New Marriage, Teeanage Son, Discipline and Behavior

Wow, this is a tough situation. You obviously don't want to appear that you're putting your husband before your children. Yet, they don't get to make all the decisions either. Your husband can't be expected to never discipline your kids, even if he is the step parent, but it sounds like he doesn't do it in a very effective way. It's probably terribly difficult to become a parent to teenagers after having never spent their childhood with them and growing to know them in a parental way.

So, what do you do?? It sounds like everyone is going to have to make some changes. Your son is going to have to adjust to having someone new as an authority figure in his life. Your husband is going to have to learn that discipline has to be productive, and threatening to beat a 15 year old is not healthy or effective. You are going to have to learn to manage them both the best you can. Would your husband be up for family counseling? Sometimes an outside mediator can really do wonders in helping everyone with their issues. As for your daughter, well, she's old enough to make her own decisions. It would be nice if she'd attend counseling with you guys even if she's not going to live with you since she has made such bold statements about never wanting to see him again. This makes me wonder what kind of things he's said to her...it seems very extreme.

Good luck and God bless!!

1 mom found this helpful

M., I was never in the situation like this as a mother, but I was a teenager once with divorced parents. I am not sure about "beating", but my sister and I still got belt from our mother at 15(if we're acting badly,were disrespectful or did not do what we were told to do.........normal teenage behavior:)).We would slam doors, "how dare you, I am not a child any more....blah blah blah" and would go stay with our dad. If you husband does not have a history of vilent behavior and putting your kids down, then your son just probably pushed his buttons a bit too far.
Gosh, how many mistakes we make as parents, and your husband has to find what his role is as a step parent with teenagers????That has got to be hard.If that bothers you too, just sit down and talk about it.
My husband and I worked in a rescue mission for a while and have seen many mothers choosing a man over thier children. But your situation does not sound to me like that's what you're doing.Divorce is hard on everyone, having a step parent is hard(it was to me), but you need to let your children know that they do not need to love your husband, they do not even need to like him.......all they need to do is respect your decision to marry him and be your life partner(gosh, it took you 14 years to do that.....)Teenagers are also selfish, when they are adults and have their own kids they will understand:)
If your son insists on going to live with his father (and you know that he will be in good hands), let him. Tell him that you love him and that you'll always be there for him.
And if you go to church, talking to the pastor about this can be a great help too.
Hope all will work out for the best.

1 mom found this helpful

Never turn your back on your children. It sounds to me like he has said or done something to both of them and they are begging you to listen. Do you know exactly what happens when you are out of town?? Does your husband say and do things and threaten your son not to tell you or he'll "beat him" when you get home?? And your husband might be the greatest guy on earth and just not know how to raise teenagers but he is the STEP parent not the FATHER and he needs to know his boundaries. Then again, your children could be jealous that you have a "new husband" in your life and maybe they feel second?? I'm just saying, I wouldnt burn all my bridges too fast. Look into things more deeply. Maybe a "nanny cam" when you're out of town?? good luck...

I am so sad for you. I am also a single mom (5 yrs) of a teen aged child. I haven't dated or even been able to imagine bringing a man into my/our life. What you tell about your new husband is scary. Once he runs off the kids will he little by little begin to try controlling you as well and want to use physical force in order to achieve it? He has already created a situation of you having to chose him or the kids. Please think long and hard and listen, really listen to your kids' observations about him. Sometimes others can see things we are not prepared to see, You could try counseling but he is likely to be cagey enough to know what to say there. Please be careful. He doesn't sound like someone you can trust.

First off your children come before any man.Your daughter has already left and you might never see you son again.Second no one has the right to threaten or follow through on beating a child.Third its your sons room and he should be able to have it any way he wants to..messy so he only knows where things are or clean.We all need our own private space to be able to do what we want with it.With my boys..I have 2 teens 16y & 17y..ever since they were little I let them have their room the way they wanted messy or clean but with some rules..dirty clothes got put in the hamper so when it was laundry day I knew what was dirty,dishes were not left in the rooms.If they wanted their rooms vacumed the room was pickup to the point I could vacum or I only did what I could do even if that was only 2 feet inside the door.It's called working together.

Speaking of a door its there use it.If your husband doenst like how the room looks close the door.It save a world of your sanity..

