Ok.. so here's the prob.. i have a neighbor, sweetest lady would give u the shirt off her back, helpful but she's a user/abuser of people & their help, or so i have come to find out. She wasn't working since October to just about 3 weeks ago. Now we started to combine dinners b/c i like to cook & i'm not good at just cooking for me and my 3 kids under 5 (hubby is gone on road all week) so i cook for my neighbor and her two kids as well. Problem is I haven't seen any of the money and/or 'contributions' to the food like we agreed on how to split it. I mean $50 worth of meat doesnt compare to the 4 cans of grn beans we may take from her for a meal! So that's the first thing, 2nd thing she got this job , and i told her i would b ok w/ babysitting her 4 yr old for 2-3 weeks till she got daycare in place. Well she hasn't!! & i come to find out she's been getting vouchers all along just never called another daycare provider (cuz her old one she owes money too) and she hasn't called the county to change the vouchers into another daycares name!! i'm fed up i've given her a 2 week notice on how i dont want to babysit her son when spring break is here (my son is on it this week) and she still didnt figure out what to do w/ her kid! Her ex wont' take their son b/c "he didnt have enough notice" the grdma is in the hosp. But shes out in Ravenna 2day w/ her b/f b/c she took the day off so i could not watch her kid 2day.. great now what about the rest of the week??? & i'm not that kind of person i dont want to leave n e one hanging I feel like what goes around comes around.. but seriously.. i told her if i have to babysit she'd have to fork over some $ for her kid in case i get together w/ other moms since we're on break & if we go to a play place or the zoo..ect.. her response.. ' well how would i come up w/ that' y should that be my job.. not only does my husband pay for the food we're feediing them @ dinner but also i feed her kid for lunch w/ no $ coming my way!!! idk what to do.. idk how much more u can hint/tell someone u dont want to whatch their kid n e more.. plus it's screwing up my sched as well.. for 3 wks i've been to the gym 3 x's when i should have been there 15.. cuz i went everyday expect when hubby was home (weekends) but i can't go b/c her kid isn't mine & i can't put him into the daycare.. please help.. idk what more i can do.. then a screw u and have a bad relationship from now one..
"No". End of story. And, if you continue to be a door-mat, you will continue to be taken advantage of.
I agree with what the others have said. You already HAVE a bad relationship with this woman due to the way she's treating you and your family. I don't think telling her off is going to make it any worse!
You've tried to help her, but she didn't use the opportunity you gave her--she just used you and your family. Stop holding her hand. It's not helping her. She has to learn to walk on her own at some point!
If she would give you the shirt off her back, then why can't she give you the money for her half of the food? If she really cannot afford food, then she should apply for food stamps (or whatever it is now) and buy her half of the groceries that way. She didn't starve to death before you came along, did she?
You can't control her, but you CAN control your response to her. What it really comes down to is that you need to do what you say you will do. That means set a date (even if it's tomorrow), make it clear what will be the last day that you can watch her son, and then STICK TO WHAT YOU SAID. Make no exceptions. Do not be available the next day (or the next day, or the next week, etc.) if she hasn't gotten her act together and found someone else in time. Make plans with other moms and leave early so that you're not home when she gets there, or plan to meet a friend at the gym every morning if you have to, but stick to your word! Don't let her turn you into a liar!
Your children are watching--do you want them to learn that it's okay to let people treat them this way? It's one thing to be charitable and help those less fortunate; it's quite another to allow someone to think it's perfectly fine to walk all over you. You need to stand up for what is right--and what she is doing to you is NOT RIGHT.
If you really feel you cannot tell her this yourself, perhaps your husband can talk to her about it, or a stronger-willed friend can tell her off for you. But if you want things to change, you are going to have to do something to change it--because she obviously isn't going to!
I don't see were you have told her "NO MORE" in fact you say "i told her if i have to babysit......." . You have held up your end of the bargain but she hasn't so just let her know that you both had a deal & it's just getting to expensive for your family.
If you don't help her out she may make your life miserable. If you continue to be a door mat for her you'll be miserable.
Therefore, you basically have to "pick your poison."
If it were me I would set firm boundaries with her and refuse to entertain any guilt trips or pity traps. If she gets difficult so be it. You are not responsible for her problems or her life. I would be civil but firm.
Good luck.
Well, your neighbor doesn't sound "sweet" to me. She does sound like a selfish, cheap, disorganized, insensitive jerk. I feel bad for her children.
Pick a date and tell her the childcare and dinner sharing is not working out so on that date you will be "done." With spring and summer coming, you need to get back to your regular schedule. Pick a date a stick to it.
This chick's life sounds like a train wreck and if she never speaks to you again, it's not the worst thing that could happen
.
