"New Baby and a 22 Month Old Son"

I was in the exact same boat as you 3 months ago. I had a newborn and a 22 month old. In my case we had my husband stay home with me for 2 weeks (I had a c-section) and it helped my toddler a ton. He got to get one on one time with daddy and not feel left out while I was dealing with the baby. I also bought him a new toy and told him it was from the baby which he thought was great. I would also include him when I was interacting with the baby, like telling him to say hi to the baby or to touch his hand gently. I would also read him a book while I was feeding the baby. Luckily my new son is very easygoing and will let me leave him for a moment while I do something with my older son. Oh, I also bought a sling which the baby loves and it allows me to be hands free to do stuff with my son. Good luck to you and I hope some of this helped!

You don't have to expect sibling rivalry. It doesn't have to be that way. If you make a concerted effort to make your big brother feel special and loved, making him one of the participants in the experience, he will find his own way into the relationship with the new baby. It depends on his personality and his own little process. He is an active participant now! Let him continue :)

My oldest son was 18 months when we brought home our new little one. He thought that the baby was a gift especially for him. He was immediately protective and loved to hold and feed the baby whenever he wanted which we let him do with me on the couch at all times with them, of course.

To this day there is no rivalry.

Good luck! Expect good!

I have an 8 month old whose sister was 19 months when she was born. I was worried about a lot of things before my baby was born that I thought my toddler woul have trouble with (like jealousy, wanting to be picked up after my c-section, etc). But, what the doctor advised in the hospital, and worked very well, was to have my husband take over with the toddler. Her exact words "Dad, this is your opportunity to really shine with her (the toddler)". My husband took that to heart, and it worked great. He was there when she woke up, he gave her her bottle in the morning (she was still on bottles!), he dressed her, brought her to daycare, picked her up, helped with her dinner, played with her, bathed her, etc, etc. It was great. There were times when she wanted my attention, and I would give it to her (though I could not pick her up), but she never seemed jealous. Maybe this would work for you, too. Good luck!

My kids are 2 years apart and the older rarely has a jealous moment. I would say involve him in every possible way you can. Have him help you with the baby, sing to baby, get diapers for baby, throw baby's diaper away..anything you can think of. He'll feel important. Also, you might find yourself feeding the new baby in interesting places (on the floor while building with blocks was my favorite). Just go with the flow and be sure to give him lots and lots of attention. A new baby sleeps most of the time, so you will be able to do that. Also, a new baby doesn't realize he's missing out on some of the attention. I often left my little daughter in her bouncy seat to play with my son, and do other things.
Another thing you might want to do is teach your older son the meaning of 'be gentle' if he doesn't know it already. :) Came in handy and still does, as my younger isn't quite a year.
I thought my son would be jealous too, but he wasn't. It sounds like you are very aware of his feelings and want to avoid the jealousy. You can do it! There will be rough patches, but all in all it is so fun to watch the older one be a big brother to his baby sister, and watching them interact now that she's 10 months is a joy, too. My son says his baby sister is his best friend. Just keep him involved and teach him to love the baby. Congrats on the new baby!

Don't doom yourself with language like "I know he is going to be very jealous." Focus on what a wonderful opportunity this will be for him! He will have someone lower in the pecking order than him finally. He will get to teach, share, help... all things that will build his self-esteem. Get him a baby doll, read lots of books about new siblings together, bring him to Obstetrician appointments and let him hear the heartbeat, sing songs to the belly together, do pre-natal exercises and stretching together, make or buy shirts that say "I'm a big brother," remind him that he is special because he came first and that together you have so much room in your hearts for a new member of the family, if you haven't already- find him a playgroup... make the new baby a miracle to celebrate! Get dad in on it too: they can plan all of the big boy things they will get to do while Mom is recovering, nursing, etc. It can be a really powerful time of bonding for them.
Don't blame pregnancy, the baby, or the belly for things like "mommy can't pick you up because it could hurt the baby." Explain that mom's back is sore so it's better to sit and snuggle together on the couch.
Frame your language in a positive way and offer lots of hugs. This new baby is a gift for your whole family!

My sons are 22 months apart and we have never had any jealousy issues. The advice of having the baby give the big brother a gift at the hospital is a great one and you may be surprised to see how many of your friends actually arrive with gifts for both the new baby and the big brother. When it was all said and done, having a baby brother ended up being the best party my older son had ever had! :>) He was thrilled.