Since your husband has not raised childred he doesnt know what to do and is going by what he has seen on tv,read in books,heard from friends who have children or doing what he would do if he had his own.Talk to your husband about the room situation.Talk to your children.See what best for both even if that does mean you son moving in with his real dad..good luck..
S. B

Well, as Dr. Phil would say, a step parent never has the right to dicipline a child of their spouse's. Your husband needs to get a reality check. If he has never had children, then he doesn't know much about how to raise them He needs to have no authority over them, especially try to make them do something. I think you need to reconsider your marriage to this man. If he can't change and promise to leave your children alone, he needs to go. There is no man worth losing your children over. Blessings on you.

I went though the same thing when my daughter was only 11 and my son was 14. Bless you. It will be hard hard road but worth it.

My husband and I went to a wonderful counselor for 5 years. The kids were only part of our troubles, inlaws, exlaws, etc. Anyway, we were told that it takes up to 7 years for kids to accept the new spouse. My daughter finally grew to love my husband and now calls him for advise. But she was 11 when I divorced and is now 25 years old. She started accepting her stepdad around 16. My son, he is 27 now and still has issues with my husband. He seemed to accept him right off but would flip flop back and to between liking dad and liking step dad. He still doesn't accept my husband fully.

Not to make you worry, because marrying my current husband has been the best thing I could have ever done.

Let them know that it is not a competition and that they do not have to choose between their dad and their stepdad. That now, basically, they have two dads. Daddy will always be in their life, you aren't trying to change that, and stepdad will always be in your life and so will be part of their life too. Just let them know that you don't hate their dad (although during divorce its hard not to sometimes) and that you don't expect them to hate him either.

I was told that the parent they live with first is usually the one they leave and then they try the other parent, but in the end they return to the first parent. Then it happened. We moved out of the state, (on the adise of the counselor), and neither kid would move with us. They were old enough to choose in Georgia. So, they stayed with their dad. He kicked my son out at 18 and my daughter out at 15. She moved in with us. My son moved in with his grandma.

Also, my exhusband kept taking us to court with acusations, like saying my husband walked around in his underwear in front of the kids, etc. but my husband was always smart about the kids, he refused to ever be left alone with them, so when I told this in court, that he had never been left alone with them (after 7 years), they were dumbfounded and changed the subject in court. The underwear were GemShorts.

I will keep you in my prayers, and remember, nothing good is ever easy.

K. A.

You say you love your husband but not enough to let him punish your son. You said you travel and when you are gone then he should be able to make them mind. I would not keep children if I could make them mind. But if it comes to choosing between my husband and my children, I would choose my children because your children could not find another mom but your husband could find another wife. You really need Gods help and guidence in this matter. Ask God to help you.

Sounds like the new husband would benefit from some stepparenting classes/counseling. WHat he's saying is NOT okay, and you know your kids always come first. Talk to him about it. Talk to your kids about it. Go to family counseling. This is a new thing for him and for the kids. Everyone could use some help when dealing with a new thing.

This same thing happened to me when I was a teenager. Just with my dad and his new wife. DO NOT turn your back on your children for anyone. I don't remember the last time I spoke to my dad (not because I haven't tried). I am not saying to just divorce because your kids don't like him but, threating to beat a 15 yr. old is out of the question. Try everything to hold on to all invovled, have a family meeting and get everything out in the open and maybe start with a fresh slate. I just wouldn't plan on leaving new husband with kids alone for any reason. This won't happen overnight.
To make a long story short, I now have 4 kids with a 5th on the way and they wouldn't know their grandfather if he walked in the door. You don't want to be that grandma. I know my dad is the one paying the price but it's his choice. We were even at a family cookout last summer and he didn't even speak to me or my brother, of course his wife was with him!
Good luck!!!

Okay, so it sounds like you and your husband didn't talk about parenting styles before marrying. You're a team now. Use the same playbook, so to speak. Talk to him about your parenting techniques. You can't expect him to just know how to be a great dad. It takes practice. As for your son: Remember that for years, your son was the 'man' of the house. He has to learn to shift gears into being a young man now, which is not easy at his age. Patience and family meetings will probably work well for you all because your children are of reasoning age. Good luck!

