Neighborhood Terrors

I hear you!!! We have neighbors who are terrible too! They have two boys. One of whom stole my cell phone, my ten year olds scooter, and some of my four year olds nerf guns! His older brother has been trouble in the past, but now brought back the things he knew belonged to us. I have never had a conversation with the parents as they do not come out of their home or even say hello to anyone in the neighborhood. Not great influences themselves. But these boys have played at my house several times and I have no problem letting them know when they have crossed the line! I have sent the younger boy home after he bit my son while playing football and told him that was not acceptable here and maybe he could come back another time when he was ready to play nice. I knew he took my phone as I saw him do it, but instead of accusing him I let him know how important it was to me and I needed his help finding it. When he did not help me, I did not say a word until the next time he tried to come over and I told him I knew he was a good kid and if he could be honest with me I would forgive him, but that I was really still upset that my phone was gone. He never admitted it, but his brother brought it back 2 weeks later with pictures on it the kid had taken of himself! I can't control what they do, but I make an example of the right things to do for our kids. Keep close observation of things and do what you can to control the situation, but the parents are probably never going to change. The kids will see though that they can't get away with things with you around. Good luck!

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I have a six-year-old, although I am at 47 older than most moms of a child that age. But is it really illegal to ride a bike in a cul-de-sac without a helmet?? Is it the job of our police force to resolve issues of teasing between elementary school age kids? What do you "charge" children this age with in the court system?? Another reason your husband might not be as concerned as you are, is that he (or his friends) rode bikes without helmets (which was commonly done up until very recently), full speed, and occasionally caused some damage in someone's flower beds??

I have lived next to situations like this that escalated into mutual restraining orders, expensive court appearances, and even fist fights between neighbors (the "adults" not the children). Yes, elementary school-age bullies are a problem, but please take a step back and keep this in perspective.

We teach our children by how we approach situations. How can we change the conversations to be about solutions? What boundaries can be set? What can we teach our children about standing up for ourselves and setting limits?

People tease other people because they enjoy watching them get upset. The more upset the "victim" gets, the more fun it is to tease him or her. So rather than encourage children to report bullying and then punish bullies, parents need to teach children not to be victims.

Please take a look at: http://www.educationworld.com/a_issues/chat/chat185.shtml

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Hi S., just thought i would let you know your not alone on this one! I just use the kids as an example what not to do! My daughter still wants to play with our kids because lack of options in the neighborhood! So i want out and put her in a taekwondo class to protect herself around them! Our kids do get pyhiscal with her, the one hit her in the head with a metal trash can lid. Plus she's learning a little about respect! I hope this helps a little! Good luck!

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My only thought is Kill them with Kindness. The nicer you are the more they will listen to your complaints... Bring them some brownies or dinner or something.. alot. Spend your time thinking of nice things that you would want someone to do for you instead of hating what you have.

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Wow!
This is where it is hard to "love your neighbor as yourself". Followers of Jesus are commanded to do so...and also to "love your enemies". And sometimes they happen to be the same.
As for what you tell your child, just say that you love him and can't allow him to put himself in danger of say, running down the street. He's old enough to understand danger.
Yes these moms are living in denial and they have serious problems, about which you can do nothing--except pray, if you are so inclined. You'll be in my prayers too.
A.

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Hi S.. I don't really have too much advice on this I just wanted to let you know that I feel horrible that you and your son have to through this. We have a 20 month old son and have heard REALLY HORRIBLE language from the neighbor kids as well as their overall action, like screaming and swearing at their moms...etc. That is not the reason for us moving, I am pregnant again and the house isn't big enough for all of us. THANK GOD! You have to have a sit down with your husband cause honestly I don't think they are going to change. Going to the police might help some, but it might make your situation worse. It is funny how "they" will stand together cause they are going to think you over-react. (TRUST ME-- BEEN THERE) So you will remain the outsider. Sit down with him, explain the situation and the effects on your son. He isn't there and can't see it, so you have to paint the picture and do it properly. Best of luck to you and I hope this will be resolved.

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It seems like these mothers have other interests other than their children or their behaviors. I for one, live in a neighborhood that has no children, therefor, I have to look for other opportunities to find interactions for my child. I guess, one thing to do, would be to take that approach.... you have NO children in your neighborhood for your child to play with, so you have to find other places to bring him to have safe/beneficial interaction with other children. These children/mothers won't change... you have to. You know you will do the best thing for your child, so instead of focussing on them, focus on you and your child... cuz you are better than them. Let them not care. I hope this helps.

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Can you start videotaping it? I would video for a week or so and them mail them the tape, making sure they have to sign for it! If you can get them pulling up your flowers, etc. on tape, you can call the police for that. It is destruction of property!

If they are riding their bikes down the middle of the street, call the police, maybe if the police get involved, they may believe that their kids aren't angels.