After the initial excitement was over, we just tried to consistently do a few things:

1. Shower the older brother with lots of love and attention.
2. Make him feel important for all the little things he does to help Mommy and baby brother.
3. Start fostering a positive relationship between the two early by saying things like, "Look! Baby brother is smiling at you! He really loves his big brother." This almost always elicited the response, "I love my baby brother, too!" I would then say, "And I love my two boys."
4.Set expectations for the relationship between the two by praising the right behaviors like sharing or simply any sweet or positive gesture from big brother to little brother.
5.Have him share in his brother's successes. I realized early on that the baby was going to be hitting many milestones in rapid succession so was going to be getting lots of praise and attention. Instead of just gushing over the fact that the baby could sit, crawl, stand, etc., we would point out the accomplishment to the big brother and say, "Look! Your baby brother can sit all by himself. He's been watching you sit. Did you teach him how to do that?" Big brother would then proudly say "yes" and we would celebrate both brothers - one for learning and the other for teaching. Now that both are a little bit older (3.5 and 1.5) our oldest is constantly praising his brother for learning new things (alphabet, counting, etc) and then proudly announces that he's been teaching him all these things. As a result, they are more like team mates then adversaries.

Anyway, I realize that a lot of the dynamics between the two is also personality dependent. But, I do think that you are right in proactively thinking of ways to foster a positive relationship between the siblings.

Someone gave me a book called "Siblings Without Rivalry" as a gift when the second was born. It was an easy, interesting read and gave me some things to think about in the long term. A lot of it is common sense, but the book brings it to the forefront of your mind so you can be more deliberate in acting on some of the principles.

Hope this helps! Blessings to your growing family!

Congratulations! First, I would think positively (instead of thinking about the potential jealousy, talk about the joy in this experience). One of the most important things you could do is start to talk to your son about the new baby. Tell him how wonderful it will be to be a bigger brother and help out. I remember at four, my parents talked to me about my little sister and that I was mommy's little helper. I was so thrilled when my sister was born and my parents included me in the process. I got to hold her and play with her and feed her and protect her. Your little guy may be too young to do these things, but make him feel like he is an important part of the process.

Hi, these are actually the ages of my middle son and my daughter. I had no jealousy issues at all. There was some trouble with him going to bed the first 3 or 4 nights we were home from the hospital, but my hubby and I went up, rocked him, and then put him to bed - he adjusted just fine. I think people get so nervous, but really older siblings love their younger baby siblings. I think you need to just involve him in everything, even holding the baby, teaching him to be gentle, and not saying "no you can't do that b/c of the baby..., or that is the baby's" That I think helped a lot with us.
Good luck

I know you got a ton of advice, but a couple of things that we did at the beginning was a) have my daughter come visit me in the hospital. I think it made her feel a part of things. b) had a "birthday cake" in the hospital for the baby. I thought it was nice because instead of a present from the baby, it was something about the baby that we all got to share. c) made a really conscious effort to sometimes tell the baby he had to wait (out loud) because I was doing something with his big sister. But on the whole, as others have said, the transition went a million times more smoothly than I thought it would. I guess kids are more adaptable than we think!

Hi,

My experience: My daughter and son are two weeks shy of two years apart. There was really no jealousy because she was too young to really get it. Your oldest will start to show more jealousy when the baby is old enough to be mobile and grab things (as was my case).

Best piece of advice the dr. gave me: when the sibling comes to the hospital to visit (if that indeed happens - or seeing the baby for the first time), have SOMEONE ELSE hold the baby and introduce the two of them. The key is someone else holds the baby so there is nobody occupying your arms or lap (at least initially) which can lead to jealousy. Worked great for us!!!

A.

I have four kids and they range in space from 15 mos appart to 2 1/2 yrs appart. Try to do things like sit on the floor while you are feeding the baby so you can interact with your son at the same time and try to keep the bedtime routine as close to the same as possible. I have never had a probem with jealousy and I always made my kids feel like they were so important because they were now a big brother or sister and could help me with the new baby.

Hi... my kids are almost 21 months apart. What I did was let the older sibling help as much as possible. Like grab a diaper or the wipes because her brother needed her too. I also did special things like read or color while the baby was napping. When it came to feeding I just let the older one pick a favorite show... sesame street usually.My advice is just keep the older one involved. Good Luck!!

