:New Grandparents

Let's see... I agree with everyting Amanda said below... as far as cleaning, I would just make sure to clean up after yourself when you visit. My husbands parents come here, more than I would like, and wear their nasty shoes on our carpet, cook elaborate meals and leave most of the dishes to "soak" overnight (they are easily washable!), and bring literally 5 bags of stuff for their 2 night visits which ends up all over our house. When they leave, the house looks like 10 3 year olds ran through it... This is not the way I run my home and when I see a huge mess, I get stressed out. The lat thing a new mom and dad need is more stress.
The point is, JUST BE HELPFUL. If my in laws looked at how I like to live and respected ANY of it, I wouldn't mind them visiting so much. She once told me, when my mom was here cleaning the kitchen, "Don't expect me to come down and do that... I don't clean!" UGHHHH

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As much as they love this child, it is not their child & they need to let the parents raise them as they see fit. Unless there is some physical harm coming to the child, let the parents learn, make mistakes & readjust as often as needed & let them set rules & honor those rules.

If parents don't want TV or sugar snacks, then don't bring them over or encourage them to do that at their house.

Just what comes to mind.

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well congratulations! There are so many supportive wonderful things to do as grandparents. There are lots of 'do's', they are more obvious, like be involved in the very beginning with helping mom get adjusted (not so much as taking care of the baby, but everything else she's not getting done!). After all the dust settles from the newborn, here are some of the don'ts from my experience: Be present (1 x week or two) but not overwhelmingly so (coming by every day or calling all the time). Ask about things instead of assuming, just out of consideration. Try to hold back on strong opinions, you've done all of this before, and it's easy to interject, but remember that there are many different ways to get from point a to b. Never ever play favorites... I know this is a no-brainer, but you'd be amazed at how often it happens. Try to adopt the same level of discipline that their parent is trying to teach, it will do major favors for the child to have that consistency. Don't try to win your grandkids love with too much 'stuff', help them to enjoy just BEING with you. Call them on the phone on a regular basis, it's a great way to say you want to be involved in their lives, and so little effort. Good luck and enjoy the new grandbaby!

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K., one thing to remember is that the Mother and Father may chose to do things differently than you did them thus the great saying "Do what is best for YOU and YOUR family"

I say this as I have been a mom for almost 20 yrs... my first MIL catered to her son, I could do nothing right. I got blessed to be married to a wonderful man and this MIL is a blessing. I will share that I know she bites her tongue and I hope I can be as good as she is when my son marries but I have a DD with my DH and I don't do things like SIL or others, I do what I need to do for MY family. For example, I nursed till my DD was 2, coslept till she was 3, and I now HS and work very PT on the weekends.... Something she didn't do as she was an RN and SIL is in corporate America... I value different things, money is important and we live comfortably maybe I don't have that Coach handbag or go on a big vacation every year... I myself like the simpler things in life, funny though as my DH is on the same page as I am.
MIL probably isn't too happy with some of our decisions BUT WE do what is BEST for OUR family.

If you are the grandparent and you can respect that, then you will be fine, off to watch the children, if the parents need to go out, some women are much more maternal than others, some can't wait to get away from their children (sounds harsh but true) and some don't want them out of their sight.

I will also share that MIL took 2 wks off when I had DD to be there but I suppose when I think in retrospect, I nursed and what not so there wasn't a lot I needed done.. I regret that now almost 6 yrs later, I really wish I would have invited her over more and just let her hold DD... I suppose, I just waited a long 14 yrs to get our DD and didn't want to leave her when she was a baby.

There are a ton of grandparenting books available you may want to check them out. Things have changed and I say that honestly as I have a soon to be 20 yr old and a 5 yr old...

Make sure you are up to date on all of the new safety regulations and check with mom on just about everything, she needs to be confident and encouraged if this is her first child... but of course with any suggestions also add that she needs to make the best decision for her family.
This way YOU being the grandparent can suggest something that might be helpful but she needs to make the decision if it works best for her and her family, and don't get upset or feel rejected if she doesn't do it your way or what you suggested.

Remember too K., that you can buy things if you want, you can keep them at your house too... this encourages them to bring the baby over more for a visit and they will feel more secure that your house is baby proof... and child ready. :)

Congrats!

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Hey K.! you don't say if you are the parents of the daddy or the momma. Just call often and ask if there is anything you can do. Or if you want to just show up and do for the momma who will be tired anyway that will be a big help. Do laundry or bring over supper or dust and vacuum for her. Always say to let you know if she/he needs anything. Don't expect he/she to know that....some times actions speak louder than words. One can love their grandchild but, not keeping in touch can cause one to think otherwise. Don't assume anything. Just be you for one thing......if you want to babysit then volunteer. If you want one on one time with the grandchild as they get older then make plans in advance as not to interrupt something else that has been planned. You will be fine...remember how your grandparents treated you and did for you....

