Our eldest daughter has been acting out at bedtime the last couple of weeks, and it's starting to take its toll on us. By way of background, we have a family bed and have co-slept since she was a baby. This works great for us, and we do not want to change it. Our typical routine is that I bath her, we brush teeth and get her pajamas on, then I read a chapter from one of our chapter books, I sing her a song, and then I kiss her good night and leave the room. This was working, at least for a couple of months. Previously, I'd lay down next to her in bed anywhere from five to 20 minutes and once she fell asleep, I'd leave the room and she'd stay asleep.
Now she's having a hard time falling asleep and won't stay in bed. She calls out to us, demands to be "checked on", and gets out of bed and comes into our living room. She claims to be scared and demands that one of us come to bed with her. We've tried a variety of tactics, some that reflect our earnest desire to be gentle, loving, respectful parents and some that resulted from lack of success with the gentle techniques. In one of the worst exchanges, I caught myself verbally berating her and alternately begging her to listen to us, in between threatening her with "lights out" (she likes to have the hallway light on) and loss of all of the toys that she holds dear. These less gentle tactics aren't working, either, and her behavior escalates as we try various ways of dealing with her. Taking away her favorite toy as "punishment" worked okay; she got it back two days later after doing okay at bedtime) but it's not really our normal style. Anyone else (preferably with a family bed, or similar experience) go through this with your child at around age four? What worked to help him/her go to sleep?
I want to thank *everyone* who responded to my request for advice. Your responses were just what we needed to help us rethink our approach and regroup back to a loving, caring method versus the other more coercive tactics. Earlier this week, buoyed by your advice, I told DD that we were going to try a new sleep plan, that we don't want her to feel scared, that we don't want to say mean things or take away stuff. I told her that we would do the usual routine (bath, teeth, pajamas, chapter, song) and then I would sit in a chair next to the bed reading while she fell asleep. For the last two nights under the new sleep plan, she has fallen asleep in less than 15 minutes! We'll keep trying this approach until she no longer needs me to stay with her--- I very much appreciate everyone's kind reminders that this, too, shall pass and that these sleep issues come and go. In the meantime, she likes the new sleep plan and the evenings are feeling less stressful for everyone here.
In my opinion, if you are going to continue sleeping with her, you are going to continue to have problems. I simply do not understand this sleeping together business. I truly don't think it's healthy for anyone, parent or child.
I guess 4 is the magic number for sleep problems. My son went through it too, he'd go to bed at 8:00 and not fall asleep until almost 10:30. He'd call me every couple of minutes, it was getting really hard to deal with since he shares a bed with older brother that falls asleep quickly, didn't want my 4 year old to wake his brother up calling for me. What worked for me was cutting his naptime by about 20-30 minutes, worked for him. Now he falls asleep quicker.
Glad to know were not the only ones dealing with this issue. LOL. Our daughter is almost 4 and we expecting our 2nd in a month & a half. She finally started sleeping in her own room and bed when she turned 3.5. Then getting ready for the baby she wanted to paint her own room and loves her room but after the holidays and family staying with us her sleep was screwed up. It takes over an hour to get her to bed and usually us getting upset. I find that praising her when she does sleep in her bed and goes to sleep when its bed time helps, I make a big deal Im so proud of you see I knew you were a Big Girl, give me high five. We put stickers on a sheet and after a week she gets a prize at the $ store or gets to go do something fun. She likes to watch tv in the car on the way to work, if she doesnt sleep in her bed all night I tell her maybe tomorrow you can watch it if you go to bed and stand by my word even after she says please I'll be good. Its still a struggle and some nights are better than others, trying to have a routine, praising make them feel good and special and taking away favorite things helps. But we have had her just cry it out at times it doesnt. Good Luck-- T.
We don't co-sleep, but our 5 year old son does this also. It is normal and just takes time. We do the routine, then check back in 5 minutes, then 10 minutes later, then 20 minutes after that, etc. Until he falls asleep. Usually he's asleep by the 20 minute marker because he knows we will always check on him. When he gets out of bed we lead him by the hand and put him back in bed without talking. Usually we don't have to take him back, sometimes we'll have to lead him back several times a night! Good luck and I hope you find something that works for your family!