Something that worked well for us was to give our older child a baby of her own. When I needed to feed our newborn son, she fed her baby (in fact we have a hilarious but discreet photo of me breastfeedimg my son on the sofa and our daughter sitting next to me wearing only a diaper "breastfeeding" her baby too), when I needed to change his diaper, she changed her baby's diaper. We also gave this baby doll to our daughter at the hospital when she came to meet her new brother and we told her that it was a present from him. While I do not think it is possible to eliminate the jealousy issues entirely, keeping the older sibling busy helps a lot. Plus he is too young to think of dolls as "only for girls."

You'd be surprised at how little jealousy my 20 month (at the time) old showed towards his new sister in December. He IS too young to understand that he will be a big brother, and from our experience, don't push that angle. Remind him that he is STILL your baby, and that you love him as much as you did before.

MY guy didn't want my attention all the time-my parents and sister were fantastic distractions for him and gave him all the attention he needed. He was great with me-it was his dad who he gave a hard time to at bedtime.

Don't even think of the jealousy angle. I don't really think they "get" jealousy until they're older.

HI Alicia,

I have 2 boys that are 18 months apart and we were living outside the country at the time with no family support around.

The best piece of advice is to give the older child lots of attention - he'll notice, but the baby won't. I was lucky that I had my second in December and my hubby could work from home most of the month and was able to give my older son lots of attention. After he went back to work, I established a routine for the 2 boys and I. When I was on the couch breastfeeding the baby that was when my older son got to watch 15 minutes of a favorite video or read a special story. Sometimes I breastfeed at the table and let my older son do crafts like playdoh, etc.

We also had the baby give my older son a present at the hospital which he loved. We started sharing before the baby came. One for mommy, one for you, etc.

It's a daily process and some days will be better than others. I have to say now that the boys are 2.5 and almost 4 they get along really well and for the most part share great. They definitely have their moments, but are by far much better than most close siblings that I've seen.

Just give them lots of love and don't forget to get some moments in for you. Tireness can sap the best of patience and you'll need lots of it throughout this priceless journey.

Best of luck,
S.

Hi Alicia!

Congratulations! My 2 children are exactly 22 months apart as well...first son, Zach, was born in December and my second, Dylan, born 22 months later in October!!!

I was extremely fretful when I was pregnant with Dylan. I was so nervous about jealousy issues, and I also was heartsick over my alone time with Zach being "gone forever". I remember being in the delivery room, alone for just a few minutes, bawling because I was so nervous and sad that our whole little world was going to change.

HOWEVER...Zach was incredible with his new baby brother!!! He just took to Dylan and helped me when I was nursing. Was very interested in watching me bathe him and feed him and change him. Zach would bring him a toy if the baby was crying. It was truly incredible, and Zach was so much more ready for the new baby than I was! I underestimated Zach's reaction and prepared for the worst, but was so amazed and blessed to have a smooth transition!

I think talking about it and preparing him for the change is extremely important and it sounds like you have been doing that. It won't hurt either if the new baby brings the "older brother" a little present! Dylan gave Zach a little stuffed puppy dog. I think it really was important to involve Zach in all that I could - within reason - and give him little helper jobs to do. Then, as tired as I was, after Dylan would go down for a nap, I would make sure Zach and I had a special time to read or watch a program or play a game. Not every single time, but enough to make sure I focused on him.

As I said, I was truly blessed to have such a smooth transition, but I think it can be for you as well. And I will tell you honestly, 22 months apart is awesome! My 2 boys are best buddies and play everything together! They do like different things but find many things to do together and have wonderful adventures! Sure they fight like cats and dogs every now and then, but the bond they have is amazing!

I hope that your experience will be as incredible as mine. Please feel free to email and "chat" with me if you need to vent, are stressed, or what have you.

I wish you all the best!

C. R

Don't set him up to be jealous by expecting it . Non of my children were jealous of the new baby. Keep him part of the daily care. Helping with bottles, dipers ( they love to throw them away) and any other things he can do to help. let him hold his baby with you. Good Luck it will all work out

Hi ALicia, My two are exactly 22 months apart too! My sister and I are 6 years apart and I wanted mine close together. It was a good plan. My son, who is older, LOVED his new sister. We never really had any jealousy issues. From the start we did as you are doing, telling him we're going to have a new baby, he's going to be a big brother. I made sure that when she was napping he and I had special time and did fun little things, read a book, playdoh, or just played with his toys. I let him "help" take care of her too, like holding the clean diaper and passing it to me, picking out an outfit for her to wear, things like that. We rarely ever had issues with him being jealous. Hope that helps.

