Neighbor Mom (& a GREAT Friend) Who Had a Nervous Breakdown

Karen,
There has been mental illness in my extended family as well as my 22 year old son has bipolar illness. To me mental illness is the same as physical illness, you're just sick. Do for her and her family as you would anybody else going through an illness. If they or she wants to talk about it; listen. Don't ask nosey questions you wouldn't want to be asked yourself. Just treat her and her husband and kids like you would want yourself and your loved ones to be treated. There really should not be such a stigma attached to mental illness. It is not a sign of weakness or us suddenly being inhabited by aliens from outer space or the devil. Those who are mentally ill or who have had a "nervous breakdown" or whatever it is chosen to be called are simply humans usually with some sort of chemical imbalance. I say usually, there can be other reasons I am sure I am not a doctor, but I do know a person certainly would never wake up in the morning and plan to be mentally sick.

Show the family you care as I am certain you do. Especially show your friend how much you love and support her in her time of need. This is the time she really needs your love and support. She probably feels very alone and scared right now.

It is wonderful to have such a caring friend as you.

J.

offer to watch the 5yo so he can spend more time with her, offer to do basic household chores since his mind's probably not on that part of day to day living, offer a shoulder to vent on, cry, scream, rage, whatever his particular emotions are at that time, maybe fix some meals for them to heat up at home or invite them over to eat with yall so he'd have some other adults to interact with to help him stay balanced.

You are a wonderful friend and have gotten some great advice. I'm going out on a limb here and as a person you has been in your neighbors position myself, i figured i'd share my 2 cents. First off the term nervous breakdown is terrible, whatever you don't use it with her, i had PPD and was admitted for 2 days, in which i caught up on much needed rest and finally got through to hubby and family that i needed some help with the houe and the kids and just life. the thing that bothers me most even now 7 years later is the fact hat ppl still bring it up and act like i'm going to lose it if i have a bad day. so your neighbor needs a break life can be tough and it can build up if you don't have the support or the skills to deal, it happens, so let it go. don't act like she's a different person, if you used to let your child play over there don't stop, and don't jump to conclusions if she's having a bad day. look at it this way how much do you like it when you're in a bad mood for no particular reason and hubby accusses you of having pms? your neighbor can have a bad day even on meds and it doesn't mean she isnt' taking them (if she should be) or that she is going to breakdown again. i knwo this stuff seems so obvious but there is such a stigma and it's hard for both sides. other than that, hang out, offer to babysit so she can sower, try to plan a mom's day and maybe go out without the kids every so often, and just be a good friend, follow her lead, i needed help but wouldn't ask for it from my friends, but i was happy to take it when they volunteered but at times there were things i just wanted to do myself because i needed to do them and having ppl underfoot made me feel like i was crazy. best of luck to you and your friend.

Hi Karen:

Just see what kind of help her husband can use dealing with every day things like picking up kids, getting them to/from activities.

Above all, be there to takl to, and listen to your friend, even if she doesn't talk much. This will allow her husband some "down time." She may need to be near someone, even if she can't discuss what she is feeling. Sometimes just being around, and hearing someone going about normal activities keeps you "out of your own head."
Don't over-react to anything she may say--unless you hear some issues repeated frequently. You can and should discuss concerns she raises repeatedly with her husband. This is NOT disloyalty--but genuine and necessary concern for her wellbeing.

You might also help by going out with your friend and her son together. This can be good for both of them, as you provide a buffer if she gets overwhelmed, and can manage her child's needs if she cannot.

It's great that you are concerned for her. Effects of a breakdown--whether from anxiety, depression, or other issues are a HUGE stress on the whole family. I've lost a family member after a breakdown, and have been through one of my own.

Recovery's a constant work in progress, but it is survivable.

God Bless!!

RK

My neighbor/best friend just got out of the hospital two weeks ago with a stress induced breakdown. Hers was mostly from the troubles with her soon to be xhusband and work. I had no idea how to handle it, but I'm hoping I did alright. While she was in the hospital I offered (asking her husband) a couple of times for her daughter to come to our house for dinner or to play or whatever. My biggest reason for doing this was to keep her daughter busy but to also give husband a break. Another thing I did was ordered pizza to their house one night and I paid for it. I can't cook so that was the only thing I could do. When my neighbor got home, I just continued to check in to see if I could take her daughter and if there was any errands she wanted me to do that she didn't want to ask her husband. I ran some errands, cleaned house, and did laundry for them. Once she felt a little better, she thanked me so much for doing the little stuff. She said that everyone kept offering to take her daughter away from the house or to keep her soon to xhusband out of the house...but she said what she wanted the most was to be with her daughter, but she knew she couldn't keep up with her. She said she started getting stressed about a messy house and then I showed up to clean. She couldn't believe that I took the stress right off. She is returning to work this week and will need some more help, so I will be available. I think just checking in and seeing what they need is the biggest thing!

When I worked in a preschool, I had a student with a similar situation. Give Dad opportunities to deal with the situation, by taking his child off his hands for a bit and/or listening to what he needs to say. Offer to clean the house up, make some dinners. A few months ago Parenting magazine published an article regarding advice to help fellow parents in need out; if you can get ahold of that the content may help you - and say it better than I can.