Hi E.,
You've got lots of great encouragement here. Thought I'd put in my 2 bits worth.
When son went through this I reverted to a technique I used when he was much younger. I wanted to communicate love and trust and reassurance without making him dependent on having me there in order to fall asleep.
We would go through our bedtime routine and then I would get up to leave the room - of course he would beg me to stay. I would tell him that I would come in to check on him and give him a kiss in 5 minutes. I would leave the room and then go back in 5 minutes, give him a kiss, say good night and leave the room again. He would want me to stay, but I would tell him I would come back again in a few minutes. If he called out to me before 5 minutes (of course he did) I would call back "I'll be in in a few minutes."
For the first few nights I would go back in several times at short intervals. I want him to really trust that I am there and can be counted on. After a couple of nights I started stretching out the intervals. Eventually he got better at putting himself to sleep.
I also have a CD called "Sweet Dreams" by storyteller Jim Weiss. It has several "guided meditations" for children. They basically describe a scene in great detail (a meadow, cottage in the woods with deer playing out front, a toy store, etc). My son still uses this sometimes - especially when he is feeling scared (gives him something else to focus on). He always falls asleep before it is over.
Good luck and congratulations on the new baby!
-C.
E.,
My son, now 6, was an incredible sleeper, whether in my bed or if went into his room by our goodnight routine, which is steady with wind down time, tidy, bath, brush, sing, read, prayers..at 4 all of his sleep issues, including night waking emerged. I so get your situation and also know how exhausted you will become without relief. In my experience, just tending to their needs, which are real for them, doing the "checking in on" them, comforting, laying down with them, asking them about their day, ideas, wonders, not argueing with their deep rooted needs for reassurance, will save you a lot of stress. You cannot disciline emotion and this is coming from an emotional place. Also, you mention that you are away during the day, no doubt working hard for your family and your husband if giving all he has. Does not matter, she misses you and will do anyting she can subconsiously to get that missed connection with you and bedtime may not be enough for her. My just turned 3 year old daughter did all of this very young as she is quite precocious..I was her binky as a baby, we co slept and she had downright disdain for her crib. I needed more sleept than I was giving but she needed me. We got her a big girl bed and I lay down with her and over time, she has grown more at peace with her sleep routine. I share this because every child is different but all children need affection, reassurance and comfort. Now do not get me wrong, I am one up on delays, stall tactics, bedtime sillies and whinies but I have honestly tried it all and extra love, dousing them with extra time, lovies, stories, backrubs and the engergy of wanting to be there (they so pick up on the rushed, go to sleep already vibe)..and enjoying this precious and FLEETING window..as in just a few years I will hear "Mom, can you close my door on your way out" and in the meantime, the bed time stuff will wax and wane as they go through changes, growth, dreams, nightmares, frienships, school pressure, emotional and cognitive growth, just like you and I.
Hi, E.,
We have a family bed, but with a 2nd child, it was getting WAY too crowded, so our 3 year old chose to leave kind of on his own. What helped him go to sleep without me there is a night light that changes colors constantly. It is plugged in just a few inches away from his face, so he stares at it and it gently relaxes him and puts him to sleep. He also has the same mellow CD on every night and if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he turns it on by himself and never even comes to wake us up anymore like he used to! She may just be going through a phase, as they all do. Maybe she isn't as tired and needs to go to bed just a little later now. Mine goes to bed at 9:30 PM and I cannot get him to sleep any earlier, as he just is not sleepy yet! Maybe music or a light would help if you don't use it already.I would talk to her as the other mom suggested in the middle of the day about it. Why she doesn't want to go to sleep, etc., and maybe she will be able to communicate it to you at that point in time. I also tell my now 4 year old when i tuck him in that I will come back in and give him a kiss again later on as long as he is asleep and that seems to work. He looks forward to it, even though he is asleep (and I don't REALLY have to go in again)
good luck!
