Neither of Us Are Happy

You guys need some desperate time together! My husband and I have a day! We get together every thursday 9am-2pm! Our kids go to daycare and we just go be a couple! Have breakfast, go shopping, run errands! It don't matter what you do as long as it together! Take away all distractions, turn off the phones and just enjoy the stuff you did when u dated! We go do fun silly stuff like play putt-putt golf, pack a picnic and go play at a park. This will also show your kids that you two need time to keep the relationship going that you guys are important to each other! My daughter knows that when daddy is home when she wakes up she says "it mommy and daddy day!" Its really important to rekindle that love! Just remember in the end you married your best friend now you just have to find him again! Good luck and I hope this helps!

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When men are struggling finacially they often pull away from their family. A man's ego and sexuality is often tied to his ability to provide for his family and since he is now struggling he may be feeling inadequate.
You said you tried counseling and it didn't work, well try again. Counseling can be along process and you have to be able to click with your counselor. The biggest issue is getting each of you to open up. Men often can't open up because they are taught from childhood, be a man, don't show feelings, walk it off you're okay. So when they get married they can't open up all the way because they have never been able to have emotions.
If counseling is not an option try dating again. Talk it out and tell him one night a week it's just you and me babe. No sports, no kids, no work, no housework. Remind him of the great romantic things he did years ago and how much you enjoyed that. Tell him you want to go for a walk and hold hands, or go to a movie and neck and hold hands and snuggle. Go dancing and dance the slow dances real close. I know it's a few months off but you might luck out at a thrift shop-- pick up some kids valentines and leave them where he will find them, addressed to him and signed by you. Yes it's silly but it might help spark the memories of why you two got married in the first place.
Have each of you make a list of what attracted you in the first place to each other, share the list.
I would also recommend that you make the best of the situation you are in. Find a way to meet people and make friends. If you are lonely and looking to him to fulfill your need for friends it may be just too much for him. As women we need girlfriends, most men don't want to go shopping and don't care how cute that pair of shoes is. We need girlfriends for that, also girlfriends listen and help.

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I am very sorry that you are going through this. You said that you are from different religions so church is not an option, but what would happen if you went to church even if you had to go alone? Maybe you could find other people that could fulfill something else in your life. What are you passionate about? Find something that gives you a bit of joy in your life. Let me know if you need to talk!

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L., I'm not too experienced in this case but I will tell you this, you're kids are old enough to understand something is wrong. It's really hard to sort of hear your story, it's very similiar to my parents'. They got pregnant young had alot of ups and downs through out the years, and yes I knew it. It was never talked about it but I remember every memory as early as 9 years old. It really effects my relationships now. After 23 years of marriage and going through their 'ups and downs' my dad became very depressed. He lost a really good job that he absoluetly loved due to a knee surgery. From there he constantly hopped from job to job still missing a void. He found a job that he semi liked but it consited of him traveling alot. (Not sure if that's what he liked about it??) My mom put a stop to that quick. They got to the point that they didn't talk to each other much, they just went about their day and routines. At this point my brother and I were moved out and going about with our own lives. My dad ended up having to have more knee surgery and his job wouldn't cover it so my mom got a part time job and she became the bread winner for almost 3 months!! During that time my dad slipped into an even deeper depression. My mom eventually never talked nor worked on the marriage much after that and decided to leave him. A year later, they were divorced. A month after the divorce was finalized, my dad committed suicide. What's a little different though, is my mom was the one who gave up. She didn't kiss or hug my dad. He offered to do dates so when she left he couldn't understand what happened. It was very difficult to see both of them go through this. Then you wonder, as kids, did they only stay together for us? My only suggestions, are please keep trying until you get a few years down the road and realize you've tried everything and nothing still hasn't changed. Talk to him, tell him what you feel and if he can't at least start talking to you or try some other counseling, then you'll have to leave. It's not healthy for anyone. But just don't give up so easliy, in the case that he is just battling something in his head. Men don't talk about nor exspress the way us women do. If you don't like the counselor you're working with, try a different one. Don't give up unless you both come to that agreement. Honestly, if you both don't like where you live or anything else about it, is it really worth staying there? Life is too short, make sure you're happy before you make sure you're rich. It's just not worth it. I hope whatever you decide to try, I pray for you and your family that everything will work out how it's intended. If it means seperating, then stand strong and make sure your kids do as well. Maybe even try a family counselor, to see what your kids really do know and understand. Stay strong L.!

