New Mom of Fourth Child

Oh man...that's hard. I feel for ya.

Society makes it so hard for families (especially with evening activities)to find the time to stay connected. I've heard of these things helping people.

Perhaps your entire family needs to slow down a bit. Stick to one activity per child. Maybe too late for the fall season of activities, but there is hope for getting a handle on your families future schedules.

Study's show that a a set time for supper everynight helps children feel more stable, and less are proven to be less likely to get into trouble in their personal lives later. it's the standard family time that is scheduled and are counted on. We do Dinner everynight and activities are scheduled around supper, no exceptions...even if suppertime is somewhat adjusted in time, we have a sit down supper everynight to re-connect with each other.

We also have Movie night and we all sit around and watch a movie, cuddle and eat popcorn with the surround sound and no lights. We do nothing else...even if I feel the need to do a load of laundry, I resist the urge. It's family night and that's that.

I've also heard of families that will choose a specific day for each child to spend at least 1 hour doing what they want. That way, each of their kids get some regular scheduled time to spend with mom/dad on his or her own.

You might need to get a sitter (or family member) to watch the others kids but in small incriments like an hour or so shouldn't be too hard. You might need to start out at 15 minutes each, or something like that until something solid is established and everyone gets used to a new reutine. You might even have to take the opportunity to do this while one of your kids is at soccer, etc...and you'll have some one-on-one time with another child. It's just a matter of fitting it in and making the choice in your head that it's a high priority.

Also, make time for yourself to get out and go for a walk, bikeride, get a haircut, etc. 15 minutes or a 1/2 hour can make a big difference.

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My husband is gone from 7:30am to 6:30pm, M - F. Sometimes, depending on how busy they are, he isn't home until 8pm. So that makes me the only parent for the majority of the time. When he gets home at night, it's time for supper. 8pm is bedtime for the kids and we take turns reading to each of them. One night I'll read to our 7 year old and he'll read to our 3 year old. Then we have our 1 hour of time together to watch GH and the news (which ends at the sports - who wants to watch that?) and then go to bed. The weekend consists of him sleeping until 10 or 10:30, while I get up at the regular 7 - 7:30 and me picking up the messes that the three of them make and then supper and then me watching something taped from the week or a movie while he sits online.

He is the only employee at his work and with his two bosses they're like the three stooges. I constantly hear about all the stuff they do inbetween jobs. It annoys me to no end that every day I do exactly the same thing over and over and over again and he doesn't. He sees other people and actually has a good time at work. Money is tight, so I can't go shopping and there is really nothing to do around here that is free.

He doesn't really seem to want to share the parenting unless it involves playing with the kids and that's it. He doesn't want to change poopy underwear (does he think that I really want to?) He doesn't want to help them pick up thier rooms (the help I'm speaking of consists of sitting on the bed and keeping them company - 7 yr old will just play if there's no one in there) If I ask him to do anything that requires him to be a parent he says "just a minute" and I eventually end up doing it myself.

If I make the mistake of asking for a day (Sat or Sun) off to do my own thing, he grumbles that they are the only days off that he gets, while I don't have to get up and go to work at all, so I should really just let him have those days off.

What does he think that I do? Sleep and play all day?

So basically, I guess, in all this ranting what I'm trying to say is that even though I only have 2 kids, I feel what you're feeling.
When you're expected to do everything by yourself with no help and no time for a break it gets harder and harder every day.

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Hi K.,
I agree with Bridget you need some help. What part of town do you live? Can you get out with the baby for some fresh air everyday? I think that even a 15 minute stroller ride helps. I am a mother to one, but yes even that gets overwhelming at times. Getting involved in some groups and having some other moms for friends does help though. Try to do something for yourself today even if it is taking a shower for 5 minutes.

1 mom found this helpful

I am not a mom of a large family, but I wanted to tell you that it sounds like you need a break. Having a new baby is incredibly demanding and being by yourself for 13 hours a day is no way to feel like you can manage it all. Of course you are tired. Is there anyone other than your husband who can help you out with the kids? Can you get involved with an ECFE class or similar mom's group with your baby while your other kids are in school? Are you sleeping enough (whenever the baby sleeps? Laundry can wait).

