New Baby Equals Marital Stress??/

Hi A.....boy can I relate! Me and my husband are new parents to a 5 month old baby girl also. I noticed some initial stress too. We seemed to argue more than normal and nit pick each other over small things that before would not have been a fight. There is a lot of stress and a big adjustment with a new baby in the house. Life has really changed. I went back to work also, and it was really stressful on me and I think he was picking up on my stress and it was leading to fights. Finally I quit my job and just stayed home. It has made such a difference! I don't feel guilty for leaving her, I have time to clean and keep the house in order. I don't feel stressed out all the time. I am happier and so is my baby and husband. We also live paycheck to paycheck and losing my income has definately hurt a little. But we are not shelling out money for childcare. We save money by not eating out, not renting movies, I clip coupons etc. I don't know if quiting your job is an option, but I can say it made all the difference in my life. If you can't quit maybe you can go part time or work from home? My life has improved 10 fold since I made the decision to be a stay at home mom. I am willing to sacrifice whatever I need to so that I can keep it that way. I have a lot of respect for woman that can do it all -- work and family-- but our lives are so much better this way! Now we never argue. Good luck to you!

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In my opinion you have the right mindset. You can't do it all, and when you can't, your kids should have the priority. If you spend al your time cleaning, they'll turn into neat freaks too because that's what they'll remember about you; not the fun ways you played with them. Good luck. I've been there too. I hope your husband sees the light.

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I know we all want to be super-mom, but the constant running can be overwhelming. I suggest setting up a schedule for family time, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. Although he works a lot, he still needs to help maintain the housework, home improvements and yard.

I set aside 10min of picking up and organizing in the morning and another 10min in the evenings before bed. That's it. I set about 30min aside for cooking for dinner during the week. I do laundry on the weekends and fold during family time when little ones are playing or family is watching a movie. I bring them to the bedroom on the way to taking the kids to bed. Bathrooms are cleaned between loads of laundry on weekends. Floors are swept or mopped as needed during the week. I try to spend 2-3 hours of family time at night. I do short jobs of cleaning for about 10 min after the kids are in bed.

Let hubby do the yardwork, shoveling snow, icing sidewalks, putting away laundry, dusting, taking care of pets, running small errands. I try not to take my little ones with me to the grocery store for the full shopping because it's so stressful. It also gives me an hour or so to be by myself.

You also need to set time aside for yourself and with your partner. You need personal time to think, read, personal development, relax, be social with friends and other family members, etc. Try to give yourself a night out at least every two weeks. Try to have a night out with your partner at least every two weeks. This helps to keep things in perspective. When you have private time with your partner, try to leave the kids, work and home matters out of your conversations and thoughts. This is your time to build your relationship, laugh, bond, etc.

You might also consider getting a maid that comes to your house once a month for deep cleaning or every two weeks for general cleaning like bathrooms, sweeping, windows, etc. Sometimes the cost is like $40 for a small clean and $100 for full clean. The saved time and stress relief from thinking about cleaning and organizing is completely worth the money. For dry cleaning, many companies will come to your workplace for pick up. This saves two trips to the cleaners. You might also consider asking a friend over to help you clean. Have the house all to yourselves and you can chat and clean (or fold laundry, grocery shop, x-mas shop) at the same time. I've had several cleaning get togethers and we switch back and forth.

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Sounds like the two of you had a bit of a reality check and, unfortunately for him, the reality check isn't sinking in.

#1. You're absolutely right - spending time with your baby is exponentially more important than having a clean house. A clean house doesn't nurture your daughter, a clean house doesn't discover a baby's firsts, a clean house doesn't mean more time with the child. BUT...a child who has engaged parents and loving arms will thrive more in those arms, much more so than thriving in a clean house. The baby doesn't give a hoot about a clean house. Let it go...tell your husband to let it go. If you can't, hire a maid service. Your family comes first.

#2. You're not alone. I think most, if not all, first-time parents go through some sort of transition when the family increases by 33%. I was a little stupid and naive when I was pregnant, swept up in the romantic notion that we'd have this sweet little baby who we'd look in on while peacefully sleeping, experience the joy of feeding and cuddling him, and just enjoy every minute of watching him grow. While I did experience all that, I was not prepared for the huge lifestyle change that accompanied a new baby. Things are no longer you and your husband. Things are no longer "let's go out to breakfast on a whim and linger over our coffee and pancakes". No, things are now more like "okay, what time do we need to leave the house in order to make it to this event at this time, how long will we be gone because I need to pack enough bottles/diapers/wipes, and how long is it going to take us to get all of this ready". The bottles and the laundry part blew me away at first; I mean if one of my needs isn't being met it is easy to take care of it but the baby depends on the parents so I always feel like I have to be one step ahead.