We have been going through this for almost 2 years with our now six year old dd. We finally bought a lava lamp last week for the bedroom. It seems to help her with her fears as it allows enough light she can see around the room but no scary shadows and the slow movement is soothing. The lava lamp cannot be turned on during the day so she has actually been looking forward to bedtime. Something else that helped us was moving bedtime earlier. She is able to stay up half the night and be pleasant but she really needed to go to bed between 7:30 and 8.
We started having the same issues with our daughter whens he was about 4 (she is 6 now). We tried the sticker charts, we tried rewards and punishments...nothing worked. Finally one night, she came out to the living room dn i was trying to finish up an e-mail that I had to get out and I told her, "If you can go to bed, be quiet and stay in bed for 15 minutes, I will come check on you" In 15 minutes, I went to check on her and she was fast asleep! We stilluse it today when she has trouble falling asleep!
Hi E., you mention that you have a baby born in 2009... it sounds like your older daughter is trying to get some extra attention in her adjusting to having a newborn around. Try talking to her during the day about how she feels. It's easy to see the older sibling as a 'problem' when you are dealing with a newborn, but it's a huge adjustment for your previous 'only child' to see so much of your energy and attention going to somebody else.
If I'm understanding, you have a child born this year in 2009...a newborn! Congratulations. I'm sure that's why the sleeping issues have become difficult. You're older daughter is probably still adjusting. My daughter at 4 years old acted out when our baby was born also, but it didn't last long. I'm sorry I don't have other suggestions...but it will get better.
Hi E.,
I would try talking to her during the day when she is in a positive chatty mood and come up with a bedtime plan together. Just explain to her what's not working, what your expectations are and ask her how she thinks would be the best way to achieve it? If she comes up with the solution, she is much more likely to stick to it.
I would also suggest a positive reinforcment plan rather than a negative one. Instead of taking something away - which you said is not really your style anyway - maybe try something like a star chart. If she goes to bed withour getting up she gets a star. If she gets a certain number of stars then she can have something special - a trip to the park alone with you or an ice cream or a balloon or whatever it is that would motivate her. Let her choose.
Good luck and if nothing else, this too shall pass. All too soon she'll want her own room and space and you'll remmeber these days of her needing that extra cuddle with a smile.
D..x
Our oldest, 4 yrs at the time, kept coming in our room and climbing in bed with us when he's slept in his own bed for several years now. He was having lots of fears and nightmares, which I've read countlessly is common for that age. Not to mention, I'm sure the baby is definitely on her mind and what's going to happen to her place in bed. Maybe a talk about this would do wonders.
What worked for us:
music - we have some lullibys and some fun songs, he always opts for the fun songs and contrary to our thoughts, it doesn't keep him up, but it runs for at least an hour - the noise drowns out other "bumps in the night" and becomes soothing and familiar with repeated use
2 night lights, a hall light and a flash light by his bed
his own water bottle in bed
and if he's having a really hard time, he can look at some books by himself with his flashlight IN BED until he gets tired or for 20 min or so
we check in on him in about 15 min after bedtime, and if still awake check in again in another 15 min, if still awake, we troubleshoot and try to get him to sleep
no climbing in bed with us rule until sunrise, but after sunrise, he is free to come sleep with us until we get up (which wouldn't work in your case, but maybe a modified version)
a stuffed "lovey" to keep him company
a shorter nap time, or insisting on a nap time/quiet time during the day if she isn't sleeping well at night (which might be inspiration enough to close those eyes tight)
she needs her own bed.
I'm sure it's temporary and because of the new baby. She's probably feeling insecure because she's not the only one anymore. Just reassure her all day how much she is loved and special and unique, and she should get through this just fine. I co-slept with my daughter for many years as well, I think it's wonderful. Take care, C.
Our 5-year has slept in his own room since he was a newborn. He's was an excellent sleeper until he turned 4. We replaced his nightlight with one that turned on and off with different colors. What a mistake! It was creating shadows in his room, which scared him. It took us several weeks to figure out why he was coming into our room 2 and 3 times a night...exhausting for everyone. We put back the original night light. That fixed the problem for a while. When we leave his room at night, he started saying "check on me in 10 minutes." We didn't mind doing that. Usually, he was asleep.