You have a lot on your plate and you should not be shy about asking for help anywhere you can get it. Also, if you continue to feel overwhelmed, do not hesitate to talk to your doctor. In fact, it might be worth a call now, just to tell your doc how you're feeling and to make sure he or she thinks that nothing more serious is wrong.

Good luck and be sure to take care of yourself as well as you can - you can't take care of anyone else unless you do.

Best wishes,

B.
Momma to a 22 month old crazy boy

1 mom found this helpful

I know exactly how you feel. I have four children of my own (ages 1-10) and my husband often works late into the night. I also felt like I was missing out on time with my older ones. After our fourth child began crawling and walking, the older ones really started enjoying him. I started recognizing the fact that the joy he brings us FAR outweighs the sacrifices we all have to make. There are still lots of times when I wish I could have more one-on-one time with one of my other children, but I grab the opportunity whenever it arises (usually on a weekend afternoon) or if I can find someone to watch the other three . . . which I hardly ever do. I expect more out of the older three and they know that just goes along with being big brother and sisters. It WILL get easier and more enjoyable. In the meantime I hope you have some good friends or neighbors who you can talk to or take turns helping one another! Good luck!

Catherine Newman refers to the airline safety adage of "putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting others." The same applies to mommyhood! Take care of you, so that you have the energy (physical and emotional) to take care of your family. You are NOT a failure because you need a break. WE ALL DO! Whether it's a mom's night out, coffee break with a friend (or better yet, by yourself) or a movie with your husband, we all need to recharge ourselves personally. A good friend always says "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"

Try a organizational calendar. EAch older child should be limited to one or maybe two after school functions or activities, any more than that and you are truly a taxi service and you never get family time.

Schedule events on the calendar like 30 minutes of family time (maybe its folding the socks or watching your favorite tv show, but every little bit helps). YOu should also enlist the help of your older kids, no matter how old or young they there is no reason that they shouldnt be helping around the house. My son is only 21 months and he loves to sweep and dust (ok, its nothing close to how I like it done but he does it and its one or two things less that I have to worry about). Chores are important, give them a small reward for helping, say, rent a movie, order pizza or whatever.

The other helpful hint: FAMILY DINNER, start out with two nights a week (Fri/sun), two of the days there might not be activities going on. Everyone sit at the table, eat dinner and talk, ask the kids questions and than let them ask questions.

I only have one child right now, but I grew up in a very large, disfunctional family. My mom was really good about making dinner everynight and we all sat together for dinner, regardless if you wanted to or not. Dinner was always ready no later than 6pm. I loved it. Kids these day are over worked with homework and activities, that they too need to understand their limits. Parents need to realize it too!

Make time for yourself. I was watching a show a while back about a mom who never did anything for herself. She made a jar of her favorite activities (movie, haircut, mani/pedi, running, walking, reading a book, etc. whatever you like to do). Put each activity on a piece of paper (maybe 3"x3", whatever size you want). Place them all in a jar. You can choose how often you want to reach in to your jar, this lady I think did it once per week. When she reached in for an activity she scheduled it on the calendar and stuck to it. What a great idea. Your husband needs to realize that to be a good mother AND wife that you need time for yourself and doing so will make you a better person. We tend to feel guilty if we do things for ourselves.

All in all, a little time for yourself is a great start. Good luck! and happy parenting :)

I'm also the mother of 4. My kids are 5,4,3 and 1. I think that school aged kids these days have so much going on with school and sports that it's hard to connect with them. My kids are still little but I know parents of 1 or 2 kids that don't seem to have any quality time with their kids because they are either at school, at sports or doing homework.
For me I think that getting into a good schedule has been very helpful with my little ones. My kids have a 6:30 bedtime, and the older 2 still have trouble getting up in the morning at 6:30 :o) Then I have the evening to do what I need to around the house and for myself.
I would also suggest to get the kids to be as helpful as you can. Cleaning their rooms, making beds, getting dressed, putting clothes in laundry, helping put their clothes away, etc. My 4 and 5 year old do all of this and enjoy it because they're little and think it's fun.
Another suggestion, since your husband works so late, would be to have a sitter come over one evening a week and babysit just so you can even just get out and go to a friends house or get some shopping done at Walmart. Even bring the baby with you so you don't have to worry about him/her.
Hope this helps,
J.

