New Stepmom... I Don't Know What I'm Doing!

Try to keep him on the same schedule his mom had him on when he is with her on the weekends. It will help give him some comfort to know what is about to happen next.

Find out what his bedtime routine is. Does he use a nightlight, does he have a sound machine, is there a lovey he needs with him?

Maybe let him pick out a toothbrush and sheets that will be for him at your house. He will have some ownership. Get him some outdoor toys. a bike a swing... Our daughter loved the Twizzler and Airpogo.. Get him a book case so you can start his own library at your house. Purchase some games that the 3 of you can play.

I remember our stepmom is the one that introduced us to camping. She had a tent, sleeping bags. It was so much fun learning along with our dad how to camp. See if you can something similar.

Let your stepson know what the rules are about food, what rooms he is allowed in etc.. Give him a full tour so he will feel at home. Let him know which bathroom is his.

To make him feel more comfortable, ask him for help. Ask him his opinions. Let him freely speak about his mother and their life together.

Take pictures of him and place them around your house in frames.
You sound like a very nice person. He is lucky to have you as part of his life. You will do great.

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I will share with you the wonderful advice that I received from MY own Step-mom when I became a step-mom.

"You have chosen to be in a relationship with a man who has children. They are not obligated to love you, but because of your choice, you need to love them. Your main job is to facilatate a loving relationship between your "spouse" and his children. Do not take any rejection of you personally, kids are very loyal to their birth mom, just be open and accepting."

I am not saying that it is easy, but I pick up some things in your note: you say that the birth mom "claims" that the child has sensitive skin. Why would you doubt her? (maybe the reason you don't see any rash is because mom uses stuff kid isn't allergic too). More importantly, why put any negitive energy at all? Just use the same laundry detergent she does and let it go.....besides, asking her, "what is the best laundry soap for Jr.?" shows respect to her and her child.

No, it isn't easy, and sometimes as the step parent, you get the blame, but trust me, it is so worth it. I am loved by my step-kids in a special way and I love them too. I did not try to suplaint their mom, just to supliament!

If you do not feel comfortable speaking with his ex, write her a nice note and ask her, "what kinds of foods does Jr. prefer? Does he have any fears we should know about? (I wish I had asked this one before the first time the kids spent the night and 4 year old woke up screaming!) Ask the 5 year old if there are special toys he would like to leave at Daddy's? Take him with you when you shop for sheets and comforters and let him pick them out - anything to make the child feel that your home is his home too.

I could go on, but I think you get my drift......Bless you and Best of Luck!

5 moms found this helpful

I agree. Ask the mother what she uses and provide those in your home. He could very easily have sensitive skin that does not appear sensitive because she is using those products. It could also be that he doesn't have sensitive skin but she believes that he does and thus uses those products. This issue, as you said, is not worth "rocking the boat" over.

Asking for his mother's advice will contribute to a good relationship with her. She may be difficult to talk with now but she will probably warm up over time.

As to advice on being a step-mom, read some of the really good books available. You can find some at the library.

4 moms found this helpful

Kids can have sensitive skin without it being noticable, unless having a break out. you should ask the mom what soaps, shamppos etc she uses, as its best not to switch soaps and lotions etc.
With my son I have to use Laundry soaps, fabric softners and lotions, body wash, shampoo that are free of dyes, and scents.

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I wanted to comment on the sensitive skin issue. The reason you may not notice it is because the mother is probably taking precautions so that it does not flare up, including special laundry detergent - maybe Dreft, or a dye free, perfume free one. I would ask the mother (either personally or via your boyfriend) what she uses, and continue with that. I also think whatever schedule he has at home should be complied with in your home - to make things easier on the boy and not interrupt his regular schedule. As far as what you NEED for a 5 y/o in the house, ask about his interests - books? video games, bike riding? - and go from there. See if the mother has any limitations on things like video games (if he's even into them and allowed to play - most of us limit video game time according to the child's age), or enforces protective gear (skateboarding, bike riding, etc), things like that. I suggest that a good communication between all three (or four if she is married or has a live in partner) adults is ideal and the key to a good relationship all around, if it is possible. Best of luck to you and kudos for wanting to do the right thing :)

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In all honesty as a step-mom and now a mom, I would make an effort to sit down or at least email with her and ask for her input (not advice necessarily). It took me and my step-son's mom awhile but being friendly makes things SO much easier. If ok with your man, I'd reach out to her via a note or email and see what happens.

