son to pieces- but when it comes to taking care of him- it is up to me. I do stay at home and work. He does give me credit though- "I don't see how you do it" and "you are our son's favorite person in the world" "I don't know how we would make it without Moma" and that helps- I guess in their eyes since we stay at home we are the nurturers- and responsible for the kiddos. Not that I am saying it is right-but that is the way it is for so many Moms.
I feel like when he gets older (he is 1 now) that my hubby will have a bigger role. And when my little boy hugs me tight or smiles as soon as I walk in the room I know he appreciates me too. I am his world :)

HTH :)

My husband claimed he didn't know how to change diapers, so thought he should hand the baby to me every time he needed a change. I was like here, let's practice, now is your chance! I'll stand right next to you in case you need any help.

Now I have to say he is a diaper changing expert.

As far as not giving her a bath or putting her to bed on time when you are out, I'd probably let it slide. Babies don't need a bath every day, and you have to pick your battles (ie is it more important to you that he takes over more when home or sticks to your schedule when you are out).

It gets better. Hubby didn't help at all with baby #1, rarely even held her. Baby #2 he'd give bottle, burp, feed when solids started if I gave him what I wanted her to eat. Baby #3 he'd do those things PLUS change diapers! That was a grand feat. By then I did ask him to bathe them but the water was too hot so I didn't have him do THAT again. He also put their clothes on...backwards.

Baby #4 and he could do pretty much everything, including fixes their hair! But I still don't have him bathe them. And sometimes their clothes are still on backwards. LOL

I'm pregnant with #5 and while I'm still primarily the one responsible for their care, he's much more involved then he was in the beginning.

S., expecting ANY DAY!!

I think some men use the "your better at it than me" excuse to get out of a lot of things. My husband messed up and admitted that to me many years ago. Anything that "I'm better at", I will show him how so he can get better too. Men can learn to help. Someone else mentioned that it could be age but I don't think that has anything to do with it. My son-in-law had just turned 20 when my grandson was born and he has been hands-on since the day he was born. If there was something that he wasn't sure about he would ask. I still get calls for advice from him. He said that his father was very hands-off in his life and he didn't want to be like that to his children. My grandson is almost 18 months old. Because he works twice as many hours as my daughter he doesn't get to spend as much time with his son. And because of that, he has designated himself as the one to give baths and put the baby to bed. He says he wants to have special time with him. So with all that being said...Being a man, being young or working really is nothing but an excuse not a reason for not getting more involved in their child's life (which includes diaper changing, baths, meals and soothing when upset). I agree with the others who suggested teaching him by letting him do it while you stand there to offer moral support. Hopefully he will start helping you more. Unfortunately, I know more men like your husband than like my son-in-law. God bless you in your journey. This is the best career you could have ever chosen to have!!! Hang in there sweetie.

Welcome to my world. My husband is the full time guy. He once gave our son a bath but it truly freaks him out because babys become extreamly slippery. At one time we talked about having 4 kids. Thats out of the question now that I see I am the only one doing the hard stuff. He is more of a help when I ask him very nicely. He changes a diaper once a week and ewws and icks for half an hour, he will feed him baby food once in a blue moon, on the weekends when he stays up longer he will give our son a bottle if he wakes up while he is still up. You didnt say how old your girl was, the older our son gets the more comfortable he gets with him. I am intreasted to see what other moms have done with this situation. Best of luck. Hang in there mom. ( i know when i hear your better at it, i want to yell at my hubby and tell him he needs more practice) :)

I'm sorry for you. Many women endure this. Those of us who have husbands who jump in and help with babies have to put up with some other faults that your husband wouldn't have. I'm sure your husband is a great dad and a great provider. Be thankful for that. It is very common what you are feeling and having to do on your own. Maybe ask him to help you out in other ways that he would be more comfortable with.

True he may be afraid that he will hurt her in someway, this may be part of what is happening. He needs to talk with some of his friends who have children with you there. Next time you are around some of his friends that do have children ask them if they help in anyway with the kids when they get home. See what their answer is.

Sounds alot like my husband with my daughter and first born. He was nervous to do the bath and felt inferior when it came to putting her to bed but he did get better! He just had to build his confidence and feel more comfortable. With our second child he helped out ALOT more. Your husband isn't lazy just unsure of himself with baby care. Keep going on GNO and give him opportunities to build his confidence. Good luck!