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Hi L.
I can relate to what you are going through. My husband and I have gone through some ups and downs. Seems our romance had gone aside with the kids and my husband would love more time in the bedroom too :) We have been married 14 years as well. Every couple is different but I found Dr Laura's book Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband to be very informative and helpful. You could check that out and see if it is an avenue of help for you. http://www.drlaura.com/main/
Hang in there - I believe all marriages go through tough times and if you can survive them you are stronger in the end.
God Bless,
L.

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I know what it is to be lonely. There were years when my marriage wasn't great. I am not sure you will like my advice, but I will share what worked for me.

I do have a faith and it is not the same faith as my husband. In my faith it is our job to help one another to get to heaven, so I set off on the task of getting us to heaven. I prayed always for him and I went about the task of loving him with all I have to get us both to heaven. It wasn't easy. When He would be rude or mean I would instantly pray for him and I quit responding to his mean behavior. I stopped returning meanness with meanness. It wasn't easy, but it worked. I kissed him and hugged him even when it wasn't comfortable. When ever it was possible my answer to him was "Yes."

We have been together for 15 years. We have six children. Two of our little ones passed away in 2006. I fell in love with him all over again as he held me through our tears. I have never been so proud of him as I was the day he carried our daughter's little casket. When our son passed away, he once again was there for me. I enjoy anything I can do to show him my love for him. We still don't share the same faith but he has a great respect for mine.

We don't have money. We have never taken a cruise. Our only vacations are camping trips or day trips with the kids. My husband used to get angry because he couldn't have all the bells and whistles like all the other guys, now he realizes that all the bells in the world won't bring happiness. People are more important than things. We both feel rich because we have one another and we have our beautiful children. Money and things can be snatched away tomorrow, but our relationship will survive forever.

I know you said you are not a fan of counseling, but I can't help but recommend it for you and he does not need to agree or to join you. From your description, your husband has SO already checked out of the marriage. No kissing or hugging?!? Two hours early to "get a good table"?? "working" all the time?? - come on, who is he fooling. He's giving it to someone else, girl! You really need to prepare yourself to take charge of your own life. Get a counselor or at least an honest friend to talk to. You're not like your mother, you're letting him walk all over YOU!

Don't throw in the towel just yet - you sound like you truly still love him - just somewhere in the middle and kids you forgot about each other. What about taking that cruise - but just the two of you. Have you tried to join him at the sports bar to have a drink (even if it's pepsi) and watch the game. I am certainly not trying to imply that I think you need to do all the work here -you don't! and maybe you have tried these things. I would suggest counseling cause it really sounds like he could use some to get through his stressors of moving and his job. Does he feel like he is letting all of you down by moving? That is a question you may not be able to get out of him but a professional could? Good luck to you!! Find a local support system locally - you may not be religious but alot of times that is a great place to start looking for a support system - there maybe a group of wives/mom's that meet and discuss. Marriages are worth saving - if there is still love between the two.

My husband and I only have been married for 3.5 years and have two children 3 and 2. The last two years were really hard for us. We were always fighting and it came down to money every time. Even if it wasnt about money it really was because I resented him for not working together on our budget, and he admitted that I would nag him so much about money they he intitally would blow my plan and buy something crazy. We took a Dave Ramsey Financial Makeoever course and the last 6 months have been great. It is a 16 week course but worth every dime and minute.

First of all the first couple weeks are about relationships and difference in men and women, why we act the way we do. Then it goes into working together at as a team and developing a plan. My husband has been promoted to a job he doesnt like either, but he sees our financial plan now and doesnt mind. The class has helped us communicate and it forced us to have a date night. I was about ready to get up and leave him with the kids, but he is a new man and we are so happy now. It was more then a money makeover, it is life changing.

Just thought I would throw that option out there: http://www.daveramsey.com/

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. From just reading your post, I think your marriage can definately be saved and you should do everything in your power to try. I don't know where you live but you should see if there are any Marriage Encounter weekends offered in your area. http://www.wwme.org/. It's Catholic based I don't believe you have to be of any certain faith to attend. You may both just need a weekend away. Hopefully you have someone that can care for your children so you can take some time to reconnect and find the spark that you started your marraige with. This ME weekend will give you the tools to do that. Good luck!!

All marriages are different so I'm not sure if any of this will help. I love how you said everything in here. I wonder how he would respond if he read this. Your very honest and it sounds like you don't want to give up. I fear that you both hate where you are and that a simple relocation may make you both happier. I realize he makes good money but, I believe family is more important. Is there anyway to speak openly with your husband about this? I've found when my marriage gets a little rocky and off-path just bringing it up and confessing the- I don't know what this is or how to fix it- really helps. It will put you on an even playing field with your hubby and will likely bring you together. Remember you are a team leading this family and decisions should be made that way. Good luck trying to sort it out!

