New Daycare

I do think you need to trust your instincts on this one. I went through this just last week. My regular licensed family provider was on vacation and I took my daughter to a back up family provider that I have used before but I am really not crazy about. My daughter is a bit younger than your child, she is 20 months. When we pulled up to her house, my daughter immediately, cried "no, no, no" and clung and screamed so hard when I left her. She went back Tuesday and still the same reaction. I kept her home Wednesday and found a totally new drop in center in St. Paul that she had never been to. She was happy as a clam there Thursday and Friday. We are back to our regular provider this week and my daughter is soo soo happy and so am I.

Trust your Mommy instinct. I think you need to switch him. Feel free to email me privately.

I just want to offer a different perspective than some other posters who said that it's very rare to have this kind of reaction. My daughter changed daycares at 12 months, then changed rooms when she turned 2 at that same daycare. Each transition took about a month before she happily left me each day. She's normally very happy and well adjusted but she gets extremely attached to her "people" so each transition was really hard on her.

I do agree that you should talk to your son about why he is scared, and to drop in unannounced at daycare to watch him to see how he does.

Just a thought about lying to him in the mornings: your lies may be exacerbating his fears, and extending his transition time. If he doesn't know where he's going until he's strapped in the car, he can't mentally prepare for it.

And an idea about making the departure easier: let him pick out a toy or blankie or something special each morning to bring to school with him. That makes our house departure much easier each morning.

Another idea: my sister discovered that her daughter had easier dropoffs when she was the first kid to her room. For some reason she liked receiving the other kids, rather than being dumped into an already full, rambunctious room. Does your son have any preferences like that that you could cater to?

Good luck!

I went through this with my son when he was very young. I found another sitter, even though there weren't any sitters in that town, I asked around and an awesome gal offered to watch him, whom he loved. The problem at the first sitter's was that she had all the kids lay on mats to take naps. My son had always been read to or rocked to sleep, and was lost and scared to follow her protocol. She didn't understand or have time to deal with that. Later when he was school age he went back to that sitter and was fine.

The reason I would not take him back when he screamed and cried was because I didn't listen and respond to my two older children. I should have and regret that I didn't listen to them because it was a bad situation.

I have to agree with the last post, kids have a good radar for stuff. I have a home daycare and used to have 2 of my kids in daycare, we went to one and they hated it & I have easy going kids, 7 days later I got a call she was moving b/c her spouse was not so nice.

Even the kids I have in my daycare, I rarely have any that cry like that, usually it's a case where they have never been in daycare but after a couple of days they are fine, I would definately make some unplanned visits, ask your child in detail about his day, little kids that age are pretty readily able to give the days accounts, ask about disapline things, time outs etc. does the provider cuddle, yell, etc. etc.

Talk to other parents as well, but my gut instinct says something is not right if he is that upset.

One of my sons is very attached and had issues saying goodbye to me when I left him for preschool. First, before we left out house I asked him what toy he wanted to bring with him to preschool. He would pick out a stuffed animal or train or car to bring. At preschool I made sure to chat a short time with the teachers in the morning with him. I started him at an activity. I told him that he could pick how I left. For example, he could push me out the door, or I could count to a number that he choses and then leave. You need a routine so he knows what is going to happen.

When my older boy was in preschool, we would enter the room and he would see a friend and he was off and playing. If there is someone he plays with at the daycare, you can try having outside playdates with that child.

The teachers have to help with making your son comfortable too. Three year olds do cry when they start preschool or change to a new one. Talk with them. The crying should not continue for more than 2-3 weeks.

This too shall pass . . . he might just be a kid who doesn't deal well with change :( However, I would make one or two unplanned visits to the daycare just to make sure everything is OK (kids have pretty good radar - never hurts to double check). Also, it may not be the daycare itself, but one kids that he is having trouble with. 3 yr olds can have a hard time expressing those type of issues.

As far as lying to him goes, you are right, it isn't a good idea. On the other hand, you are doing what you feel like you need to do to make it through your morning. I don't think that "tricking" him into the car is going to traumatize him :) However, he will figure you out pretty quick and it won't work very long. One other suggestion . . . is it possible for your hubby to drop him off one morning a week? That may help both you and your son out.

Good luck!

