Nervous Expecting Mom, Worried About 21 Month Old

C.,
I had my second son 23 months after my first son.
I had never even been without him one night before that. My husband and I work opposite shifts so I am the bedtime mommy.
It sounds like your having a C-section based on the number of days your going to be in the hospital. This might be an advantage to you for planning with your son. It might be worth it to have a family member or friend or such come over and do a run through the night-time routine with you and your son. This would be his "special adventure night" with this special person. I did just have this thought... If your section is scheduled... most of the time it's early in am... your husband could be home for bedtime routine also. If he is not usually around...maybe have a run through with him. I will just say from experience... Dads get away with not doing things "just right"... just fine... (with the kids anyway) .. :)
Back to the C-section. I'm sure you've heard this before but you really need to make sure you get as much rest as you can in the hospital. It will make for a happier you and your son will see that. It seems as though you already know the answer... but the pack and play sounds very unfamiliar and hospitals have different smells and sounds (even at night)
My son came in with Daddy the day after I delivered and stayed in his stroller most of the time. He was unusually shy for him even toward me and that hospital bed seemed scary to him. He came out of his shell when he got a present he could open on the bed. After about and hour he was ready to go home. He "loved" Daddy time and NAna time and Mimi time. Once home he really took charge of his new role. He tooke it upon himself to bring all of our guests to come see "his baby!"...
I can tell you are a great mom. Your son is so blessed to have you as his mom. I hope you can enjoy the rest of the pregnancy. I know you'll do the best thing for everyone. It's that "mommy guilt" that gets to all of us at one time or another that can be very difficult to put aside.
I wish you and your family the best. May God be with you all!
P.S. I am a 36 y/o wife & mom of three great boys... just turned 4 and 6yrs old... and 6 month old. I call myself a reforming control freak.... it's a work in progress. They're beautiful and entertaining and I learn something new from each of them everyday.

Hi, I was nervous about the same thing and we ended up staying in the hospital a full week! and my 22 month old was FINE. my sister stayed at my house the whole time with him and he acted as if he did not even know we were gone! at that age, they only live in the "NOW". don't worry... try to enjoy your newborn and give her the full attention she deserves and allow and trust someone you know to take good care of your son.

The best used phrase I have heard over and over again in parenting is, "If the parents are nervous, give them a valium, and the children will be fine." Children follow OUR example. If you are calm and relaxed about a situation, they will be, too. My daughter was almost 2 when my son was born. I was so nervous about her going to my parents for the birth, she had never been away from me overnight, but she ended up having a blast. And the next day when she came to visit she's was so excited about seeing her new little brother. All the prep work we had done, bringing her to the checkups, the ultrasound, talking about her brother all the time, had paid off.
And really, unless you're in a natural birthing room, the hospital is not going to let you bring a pack n' play. And even if they did, would you REALLY want the added stress of watching your older child while trying to bond with your newest and making sure everything is okay with him/her? You need to stop panicking, because even if he doesn't understand what's going on, he'll understand that you think is something wrong. Relax, you and your family are gonna be fine. :D

I had my second child when my first was 22 months. His Nana (my mother) was visiting at the time, and although she didn't see us often, my son did have several days with her before the baby came, so he was familiar with her if not used to having her put him to bed. I agree with your first respondant that it's important that your son be left with someone he knows well or (if that's not possible at this point) someone he's at least seen a few times recently.