I'm sorry you are going through this. One way I deal with struggles in relationships is to see it from the other person's point of view.
It sounds like he works- A LOT. If he is working full-time and then having to do some work at home, too, he must be very tired at the end of the day. I know when I have had a full day at home with my son, I am ready to put him to bed and have some "me" time! I'm sure you can relate to that too. He likely feels the same way, but with added guilt for wanting time to himself instead of spending it with the kids that he is missing out on because he has to be working so much. And knowing his wife is wanting something from him when he gets home, too. He probably feels guilty for making everyone move and wishes he could move back, too. He has a lot on his shoulders and has taken on a huge responsibility- being the one to work, work, and keep working to support his family and make sure everyone has what they need.
I think you should move back for now. Give your husband some space and don't expect anything from him for a while. Get the kids into their old schools, find a part-time job while the kids are at school to get out and make some new friends and be around people so that you aren't so lonely. Then when he comes back, probably after missing you and the kids, you can have a fresh start. Write down all of the things you loved about your husband when you first met him. Forget about all of the issues in the past- what's done is done. If you want this marriage to get better, you have to let those things go.
My ex boyfriend was a terrible boyfriend. You would not believe what I went through in that relationship. He cheated on me a few times I found out [probably more that I didn't know about], lied to me who knows how many times even about small things, went to the bar for "darts" but was picking up women, etc. But we are BEST friends now. It took over a year to get to this point but what I did was just let go of all of the anger and resentment over time, and took him how he was. I stopped trying to change him. I stopped trying to get something out of him. I realized he is a terrible boyfriend and not worth the trouble in that respect, but he could be a good friend. And I gave him another chance and we started all over again as friends. Going through what we went through together- well, it has made our bond that much stronger because if we can get through that, we can get through anything.
For you, starting over would mean being sympathetic to your husband- he is having a hard time too. It would mean not counting on him for everything and accepting that he may not be all that you wanted him to be. If you are lonely, get out and do something with your friends and let him know you miss him. If he is heading out to watch the game, let him go. Tell him maybe sometime you could host a game and make a good homemade salsa and guacamole. If you are truly sympathetic and understanding to him and his struggles, he will know that you will always be there to support him and it will be much easier to get through the hard times. And he will likely feel safe enough to reciprocate. Then one day when he comes home, have a candle-lit dinner waiting for him while the kids are at a sitter. Again, don't expect anything not even a "thank you". Just keep making an effort. It's hard when you are both pretty much burnt out. And you might be thinking "well why should I do this, when he doesn't even do_______" But to save the marriage and get things back to good it will require a whole new attitude and some effort from both of you- and someone has to be the one to step forward and start making the first moves. Anyway I could go on but I need to get to work! The moral of the story is "treat others as you wish to be treated"

check out the book "the five love languages"- i forget who wrote it, but it may give you insight into both yourself and your husband, and that may help you talk through this if you want.

L., I hope things get better for you and your husband. I really don't have a magic answer for you, I just wanted to tell you that I read your post and I think you are very very strong to be hanging in there with him. I think he's got a serious drinking problem though, and I think you agree otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it. It sounds like he is using his love of baseball-watching as an excuse to drink. The fact that he doesn't show you any affection is also scary. You are exactly correct to expect love and affection from your partner. I think he's got some big issues that he is not facing. Whatever you do, be honest with yourself and your children and it may be scary but you just have to follow your instincts and do what you think is right for your kids.

Okay, bear with me L......

Ericka I. , you dare to tell a woman who pours her heart out that her post was "too long" to read but gave advice anyway? That takes nerve. And bad manners.

L., your story breaks my heart. Can you go to counseling? This is not something that reading a book or watching a video will help. Your marriage is in dire straits and you need to ask him if he thinks you are worth fighting for. Tell him that you want to fight for him but you feel so alone and hurt.

Please, please go to counseling, even if it's by yourself.

Your story is NOT too long! You have been holding this in too long! Don't let some insensitive internet poster keep you from sharing your heart with someone you can trust! I know that I don't have alot of advice for you, I just want what you are going through is important and valid. I will be praying for you and I mean that honestly!