Mig,
I am a mother of 3 and happily married to my childrens father. I'm sorry you're in this situation but you probably already know that there is only 1 sollution.... Your current husband must get help. Whether it be Stress management, personal counceling, family counceling or parenting classes. His behavior may only be words now and may never escalate beyond that but if you wish to have a healthy and loving relationship with your children, you HAVE to side with them on this one. I'm speaking from experience here from my own childhood. My mother raised 5 children alone. I understood how alone she really felt. She thought that she was unworthy and stayed in relationships that were mentally and physically abusive. I felt like she chose these men over her own children. I didn't feel "safe" with my own mom... Don't let your children question whether they are protected by you. Your husband needs help. Tell him that you wish to have a healthy family unit, and that there are things that you all can learn from counceling and classes.
Good luck!!

Deb S.

M.,
This is a tough call. I understand how you feel about your children. The first and foremost thing, I think is to communicate to your husband what his decision has cost you. I wouldn't do this in an angry way, but with grace. You can tell him how his actions affected you without getting angry or bitter. Then with equal grace, tell him that this is an area where he really needs to apologize to your son. I would tell him that it is important for him to ask your son to forgive him because that would start the healing of that relationship and possibly open the door to your son feeling more comfortable coming to stay with you.
After that, and hopefully your husband will be willing to see what he did, you will have to set clear boundaries and clear expectations. If you and your husband agree that the children need to have clean rooms, then communicate to your children this requirement and the consequence for not obeying. Also clearly communicate to your husband where his boundaries are in discipline. You choose what makes sense and then you can say to him that he needs to respect you in this area. I would also communicate with the Bio-Dad that he will need to step in from time to time to help you talk to the kids and make clear what is expected of them.
This is a tough situation, however I think you can have harmony when everyone understands what is expected of them and that they all need to show each other respect.

Good Luck!
V.

You were not there. Your children reacted really strongly. Your daughter has already moved out. That tells you that it must have been really bad. Your new husband sounds like a "control freak." Threatening to beat your son because he did not clean his room fast enough is inappropriate. Your son will never feel safe to be left alone with him again. Your children are counting on you to take care of them and protect them. You are in a position where you will have to make a decision between your new husband and your children. I know what may choice would be. I would never pick a man over my children.

Hi M.,

Imagine how hard it is to have another adult come into your life (at your home, at his or at a different home altogether). Your kids liked things the way they were. They probably had more control of thier lives before he came along.

Then, imagine that your parent left you with that person and went to work, leaving you with someone you don't want around. I'm sure your son was less than respectful to your husband. I'm sure your husband got the "you can't tell me what to do, you're not my father" speech.

If you're repeating yourself over and over and over again, there's a pretty good chance your son wasn't terribly respectful of you either. It sounds a lot like your son if having a big-boy temper tantrum. Instead of realizing that you are happy and that things are different now, he doesn't want anyone to tell him what to do. The only way he can do what he wants, when he wants, the way he wants is to be out on his own and pay his own way. If you were traveling before, what happened with your kids while you were gone? If they were home alone (they were old enough), they would really resent your husband being there and asking them to follow rules in your abscence.

If you side with your son (who probably said some pretty nasty things) and not your husband (who said some things he souldn't have, but didn't touch him), you will undermine his authority in his own house with your children and you might as well file for divorce now. Your son and husband are in a power struggle and your decision will probably decide the outcome of your marriage.

Good luck!!

I echo Shirley B's statements. You son is old enough to keep his room the way he wants and shut the door. I was in a long-term relationship with eight "step" children and that is the best thing to do with teenagers. They do get sick of it 9 times out of 10 and clean it up and keep it that way. Your husband needs to back off and obviously needs major counseling if he is threatening to beat your child. I hope you can make peace with your daughter. I haven no relationship with my biological father and my children will never know him either. My step-father is my Dad. I'm sorry your children are having a bad start to your new marriage. It is very hard for everyone. And I agree with another writer, that when you are out of town your son should stay elsewhere. It is obviously a toxic match to leave him with your husband. Parenting is about mutual respect and right now they seem to have none for each other. Good luck.

I do have a few questions. 1) How did your kids and your husband get along when you and he were just dating? 2) Were there long talks before you were married with all four you? 3) Before you got married, did you talk to your husband about discipline and rules? You have to agree. He might not be the biological father, but he IS your husband and should have some authority in his household. He does need to agree to your rules and discipline tactics, though. 4) Before looking into leaving your husband or accepting a life without your son, why don't you look at counseling or family discussions? Have them find common ground. Have your husband apologize (GENUINELY) and then your son apologize, as well. Why not bring your daughter into it as well? And even the biological father? Really, whether you should have taken more time and talking before getting married or not, you need to have the whole family get together talk and also have one on ones with each family member. Be open minded, be understanding, be supportive, and be constructional. Don't make things fights, make them talks and debates, but search for common ground from everyone. Don't get frustrated, either. In order for them to keep their cool, you have to keep yours.