The main thing I wanted to respond to was your assumption that your son is too young to understand what's going on. I want to encourage you to try to explain it. I also assumed my son was too young, and I never made any attempt to tell him about the baby before the baby arrived. Part of my reasoning was that he wasn't even talking yet (he was a late talker and didn't really use words consistently until 2 1/2) and also that a friend told me she thought she'd only confused her (very verbal) daughter, who was 18 months when she had her second baby. She suspected that her daughter thought the word for tummy was "baby." So my son did not have any idea what was coming, and when he first saw his dad holding the new baby in the hospital, he shook his head and ran away. He then ignored the baby for a while when we got home, but he suddenly had trouble going to sleep at night (he'd always been a good sleeper), and we suspected it was because the last time he innocently went to sleep, he woke up to find his parents gone and then went to the hospital to find this new little person in his dad's arms (we left for the hospital in the middle of the night, so we unintentionally snuck out on him). Now I'm soon to deliver my third baby, and my second son is 22 months old. I've been explaining to him (and, of course, my now 3-1/2-year-old) about the baby for months. Much to my surprise, it's clear that he really understands there is a baby in my tummy. Of course, he can't completely understand what it will be like to have a new baby in the house, but I think he'll be much better prepared than his brother was. My second son is incredibly verbal, so this time we are able to have somewhat of a conversation with him and gage his understanding. It's making me realize that my older son would probably have been able to understand the same things if we had made an effort. So, although it's a little late in the game, maybe you could find a simple book showing a baby in a mommy's tummy (we used a book with our sons to explain the first time) and then occasionally ask your son whether he'd like to feel the baby kick. My younger son loves to put his hand on my tummy, although he's so impatient that I don't think he's ever actually felt the baby kick. I point to my tummy and say "Is there a baby in there?" and "Are you going to help mommy with the baby when it arrives?" Once he told me he wanted it to come out so he could see it (and started using his arm in a sawing motion to try to cut it out). We also point out other babies and pictures of babies to make sure we avoid the baby-tummy confusion (and it's clear we have). We also show him pictures of him and his brother when they were babies and tell him that one time he was in mommy's tummy.

So, I know that none of this can truly prepare him for how his life is going to change, but I think it's a start, and it gives me hope that the transition will be easier this time.

As for your idea of a pack and play in the hospital, do what you have to, but consider that the hardest part for your son is probably going to be adjusting to his new rival, not being away from you (not that being away from you might not be difficult). It seems likely that he'll be upset in the hospital, too, and then you'll have to deal with a difficult toddler as well as a new baby. I think you'd be better off giving yourself and your new baby a little space to breathe before coming home to the challenges of two children (because, wonderful as they are, they will be challenging).

Good luck!

When my daughter was about your sons age I had to take a 3 day overnight trip. It was me that was more distraught than her. She was fine in the loving care of daddy/gramma.

He will be ok-I could guarantee you that it won't even faze him. It willbe about adjustment when the baby comes home.

I wish you all the best! But I don't think a pack and play in the hospital is necessary. That's my advise.

Good Morning C.,
I had my second son when my first was 18 months. I shared the same feelings as you and would often cry about having to bring my second child into the world for the meer fact that I didn't want to leave my first. But, I knew I had to let go and say that "he was going to be alright". And, you know what he was, and the days that I was away from him were time to bond with the new little one. My husband also stayed home with him for the second night because all I wanted to do was sleep until the rush of people came to visit. The time goes by so quick and children are so resilant that he won't even know you ever left when he gets so sxcited to see you . Good luck . :)

Hi C., I was in your position 2 months ago, except my son is 3. I only spent one night away from him when he was an infant. First I was in to much pain from labor that I didn't give a lot of thought that night, secondly I was lucky to have my daughter at 8:30 , so I insisted my husband go home and they stayed in the bed together that night. I did leave the hospital a day early because my son was devastated when he left and I didn't . That was the hardest part. The nurses were so comforting though , they said he was talking and laughing a few minutes after he left the room. We also had a special present waiting for him at the hospital from his new sister and "big brother" t-shirt. It all worked out in the end and it will be fine but I understand where you are coming from.

Hi C. - I am in a similar situation. My son will be 23 months old when our new baby is born. Like you, I am planning to spend 4 days in the hospital.

I have a different perspective. I feel that the 4 days in the hospital will be the only time that my husband and I can completely focus on our newest little one. Once we return home, our focus will be divided. So my suggestion is to savor the time alone with your new daughter.

I would not bring your son in a pack-in-play in the hospital. You need the time to heal from childbirth and you should take advantage of every opportunity to rest. Once you return home, you will be very very busy and exhausted from trying to balance the needs of two very Y. children.

I also think your son will benefit from having someone other than yourself care for him.

Good luck and congratulations on your new little one!
T. Y
SAHM to almost 4 (9yrs, 7yrs, 21 months and 31 weeks pregnant with baby #4)

C.- I definitely would not recommend you bringing a pack-n-play to the hospital. You need as much sleep as you can get and you should not be stressed while you are there, you should be focusing on the new baby. I do recommend that you have Dad start doing bedtime routine, not every night but often so your 21 month old gets used to it WAY before the new baby comes.