M.,
I am also a daycare provider and this seems very "out of the norm" for me. I agree with one of the other posts that it usually takes kids a couple days to get used to things. I also VERY rarely have a child that cries when they come. It is a HUGE warning sign if your child is reacting that strongly to a daycare. It sounds like your son is in a center right now, I would encourage you to check out in home daycares. I have never heard of one that is more expensive than a center.
I am also a mother of 3 boys. My first son was in a center for a short period when he was little. He was reacting the way your son is when he would go there. I started doing drop in visits and found the toddler teacher screaming at the kids. She was also the only teacher in the room with about 25 toddlers. I pulled him out immediately! I hope that you can get things straightened out quickly, for your sons sake and yours! Good luck to you!

First of all, there is a reason he doesn't like the new day care to the point that he is is losing it like that. Maybe there is a kid that picks on him, maybe the provider isn't nice to him or even yells at other kids which scares him. Check around for a different day care or check for day care help from family services, to help afford the one he likes.

When you tell your child that he is going to see his daddy and then buckle him in and tell him he is going to day care is like someone telling you "you won the million dollar lottery" then getting you excited about it only to say "just kidding.. you owe $3,000 that has to be paid right now!" It is not only cruel but is teaching him to distrust everything you say and to lie whenever he doesn't want to tell you the truth. This will cause you lots of heart ache and trouble as he gets older and by the time he is a teen there is a good chance he could end up in trouble with the law because of it. Dr. Phil always say "we aren't raising kids, we are raising adults" Meaning we need to teach our children how to be productive adults and teaching them to lie to and disappoint those that we love won't do that.

Good luck

I am just curious how he acts when you pick him up? Is he happy to leave? OR does he want to continue playing? Are you guys married? Can you get daycare assistance since you are a student? I know that is like a million questions... But if my daughter acted like that I would deffinatly think something might be going on a daycare! Anything can seem nice and great from the outside. Good Luck.

You said that this new day care is what you can afford right now. Have you applied for day care assistance? It looks like you could be a single mom and going to school so you might qualify for some financial help. Here in WI the parent must have a small part-time job if they are going to school in order to get day care assistance.

With that said, your posting is sending out warning signals to me. As a in-home day care operator I find most kids settle in after a week. Maybe the new day care isn't the right fit for your son. I'd make a unplanned visit during day care hours to see if something is going on there.

Good luck,

R.

Is this behavior something that is normal for him in new situations? Have you asked your little man why he doesn't like his new school? Maybe take him out for ice cream and see if he will talk to you about it. I have asked my kids point blank - is anyone hurting you or doing something that makes you uncomfortable. I have found that kids that age don't always give up the information or know that something isn't right. You have to ask exactly what you want to know. Hopefully he is just adjusting to this new school and will get better soon, but please listen to your instincts and try to get to the bottom of why is reacting this way. Talk to the school about it - they should be willing to work with you on this. And like the other posters have suggested - drop in a time or two to observe (don't let him see you though unless you are going to take him home).

Good Luck - it is very hard to find childcare that you love and can afford.

Pay attention to what your son is telling you - whatever you think about the new daycare, it isn't a good fit for him. My son transitioned from a nanny to a center I thought was just great when he was a little less than 2. Suddenly my happy toddler started crying at drop-off and asking not to go. Everyone told me it was because he had been "spoiled" being home with his nanny and he just had to adjust. I gave it a couple of weeks but he was not getting better and I wasn't comfortable. I found a much smaller home daycare and switched him there. He was a new man. Had nothing more than a tear or two the first two days and then ran in happily every day after that. I was so happy I listened to my momma instincts and found another better place for him.

Listen to any clue he is giving you about why he doesn't like it (and it may be small issues, but important ones to him) and think about a different place where those concerns would be better addressed.

Please, please do not lie to him. He is already unhappy about his daycare, it won't help if he can't trust you either. He will respond so much better if he feels that you care how he feels and are interested in helping him be comfortable. Even if he freaks out and protests, tell him the truth about where you are going. Its better for him to be unhappy but know he can count on you.

And I agree with earlier posts, even if money is tight, you have options (maybe not as many options as you'd like, but options). Comb craigslist for daycares in your area. Also check resources for child caring for other options. Your relationship with your son will improve considerably if he sees how hard you are working to find a good place for him.

Good luck!

B.

Is your son having good days at day care after you leave? Does he sound excited by the activities? How is he after you drop him off? Does he seem like he can't wait to get out of there when you pick him up?

I think those are questions you should think about. If it appears that he is not doing well at this new setting after you leave, you may want to consider looking for new care.

Trust your child instincts if he is scared and doesn't seem to enjoy his time there after you leave, it may not be the right place for him.

Good Luck!

I know it has been mentioned, but I think you should listen to your son. He is probably unhappy about the new care for good reason. He is trying to tell you something in his own way.