What helped me the most was sitting down with my husband and developing clear lists of responsibilities so that the work was balanced between the two of us. He was great and willing to help, but (like most men, and I don't mean this negatively) he definitely needed me to step up and provide the direction. I had to TELL him exactly what to do. Once the two of us got into a routine, it clicked along like magic and actually felt great for the two of working in a partnership to raise our child. Some examples of what we did:

-One parent puts the baby to bed; the other has to wash and make bottles for the next day. This includes prepping the bag and paperwork for daycare.
-One parent does the cooking; the other parent has to do the dishes and kitchen clean up. If you have other kitchen tasks to bundle up in the cleaning, do it! 'Clean up after dinner' in our house means wash dishes, empty trash if needed, start/empty dishwasher if needed, etc.

It took the two of you to make the baby, so it should take the two of you to raise the baby. If you want your husband to be a willing partner in this responsibility, clearly spell out what his roles can be (and, remind him that a happier mommy also makes a happier wife...) and include him on everything - I have my husband convinced that we both need to be present at bathtime (it's great because now that our son is older, bathtime is really special and fun for us!) Sometimes he might not do something exactly the way you might have wanted it done, but decide if his way of doing it is just different or detrimental to your child.

Good luck and don't feel badly because I think everyone experiences this at one time or another.

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Very normal for a new baby to put strain on a marriage!! My husband and I went through this as well. The best advice, communication!!!! The communication between you 2 break down because there is another person to care for that takes all your time. Sit down at the end of the day for just a few minutes to discuss your day and things you can do to help each other, in a positive way without hurting the other person. My husband and I got a devotion book and we try to read from it every night. This has helped our communication a lot.
I also want to recommend the movie Fireproof, a christian movie on marriage. also, here's 10 marriage tips:
Greet your mate with a hug and a kiss
Listen and repeat
Write a short love note
Give complimants
3 hugs everyday
Use "I" statements,not you
Go for a walk
Once a week date
Say only positives
Bond spiritually
Hope this helps!!!
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13
L.

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Well, you are lucky you have a husband who helps with these things, but he should definitely be more understanding. You both have an extra job now. He as a father, you as a mother. He needs to remember that you both have to spend time caring for your child. As time goes on, it will get a little easier. A very young baby is a lot of work. No one should put neatness above love. It is harder for men to put themselves in another's position than it is for a women. I'm not sure exactly what it is he wanted done when he blew up, but maybe you could hand him the baby and say "OK, hold her and I'll do it right now".
Or maybe when he is wanting you to come to bed for a little romance, you say, "OK, as soon as I get done scrubbing this floor". It might wake him up to the fact that one thing hs to be sacrificed for another now. That is what being a parent it. You are sacrificing the next 18 years for this little one. It is worth it!

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With babies comes stress from places you didn't know stress could come from. You all have to work together and remember that dust will still be there tomorrow but your baby will only be 5mo 1day once and you will never see that day again but you can find the dust anywhere anytime. It's harder for men to adjust then women (I think everything is harder for men lol) so give him some time and try talking to him about how you feel and what you are trying to do. Maybe he needs to "walk in your shoes", let him take care of her alone and try doing all that you do. That may be all he needs to back off. Or let someone watch the baby while the two of you get the house in shape so that it is easier for you to handle a little each nite and it wont get out of hand so quick. It might also help if he had other "daddys" to talk to he may lighten up when he finds out everyone with kids has dust bunnies and money worries especially new parents (unless they have a maid). My husband and I went through a similar situation and it's not easy but it does get easier. Mine still hasn't quiet "adjusted" the way I think he should (4 years and now two kids later) but things are a lot easier and who knows I could be expecting too much. Cause goodness knows men and women think nothing alike! LOL! Good Luck and don't be too hard on yourself enjoy your baby, take time (at least a little) for yourself and remember to give a little love to the hubby. It's easy to over look him when you are so busy and we sometimes don't think he really misses the little things (hugs a pat on the back or holding his hand) but you may be surprised (I was).