My 2 youngest are 23 months apart. I had the same concerns. I have a feeling you may fare better than you think. Because he is almost 2, he will be a little more independent and able to focus on what he is doing a little longer. My daughter wasn't even fazed by the baby. She gave her a kiss & then would leave her alone. Had absolutely no interest in her until she was about 5 months old, & then all she wanted to do was hold her for 10 seconds. She is now 7 mos & she loves laying on the play mat with her. I do suggest however that you encourage your toddler to help you as much as he is capable, getting diapers ect...Keep your routine as much as possible & throw in an extra story time or activity. Also, don't tell him "NO That's the baby's" I let may daughter play in the swing, lay in the crib, playpen, use the baby's blanket,ect.. The less I resisted, the less interested she was in having everything. Fear not & good luck!

My kids are 22 monthes apart too. I had the same concerns that you do. But to my surprise my oldest was great around his baby brother. He tried helping us and we just made it a point to give him some special time when his brother was sleeping. The only thing that my oldest did was at the hospital when he can to visit me. He didn't want anything to do with me. Other then that he was great. Now they are 2 & 4 and are your typical boys! Hope this helps and best of luck!

My boys are 17 months and we had some jealousy issues. My oldest was born with a cleft palate so he couldn't nurse, therefore, I was his comfort, no pacifier, no thumb sucking, it was all me & my husband (mostly me since I'm home full time). We made sure that a gift was brought from the new baby, also many people showed up with gifts for both which was nice because it made our oldest feel special. We explained that people were celebrating his brothers birth and he was receiving presents because he was special too.

Since the new baby slept a lot in the beginning, it gave our oldest time to just snuggle with me on the coach and rest together which to this day is still his favorite thing to do.

It will be fine Alicia! They'll be so close together in age that at some point he won't even remember being the only child. At least you didn't wait 5 1/2 years between siblings like I did LOL.

Love, your wonderful sister-in-law
A. LOL

I am pregnant with my 4th child and I really think you will be suprised. Your son is young enough that these feelings of jealousy may just fly over his head. When my 2nd was born they were 20 mos. apart. Nothing. It was like his world didn't change at all! Then my 3rd was born and I thought for sure the second one would have an awful time with it (they were 2yrs apart.) Again, nothing! However, my oldest, who was 3 1/2 at the time did have jealousy issues. He was just old enough to understand and the baby obviously took time away from him... He came around about 4 months into it and now all is well! We'll have to see what happens this time with a 2, 4 and 5 1/2 yr old!
I would think there would be very few, if any, issues. I just think he is too young to comprehend all of this. Good luck. Hope the pregnancy goes well!!

I'm a SAHM of two sons as well--and my DS was 17.5 months when my second DS was born, and he did understand to some degree about the new baby. It made a lot more sense after the birth, of course (which was at home, as planned, and he watched and even said "Baby... Momma?" while pointing to the baby and then to my stomach at the time they were first introduced--so he DID get it a bit.). The biggest problem I had was my toddler acting out the minute I sat down to nurse. I've since learned there were several things I ought to have done differently. Feeding time is the hardest for an older sibling because you need to give 100% attention to the new baby and it's hard to just jump up to take care of DS1's needs.

1. Anticipate when it'll be time to nurse (I nursed on demand and was still able to have a feel for "when") and take care of the older boy first. Get him a snack, a drink, then set him down nearby with a special basket/bin that has a puzzle or two, some NEW books (helpful if about siblings/babies, being helpful, etc.), and an interactive toy. This bin/basket is ONLY to be used during feeding times (whether nursing or not) and gets put away as soon as baby's done eating & burping. It keeps it special. Also, change or rotate the contents every week to keep it exciting

2. Keep in mind they turn two as soon as they hit 18 months! This will make sense in time, but truly, do extra toddler child proofing, because if DS1 starts to explore his limits while you're feeding, as mine did, you'll have to drop the baby into a swing a lot less often in order to "rescue" DS1 (or the house plant he's tipping over, etc.)

3. If you have a DVR and allow your DS to watch TV, record some shorts (e.g. Pingu, Curious George) from PBS/PBS Sprout. Save them to watch while you're feeding the baby and talk about them together.

4. The second baby is napping, spend a solid 15 minutes giving 100% undivided attention to DS1. Whatever chores or cleanup are necessary can wait! It's the best way to convey to the boys that they are #1 in your life. It's so easy to get sidetracked--"just a minute, honey, let me finish cleaning the kitchen"--and never get back to the activity your child's interested in.