Do they go to the same school? Does it go on at school? If so, get the school involved, too.

We went thru the same thing (and still do to a certain extent) with the neighbor girl across the street. She is 20 now and still hasn't 'grown up'!

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I am dealing with the EXACT same situation. The mother would constantly call to complain about stuff my son supposedly did and I would talk to him about it. I would bring up stuff about her kids and she would say she thinks they need to work it out on their own. When we finally got mad that she does nothing about her own kids behavior and constantly buts in about everybody else's, she accused me of being overprotective and said she doesn't feel our kids should play together. I honestly think she's just insensitive and a control freak and feel like I don't want my son playing with people like that anyway. But I do feel bad for my son feeling left out and not understanding why. I too feel like maybe we should move and feel terribly about the situation. I don't have any answers since I'm dealing with it myself. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Let me know if you get any good advice and e-mail me if you need to vent! :)
Good luck.

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Everytime these kids step out of line call the police. Contact social services and tell them about the kids riding bikes without helmets etc.
I have neighbors that were constantly disrupting the neighborhood. I called the police everytime and although it took 3 years for things to really settle down they finally did. Social services got involved and they had a social worker stopping by on a regular basis. Don't give up call the police and keep calling that is what they are there for. Don't feel guilty you have the right to live in your home in peace and quiet.

My advice is borrow a camcorder and tape the little monsters in action!!!! The mother's of these brats won't have any choice but to accept that their children are behaving badly in public and treating your son so cruelly when faced with live proof. Other than that, do you have any friends that older boys? Have them drop the older boy off and have him "babysit" your son when he plays outside and when the other boys think about terrorizing him hopefully they will be put off by the older boy being around. I hate that this is happening to your family, it's ver unfair for your child not to be able to play outside and completely unresponsible of the other parents to turn a blind eye to their children. Anyway, good luck with this, and keep your chin up!

I say you video tape the behavior and send them the DVD! As parents we sometimes can be in denial that it is our child causing the problem.

Good luck!

Since mom's are not listening-call law enforcement and talk to them. Sometimes they will work with you to help the problem get better. Bullying will not stop if nothing is ever done.Has your husband ever spoken to the parents of these boys? Mine had to do that with some bus bullying once and it stopped right away. Something about guys and that deep voice I guess!

call the police-over an over again-file a formal complaint with the city you live in-then bring them to consiliation court-these kids are mini bullies-terroists-looking for the attention their parents should be giving them.get restraining orders-make the moms wake up and take responsibility.they dont hear you-but they will hear the law-do you have other neighbors??get everyone involved-tearing up your yard-is destruction of private property-tearing up trees is against the law.get a video cam.if you need help-give me a shout.

We had a very similiar situation and the parents would not hear of their child being horrible.
You can buy video cameras very cheap now. We bought one exterior mini cam and put it in a tree on the front of our house. You bring it in and download the material.
One in the back by the pool and one cheap cam in the window.
Hard to refute when you actually see your children do horrible things. Eventually we started calling the police.
Make play dates for your son is the best advice I can give.

S. - personally, it depends on how far you want to take this issue. You've talked to the moms and they are not responding to you. When these 2 boys are doing damage to your property, you have other options, plus they are harassing your son. What about the other neighbors, are they experiencing any of these issues? If they are destroying your property and harassing your son, I imagine that they are doing this to other neighbors as well. Band together.

As far as the property damage and harassment, I would pull out the video camera and "catch them in the act." You then might want to talk to school officials about the harassment and other officials about the property damage. You do have options. The video will come in handy to show your husband as well as others what is occurring in your neighborhood. Maybe even share it with the moms to give them a first hand look.

Does your son have other friends? Can you invite other boys over to play with him so he's not alone. Schedule play dates for him both at your home and at other boys' homes.

wishing you the best!

Good morning, S.! Sounds like you have a lot of trouble there. You don't say how old the boys or their mothers are, so I'm guessing 8 or 9 years old, which would make their mothers fairly young yet. Hmmm... My first suggestion would be to stay outside with your son while he's playing and attempt to make friends with the boys. That would ease the tension you feel toward them, and you wouldn't feel so anxious when you see them. It could be as simple as offering a 'hello' when you see them or having some lemonade or cookies on hand to offer them while they're riding their bikes. Since you're the adult here, it's up to you to set a good example for your son. Making an attempt to relieve the stressful environment by reaching out positively is showing your son that it's okay to let bygones be bygones and start anew. The other boys would benefit by this too, by having an adult outside to oversee playtime (calling their mothers or 911 in case of emergency). Since you believe the other mothers have no time to tend to their boys' unruly behavior, take a stand for your own son's safety.