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LOVE YOU GRANDCHILDREN< LOVE YOUR GRANDCHILDREN< ENJOY YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, ENJOY YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, SPOIL THEM AND GIVE THEM BACK TO MOM AND DAD....SMILE. I was a first time grandmother almost 4 years ago, since then have a second grandchild, I JUST LOVE THEM, they spend the night at granny's, they have loads of fun, projects-messy ones...smile, make things for mom and dad, and then when I am all pooped out, send them home, and regain my energy for next time...smile. But mom and dad have sat down with me on their wishes on how they disipline and are raising their children, so I fall within the guidelines, I don't disrespect but none the less WE HAVE FUN!!!! SMILE.

HAVE LOADS OF FUN!!!!

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Oh I been a Grandma for a time now. Just had a new granddaughter a couple of weeks ago. She is so beautiful.
You will feel so wonderful knowing your precious child who grew up to be a great adult has braught forth their love to you again. By giving a child that will make you feel young again. Helping them and teaching them what all you know and love. And just being proud of what will be.
You will be a Grand Mom!
And your children will be Great Parent for this
Wonderful gift of love.

You have a good day Today
Vicki W.

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Since it has been a recent struggle in my house lately, the best advice I can offer is to obey the wishes of your grandchild's parents. As much as you want to spoil them and having had children before and knowing how you did things, it is best to do things the way that the parents want them done. It will cause a lot less heart ache and bad feelings if you respect their wishes for their baby.

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Support the mom and dad in their decisions (there are many "right" ways to parent that may be different than what you would do). Be available but not intrusive. Love and spoil that grandbaby every chance you get! I am blessed to have 2 sets of grandparents for my son who all do just that.

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1) LOVE, LOVE, LOVE 'em!
2) Remember that the PARENTS are the boss (and sometimes we have to let them boss US about THEIR kids!)
3) Always keep the child's best interest in mind (not what YOU want for them)
You'll find that you have about 3 times as much patience with the 'grands' as you did with your own kids. This is God's way of balancing the little children's world and to help them respect their 'elders'.
That's pretty much it! Blessings 2 U!

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I am writing this as if you, K., are the grandparent. I hope that is the case. If you are the new mom to be, I wouldn't directly tell them all this (that would be a little rude), so if you are th new mommy, give them a couple books about grandparenting in this day and age or even a baby magazine subscription.

Always ask this question..."What can I do to help?" it sounds wierd but that is WAY better than "Do you want me to do anything?".

But, I agree with the other mom, to definitely bring food over. Already prepared and in containers so they can pop it in when needed. Including yummy desserts! :)

Maybe say you are going to the store and are paying... :) so whatever they want is going on your list. And, try to pay attention to the kinds of stuff they get...like my inlaws always pick up vegetable oil instead of olive oil for us in a large container which I never use and it drives me crazy to see it go to waist. Maybe look at different things like the brand of butter, type of bread, skim milk vs. whole, etc. -Just a little thing! :)

Ofcourse, DON'T give advice. Just hold your thoughts in. If they ask, which they will, then you can say what you think. I find myself actually liking some of my mom's advice but she is always so opinionated about it that I never try it first.

Some people say to clean... I don't know about that, I guess it depends on your family. My mother inlaw started cleaning our master bathroom which REALLY ticked me off, I feel that is very much into our personal space. But, I do have a little bit of a control issue also.... :)

Best of luck!
A.

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DO NOT EVER EVER EVER BE PARTIAL
TO YOUR GRANDKIDS OR YOUR KIDS !!!!!!!!!!!
love them all the same,
give them all the same

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My best advice would be not to interfere with how the parents of the child want to raise them. Grandparents can sometimes think they know best but the parents don't want to feel that they don't know anything or that their authority is being underminded. So, just love the grandchildren, be there so they can get to know you, play, and follow the guidelines set by the parents. Also, please don't let the grandchild get away with everything! Hold to the limits set by the parents so everyone is on the same page. It helps the child see a united front and keeps hard feelings away between you and the parents. :)) Good Luck and enjoy the grandbabies!

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I am a grandma of 9 years, and 6 grands. Your children don't want your opinions unless they ask you. So that is the best advice I can give. I have also asked them what they wanted for gifts for their children and honored that. I have loved having the grands, I hope you love it too. Good luck.