And, don't be doubting what she says (like the sensitive skin)... she's the child's mom and will like to believe she knows best. So ask what you need to but be respectful of her answers.

Good luck!

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My granddaughter has severe eczema and my daughter and I have worked very hard to find the exact science of products that keeps her skin healthy. When my granddaughter goes for weekends with her dad and other grandma they frequently ignore the lists we sent. She comes home with open bleeding sores.
Mom should want to be helpful concerning son's health.
If she is not, look for laundry products that are free and clear of all fragrances and dyes. I don't use any kind a fabric softener on my granddaughters clothes.
I don't have any advice to offer as a stepmom. As you probably know kids just need healthy doses of respect and love, with a pinch of discipline.
Add spoiling as needed.

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It's all below! great advice, brand names, experiential reasoning, and support.

I add my support & my encouragement to you - I am confident that your thoughtfulness and teaching experience will help make you a super parent - and thanks to you for your consideration of both the child and his Mom.

A thought; use the local library and YMCA (or similar) for resources that he can do alone or with you/you and his Dad. We would be bankrupt if we bought all the books our daughter reads!

The best step-parents I know are consistent, loving, and have rules that they are clear and fair about. They give healthy doses of praise, hugs and approval, and they avoid trash-talk or even tone-of-voice negatives about the parent who isn't there.

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Since I'm assuming YOU can't ask mum... I would write up a list and have your BF email his XW... wanting things to be as consistent as possible, etc. / so forth.

Good on you for being so considerate... there have been times in my marriage where I haven't divorced my H, purely out of fear for whom he'd bring into my kiddo's life. THANKYOU for being one of the good ones.

R

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I use all unscented/colored or Kirkland (Costco's brand) to wash clothes. I also use unscented/colored soap, my body soap preference is Dove.

Good luck! I'm a step-mom and mom, being a step mom is by far my most challenging role. Not because of the child at all, but because of her b**** of a mom.

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Just love the child like you would your own. Include him some of your plans with your boyfriend such as outings,day trips,vacations,game night.(not to say you can't have time alone with your boyfriend) Don't let him feel as though you are taking him away from his Dad.You are his Dad's girlfriend not his mother (make sure he knows you are not trying to take his mother's place but will always be there for him. I became a stepmom at the age of 18 and even though I divorced that man almost 20 years ago his children and grandchildren are still a big part of my family.Hopefully your boyfriend will support you cause if he doesn't you will be in for one hell of a ride.

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You should sit down with your boyfriend and talk about parenting expectaions and disipline. My BIL and his wife have never done this and thier marriage is about to fall apart because of it!

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My mom made it difficult for my stepmom too when she came into our lives. So unfair. Did she at least tell you what special detergent and soaps her child must use? I would think your boyfriend would know what soaps his son needs by now (unless the mom is just now making this up or something) but in any case HE should ask her what the son needs.

As far as what the boy needs for the weekend...it's fairly easy at this stage in his life...some toys (bond with him by asking him what his favorite things are---like fire trucks or transformers or something) or tell him you want him to have some fun stuff at your house and take him to the store and let him pick it out. Obviously BEFORE you let him run wild in the toy department let him know he can pick out 1-2 things and then you'll work on building it up over time. Maybe buy a couple kids friendly dvds for rainy days or puzzles. For food...he'll eat what you eat (hopefully unless he's a picky eater but i would also think your boyfriend would know that by now). You could have juice boxes or fruit snacks as a treat or something like that.

My advice about being a stepmom...well I am not one...but my stepmom I consider my mother. She married my Dad when I was 11 and I moved in with them when I was 14. She never tried to be my mother...but she did discipline me (and my sister) . As an adult she let us know that she had my Dad back her in all her decisions so we couldn't go around her and convince Dad to give us what we wanted. So you and your boyfriend need to chat and agree on discipline methods and he also needs to let his son know that he needs to listen to you. On the bright side ....he is only 5 so he's more apt to accept you than a teenager. I'm sure you'll be fine.

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Well if specific products are needed for cleaning clothes and giving him a bath... she should tell you what she uses. For what you need... well if dad doesn't know I would be a little worried. If you are just trying to be proactive (which I totally understand!!) make sure he has some toys that he likes, foods that he likes and clothes. He is probably old enough to help with the picking of some things. If he has a bike at dad's... make sure he has a helmet. Make sure you have a booster seat that is appropriate for his size.