If the boys do not have any interest in maintaining a respectful relationship, you may have to resort to more serious measures. Have you tried calling the police to report the vandalism in your yard? I know it's not the most pleasant of experiences, but drastic times call for drastic measures, as the old adage goes. Remember, the police are there TO PROTECT AND TO SERVE. When they arrive and you have expressed your unhappiness with your ruined garden and tree, you can then address the lack of supervision and safety issues that you feel is a problem with this family. I've had similar problems in the past, and these kinds of situations are not easily and speedily resolved. It requires a mature, nonjudgmental adult to monitor the neighborhood and assess behavior and act accordingly. Nobody wants to move out of their houses, I'm sure. And kids grow so fast, why should you move just because of these issues? The problems will have been forgotten in a year or two. It's just not worth the hassle or expense.

Set a good example and extend a hand of good neighborliness. You don't have to get together for afternoon tea on a weekly basis, or even go over for an evening of cards. Your main priority here is for you and your family to be able to safely enjoy your yard and the neighborhood with peace of mind. As a sidenote, you may consider getting a video camera (or a cell phone with the video feature) to record evidence of bad behavior, expecially if the boys start engaging in criminal activity, i.e., striking you or your son, breaking windows on your house, or damaging your car! That is compelling evidence and will probably open their mothers' eyes to what their kids are really up to. Good luck with the situation. Keep us updated, please! Have a nice week. I truly hope things get better.

S.,

Been there done that. We had neighbors just like that. They had two boys that were older and would throw snowballs at our windows, hollar obsenities, pee in their backyard where everyone could see, be out at midnight playing in the street ,Jump on our trampoline when we were not home. We put up a privacy fence around our yard, and that helped some but then we started calling the cops when ever they did something like teasing, throwing stuff. The cops went over to their house each time we called and finally the neighbors got so sick and tired of having the cops over they moved. Have your video camera handy so you can record some of these things. That really helps the police. Good luck

That sounds TERRIBLE, S.! I'm so sorry. To be honest, I don't know what I would do, other than finding other friends for him to play with (not neighborhood kids). Obviously these moms have no clue. I feel so sorry for your boy. I hope he stands up for himself. It's too bad that things are so bad, you feel like you have to MOVE!! I'm sorry I don't have much advise, but I'll keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck!

S.,

I have had this very problem -- granted, I was able to finally move to get away from it, but in the timeframe it took me to get things in order, I watched two little girls taunt and tease smaller children, destroy property, and break other minor laws.

I contacted my local police department over and over about it, and I found out something very interesting. When you contact the police and they are involved in situations like this, there is a point when they have to notify Family Services.

The parents were (after 4 times of me calling and reporting, and the police responding) approached by DFS and charged with neglect of their children. That woke them up and the girls settled down.

Even if you can't get other neighborhood moms/dads involved to help, the police have a procedure they have to follow. DFS is never a fun organization to deal with if you're on their "bad" list. The parents will wake up and realize what they're doing wrong with a case worker shows up at their door.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

K.

S.-
I am so sorry that you are having such a horrible time in your neighborhood. You would think that these other moms would have a clue. I think your best option is to videotape these naughty kids, and then show it to the other moms. They may think that there kids are fine, but when there is proof, they tend to back down and do something. I know this sounds drastic, but sometimes this is what it takes. You could also call the police and let them now of the incidents. If these kids are throwing things at your child when he is in his own yard, then this is harassment and they can be fined. They may even patrol the neighborhood a little more often, which is never a bad thing. I would also keep a log of all the daily events that happen. Make sure you write the kids name, date and time of the event as well as what happened. This way if something does go down with the police you will have it all documented. Good luck with everything.
M.

Hi S. -- I was victimized by neighborhood terrors when I was about 10, and I know their mother knew what was going on, but she didn't respond -- acted as if no one was there but her! (OMG! I just realized that was 55 years ago!)

Does your son want to stay inside to stay safe or is that your idea? It seems to me that bullies choose the weakest kids to pick on, and staying indoors would probably look weak to them.

Are there other mothers in the neighborhood who are also concerned? If so, try to assemble them so you can brainstorm together. What if a committee of you (maybe even including a husband or two) called on the parents in the evening with a list of your concerns. How do they behave at school? Would talking to the principal or guidance counselor be useful? If they ever do anything truly injurious I'd seriously consider calling the police - but the scary thing about that is that it won't make your son popular with these kids. But it might get the parents' attention. There might be some sort of community action person in the police department who could give you some advice.

Well, I'm just brainstorming here, myself. Good luck! L.

DO NOT WISH TO MOVE!!! After talking to those mothers and not getting any results , I would have a talk with my son and let him know what's right and what's wrong (acceptable/unacceptable) assure him that as long as he's doing the "right" thing then he's fine. I personally would be outside every time those children were out and making sure that they understand where I'm coming from and MY house rules, and to either respect my rules AND my child or stay away/off my property. If the other mothers question you, tell them the exact expectations/rules/respect of your home. If you have to threaten to call the police then "do".