I would like to start off by saying, you have GOT GOT GOT to agree on discipline because you are leaving your son with him! If you leave them... aren't you trusting your husband to use his judgment and parenting skills to keep an eye on your son? Then you can't just step in and say, "No no. He's not your son. You can't discipline him." That's not right AT ALL.

If you all did talk and everything was fine before you got married, then you should bring that up and go back to the conversations you had at that time. Reaffirm your agreements and try to find a few more that will help keep everyone happy.

All in all, if all else fails, the kids come first. If your husband is unwilling to cooperate and work with you and your kids, then he's not worth it and you should take a long look at his relationship with your kids.

Good Luck!

You have a great son "honor student" that is wonderful.I raised 3 son's and got divorced when they where teenager.It is hard enough to raise the kids but then you have to put up with his behavior.....not acceptable. You should be the only one telling him what to do. If he likes a messy room let him close the door.....live is too short. Your husband needs to find a way to enjoy the positive side of your son and daughter.He will be leaving home before you know it and now is the time to work on a trusting and happy future,he is your son.Oh yah I never got married while my kids where young..because I did not want anyone to interfer with our relationship....I got married later on and always ask my boy's if they can accept him, that was important to me. But you have to work on what you have now.Good luck to you.

A Mom of 3 son's.
Heidi

I would recommend family counseling. I understand that your husband responded inappropriately to your son, however, your husband must have some authority over him and your son needs to understand this. Also, you may want to consider what it is your kids don't like about this man. Is it something ligitimate or are they just afraid of him taking you away from them? That's why I think family counseling is important in this situation.

i am just curious about something. Did you ask your kids what they thought about your husband before you married him? how did they get along before he was your husband?

Hello, I too have two teenage sons. One is 18 the other son is 15. Before my oldest son turn 18 I was in a 4 year relationship considering marriage. I notice that only one child bonded with my friend and that was my 15 year old son. So I had to consider my options before I marriaged him. I could marry him anyway and feel everything will work out, when things proably get worse than better. Or I could try to have a family meeting to get to the bottom of the problem. Finally, I could walk away from the relationship in good standing. I tried the family meeting and found out we had different views in raising children. Major problem my boys felt they were too old for someone new who really didn't know them to discipline them as if they were a parent. Not that they were disrepectful, they were just use to the way we as a family did things and my friend want to change things his way. Not necessary a better way, but his way all the same. Finally, I left the relationship in a good way. I wanted both of us to be happy and if we stayed together I would always feel like I have to choose between my children and him. I advise you to do the same. Find out if you have the same views for raising children or a happy medium. If not, then you might lose your children. It's hard for them to change they way of life just for your man if their way of life isn't a bad one.

Dealing with stepchildren of any age is difficult, but teens have got to be the worst. If you love your husband try to talk it out with him up come up with a soulution for discipline before things get out of hand. Also, because you side with your husband doesn't mean that you're "picking" him over your children.. Have you considered how that makes him feel? Are you really willing to get a divorce because of a son he will be off to college in three years with a girlfriend and a ton a friends who will take up all the time that's left after sleeping, eating and studying(in other words no time for you)? Please believe it if you don't take care of this NOW it can lead to a divorce. Please, talk to your husband about the situation and come up with a plan agreeable by both of you. Also, talk to your son. He needs to respect every adult, especially the man of the house even if it's not his biological father. In that situation, your son probably intentionally took his time cleaning his room(and probably did a lousy job) just to irritate your husband. Don't be so quick to take your son's side since most teenagers have the tendency to be irriational and rediculously selfish. If that man is as good to you as you say, please find a way to mediate the situation. Please believe that there aren't that many of us who have such wonderful husbands. God Bless you.

As both a mom and the offspring of divorced parents (both of whom have since remarried), I just wanted to share with you a reminder of how tumultuous and confusing it can be when parents split up and someone new is introduced (i.e. the new husband). I think it's important to remind your kids that no one can ever replace their father and that both you and your husband will always choose them first. Perhaps they feel rejected by your choice to marry someone else and may feel as though they are a part of your "old life" and don't quite belong. I know it can be emotionally draining to be in the middle of quarreling between people you love more than life itself. Remind your new husband just how important your kids are (they were there before he came along and will be there if he chooses to leave, God forbid). Also tell him how much you appreciate him attempting to help in disciplining your kids but beating them is not a practice you're comfortable with. Spend special time with just your kids and reassure them...as old and adult as they may seem, nothing provides solace and comfort likie a mom's embrace. Then maybe you could try including them in outings once a month with your new husband. I wish you all the best!