I've had 4 children that were between 18 and 24 months apart. Don't even make a big deal about it. He will adjust just fine. If you show him that you are nervous...then he "will" be too. The important thing is that you make him feel important with the new baby. Tell him that "HE" HAS A NEW BABY BROTHER OR SISTER". He is the big brother!!! When people come over, tell them that your son has a new brother or sister in front of him. If he hears that this is "your" new baby...he might feel some jealousy.
Good Luck!
S.

I'm pretty sure the hospital won't allow you to keep him there. My sister had a baby last week and they asked her to remove her 6 year old son.

My son was 26 months old when his brother was born and, like your son, had never been away from me at bed time. He was mad at me when he came to the hospital (both for being gone AND for having a baby, lol). But he was fine within a few minutes. He seemed to understand that this was an exception to the every day routine.

Maybe you could find a book about big brothers to read to him a couple of times before you go to the hospital? It might help him understand. I found that the more I tried to prepare him (even though he didn't seem to "get" it), the more smoothly things went.

His routine will change a bit when the new baby comes home anyway. He adjusted amazing well, as you son probably will too. It's totally normal for you to worry, but try not to. Everything will work out fine.

Best of luck with your new baby!!

C.

I was the same way, and my youngest are 11 months and 1 day apart. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to do. I had a natural birth and was able to leave the hospital the next day. I gave birth to him on Monday morning and the doctors said "Okay you can plan on heading home on Wednesday" I said actually I am planning on heading home tomorrow. He agreed but insisted I stay the full 24 hours so the baby could receive all the shots. I don't know first off if you are having a natural birth or a c-section? If you do have natural you can request to go home early. It usually is not a big deal. A c-section is differnt.
I would have to caution you to a pack n'play in the hosptial. I dont' think most hospitals would allow it. Plus the amount of germs in a hosptial for a toddler on the floor wouldn't be grea. I won't lie it was a very difficult time for me, but my older son is really no worse for it. I had him get used to being with my mom, who stayed with him most of the time so my husband could be with me and the new baby and he really did fine. I also left a t-shirt of mine that I had not washed so he could cuddle with at night instead of his blankie. Seemed to soothe him when he wanted me in the night. At this age they use all their senses and can recognize parents by scents.

It is not going to be easy but it is going to be okay. I am sending that baby off to pre-school today!

Dear C.,

my son was exactly 2 years, 2 months and 2 days old when his little sister was born. She was born in Vienna, and here it is possible to be discharged from the hospital within hours after giving birth, if all is well. So, Luz was born at 2:20 h am and we were home at 7:00 h am the same day. By that time he had had breakfast with his caregivers (our friends and neighbours), and then was picked up by Dad to return home. So this was really easy for him. Maybe this is not a possibility for you.

In any case, we used the sesame street video "Three bears and a new baby" to prepare our son for what would be happening. He watched it so many times, still sometimes does, and i think it helped him handle the changes. We also got books about having a new sibling, which he read compulsively. He also loved watching himself on baby pictures, so he was sure that all that had happened for him before she was born: breastfeeding, co-sleeping etc.

If i have to do something that my children will suffer from i tell myself that i need to respect them and their ability to cope and grow. I think we tend to overestimate their intellectual abilities (giving far too many explanations) and underestimate their emotional abilities (if we love and trust them, they know -- though we should show and tell them a lot). They will learn to cope with this and trust in you. They will learn about love and life, and about their own strength, even better if you believe in their ability to do so. You did too.

All the best and have a bearable birth experience! My second was much easier...

D.

HI C.,

I had my second child in Feb of this year, and my first child was 19 months old at the time. Everything happened so quickly, and we had a friend come stay with him the first night, and Daddy stayed home with him the next 2. My husband and son came early to visit me in the hospital, he was a bit confused, but everything turned out fine. I had concerns too, but knew he was in good hands, so I could focus on the birth and early care for our second child. It could be more disruptive for his schedule and for your recovery to have him there in the hospital with you; since so much goes on, with nurses in and out of your room, and you bonding with the new baby. I'm sure you will make the best decision for you and your family. Best Wishes.

Hi C.,

My son was 23 months old in April, when his sister was born. I was as nervous as you are now.

My parents came home a little before my due date. They took over the routines (bed time, especially) and made thousands of fun things with him while I was at the hospital (zoo, children's museum...), so he didn't really missed me. Then, they came to visit me once a day with him and he cold tell me all the fun things he did.