I would first talk to the moms. If you haven't done that already. Next I would call the police to make a report. If they pulled up your flowers that is property damage. If they come on your property tell them it private property. I had a similiar problem. I called the police and they went & talked to the parents. If they did not keep their children off your property the police would issue a citation to the parents. Case in point that it is the parents responsibilty to keep their kids in line. This is in St Paul. Do these people rent or own? If they rent you may want to contact the landlord if parent is not responding to your request. I know this seems a little harsh however if these kids are doing these things now, what will they be doing 5 years from now shooting someone?????

Along with the others' ideas, you could voice your concerns about the lack of supervision to a number of organizations...police, Social Services, etc...depending on their age. You can ask a police officer to be in plain clothes and drive by once in a while or come to visit you and observe from your home. Videotape the boys vandalizing your (and others'?) property and ask the parents for compensation to repair/replace it. Suggest having the kids that pulled the flowers buy AND plant new ones for you. If the parents are not receptive to this, keep videotaping and take them to small claims court for reparations. (I'll look for you on Judge Judy! LOL)

But seriously, I wish you the best of luck in this and make sure your child knows he's not being punished to not have him play with them, that he's better than that.

Just a thought. Obviously, you have nothing to lose with these neighbors. The fact that they are pulling up flowers and damaging trees is vandalism. I'd consult local law enforcement. A bit extreme, but,again, it seems you have little to lose.

Good luck...
Tim

S., I second the recommendation to get a camcorder, and tape these brats in action.

Are the families renting? If so, I would tell their landlord what is going on. If you're renting, I'd tell your landlord, too.

I would also ban together and talk to other neighbors. Other people have to be sick of these kids, too. Oh, and a phone call to Social Services would not be the worst idea, either.

If you see them being destructive to your property again, videotape it or take a photo and CALL THE COPS.

I feel your pain. We had HORRIBLE neighbors in our building, and they finally got the boot earlier this month. It is a completely different neighborhood those bozos bone.

Thankfully, we haven't ever had to deal with anything like that. But, it does sound pretty extreme, perhaps bordering on neglect--if not outright neglect. Maybe, if I were in the situation, I'd try talking to the Mom/s one more time. If the children continue to be a danger to themselves (riding in the middle of the street) and others property (your tree and flowers) you can call DHS to report the lack of supervision. (I know that sounds drastic, but may be necessary.) Also, tell your child that no matter what they say or do, you love him and want to keep him safe. Also, let him know that you want him be a person with good character and that is why you won't allow him to do the things that they are doing.

It may seem a bit extreme, but I would ban other moms in the neighborhood together, get maybe a list of all the things that have been damaged, flowers, trees etc. Then take turns and video tape these boys. Turn the video into the police.
Like I stated, it may seem a bit extreme, but would you do any different if these were teenaged boys (or girls)? Why wait until they are older to try and fix it. If you are going to be in the neighborhood, it will only get worse.
Another thing the police may want to know is that the mothers aren't watching them...to some extent it is negligence on their part. I know all moms don't watch there children every second they are outside, but if this is what their kids are doing and they know it...maybe they need a scare from someone other than the "crabby neighbors" so to speak. If the situation is SO bad that the other kids don't want to play outside, something extreme needs to be done. It is so unfair that you need to keep your child inside because of them.
Make them see that they are the ones in the wrong, otherwise they will keep allowing the children to "terrorize" the neighbors...that is no way to live.

File a vandalism report with the police, and/or get a video camera and send a copy of the kids in action along with a lawyer friend to write you a letter demanding restitution for the damage caused by these kids. You won't ever see the trouble-maker kids outside again!

Hi S.-
I have a similar problem - but times two! Not only are there 5 & 6 yr old terrors that keep getting my 4-yr-old in trouble when he follows them but we have a family of teenage boys that terrorize my small town too. The younger kids know I am a tough mom and will ground my son if necessary. Just this weekend he had to stay in the house all day on Sunday due to going across town, by themselves, with two 5-yr-olds on Saturday. I tell them swearing is not allowed except by grownups at my house and when I have caught these same two boys stealing from a house being built next door I told them they had better take the stuff to their own house because it was stealing and I did not want it in my yard. I would just talk to the kids yourself. Don't "stick up" for your kid just say you don't respect what they are doing and you don't want it around. The teenage problem I have extends to shooting my dog with a BB gun, paintballing my garage, trying to scare me late one night by trying to get into my house, etc. The only problem with calling the cops, which I have done at least 6 times on these boys, is that the parents get mad and try to get even. The police have suggested taking pictures or filming their actions. And I do have pictures. Just waiting.....
J.