I am a step-mom, and I tend to feel that I've some some things right. I met my husband 6 years ago and at the time the boys were 3 1/2 and 9. After a year or so he wanted me to move in. I have very strong feelings about this. I did not move in until we were married. Ofcourse I stayed the night when he didn't have the boys. It was important to me that the boys saw a better example of how a woman should be treated than what they were seeing at their mom's. With her they were in a one room apt... and she had the room. They slept on a couch. She would have her boyfriend stay the night and the boys wouldn't see them until well in to the afternoon!!

We have been married for just over 3 years and have a 15 month old of our own. We have the big guys every other week. When I can still get a hug from the 15 year old when he goes to bed and an "I love you too," this is what tells me that I've done something right!!

The big things... Make sure he knows that he can come to you about anything... Make sure he knows that you are not trying to take the place of his mom... As hard as it is, never say bad things about his mom in front of him... Be his friend and always do what is best for him. Have fun. I never wanted to be a step-mom but I have to say they bring a smile to my face every day and they have to be the best step-sons a step-mom could ever have!!!

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Use products that are fragrance free and dye freeand go for more natural and organic products. I am not a step mom but I had one as a kid. I appreciated my step mom for being there for me as a friend and not trying to replace my mom. Sounds like you have a lot of experience with kids so I am sure you will be great. Good luck!

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I switched to Dreft when my Granddaughter starting showing a reaction to Tide and other detergents. Lot's of outside activities! Five year olds have lots of energy! After you have worn him out, keep a movie on hand for him to settle down with. Educational toys are always good. Mom will be amazed when her son comes home having learned something new, like fractions! (little chuckle there) Enjoy! You are in for the ride of a lifetime!!!

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How about a minimal texting relationship with her?

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Dreft or any hypo allergenic "clean" detergent that doesn't have dyes or anything else added. For his skin, my dermatologist recommended lubriderm but aveeno cream and lotions are fantastic (a little more expensive). For bathing, make sure you don't use anything too harsh to wash with and put lotion on within a couple of minutes of getting out of the bath, it will keep his skin from drying out.
Good luck with your new position. My personal opinion (as one who was the child in this scenario) would be to see what he's into and have that type of stuff around, baseball, animals, star wars... Always be interested in what he's doing and be involved but know that, at least for now, it's more important that he have quality time with his dad. If he sees that you are only going to encourage that relationship rather than hinder it, he will embrace everything about you much more quickly. Apologies if you weren't really looking for that type of advice. Take care!

I totally appreciate your position and desire to play a positive and proactive role in your stepson's life. (I've been a stepmom for about 7 years now and my husband's ex-wife is pretty incommunicado.) And while I know that you asked for specific ideas for a 5 year old, I'd like to sound in based on my own experience: it's really up to your husband to take a proactive role in setting up the house, finding the correct detergent, etc. He's the father, and as a stepmom you can be a positive influence in the child's life and love him to death, but you may be in for alot of heartache and conflict if you attempt to take on the fundamentals of mothering - especially if your boyfriend doesn't currently have the answers himself. Of course, you'll end up doing laundry or shopping for the boy, etc, over time, but my best advice is to let your boyfriend take the lead.

Many men aren't naturally inclined to have a clue about things like correct detergent, organic eating or any of the finer things of raising a child, but single fathers can and do step up to figure it out. Also, my personal opinion is that there's sometimes a benefit to a father's benign cluelessness to his child - it's a different interaction, and one that a child may benefit from. It's not up to you to rush to fill in the gap.

I wish I could recommend various books on stepmothering, but there really is a gap in the subject area - I never found one that wasn't silly or overly clincal. But my best advice is to focus on being a positive influence, and think less about the tasks and responsibilities of "being a mother": you're not the mother, and he has a father who should be taking the lead. It took me years to figure this out (and I'd really wanted to take on all the duties of motherhood) - but it's just not how it works.

Good luck.

I'm allergic to many soaps. We do not... repeat DO NOT use dryer sheets. Those are the worst for sensitive skin. We use Dreft or the no colors/dyes/scents (they usually say dermatologist tested) Tide or Arm and Hammer. There are several - my rashes really were much better after simply stopping use of dryer sheets. I use Dove or baby soaps in the shower. Good luck and congratulations!

Make your boyfriend ask the mother what the child needs. You think he would know.....hmmmm. When is the wedding?

relax biological mom are trial and error also. I have both step and biological treat them as you would your own. I use all free and clear and hypoallergenic body wash.

I use 7th Generation "Baby" formula (at Babies R Us, Target and Henry's) - LOVE IT! Also, Method has these great 'Baby' dryer sheets that I use.
Good luck! :)