He didn't seem to care much about me being absent or his new baby sister. But, we had explained him over and over again that he was about to have a baby sister and mommy would be at the hospital. He didn't talk much at that time (he also had a speech delay) and I couldn't tell how much he did or did not understand.

During his visits, he was happy to see me of course, but he didn't enjoy it that much. An hospital isn't a fun place for a toddler: they can't run, they can't make noise, mommy cannot lift them/play with them...

And, as many other posts mentionned, it will not be you at the hospital but you plus the new baby. You will need those 4 days to recover from the birth and to bond with your new baby. For the baby, it will be the rare (or even the only) days that she will spend only with you. All the rest of her life she will have to share you with her big brother.

For him, better being home with his toys, a secure environment... than being in a hospital room learning the hard way that now, Mommy has a new baby to take care of.

It's hard of course to let him home for 4 days and nights for the first time. But, if you prepapre him gently and show confidence about it, he will also feel quiet and confident. Just be sure to give him plenty of attention when you go back home, so that he doesn't feel excluded from the new family you're forming.

I can understand your concern, but with all due respect, LEAVE THE PACK & PLAY AT HOME! You'd be doing him more harm than good. That poor little guy would get no sleep in your hospital room---do you remember how many times they come into check on you, take vitals, etc? Plus you need what ever little time that you have in there to rest and get to focus on the new little one because once you get home, the juggling act begins!

I went through the exact same thing. My daughter was attached to me like glue before my second daughter was born but when I got home from c-section #2, I couldnt lift her for 6 weeks so my husband really had to earn his "daddyhood" at that point as if he hadnt already. It was tough at the beginning (naptime/bedtime mostly), especially when she called for me and i couldnt lift her but she got used to it. We would explain how mommy had a boo-boo on her belly and we had to wait for it to get better before she could lift anyone.

The most important thing I found was to spend some alone time with JUST her (snuggling, reading, coloring or puzzles)so she didnt think that baby #2 was stealing me away. It worked like a charm. She loves her little sister and never has any resentment towards her or me. Try to get your husband involved early with your oldest so he can get used to counting on him and take some of the stress off of you.

Best wishes and good luck!

My stepdaughter spent 5 weeks on hospital bed rest before having her 2nd child, and the first child was 18 months old. He came to visit and they just kept telling him that Mommy was staying with the doctors so he could be a big brother. By the end of the 5th week he was getting sick of it, but they played games and read books while mom sat in the bed. Your child will do okay if you and your husband tell him that he will be. The hospital will not allow a pack-and-play nor will they allow your son to stay over, so don't even consider it. It will be more disruptive to him, it will be a strange place with lots of strange noises during the night. He needs the security of his own bed. You absolutely must rest and bond with the new baby. This is a GREAT time for your child to realize that he can be cared for by his dad - it actually INCREASES his sense of security and is comforting to know that he has more than one person who loves him so much and is dependable. You can do this! Good luck!

My 1st 2 kids are 10.5 months apart and I was very worried about my daughters routine for going to bed when I had my son. I was still rocking her every night, ect.. it was great to see how well she responded to others putting her to bed and how it was more my habit then hers...i missed her and I was only in for 2 days.,.but it was nice to have the space and time to bond with the new baby that is not possible having the older baby around.
best of luck.

Hi C.,
I had very similar feelings when I had my daughter 2 1/2 years ago. It's amazing how much son and Dad bonded during that time. Kids are very resilient. We explained as best that we could to a 2 year 3 month old boy that Mommy was having a baby, and that he could come visit. I had purchased a present for my son to give his little sister when she was born and a present for my daughter to give her big brother, as well as a t-shirt with "I'm the big brother". There was quite a bit of jealousy for a time after we got home, but they have grown to be quite good friends and really adore each other. I didn't think him being at the hospital was actually an option. Best of luck to all of you!
T.

Hi C.,
I have a 26 month old and am due in December, so I was very interested to read your responses. You were given great advice, that I too, will follow. One suggestion I can make is to find a picture of your 21 month old and decorate it to say that he is the best big brother and put it in the baby's bassinet in the hospital. This might make meeting his sister a little more familiar and make him feel very special. Good luck!

HI C.,

I can't say that I have the same experience as others, but because I'm a teacher I'd like to emphasize what others have said- do NOT underestimate the intelligence of a child. I assure you that with three weeks to go, you can communicate enough times to your son that he will feel more confident when you to leave.