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All of the other suggestions are good, but here is my advice:
We don't live in the same town as our grand kids, so we make plans to visit or have our son and his family visit us. When we are together, we take LOTS of pictures, then after they are gone I make photo albums with a story in it and send it to the grandkids. (Like, here we are with Nanna and Grampie in the mountains...) We talk to them alot on the phone... I even have a friend who makes a video of her and her husband to send to the grandkids.
When they are here I follow all of the parents rules, and also expect the kids to follow MY rules (like no food in the living room...) Beyond that, I do spoil the kids to some extent. I keep a toy box here and some of their favourite videos. They have their own blankets for the beds they sleep in here. They see their pictures hanging on my walls. We plan special activities with them. Just remember, as grandparents we dont in any way replace the parents, we supplement them!

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We certainly have a unique relationship with Grandparents!! When my daughter was born, I was extremely ill...almost fatal...so my mom took over the care of my newborn, while my husband supported me at the hospital. Even though she was very much in charge of that, she always checked with me about what she was doing, how to help further, etc....Even though I was completely unable to parent, she treated me like the parent (even when I had NO IDEA what to do!). Even when I was home from the hospital recovering, she just supported me. She watched how I did things, and didn't tell me how to do it better. In fact, she adapted her ways to be like mine, because as she says, "It is all about the child and what's best for them." She says that supporting her grandchildren's parents is the best thing to do for her grandkids. She is WONDERFUL!!!! And we didn't really have that great of a relationship before grandkids! She doesn't "change the rules" when the kids are at her home, so I know that my "policies" are appreciated and continued in her home as well. This is important: She doesn't offer opinion unless she is asked!!!! Because of that, I feel more respected and supported, and thus more comfortable to ask advice from her many years as a mom. The best thing she does though is LOVE. She loves my children for WHO THEY ARE and doesn't put anything on them...She marvels at their progress and laughs at their funnyness. She makes special meals for them (they have extensive food allergies), and is a staunch advocate for them. I couldn't ask for her to be a better grandparent! Congrats on your new grandchild....ENJOY! (P.S. My husband's mom is the total opposite, so I know how good I have it!)

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Hey There K.,

I guess my first response to that would be LOVE ALL of them to pieces. I have one granddaughter that is blood related, but I have 5 that are in my heart. The best thing I could say is allow your kids to be the parents of this child and you be there to take up the slack. I think the most difficult thing for me was keeping my opinions to myself unless asked. It sounds simple, but at times the "Mom" wants to step in and parent all three of them. I guess that is normal in a way, but it can cause friction within the family circle. You didn't say much about the family involved, but don't buy the grandchild everything you see or later on that it wants. Allow the parents to make decisions about what is and isn't good for their child. Spend as much time as you can getting to know that new little person and teaching it about unconditional love. I hope this helps. If you want to talk, write me. Congratulations on the new grandbaby, B. B

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This is easy...Love on your grandbabies as much as you can, be a source of comfort for the new parents, abide by parental rules(even if you disagree), spoil the children if you have the means, shut up about parenting unless your advice is asked for and whenever the children are fussy, pukey, poopy,sassy,stubborn or misbehaving a lot-GIVE THEM BACK TO MOMMY AND DADDY. Being the grandparent is the fun part. We get the good stuff without the responsibility of discipline and parenting. I've already served my time with 5 kids. The new baby is fabulous mostly because he's not mine!

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Love that new grandbaby with all of your heart, BUT do not intrude on the parents "bonding time". Accept the fact that they may or may not want you at their door daily, but always be available for the love and support the new parents and the new baby needs. Love, respect, and faith will be your guide. Bless you and your new grandchild.

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K.,
I am not really sure about the question. Is this your first child, then let the grandparents come and spoil the child. Yes spoiling a child will not make them brats. My parents spoil mine so much they are pure rotten (not really). Take the opprotunity for the help. If this is the first child, grandparents are wonderful sources of info, they can help because you are going to be extremely tired and while they cuddle and love on the baby you can take a well deserved nap. Also kids are lucky to have grandparents they can bond with. My oldest son is closer to his mema than anyone in the world, he is close with me too, but mema had him until he was 18 months old because I worked all the time. Grandparents do need to understand the parents rules, but remember they are just as much a part of the child as you are. I am all for Grandparents rights. I work for Child Protective Services and it breaks my heart when couples break up and out of spite they do not let the other grands see the children. That is wrong. Or is one parent dies and they do not let the other grands see the child. Just an aside, I do not know if you are married or what, but if i were you and u are married I would draw up papers now stating that you and your husband agree that if you divorce (God fordid), die (God forbid), or anything else happens that the other partys grandparents have rights to see the child, have the papers notarized and filed at the court house. There are no laws currently speaking to grandparents rights and no matter how much they spend in lawyer fees there is no recourse. Some states are catching on and working on grandparent rights. My husband and I have done the above agreement not that we thing we are ever going to break up-divorce, etc. We have been together for 10 years. Also it is bad on the children, spite is ugly and no matter how much the party hates the other the children are the most important thing. Sorry i went off on a tangent but it could be helpful
A. (____@____.com)

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