There is a lot that I relate to in this post. We too recently relocated to a new state for my job and through this we went through a lot of changes. He has not found employment, and we have a 1 year old that was an infant when we moved. My job is not going well, blame it on the economy, new boss, new position or whatever, I am always working late, dealing with stress, etc. I don't love the area, I really miss our "old lives", and my entire family(kids and parents) are struggling to find friends. It is taking its toll on me. I am so wrapped up in it that the last thing I am thinking of when I lay my head on the pillow is my husband's "needs".

It has been extremely difficult for him to go through this. I feel really bad that I feel this way. He has brought it up several times and I have tried to explain to him that it really is not him but it is me. It does get awkward to "re-ignite" the passion when it has gone dormant for so long- I totally understand the awkwardness part. The ironic part is we have gone through this before as well- but it was him that turned it off not me in the past.

Do you have a sitter that you can leave your kids with? Can you start dating each other again? Do you e-mail/text during the day? The cutesy stuff that we do when we are in love- and often gets lost in the chaos! It is ok to ease back into things, but make sure you make a commitment to one another to do it. We do give up a lot when we get married and have kids. It is hard. I just think of how easy it was to keep a clean house- now I can barely walk through the house without dodging toys. I remember when we could just pick up and go out to the movies and not have to worry about a sitter. And before him I had my budget, not our budget.

Don't forget who the man you fell in love with is/was. Don't forget to make him feel strong and tough. Make time for one another- even if you have to take the kids along. Go to bed together and find a way to touch each other- cuddling or back scratching.

I wish you the best as you go through this!

I know this is about a lot more than just sports, but this is something that helped my husband and I. Since sports was a PASSION of his, after many years of fighting over it, I decided that I needed to take an interest in it -- since it wasn't going away. Sports time has become, to some degree, family time -- especially Sunday afternoon Football games or when the Twins are playing on a channel we get. It's one of the only times the kids can eat food in the family room -- so they think that's special. We have made going to a Twins game every season somewhat of a family tradition. For the last four years we have been in two fantasy football leagues together -- not opposing each other -- but working together on one team -- he doesn't have time to research so I do it and we have fun talking with friends who are also in the leagues. It's quite entertaining and helps us socialize as well. We have actually gone on a couple dates to the local softball field in the summer. Sounds CRAZY -- but I am learning to enjoy it and it makes my husband happy that I care about something he loves-- I can talk his lingo -- it has brought us closer by far, no more fights (about sports anyways! lol). His desire to HAVE to watch every game has also decreased. Our communication has improved quite a bit. Throughout the past few years we've also taken some marriage classes, read a few marriage books -- Love and Respect is a great book. The Five Love Languages is a good one too as is The Politically Incorrect Wife. I hope you are able to work this out. Your marriage is worth fighting for. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

In the book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, the author describes a format for writing a letter to your husband/boyfriend when you are having such strong feelings of hurt and rejection. I recommend it. It enables you to cover the bases without a direct confrontation (which most men avoid like the plague), and the format provides you a structure to say how you're hurt, how it's affecting you, and what you would like him to DO to help make things better. You get a chance to say what you need to say and present it to him in a way that should provide some needed room for "digestion" of it.

One more note: it sounds very likely that your husband could be dealing with depression. Whether this is acute (brought on by current and recent past job frustrations) or chronic (something that has marked his personality for years), it is something that benefits from treatment - AND, there are many ways to treat it. Check out the book, The Chemistry of Joy.

Finally, for you: you deserve love and affection. Find that happy-feeling place inside from when you have felt love and affection with your partner. Expect to weather this storm and feel that way again with/from him. See yourselves happy and balanced. See yourself loved and cherished.

And, if too much time for you passes without any improvement in the above areas - you'll need to look at what you'll need to do to make yourself whole and happy, yourself.

L.,

First of all, realize that you are not alone. There are a lot of women in the world who have experienced something similar. No one said marriage is easy. As a matter of fact, MARRIAGE IS WORK! I'm glad to see you are willing to work.

It sounds like your husband is depressed, and instead of looking to another woman to bolster that (Thank GOD!), he is hiding in work and trying to find some thing that he enjoys (sports). Professional help for the depression may be necessary. (I'm not a professional.)

However, I think something that both of you would benefit from is dating - each other - again! I've been married for almost 16 years and we recently started setting aside time for us. It's not easy and you have to work at it, too, but it is worth it!

Wishing you the best.