Everyone's suggestions below are terrific--the sibling birth gift, the books to prepare for siblings, etc. We did both and it did help, but at that age, they'll do like to begin challenging themselves and their authority figures.

Good luck!

My kids are also 22 months apart (now 5 and 27 months old). The jealousy issues pretty much disappeared after the first month and were honestly never that bad. We made a real effort to make the older child feel like being a big sibling was very special - we let her hold the baby (with assistance) and had her help wherever she could, by picking out clothes for the baby to wear, bringing diapers to change, etc. Some friends and family gave her big sister presents when they brought over baby presents, and I think that helped too. I don't think our daughter understood the whole baby in my belly thing, but now she adores him. Sometimes she wants to hold him when he needs to eat or sleep, but she is getting better at understanding that every day. Toy sharing is the other challenge, but she usually stops grabbing if I point out how many more toys she has or ask if she wants to trade her toy for the baby's. If that doesn't work, saying she'll have to go into time out almost always work (she's made it into time out twice). Overall, I think she really likes being a big sister - she's proud of her little brother and likes to tell people about him, tells him she loves him, and is usually adorable with him. People I asked for advice when I was pregnant told me that the main thing was to let her feel like she had "graduated" from being a baby into the much more important role of being an older sibling rather than making her feel like the new baby stole her role as family baby - I think that's the advice that helped me the most.

Good luck! The first month was really hard on me (hopefully won't be so much for you) but it's gotten better every day since and now they even entertain each other a lot of the time!

I have kids just about the same age difference apart. My son turned 2 about a week before our second was born. I, too, was worried about the jealousy thing b/c I had heard how horrible and hard it can be. In our case, we had no issue with jealousy. He just LOVES his little brother and if I have trouble with him with anything it's getting him to understand that his brother needs space to breathe! :-) He wants to play with him every second and wants him to wake up all the time and if the baby is playing on the activity mat, my 2 year old lays on it with him and tries to kiss all over the baby. It's adorable. Anyway, I know that's not advice for you, but perhaps a word of encouragement that it's not always the issue that we fear it will be. I, too, told him often of the baby in mommy's belly and I'm sure he didn't understand, but it didn't take long once his little brother arrived for him to get it. One tip someone gave me was to read a book to the older one when I was nursing (or bottle feeding if that's what you're going to do) the baby. That has been a sweet time for all of us. Also, I enlist big brother to help with little things that I know he can do... "Can you help mommy with your little brother and throw this diaper in the trash?" "Can you get his binky out of his bassinet and bring it to me?" "Can you make the baby smile/laugh?" HE LOVES THAT, and offers to help me with things all the time and it makes him feel very special and included. Like another mother said, he did have trouble sleeping the first few days (naps and night time), but I really think it was the excitement of it all, b/c within a few days he was back to his normal schedule. He never seemed "put out" by any of it. Just not wanting to miss a moment.

Hope that encourages you! Best wishes with your delivery and addition to your family! It's a challenging schedule at first, but SUCH fun!!

That is exactly the difference between my two girls! My oldest will be three in July and my youngest will turn one in less than a month. Anyway, I found that it helped to give my oldest a special "gift" from the baby while I was in the hospital to break the ice a little. You are right - they are still young at that age and even when your new baby is born, your son will likely still not really get what's going on for a while. Regardless, I highly recommed also reading books to him now about being a big brother, and continuing that when the baby comes. I also suggest some special "alone" time for just you and him, or your husband and your son, when the baby is born and your son sees that the baby isn't leaving!

My oldest was definitely jealous, and she still has times when she swats her little sister or pushes her when she gets into her toys. We are very frim about no hitting so we discipline as necessary, but sometimes my oldest just wants to be left alone and not be bugged by the baby. I do take the baby and put her in another room and distract her in the kitchen so my oldest can have a little time to herself now and then. I do want them to share but I also feel it's important for all kids to have special things and time just for them. I hope this helps... people tell me they will have some rivalry for the rest of their lives, so I try to keep that in mind!! Good luck! The first few months are tough but it does get easier.

I suggest getting books to read with your son about babies and being a big brother. Also tell your son how proud you are of the "big boy" things he does. Encourage him to be part of what you do with the baby, helping to take care of his baby sister or brother and be sure to set aside one on one time with him. The gift idea sounds good too. Congratulations. : )