She'll find someone else to con--these kids of people always do!
I vote for the 'screw you'. That said, I tend to let myself get taken advantage of and it is so much easier to figure out what someone else should do than to do it for yourself, right?
I like the ideas of putting your foot down, setting the date, and then leaving the house. It might suck to get up and out of the house so early for a few weeks, but just don't even be there. If you have hard time telling her face to face, slip a note under her door. Or make hubby go talk to her. Then the day of your deadline, put a note on your door that says today is the deadline, and don't be home. Make her be a big girl and figure it out. It is so hard to say no, especially when faced with a child, but you can't let her take advantage of you anymore. If it wasn't an issue for you and you were happy to do it, fine, but that isn't the case anymore. At dinnertime, shut the drapes, lock the door, and don't answer it. Have dinner at a friend's house a couple of nights in a row, or go out for a treat (gotta be cheaper than feeding a whole extra family, right?)
I don't think you have a relationship worth saving. She uses you and will keep doing it til you stop it. She knows how to work you, and unfortunately she has taken advantage of your kindness. Just don't be there any more for her, literally. Good luck, and yeah, I'd like to know how it goes too.
Okay, you are officially being walked on. I'm sorry that you got put into this situation, but you need to let her know that she has 3 days to figure something out, because on day 4, you will not be available. You have done more than enough for this woman, don't inconvenience yourself more!
Tell her enough is enough, and whether she realizes it or not, you are being disrespected by her. Good luck, let us know how it goes!!
Do not let this woman make her problems into your problems. You have done enough for her and have gone WAY beyond what I would have done for her. It's sad for her kids, but there's nothing you can do to fix it for them. It's more than likely she will find someone else to take advantage of just as soon as you move on. Stick with your cut off date. She's got the vouchers for day care. She is just going to have to get a move on and arrange some other day care situation. And if she shows up at your door, either don't answer or say sorry you are too busy right now and close the door in her face. Go to the gym and just not be available for her to swoop down on you like she is some kind of vulture. You can't make everyone happy so please yourself and lose this person as soon as you can. So what if she doesn't like you. She's not too worried about what people think about her.
explain to your neightbor that you just can not watch her kid(s) anymore. You have to let her know that you have put your schedule on hold and you can not longer do that. Tell her to check with the local church in your area and find day care. She can get herself on welfare and get daycare paid for. Just tell her you have been a friend and know she has to understand that.
M. ,
She isn't your friend if she's taking advantage , the IF is doubtful.
Set those limits and /or ask her when she's gonna do the cooking/ babysitting for you( don't ya need a night out with hubby when he's home on the weekends? ) She needs to get her act together for the sake of her child, (not to mention your sanity), what is her issue with doing the responsible and considerate thing ? No question about whether you want to watch the child or not, just tell her you can't, this was/is a temporary situation and the time has come for you to get back to your personal obligations (she doesn't need to know the obligations are to yourself.) Anymore info than that isn't any of her business.
Just keep telling yourself ,I teach people how I want to be treated," and if you keep tolerating this behavior from her , she'll keep doing it, and you'll keep suffering for it. She has the means to make the situation right, force her hand. Sorry you tried to do the right and good thing and got yourself in this situation, but, you have the power to fix it for yourself.
Best of luck ,I've been there a time or two myself) C. S.
It doesnt sound like she'd give u the shirt off her back. Unless its the one she borrowed from you lol. Shes completely taking advantage of you, and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. You have to be firm and blunt. Give her a deadline with babysitting, 1 week 2 weeks etc. Is she even paying you? And for the meals, I would simply say that it really isnt helping your budget so you are going to stick with feeding your family, (freeze the leftovers) Honestly if you don't remain "friends" is that such a bad thing? She sounds like a mooch! Of course try to keep it cordial, you are neighbors. But otherwise it's one thing to be nice and helpful, its another to be turned into someones doormat!
You don't want to be mean, that is completly understandable but why should you let her walk all over you? You need to remember your family comes first and she is taking time away from your "alone" time and family time. I have been in a similar situation and think it'a about time you pull the Husband card. You see when I am caught in a rut and don't want to do something I always say " My husband and I discussed the situation and after much consideration we both agree it is for the best interest of my own children if I have some down time" Or anything else. If she get's upset, that's her loss, not yours! Your the one being the good push over friend (no offense) , maybe you can hit 2 birds with the one stone and then meals will come to a hault also. If you seriously cave I would say something to the effect: " I will watch your child this last week and that is it. I expect $75 (or whatever you want) for the week and an additional $20 for activitys. I expect the payment before the week starts no exceptions.
I wish you luck!