Try to imagine if you were in opposite situations (your new husband has a TEENAGED DAUGHTER living with you, you don't have any 'natural' children of your own, husband/father is out of town, you are 'in charge' of the household, and the teenaged girl is being rebelious [or even just plain irresponsible] regarding your commands, rules, or expectations). Not fun to even imagine, huh?

You just can't bring a new 'daddy' into a teenager's life without FIRM guidelines as to what's expected of whom AND who 'calls the shots' if someone is absent. Almost all relational problems stem from either UNREALISTIC or UNCLEAR 'expectations', so it surely sounds as if some serious family 'council' (discussion) and/or formal counseling (preferably Christian) is/are in order for all concerned.

You and your husband are in this thing together (for better or for worse), and I'm guessing that he was just so frustrated that he spoke from his feelings instead of from experience or training. There are no 'cut and dried' answers about relationships from any aspect. We all fail, falter and mess up, but we stick it out! Apologize, forgive, discuss, vent, relent, accept, resolve, agree, and do whatever it takes to KEEP the relationship(s) a priroity and to help them grow stronger. We shouldn't toss them away because of a mistake or because of inexperience; or else they weren't worth developing in the first place!

You are saying that your children come before your husband but you have already had one child leave expressing not wanting to return and now the second wishes the same. I am the mother of 4 children that have a father that chose a new wife over his children. He has lost the love and trust from his children at this point in his life. They were very angry at him when we divorced and he did not to talk with them and now it has been over 2 yrs since they have spoken. The younger 2 (9 boy, 13 girl) desire to see their father desperately- he just doesn't extend visitation or call them. They call him regularly and often get his voice mail. As time passes, they try less to make contact with him. The older 2(16 boy , 17 girl) have given up on him . And something to think about- the kid's do not even want to see their grandparents and family on that side because of the discomfort of having no parent present when they visit. Their father does not communicate with his family any forther as well. So, there is the potential for a trickle down effect in your situation as well.
You need to look at your life 10 yrs from now or even 20 and see where you wish your relationship to be with your children. And are you the type of person that will maintain a relationship with them without your husband's presence? It may be that they just need some time to transition to the change and they will come around later. If they matter to you- keep in close touch with them because you run the risk of losing them later in life over the choices you make today.

What kind of relationship did your husband have with your kids while you dated? What has your husband done to bond with your children since you have been married? Has he made any moves to be a father figure in more ways than discipline?

I married my husband 5 yrs ago and I had 3 kids from my previous marriage. At first it was difficult because my husband had never had children and didn't quite understand them and sometimes he still struggles with them. But he has done so many things to show his love for the children that even when he rides them about stuff, they know that he does it because he loves them and is trying to teach them something important.

I'm sure your husband wouldn't have beaten your son. Sounds like it was just a show of frustration. Remeber that your kids probably feel like he is stealing you from them. They don't want to share you and no matter who you married, he would never have been good enough for you children.

My advice is to seek family counseling now before it is too late. That will help a lot.
Good luck!
J.

well i think you should chose your kids.They will be there no matter what and they are apart of you.He has no right to be mean to your boy.So i think you should listen to your kids.The main thing you need to do is to talk to god =)

Well to start with honey 15 yrs old is not a child(even though he will always be a child to you even when he is 80) he is a young adult and he obviously is smart if he makes the honor roll. He needs to be treated like adult and made responsible for himself, so to speak, at least picking up after himself. Your husband may have been trying to get a faster response from your son, but threats never work and no one should have to tell a 15 yr old to clean his room, he should just do it. You should talk to all of them, husband, children, and you together and try and reach an understanding. You love your husband and your children, and even if they don't like him they are almost grown and will be leaving home anyway and you will be alone. They just need to grow up, I think they may be just a little jealous, with you giving your attention to someone else after they have had it for so long. You should not have to choose between the two they have to talk. Biology has nothing to do with it, your husband deserves respect and so do your children, but they have to earn it. GOOD LUCK