Also, if Dad is interested in addressing the issue to his child but is not sure how to go about it, the American Psychological Association publishes a book called "Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry" that might help - the Cincy Public Library has it.

Karen, I had a friend that was hospitalized due to bi-polar disorder. It was completely unexpected when it happened. I think people tend to feel embarrassed, as if they've done something wrong to cause things like this, which isn't true, at all.
I would treat the family as you would if the Mom was in the hospital, sick with a physical illness. You could help with the children, dinners, cleaning, etc...Let the husband know that you're there for support and that you aren't judging. He may need someone to talk to. Maybe your husband could take him out to dinner or something.
Since she is your friend, let her know that you're there for her. Don't pretend like it didn't happen. Let her know that if she wants to talk, you'll listen and if she doesn't feel like discussing it right away, support her. My friend did not discuss what happened for quite a while.
I hope that everything works out with you and your friend's family. Take care!

I had one of my best friends with this breakdown when her daughter was 3 . She has had to grow up fast and be the mom to her siblings. Her mother passed away a year after she graduated from college. She has many family issues. She has just divorced her 2nd husband and is with another person and has a child with him. She has her daughter from her first marriage. She was at my house the day things took a big toll. That evening she was in the physch ward . My one sister considered adopting her young daughter. Your friend may be overwhelmed by the age differences and not overstepping her boundaries. Sometimes medicine and counseling helps. Just being there to care for the kids. Be open to talking. Let the husband ask for help. Offer to cook a meal or run an erran . Just be a good listener.

We also have a friend whose Highschool daughter that spent a week in the psych ward a few months ago. She has tried to take her life with medicine and recently with her car. Same thing don't bring the informatiion up. Just be there for support.

Hi Karen,

There are lots of great things that you can do. You can invite the son over to play and give dad some time to collect himself. You can help the son make get well cards for mom which will help mom and son alike. You can make meals to freeze and eat. You can offer to run errands like groceries and such. You can go over and help with household chores like laundry and vacuuming - the stuff you know she would be doing that dad usually doesn't. The men in the community can help with yard work or stuff dad would normally do. You and the neighbors can even get on a rotation where you take turns.

It will be embarrassing for her when she gets out so the show of support from her friends will help her to feel more at ease and loved.

Hi, Karen --

I'm sorry for all of you affected by this event. I'm sure it's really rocked everyone's world who cares about this wonderful woman.

When I was in my early 20s, I went through a very difficult time. I made some decisions that were a matter of psychological survival for myself, but I did so without confiding in anyone but my Mom and Grandmother. As a result, several of my "friends" took my actions as serious affront -- that I hadn't told them my plans or confided in them. It was such a shock to me - at a time when I was already going through more than I could bear -- that some of the people I'd considered my close friends took my response to my own difficulty as a slam against them, and they really punished me for it.

So, my advice to you is just this -- remember that this is about your friend and her family, and this difficult time may mean that in order for you to be the best friend you can be, you are going to be doing a lot of giving - or at least not doing a lot of expecting anything from her. I can tell from your post that you're a caring person, and I expect that you're already inclined to give your friend whatever space and care and peace you can. That's what she will need. I would try to be as calm and encouraging to her husband and family as possible, to be a listening ear and maybe especially an extra set of hands to help with things that still need to go on in life that your friend is not present to do. If your neighborhood can come together as a support system, just giving and trying not to intrude too much in the "dirty laundry," you could literally save their lives.

Sometimes, people are so predisposed to trying to make everyone happy that they sacrifice themselves in the process. It sounds to me as if your friend may have done this, since you've said she's a wonderful person and friend. She may just need some space to sort out whatever pressures have been going on in her head.

I'd say to just reassure her that you love her for the person that she is, not for anything she does or provides. She may need to know that everyone's love for her isn't based on anything but simply the wonderful person she is. The only friend of mine who stuck with me through my difficult time said to me, "I don't know that the decision you made was the right one for you, but I am here for you and I support you in whatever you feel you need to do for yourself." He and I are still close friends, as we have been for nearly 20 years. His compassion and my faith that he cared about my inner well-being was the thing that allowed me to feel loved and supported. I know you can do the same, giving generously of yourself and your concern, for your friend.

I wish you the best,
H.

Karen: Are they open to naturopathics? I have a brilliant idea for her. There are actually a few things that would help her - first and foremost, the Miracle II products that normalize the pH and get rid of cancer, diabetes and help endocrine function, etc. She needs 90 plus nutrients in the body on daily basis to enable proper enhancements to all systems. I'm an expert on naturopathics and know that certain things must be in alignment to heal itself. I'm not a believer in medicines or the like, but i do know how to help her. She has to get proper absorption also, that's essential. taking one a day, plus iron is like taking a capsule that's made of solid gold or something because of the lack of absorption that she'll receive.I have recently come across a product that is moving in the US like lightening because it's so effective. It's a juice and provides you with all essential nutrients - it's very powerful! If you want more information, feel free to contact me. I will be prayer for this issue.

God bless,

M. G.