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i don't have great advise for you but what I do have is support. My hubby and I still have many disagreements and fights. We never really fought before our son was born. If you ever wanna talk send me a message. I know how you feel exactly

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hi A.,
you've gotten some really great responses. i have been there too. it was a tremendous adjustment for us (especially my husband) and we argued ALOT in the beginning. we still do and our daughter is 15 months. our biggest problem is that i'm a crummy housekeeper. i'm a sahm and still can not manage to get the house cleaned.

i am very disappointed that your husband would put a clean house before your daughter's best interest. that is just not right. nothing is more important than spending time with your daughter. she is young for such a brief time. could you possibly take some time off work for awhile, or maybe find a job working from home part time? hire a housekeeper? if it were me i would simply tell my husband that there is absoultely NO way i would be leaving my child at daycare longer just so i could clean the house. i simply can not understand why such little things such as laundry are so important to some. i could kick my husband when he comes home from work annoyed because the kitchen is dirty.

sorry i don't have much advice to give, but maybe sit down with your hubby and have a heart to heart and explain to him how your feeling and your issues with guilt and that you don't need to make it any worse by leaving her for any longer then need be. hang in there, it does get easier.

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from what i've noticed, most couples with young ones have more arguments than before the baby arrived. my husband & i have had our fair share of arguments, esp when we have both been stressed out from a bad day. however, it seems that your husband is putting way too much pressure on you to keep things up the way it was before your baby arrived. that is just NOT possible, unless you want to run yourself ragged doing it all. i have also made the decision to spend more time with my kids than to do house cleaning stuff. whatever his work schedule, he should either be willing to help out himself or hire a housecleaner. you are not superwoman! you can't do it all.

your house will always need to be cleaned, but your children will only need you for a short time. (that was something my mom told me shortly after my 1st baby arrived & i was out of sorts b/c my house was not as clean as before).

being under work stress is not an excuse for your hubby to treat you like a housekeeper! you are his wife & the mother of his child...you are under just as much stress about expectations, also. in my opinion (as a social worker), he needs to see a therapist. talk some issues out, relieve stress. maybe even get into marriage counseling, but i do think he needs to speak with someone personally first.

if your hubby still thinks that you need to do more...send him over to my house to see how my husband & i divide & conquer the work, even tho i am a SAHM & he works full time. this morning, he let me sleep in until 8:30, made breakfast & bottles for the girls (ages 27 months & 15 weeks), started laundry, & unloaded the dishwasher. i'm saying this not to make you feel bad, but to let you know that you deserve better treatment! just b/c you are the woman doesn't mean you do all the house & child work. i'm not spouting some crazy feminist ideals here; it's just the partnership of marriage & parenting!

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A.,

Every couple has a difficult transition from "couple" to "family".
Sounds like you know your husband well, so you know what you need to do to pacify him, but you are just streched a little thin right now.
You need to have a talk with him.

The house isn't going to be perfect with a child added to it. They require so much "stuff". Plus you are correct in wanting to spend as much time as possible with your child. They grow up so fast...I'll bet everyone tells you that!
I remember when they told me that too and now my baby is thirteen and it just breaks my heart that I had to spend so much time doing other things when she was little.

On the other hand, husbands often feel "left out" because they are not getting all your attention anymore and they may feel uncomfortable doing child care, especially if it is a new thing for them. You just do what comes naturally because you are a mom, but be very careful to not critisize the way he takes care of the baby, (unless of course he is putting her in danger)even though it is not the way you would do it. That father - daughter bond is critical in your child's future development.

I know it is hard, but let dad do some of the child care and some of the snuggling. Make a big effort to include him in that bonding. Also keep telling hubby how much you appreciate him, how hard you know he works (yeah! even though you work just as hard!), try telling him how you are so sorry you didn't get to the scrubbing and sweeping, and how grateful you are that he is willing to help you out so much. Men need a brass band to reward them for housework!

Last but probably most important, seduce him. Even if you don't feel like it after a hard day working, cleaning and taking care of your angel. Men need that so much more than we do.

One thing I did when my girl was little, was I put her in one of those bouncy seats and set her up on the dining room table so she could see me and then she kept me company while I did housework.

Best of luck, and congratulations on your daughter,
L.

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I know you said you live paycheck to paycheck, but have you looked into a cleaning lady? Perhaps having someone come in 1-2x/month would help keep the house cleaner to your husbands liking. You also work full-time, and once you get home you have another full-time job. Once your daughter gets a little older, maybe you could hire a neighbor's pre-teen as a mother's helper who could watch your daughter for a few hours so you could get more done. Another answer might be to arrange to be gone on your husband's next day off. Maybe a conference for work, etc. He can then see how easy it is to juggle house and baby. Maybe he will have a new appreciation for all you are doing. Sometimes I think husbands see the many hours of time you are home and expect so much more than is possible to be done.
Also, make sure you two are getting some couple time away. Even once a month it is important for him to see how important he is to you. Date night is needed now more than ever!
Good luck to you.
R.