I don't know about advice, but I can tell you that you are not alone. My son will be a year old in a couple weeks and last night is the first time my husband gave him a bath by himself. I do probably 95 percent of the feeding, bathing, changing duties. I have tried to talk to my husband a couple of times about it, but it seemed like that just stressed him out and made him feel like a "bad" dad. Then I just kept putting it out there as an option. My husband is actually very helpful around the house and does all the grocery shopping and cooking, so in many ways I am a very lucky woman. But after spending all day with my son, sometimes I would rather be the one who washes the supper dishes while dad gives baby a bath. It didn't seem to occur to him that we could swap jobs once in a while, so I just started asking "do you want to wash the dishes or give the baby a bath" I will admit that we aren't "there" yet, but he seems to think about it a little more and see that just because we have adopted certain roles and habits, doesn't mean that there isn't another way to do things. Don't know if what I wrote helps, but you are definitely not alone. I have heard many women with the same complaint. Good luck!

I wonder if your husband thinks like mine. He thinks it's my job even though I have a full time job and I am on call 24 hours everyday. At first he tried but them realized it was too much work. He works hard too. Well good luck in talking to him. Mine has not change my daughter is 3 1/2 yrs old I don't compalain anymore because shes older but I dress her and tie her shoes by myself in the morning while he just get himself all dolled up. Thank God I love thim too much.

You've already heard this; he is probably worried about hurting the baby. I don't think he is lazy, just possibly not too sure of himself when it comes to the detail of caring for baby. Gently encourage him to get over this. This is a great time to build the communication in your relationship. He may not even realize how important it is to you to have him participate in the baby's care.

Bathing is usually a fun time for babies, and this is a great time for him to have fun with the baby. And it will have its perks too that he probably hasn't thought about. By taking time to care for baby, he gives you time to take care of other things, perhaps washing dishes for example. And by easing the load on you, it will give you more special time with him after baby is asleep which becomes even more important as baby gets older.

Someone earlier posted her husband's concern about being the bad guy every night if he took responsibility for bedtime. I think she handled it very well. Consider asking your husband to read one story a night to baby. This could become a very soothing ritual, part of the bedtime routine, as baby becomes older.

Too often, I hear the guys at work say they have to 'babysit' the baby when they get home or over the weekend. Taking care of one's own child is not babysitting and it really disturbs me when I hear fathers say that. Encouraging the dads to become a part of everyday routines not only helps them build confidence in their parenting skills but also builds the relationship they develop with their child. And it definitely pays off when our children are older.

My husband says the same things about baths for our kids so he knows that he needs to do dinner dishes since bath is after dinner. If he wines then I tell him I'd be happy to switch duties - it's up to him. He chooses dishes. Men are much like children they just need to be given choices on "what" to do not "if" they'll do it. Just present him with choices. "The laundry needs to be done and the baby needs to be fed- which would you like to do?" "The baby needs to be fed and then put to bed- which would you like to do?" Good luck- stick with it!

Well it can take a while to go from two people with a baby to a functioning team. It is such a big change in life! When my son was smaller I would leave a schedule on the fridge of what needed to happen at what time, if I had to go somewhere. My hubby loved that because he didn't have to worry about what to do when. Now as far as the bath thing, I have started giving my little boy a bath around 4pm or so. It really helps me because our afternoons aren't that full but evening is loaded with dinner, cleanup and bed. So if I already have him bathed before his dad gets home, we all get to have a more relaxed evening together. Of course I know it would be really nice if your hubby would pitch in more, but I don't know that pressing that will help. I think I would just focus on what you can do to make your life easier and appreciate whatever he does do. If he is nervous about giving her a bath, would he be willing to unload the dishes, or take out the trash? Maybe you can come up with a trade off system. If he is playing with her and is bonding with her that way, that is good too. I am sorry you are feeling overworked, the life of a SAHM is so much more work than we realized, right!! I had no idea how much moms did until I became one:) Hang in there!