Cut to a year later...he says he doesn't like the dark. He's always had the nightlight, but that wasn't enough. We left his dresser light on...still not enough. He also wanted his door left open and the hallway light left on...OK, not a problem. He recently started coming into our room in the middle of the night to "check on us". He doesn't ask to climb into our bed. He just comes in our room and then leaves. I was very concerned, because he was becoming very sleep-deprived...so were we because we were waking up. We tried all the tactics you tried with your daughter and nothing worked. We were all miserable. We finally decided that everyone getting a good night sleep was the priority.
We asked him how we could help. He asked us to sit with him while he falls asleep. We do it! One of us sits in his room for about 15 to 20 minutes to make sure he's asleep after we finish all the bedtime routine stuff. We turn ON his dresser light when we leave his room. We leave his door open slighty so he can see the light on in the hallway. It works most nights. Last night, he was awake before 3AM and starting to cry while he was sitting on the floor by his bed. I brought him to our bed to sleep and he fell asleep while I went to the bathroom. Other nights, I can hear him through the baby monitor. He's awake for a while, but he's turn on a floor lamp and then goes back to sleep by himself. We do praise him when he successfully sleeps all night long.
I hope this phase is short for us and for you. Good luck!
Hi E.,
Have you tried talking to her about bedtime at some other time of day. Once she is already worked up about it, it's probably to late to reason with her. Try talking about bedtime early in the day so you both have a chance to be heard.
Another idea is to start "dream dates." My three year old son and I do this and it has really helped him with falling asleep alone (and for nights he's not with me). Just agree on some place fun you would like to meet in your dreams. We don't do it every night, just when he asks (when he's feeling fragile) but it seems to offer him a lot of security.
hope this helps
T.
Sorry i do not have any great advice-bedtime is not an enjoyable time (2-3 hour ordeal every night) at our house-water-snack-playtime-one more hug-you name it.
You do not mention it-but just want to make sure you have cut out her nap?
My 4 y/o boys nap at preschool-and are just literally NOT tired before 10 or 11. On weekends home with us, and no nap, it is more like 8 or 9.
A friend who was having bedtime issues (though not with a family bed) gave her daughter three post it notes each night. Each one represented one attention thing: mommy or Daddy checking in: one note, a drink of water is a note, a trip to the potty after the routine is done: one note. She said it worked for her and that her daughter stopped asking so much for whatever... having the limit of three made her think about it first, and I think she got a special treat if she had all three the next morning (like a sticker on a chart or something).
Maybe it'll work for you? Good luck!
Dear E.,
first of all you might want to ask what's the matter? after she tells you, hoping that she does, tell her you have a special magical sleeping potion and that you will give her 1 tablespoon every night. Prepare the bottle with a special label "magical sleeping potion" and fill with water. Before giving it to her also have a small glass of water handy to "rinse out the awful taste of the sleeping potion." Create a ritual and tell her the potion is absolutely sure to work when taken with a water chaser. talk to her in a calm and very self assured voice and be sure you believe what you say.
enjoy your night time ritual.
S.
Hi E.,
From my experience, her reaction is pretty normal. Both of my boys went through "scared phases" around age 4.
It sounds like you have a new baby in the home to snuggle :O) Congratulations. This could be part of your problem. No matter how hard we try (as mommies) to make the older kid feel secure and loved around a newborn, they still have ways of feelings insecure.
You might just have to lay down with her at night until she falls asleep. It's her way of "knowing" that you still love her just as much as you used to :O)
~Blessings.
~N. :O)
We have a family bed but with the 3rd on the way we decided to get another mattress to put next to the king size one just for my 4 1/2 year old son. He seems to like having his own space but also likes to be near us. When his younger sister was born he had some trouble adjusting and now that another one is on the way I can see he is craving a bit more one on one time. So, after we do the bath and story time we turn out the light and talk about our day and fears or I have been telling him lots of stories about when he was a baby and reassuring him that we love him etc. Somehow not having to look me directly in the eye allows for a bit more freedom to discuss what may be bothering him and then he can go to sleep a bit more easily knowing that he is still important. Maybe your daughter is unsure of where she stands now that there is a new baby in the house so she just may need a bit more time to adjust and sort out her feelings with your help.