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Not sure if you tried it but I nursed and that saved A BUNCH of $$$$ still nurse at night and naps BUT he is on solids most the time. I feel you with the strain. My hubby is the only one who works and he wanted it that way which is nice for me to stay home with the 2 kids. OKAY you pay $600 in DAYCARE???? HOLY MOLY where do you live that is HIGH. I watched a 3 yr old and I got 100 for her and I had her from 4pm - 3:30 am I FED her got her bath EVERYTHING a mom would do so pretty much had 3 kids through the week which was WOW, not sure how some do it w/more then 2. Any way I know when we had just our daughter we did penny pinch NOW with Quentin WOW we really pinch BUT still get to do things. I would try to find a cheaper daycare. I am in New Haven IN if you are close by I would LOVE to sit for a newborn again lol.... Hope everything gets better. I know how it gets when you argue not good for you guys NOR baby. Can you get a fam member to watch lil one for you 2 to go out and chill and talk things out on how to do better? I feel for you really. My hubby and I had NO time hardly with Avery 4 yr old when she was a baby NOW Quentin came and STILL have no time BUT we TRY to find time when we can. Even if it is LOCK the door at night when they are in bed lol but you do not have that problem yet since yours is 5 mo. OH my house gets a mess with the 2 kids and he will say it is lived in but I can not take it. When they go to bed I tidy up some to my liking IF he does not like it tell him to do it. lol TRUST me you work F/T PLUS take care of a baby YOUR job is WAY harder then his I am sure. To bad us mothers do not get paid we would be rich lol.....

A.,
I suggest you take Melissa's advice and make your husband and your darling little girl your priority. you will NEVER have this opportunity again and no amount of money can replace those relationships. You learn to do without things you want, your eating patterns may even change, but that ok. Do what's best to build these relationships and God has a way of taking care of the rest.
Wishing you, your wonderful husband and precious baby girl a world of happiness as you build this foundation together.

I think that a new baby equals so much marital stress that if a couple didn't come to a blowout like yours, something must be wrong with them! When our first baby was born, my husband and I felt so much tension between us that one day, on the way out the door, I yelled that I wasn't sure if I loved him anymore. I just felt like I had nothing left to give him, since our son was taking so much. That night we stayed up literally all night since it was the only time we had 8 uninterrupted hours to sleep - well, we took a break once for a 3 a.m. feeding! Just airing all our grievances, trying to figure out compromises and reminding ourselves that we really do love each other and that we have to figure out how to be a team in a brand new way was the way we got out of that dark place.

Fast-forward three years and we were just there again. Our daughter was about 7 months old and my husband and I found ourselves in the same tense, angry, resentful place as before. I think that we assumed that since we'd already had a baby, adding another would be an easy transition but boy, were we wrong. We had a long, long talk one day after a terrible fight and in the end we felt a lot better. We figured out what was bothering us (and it takes a LOT of talking to get there) and we figured out what each of us could do differently to achieve a common goal. And this time, the goal was to make sure that we put aside enough time for each other.

The key to getting past this is communication, openness, honesty and compromise. At least it was in our experience. And as for your husband's tolerance for messiness, I have to say I can relate. Except I'm the neat freak. You mentioned that you're earning a decent living. Have you ever thought about getting a housekeeper once or twice a month? That's something we did when our son was born and it is money well, well spent. I know that as long as I can keep up with the clutter and daily chores like meals, bills, laundry and errands, I don't have to worry about the deep cleaning. That gives me a lot of peace of mind and makes me feel like I have the time to play with my kids and cuddle with my husband at the end of the night. And I'm a stay at home mom, so if you're both working you definitely can benefit from it. Even once a month makes a big difference. Think about it.

Good luck. It's a rude awakening to have a beautiful new baby and then realize your marital relationship all of a sudden sucks. But if you work together to figure it out, you'll get past it and be stronger than ever. I wish you all the best!

Will your job allow you a "leave of absence" to "try out" being a Stay at home mom for a month or so. Or even working part time. Possibly try it out. 600 is alot. Maybe you make considerably more than that. Or not, figure up the costs of childcare, gas, lunches out, coffee on way to work , whatever it is, etc. Even if you don't want to or can't do it permanantly, it may be your chance to get the house in order, and help soome of the mommy guilt. When my 2 oldest kids were babies I stayed home becasue it was more effiecient. I have a 5 month old now and am divorced so I sub at the Post office every saturday and usually they call me once during the week. So his Daddy or family can watch the kids can watch him when I work.