I don't think I have much advice because in many ways I feel the same way. My husband and I have been getting more and more distant and there is no romance in our marriage either. We have sex maybe 3 times a year now and I dread those times. I am just not interested. My husband feels more like a roommate. I have a lot of friends that feel this way. I wonder if it is just common in marriage and it just bothers some of us more. How many older couples have you heard about that have seperate beds? Maybe we are supposed to turn into friends and not lovers anymore. I feel like all the advice I have heard about going on a date with your husband, scheduling sex, ect, is just forcing you to do something and make it more unromantic. Sorry I know this doesn't help but believe me you are not alone.

ok, to tell you the truth, i couldnt read your whole post; too long

but the thing i can tell you - we love mark gungor. his advice and information about marriage and things dealing with men and women... he goes into the differences between men and women, and he talks about things that are VERY important. look him up online, find some of the clips on youtube (mens brains womens brains extended is a GREAT one)
and buy his DVD! its fantastic, and it could CHANGE YOUR LIFE>

good luck.

wow after reading your story-i was flooded with my own memories..i guess if i were in your shoes-i would move back home-get the kids resituated in school and find a pt job or some volunteer work..take care of you and yourself-nothing is worse than a loveless relationship-i see you blaming yourself for all this...it takes 2..once your hubby sees you just taking care of you an the kids-he might come around-sports should never come before your family plain an simple.and honestly if theres no real communication-theres really no hope.i know its rough on you-but the kids get the full impact of this...ask your hubby if he wants a divorce-then you know where you really stand in his life instead of guessing all the time...good luck-if you wish to chat more feel free to email...good luck...

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Is there any chance that your husband could be suffering from depression. Many men who are depressed fail to ask for help, and often display many of the behaviors that you mentioned (working long hours, lack of physical contact, drinking, gambling, staring for hours at the tv, being very self centered in regards to activities and complaining about giving things up for other people). I had been married to my husband for over 10 years when I found out that he suffered from depression. In fact, he had withdrawn so much from me that I thought that he might be having and affair. After seeking help, he is on medications and our marriage is much, much better. I would suggest that you gently mention to your husband that you are worried about him and that you'd like to seek help for both of you with a counselor, and make sure that you mention that you think he might be depressed to the counselor. Good luck.

L., my heart breaks for you. And when I read how many responded to your story because they are in the same or similar situation, it tore me up even more. I would agree with the overall message I get from your responses that this is a big deal and does need help and is worth fighting for, working for, or whatever it takes. I believe from what I read in your post that you have been deeply in love with this man. So I believe you can be again. But at this point it looks like you will need some help to get there (and it can be immeasurably better than it ever was after you weather stuff like this). I totally hear you about the counseling. It can be useless and then you feel like you've just failed in one more thing. But the thing is, it can also totally change your life. It just depends on whether you get the counselor you really need or not.
Like you, I am not religious. I have been in the past, but found that religion could only help so far. But the fact that we are spiritual beings is something you just can't get away from. The pain I hear you describing and the disappointing behaviors (of your husband) you are dealing with are symptoms of a root problem that is a spiritual thing. And you don't have to be religious to deal with it at the root and find amazing resolution to the things that you are feeling as a result. I don't know if I am making sense, but I just want you to know that there is help and to have some direction in looking for it. While religion is not the answer, you will find that the counselor who can help you will recognize that you are created in the image of God and need to find your answer within that framework. Just let them know that you are not interested in religion, but may be open to God if He can actually repair this relationship. Send me a message if you would like help finding someone. I would be glad to look into it.

It's possible that this is just a low point in your marriage, but it won't work itself out on it's own. You have to do something. My guess is he's feeling a burden on his shoulders that's weighing him down. You have to have a heart to heart talk with him and be prepared for it to blow up - he sounds a bit defensive. I do think that it's normal for a relationship to get into a slump like this, but also believe you can come out of it better and stronger. I'd just come right out and ask him if it's something he wants to work on. He may not even think there's anything wrong. So you have to let him know how you feel - no blaming, no "you do this and don't do that", just "here's how I feel when this happens". But do that in small doses. Let him think about it. Would it be helpful for you to get a part time job, if nothing else, to help get you out of the house and meeting people? When you aren't happy you have a negative energy about you -and right now it sounds like you both have that. You both need to get that energy back to positive.
Plan some couple time alone without kids if you can. Talk things over in public and they are less likely to get real ugly.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, a lot of that is just him falling into the comfortable, lazy grove, but I would worry about him pulling away from you. I would give counseling another try, it's not going to hurt anything, and it's better than giving up. don't go back home with the kids, it will become too comfortable and before you know it you will be divorced. would he be willing to go to church with you even though he has a different religion?