My hubby has only given my kids a bath a few times and they are almost 5 and 3! He is a soldier and was still nervous about giving them baths as babies =) He also never wanted to do bedtime and I never understood why b/c at the end of the day, I really wanted to just sit down and relax! But when our first was a baby, he finally confided in me that the reason he doesn't want to do bedtime is because he doesn't want to come home and an hour or 2 later be the bad guy making them go to bed! So I do the cleaning up, getting pjs on, brushing teeth, etc. and then he usually reads them a couple stories and sometimes sings with them. I totally understand now that the little time he is home on the weekdays before they are in bed, he wants to be the fun parent, not the one who they don't want to come home from work...see what I mean? Maybe your hubby feels the same way?
Feeding is another story though, I think giving bottles is a huge benefit for dads b/c they can bond with baby. And there's no reason he can't feed a child baby food...but my hubby would rarely remember to clean up the high chair afterwards LOL And you have to remember that he's not going to do it exactly like you and that's fine! As long as he's not feeding her something that shouldn't be in her diet, if he gives her too much fruit and not enough veges, it's not going to hurt her =) Or if he gets her to eat it a different way than you...well you just can't nitpick or he will retreat completely from the chore! And you can't stand over his shoulder either, that makes my hubby feel inadequate.
It really comes down to talking to him and finding out WHY he isn't helping with certain things, and maybe you can boost his confidence in some areas! (And it's really OK if a baby doesn't get a bath while you're out with your friends!)

Hi - My EX-husband told me that he would not help with our kids because his hands were too big. (he is also a 1st responder...a deputy). Truth of the matter is that children are "womens work" and he was too macho / lazy to help.

Only you know your husband to decide if he truly has fear issues or if he is trying to pawn everything off on you.

Good Luck.

Do you have the book "Be Prepared"? It is a hilarious, but surprisingly practical guide for dads. You don't say how old your daughter is. Is it just bath time, or is it diaper time, etc. at well? Is she old enough that waiting for you to get home from MNO is disrupting her sleep? If the answers to the foregoing are "yes", you are going to need to develop exit strategies so he doesn't have an option but to help. On the home front, my husband didn't bathe our twin boys for months - just watched me do it. Drove me nuts. It changed when I got hurt and wasn't able to do bath time. So I sat and guided him through the process. Once he realized it wasn't that hard, he became a lot more helpful with a lot of things. I also just flat out told him what I needed him to do for me from time to time. He did a lot better when he had a clear plan. Good luck.

I am also a stay at home mom. My husband works from home and at 5:00, he shuts it down. He focuses on our son. He gives him his baths, gives him dinner, etc. He has always been a hands-on-dad. Your husband needs to stop acting like a fair weather parent and step in. It is a partnership. And here is the most important part, you are partners, all the time. As your daughter grows, she will see how his involvement with her and it will affect. The more he is involved the better it is for her. He needs to be there in the good and the bad. If he gets nervous about bath time offer to walk him through it. In the same way you understand him, he needs to understand you. I understand that the basic care falls on you since you are a SAHM, but he needs to be involved just as much. I bet if you were both working, he would expect you to do it all. I don't think so, it takes the two of you and he needs to know that. Good luck to you.

Morning E.;

Yes, that's normal because it is a little girl!!

We men have problems with bathing or changing little girls because of how easy it is for someone to call us a pervert!
Just accept it and love them both. She will be 15 tomorrow!
B. C.

My husband is very hands on and helps me tremendously. However, bathtime has always been a fear factor for him. Our son is now three and he had to step in after the C-section of our latest. Now that I'm recovered, he'll give him a bath occasionally when I'm wiped out. With the newborn (2 1/2 mths), he's never bathed her yet and I'm not seeing it for a while. He helps out with feedings, particularly burping since he gets better burps than I do. As my son has gotten older, we both put him to bed and make it a family affair of tucks and loves. Our baby even comes sometimes to give him sugars. He always does the bedtime story.

I was just telling my husband earlier, I think the bonds that are formed with fathers when they help out when they are babies and toddlers will be much needed when they turn into teenagers and you need the doors to be open. As opposed to having to open the door for communication, it's already open. There's a headstart on communication and trust.

I liked the advice you've received on roping him in a little at a time. With my son, I'll go in and give him a good scrubbing and wash his hair and then step out and ask my husband to watch over him when he's playing. He then ends up getting him out and drying him off and putting PJs on.

You have a lazy husband who does not care. Plus, he knows you are going to do it. Good luck.

He probably wouldn't be that way with a little boy. Some men are just afraid of little girls. He doesn't want any other man touching her so he won't either. Don't make such a big deal of it. When it's bath time, you give her the bath and ask him to do one of the chores you would be doing. When it's GNO, either you bathe her early, or let her go to bed without a bath. Nobody ever got sick because they didn't have a bath everynight.