February 22, 2007,
S.N. asks from Barbourville, KY on February 21, 2007
New Boyfriend and Jealous Father
My kids father and I split up over 2 years ago. He left me for another woman. Once he left, he was in and out of the kids life. The last time he saw his kids was 7/06. For about a month, he started blowing off his visits with them. Then I found out that he moved to Illinois then Texas. We have twins that will be 3 in July. As a matter of fact, their birthday was the last time he saw them.
Anyways, he is not an active member of their life. He has called me several times just to let me know that he will be coming back to Fl to visit and he "plans" to see the kids. But he never once asks about them. He once even called while I was in the bathroom with our son as he was vomitting, which he heard.
I have a boyfriend that I live with, that has stepped up to the role of daddy to my kids, that loves my kids, that is everything their father is not. We are planning on getting married next year and he wants to adopt the kids. All of a sudden, my kids father is mad that I have someone in my life, wants to be active in their life, as much as possible, and suddenly wants to start paying his child support, that he is 10,000 in arrears in right now.
Now, the twins father calls and harasses both me and my boyfriend, calling us both names, calling at all hours of the night, threatening my boyfriend and his cousin, who at one point stood up for me against my ex's calls.
Is anyone else going throught this right now that can offer advice? I guess I just really needed to vent to some moms about this.
So What Happened?™
Thanks, everyone, for your help. To answer a few question, we have what is called Shared Parental Responsibility. However, I am going to file for Sole Custody Monday. I've tried to reason with him, explaining to him that the kids are happy and that should be his only concern. He cares nothing about these kids. The only reason he calls is to bug me and push my buttons. We have been single for 2 years and for those 2 years, he has had a girlfriend all but 1 month. My boyfriend is the first relationship I've been in in 2 years, so darn it, I think I deserve just a little bit of freakin happiness. And I'm finally TRULY happy and in a good place in my life. GAH, it gets so freakin frustrating. lol.
A.H. answers from Fort Myers on February 21, 2007
I have never been in this situation but I think you should start documenting when things happen. Just get a notebook, and note the date time and what was said. I don't think recording the calls will be admisable in court, unless he knows you are doing it. Good luck and stay strong!
A.M. answers from Orlando on February 22, 2007
It's tough to go through something like this but I do agree with every one else, you should probably alert some authorities about his behavior. I hate to admit this but I've seen this same type of senerio happen in my life. One of my brothers and almost all of my cousins put there childrens mothers through the same thing. They leave for another woman, ignor their responsibilities, then when a new man comes around its like that guy is tredding on their territory and now they get mad. It's more like ANIMALS in the wild huh. Some guys are just too much like wild animals. Honestly, you need to just step up to him. Tell him you refuse to be pushed around by him, he was the one that decided to leave you for another woman and you weren't gonna let that break you. You're the stronger person cause you moved on and you found someone who was gonna do for you and your kids. Honestly he's probably in a worse situation and is upset cause you moved on and he can't fight his way back into your life where he probably hadd it better. (Trust me stick to your guns and don't let him controle you. I dont want to see what happened to my sister-in-law happen to you or any one else. Mothers are precious, and sometimes were vulnerable, but we don't ever have to depend on men the way they want us to depend on them and thats why they act the way some of them do.) I would love to say that most likely your ex's threats are just empty threats, but I've seen that for some guys, there is no empty threats, but accual actions on their parts. You should contact the authorities just to make sure you and your precious family are safe.
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L.C. answers from Gainesville on February 22, 2007
Document the calls; tape if possible. Get a restraining order. What he is doing is stalking you and your boyfriend which is illegal. You don't have to live with it. It may escalate if and when he does return to Florida. Take care of yourself and your family.
L.W. answers from Orlando on February 22, 2007
If your boyfriend/fiance is serious about adopting in the future, you both need to start documenting the harrassment. Start keeping a log of phone calls (& what he says, threats he makes, etc) and begin filing police reports in the jurisdiction where the calls are received. Ask the police if you need to tell the ex you are reporting him for the harrassment. I'm guessing you do, otherwise he could claim he didn't know he was harrassing you (I'm not 100% sure about this). If he leaves voicemails, save the recordings (you can play them onto a cassette player if your voicemail system won't let you save them indefinately). Save any emails, letters, faxes too. The police can recommend other measures you should take as well.
This evidence will be critical when your fiance goes to try to adopt the children. It will show the judge what sort of person your ex is. Good luck!
J.T. answers from Tampa on February 22, 2007
I don't really have any experience with your situation but I do know that when my husband's ex-wife(they have a now 10 year old) got married about 1 1/2 years ago he wasn't mad or anything but I could tell that reality set in for him. He didn't miss her or want her back but I think it was the ultimate show that she had really healed from him and had moved on. I have heard that in break ups the ultimate revenge is healing and moving on with your life. I think this is espically true when you have kids. This may be how your ex feels now. I think you are incredibly strong to be raising twins none the less and working full time & starting school. I would just lean on the side of caution if/when your ex comes down to see the kids, espically since he is already acting out. If he already signed off on his parental rights I wouldn't tell him anything more if/when he comes down to see the kids. I would wait to see if he really builds back his relationship with the kids and can regain some rational thinking before you discuss things like your fiance' adopting the kids. Good Luck!! :0)
J.F. answers from Orlando on February 21, 2007
I wasn't in the exact same situation, as my ex has my child with him, but he hates my fiance and our son. He has called and threatened all of us numberious times. I know what it's like to get 1, 2 even 3 am phone calls from an ex who is outraged. I feel for you sweetheart, honestly I do.
I am assumming that he has some custody?? If not, I wouldn't answer the phone anymore. I would tell him the next time that he calls that if he cannot behave like an adult and treat you and your boyfriend(and cousin) with respect that he shouldn't call anymore, because you do not want your children to be effected by his childish actions and words. If he continues to act the way that he is, I would tell him not to bother calling anymore, because you will not be answering the phone until he grows up and can control himself and his anger issues.
I am very sorry that you are going through this. Your boyfriend is a really special guy to take on the role of a DADDY to you children. Anyone can be a father, it takes alot to be a DAD, and even more to be a DAD to someone else children. He sounds like a keeper.
L.H. answers from Miami on February 21, 2007
A.V. answers from Orlando on February 22, 2007
If you are looking for other mom's to vent to I attend a weekly mom's group on Thursday nights. We sit and discuss our children and the men in our lives, usually over food. It is an awesome group led by an awesome girl. If you are interested let me know.