My last piece of advice is to start practicing having other people (dad, whomever is sitting for him while you're away.....) read and put him to bed. When you do arrive home, it won't be the same since you will need to recover and attend to a more needy newborn. You would hate to have him resent his sister for taking mom away, but if he's already accustomed to not always having mommy put him to bed, he'll be more understanding and welcoming.

Hope I helped. I'll be in your shoes soon. Good luck and best wishes.

AD

I think it shows what a good mother you are that you are so worried about this...
The best advice people have given me about motherhood is that you have to take care of yourself first so that you can take care of your children. The reason you are in the hospital after you give birth is because you need to heal, and you can't do that if you have a toddler there. My son was 16 monhs when I gave birth to my second and I was so worried about how it would go with me away, and he did amazing! I know yours will too!

Oh dear, my advice is to NOT take the little boy to the hospital with you. You are going to need that four days rest tremendously after giving birth.
We had a new baby in family June 5, and it was bit rough for the three year old boy who has only ever spent one night away from his Mum.
Best thing to do is to talk it up with him. Reassure him that Daddy ( Gram, whoever ) will be with him , he will not be alone...in fact , Dad could take him to bed with him nights. Will be three nights , yes?
Have them bring him into the hospital to visit you and the new baby. Let him touch the baby, sit back in one of those wonderful big chairs and hold the baby. Let him climb up onto the hospital bed with you for a canoodle ( cuddles)
Build up the thought that he will have a sibling and no longer be alone. Explain childbirth is a lot of work and Mum needs to rest for a few days after birth.
Bazillions of mums and kids have made it through this situation and you will too and do just fine.
You cannot protect and shelter your children from everything in life...it is not fair to them that you would even try. How else, but experience, will they know how to deal with life and what it throws at you?
You can do all you and your extended family can do to make it as easy as possible for him tho.
Stop worrying and just think of things you all can do to make it as easy as you can for him.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

My second two children are 21 months apart. My 21 month old handled the birth of her sister very well. I just explained what was goign to happen... over... and over... and over again until she understood what was going on.

It's after the baby is home that you need to worry about :)

My boys are 23 months apart and I was nervous leaving my older son when I went to deliver our second baby. But I opted to have him stay with my Mom. My husband brought him to a few fun activities while I was in hospital for 6 days and he also brought him up to see me and the new baby.

He did fine. And he did grasp that I was at the hospital with the baby and we would be coming home at some point. I think it rocked his world a bit, but overall he adapted to my not putting him to bed, etc.

Best of luck with your new baby!

Dear C.,

I KNOW how nerve-wracking a second child can be! My daughter was 23 months when I had my son and she was okay! It just sort of works! Everyone does what they do and the family melds together happily! Honest!

Although, it was hard for my daughter at first...her Mommy was now someone else's Mommy and she was constantly looking for attention. What I did was include her in everything I did with the baby. When it was feeding time she sat with us, quietly, and "helped" feed her new brother. When it was nap time she "helped" tuck him in, same with bedtime. AND when the baby was down for a nap I concentrated completely on her and doted on everything she did! Trust me hun, it will be okay and before you know it you will be like me...getting ready to send your oldest off to kindergarten! I know it is easy for me to say but everything will work out and neither child will be the worst for it!

Best of luck,
S. S. (Ms. Been-There-Done-That)

If possible, who ever he is going to stay with while your in the hospital, have him stay with them a little more frequently now... That way it won't be so "new".
I had my second son when my first son was 15 months old...
We told him before hand that Mommy was going to be going away for a little while, but would be back soon and miss him terribly...I gave him a picture of him and myself together; My husband brought him to the hospital as soon as he could; My son was MAD at me when he first saw me... But then he saw his new little brother, and it clicked. He was estatic after that.
Here's an idea too, record yourself singing or "talking" to him so he can hear your voice...And of course, the phone during the day!

Hope this helps in some way.

He will have to learn to deal with you your attention being divided when your baby is born. I would suggest allowing daddy to take over the bedtime ritual. Start with you both doing it for a few nights, then let daddy do it with you right there watching. Then step out completely. That way when you are in the hospital it won't seem so strange that mommy isn't putting him to bed. I know he has been your focus for the last 21 months and you feel it will be unfair, but think about your new daughter as well. Allow her the devoted mommy time at the hospital because after she gets home, she won't have you all to herself. Your son will adapt.