I am also a new mom of 4th child, my others are 5, 4 and 2. I am having a hard time keeping up but have a great friend that will take my 2 and 4 year old for a half day here and there so I can do some housecleaning, errands, or study. My house isn't as clean as I'd like it either. The one thing I am doing again is exercising at night after the kids are in bed. It really helps me unwind after a tough day. I am a runner and need to get back into it again after this pregnancy. I would recommend finding the 1 thing in your life you can do for yourself and make it a priority, mine is running. My husband is great and supportive when he gets home, but we are on our own mostly. Hang in there, I am trying too!!!

Hi, K.!

There are many times when I felt like this. I am a mother of 3 boys. I am single now. My husband was not of much help raising the boys. My boys are 18,16,12. We were always running it seems with sports practices, games, homework, etc. Some things that I've learned thru experiencing this are: to remember "Everyday is a Gift", life is too short--don't schedule yourself so busy that there is not time to enjoy life & family, dinner together at the table should be a must at least 4 days out of the week, see if there are other parents who could share rides bringing the kids to & fro, join a support group of parents going through similar situations or create a support group of your own--you'd be surprised at how many people are going thru the same thing as you, this would give you time to interact with other adults, take up a hobby or maybe you already have one, spend at least 1/2 hr. a day doing what makes you happy, always, always do something for yourself everyday whether it be quiet time reading, a manicure, going to the library, a pedicure, a facial, a walk, exercise daily to help relieve stress & feel good about yourself. Hope these suggestions help!

I just had baby #4 in May and my husband works long, crazy hours, too. I know how hard and exhausting that can be. My advise would be to prioritize, REALLY prioritize and look at what REALLY needs to be done and what can be cut out.

Simple things like calendaring meals and grocery lists means only 1 trip per week to the grocery store. When buying other things, whenever possible, I always call ahead to make sure it is there, check the price and have the clerk hold it for me. I try not to drive from place to place shopping, I just usually walk in and pay for it. I keep phone numbers like Target, favorite consignment shops and Pizza Hut on speed dial on my cell phone. Look at your children's activities and see if you can cut something out or change something.

To give each of my kids one on one time every day, we have "mommy and me" time. It takes effort to make it work, but the kids love it and I stay in touch. Example...
I get up 1 hour before my kids so I can exercise, shower and be ready before they get up. At 1:00 I put my 2 year old down for a nap so the 4 year old gets time alone with me. Then the 4 year old goes down for a nap at 1:30 so I get my time alone. The 2 year old wakes up first, so that's his time with me before brother wakes up. They both go to bed at 7:00, so that is when my 6 year old does her homework and I clean up the house and help her as needed. Then from 7:30-8:00 is her "mommy and me" time before she goes to bed. When the baby was younger and stayed up later, she got my time from 8-8:30, but now she goes to bed earlier, so she gets some time in the morning while the boys play outside or at the park.

We also take them places one on one. Example - my 6 year old loves to attend baby showers with me. If my husband helps someone move, has a church asssignment or goes golfing, he takes my 4 or 6 year old along. I take my 6 year old to the Nutcracker every December. We also have "family date" every Saturday where we do something all together and reconnect.

To give time to myself, that naptime is held no matter what. If your children are too young for school, but have stopped napping, get a CD of quiet songs or stories (minimum 1 hour long)and have them lay down and listen to it before they can get up. Take that time to read or do some favorite hobbies or start a project.

You can also consider doing a preschool, Mom's Day Out or drop off playgroup. I have done a co op preschool with other moms for 4 years now and love it. I teach one out of six weeks, and we purchased a curriculum so the prep time is minimal. www.valuesparenting.com is the website if you want to start your own. The program is called Joy School.

Last bit of advice, make sure those big kids are helping out. They can help with meals, cleaning and helping with baby. If you need great organizational tools, "Sidetracked Home Executives" is a great book. I was overwhelmed with my first baby, used their system and feel far more organized even though I now have 4.