Not trying to force the lifestyle on you, I just know that sometimes it just makes since. Take care and I hope you and your husband can make it through this time.

I have a 6 month old and a 6 year old who can help out so prior to our sons arrival, the house was back to being as clean as I would like. I am in a similar situation but I am the neat freak! Try sitting down and dividing the work. We did that for awhile and then had to change it up. Now we just deal with the lived in look thorught he week and bust out the major work ont he weekends, together. It makes the cleaning take less time and we get equal time with our kidsd. Also, throw a load of laundrey in beofre you leave for the day, dry it when you get home and you should be ablet o hold off the laundry monster for the most part. Goood lucka nd don't worry, adjustment can take time, esp with your first child.

A., please stop blaming yourself for having a messy house!! It is not appropriate for your husband to blame you, blow up at you, & say it is your duty!! Not at all!!

I am hoping it is because he is young & he will soon see that he needs to calm down, put his priorities in the right order, & give emotional support to you & your child. His role is not BOSS to his wife. Blowing up is childish. I call it "throwing tantrums" because it is.

The house work should be divided between you & your husband. Remind him that being a Mom is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week job. Plus you work a fulltime job. His job & hours may be hard-- but so are yours. His expectations of a clean house need to become realistic. Your baby does not care if your house is a mess. Your baby wants to be in your arms as much as possible. You are teaching your baby a sense of security. So what if the house is a mess!!

Let me tell you, my most secure & happy friends came from working Moms & very messy homes. The ones from perfectly clean houses seem to be much more anxious & less confident. That is what I remind myself when my house looks like a tornado has been through it. We have 4 kids, 4 yrs. to 16 yrs. It is much more important to teach your kids to laugh & smile than it is to spend all the time picking up.

You need to find out if your husband is trying to actually control you by using his angry outbursts. That is not appropriate in a marriage. Remember you are an equal adult & need respect. Plus your body is still trying to adjust to the physical changes after giving birth(& caring another person for 9 months).

I have experienced a husband using angry outbursts to get what he wants. I had to learn a lot, like to stick up for myself, my health & my emotions. I do clean everyday--but nothing is ever perfect & my kids are great. Now I give myself permission to be with my kids, love my job for pay, & to RELAX in my home.
Best wishes & I hope the two of you work out a routine that gives you the most time possible with your baby girl.

Hi A....
Kind of sounds to me is that he wants the money, but wants a family too. I believe he might be kind of hinting that he wants you to stay home so you don't have to spend so much on daycare or driving costs...maybe much more. My fiance and I struggled in that area for the first year of my daughters life...We have 3, 2 are old enough to be in school all day the other is 2yrs. and is almost ready to start preschool (they won't let her in until she's 3). I started a new job, and it seemed like everything was tighter than it was. So, I post poned work for a little bit to finish school and to take care of our youngest, while he worked. We also talked about working seperate shifts so we don't have to worry about a daycare or a babysitter. We can't find a job for myself that will do that right now. Maybe you two can work something out..?? My fiance works for a company that works him a month at 4am till 2:30pm and the other month will be 4:pm till 12:30am. It worked for us until I got a job, and went back to school...I'd work from 4:30pm until 11pm..and it intertwined with his job when he went onto nights. So that didn't work. But I am sure you two can work something out. Kids aren't the problem...its the life around them!

Yes, babies are stressful. I am 27 and have 3 kids. It's sometimes hard to keep up with the dishes and laundry everyday for 5 people (3 meals a day and two loads of laundry a day). Let alone the sweeping, bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping and playing with the kids. I am also homeschooling so that adds another level of stress (good stress but stress none the less). I recommend FLYlady.com. She will help you get your house in order if it's mess and KEEP it clean and detailed doing a little bit everyday. It's doable. You will have detailed (and I am talking major detailing) ever room in your house once a month. Everyday you get the important stuff done (cleaning bathroom toilet, kitchen sink, dishes, laundry, you know the stuff you have to do every day). It's great for perfectionists.

NOW to the issue of your husband. He has unreal expectations. He can't expect things to be as clean as they were EVERYDAY after you just had a baby. You are still recovering. I am sure you are tired. I am sure you are getting used to having no sleep. It's hard. Once your daughter is a year or so it gets easier. If he doesn't understand then you all might want to think about counseling. You are doing a great job. Don't let this get you down. Babies know when you are stressed. It can make them more upset. Best of luck to you and your new family. I hope that helps.

M.
p.s. if that doesn't help you could always hire a maid service. There is no shame in it. :) I have used one in the past.