Best wishes,
S.

I only have 2 boys but I know exactly how you feel. When I had both of my boys I thought that I was going to have a breakdown all the time. Like I was drowning and it was never going to get better. Your problem may be a little bit of the baby blues in addition to the stress associated with this new adjustment.
The woman down the street from me has 9 children and also runs an in home daycare. I have learned from her that somethings just need to be let go of but also asking for help is okay. Enlist family and friends to help you. If your husband is home on the weekends then use that time to get somethings done so that during the week all you need to do is focus on the kids and not errands/chores (do laundry, make dinners and freeze them, grocery shop, etc.) Most important, find time for yourself. Even if it is 30 minutes before your husband is off to work.
Good Luck!

Hi K.! I too have 4 children ages 9,6,4 and 2. I felt the same way for a while. I decided to take a bit of control back in my life to try and remember that I am a person to. I found that by doing a work from home type job made me feel in control and I could remember that I had a name other than mom or honey. I choose to do that with Tupperware(I loved all the free stuff, let's face it with 4 kids you need free as much as you can get it). I have made really great friends and I felt alive and valued again. I am not saying that Tupperware is necessarily for you it may not be but I am just saying that the majority of the party plans and run by and for people with kids. Just find an out let that can make you feel happy and alive even if it is just for a few minutes it is worth it! If you would like some info on the home party plans that I have come across email me at ____@____.com Just rememeber it never hurts to look and ask questions!

T.

K.-
I know exactly how you are feeling I am a mother of 3 plus I run a in home daycare and have another 3 to 4 kids on top of it from 4:30am to 8:00pm I feel like I've lost myself and have no where near enough time for everything to fit in my day.My husband works hard too but he works 2nd shift so he sleeps until 10am and then works at his parents farm until he leaves at 2pm to go to work and we are all sleeping when he gets home. So really I'm a single mom until the weekends hit. I try very hard to give the kids alot of attention during the day and right after school we do are homework right away and eat supper I try to be very organized because that helps a lot and less stressful. I make myself have me time as soon as the kids are in bed at 8pm otherwise I would go crazy. It still feels some days that I'm going to have a break down but just remember that we have the hardest job in the world and stuff can always wait until the next day whats important is your family and if its to much cut some things out. I hope this helps and as the baby gets older it will get easier.
Sam

I read a book called A Woman After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George that seems to touch on a few things you mentioned. It might be worth a read.

I'm assuming you also attend your childrens' activities? I know it's not a real time to connect, but you'll feel less distant. (I teach music lessons and I always encourage parents to attend. It can be a bonding experience, especially for kids around 6 to 8 years old because the parent is also involved in teaching them.)

My mom was a stay at home mom and had plenty of time with us 3 girls, but my dad worked nights which made it hard for him to connect. One thing he always did, though, is take us on dates during the school day. It wouldn't be more than a couple times a year, but he would come during our lunch period and make sure it was okay with the teacher, and usually we even got to come back a little late. It was usually to McDonald's or something, but believe me, I felt very special compared to all the other kids who had to stay at school all day. I don't recall any of my classmates' parents ever doing that.

This may be hard to do, but if you could find a mom of one of those HUGE families and get some tips from her, I bet you'd learn something. I had the chance to talk to a wonderful woman of 8 kids, I believe, and their way of life was so starkly different from anything else I've ever seen. They home schooled their children and many of their activities were done together (ie. orchestra, helping local farmers, etc.) Just a different perspective for you. I hope you have the chance to talk to someone who's in your shoes (or similar).

I am a mom of 3 kids. Our youngest just turned a year. I too felt like I was drowning. My Doctor put me on some antidepressants and let me tell you i was very resistant at first. I told my doctor that I didn't feel like i was depressed and that i didn't want to be on medicine forever. I can honestly say it made a ton of difference. There are times that i still feel in over my head. My husband sometimes works the night shift so he sleeps most of the day then goes back to work. I also schedual once a month a girls night out either with friends or with my mom and sisters. That tends to make a difference to. It gives me my identity back not just a mom and a wife. good luck.