May 05, 2007,
J.C. asks from Clearwater, FL on May 03, 2007
99% of the time, my husband is my best friend and my biggest supporter. But lately he's been very needy. Very demanding and short fused. We haven't had s-e-x on a consistant basis because our toddler has been sleeping in our bed lately and plus at the end of the night, I'm simply exhausted and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. The last time I went through this with my first husband, we ended up getting a divorce and I would die if that happened again. How do I change our routine, up my stamina/desire enough to calm this man down???
So What Happened?™
wow...thank you to all my little mama's for responding--so much good advice--I will for sure take it all in and use what I can. Baby girl is going to have to start sleeping in her own space, that's for sure. And I'm going to check that book out (five love languages) I read the reviews on amazon.com and people raved about it. I have to start prioritizing romance (which to be honest...I'll have to "fake it until I make it") because sleep is good, but so is my husband's happiness. I had to laugh (inside laughter) the other night because we were both so excited to see each other, it took five minutes from our busy schedule. Hey-if it's like that-I can spare five minutes every night <wink> Thanks ladies for awesome advice and for being a shoulder to whine on.
E.T. answers from Tallahassee on May 04, 2007
Get the toddler out of your bed! That will be the first big help. Next you two start talking more. Ask him what is it that he needs. Start making sure you and your husband take care of eachother's needs.
V.Y. answers from Pensacola on May 04, 2007
PLEASE help me on this issue too!! I have never been divorced but I have been separated and almost divorce, but when it comes to the sex department, we just really don't have one and it is not because of him, it is me. I am just always tired at the end of the day it is not funny. Between working 2 jobs, going to school part time, and then 3 kids!! I am tired and I wuold like to see our sex life get better or I am afraid that it will end up witht he big D. Thanks
A.B. answers from Tampa on May 04, 2007
I have 4 kids and in my 2nd (and last) marriage. My husband and I have a VERY active sex life. One thing I have learned, you and your husband were a couple first- not parents. So you need to act like a couple- go out on dates, kiss, call each other for nothing, you know. Can you remember that life with your best friend? Having your baby/toddler sleep with you with not put a stop to sex- you just have to be creative. Is the living room or kitchen ok after the kids are asleep? If you have to be in the bedroom, try to move the SLEEPING baby to her bed. Or you two can go to her bed. haha. As far as being too tired.......you have to put your relationship on top priority. I know how tiring you can be after a long day, but if you are kissing more, and talking more, you will be looking forward to having sex more. Some husbands that have a great or even good sex life with their partner for awhile then it stops (because of a baby, job, weight gain, or whatever) may feel like it is them. As if you don't love them anymore and may get needy, or depressed. They may even stop 'asking' for sex becasue they are tired of being rejected. I hope this helps!!!!
C.K. answers from Pensacola on May 04, 2007
Sounds like your husband is cranky because hes sex starved. Get the baby out of the bed. In the meantime, plan (yes I said plan) sex. Even if you have to pencil it in. You dont want him going elsewhere. Men are sexual creatures and when their needs arent met, they act dumb. lol. Sounds like if you dont your marriage is heading for trouble. Him acting the way he is means you better move in quick. As for energy, pop a niacin vitamin. As well as taking a daily vitamin.
On another note- what you need help with is getting the baby to sleep in her own bed.
A.A. answers from Tampa on May 03, 2007
I am sorry to hear about your situation Jennifer. I was wondering if you knew your husband's love language? -Physcial touch, gifts, words of loves, acts of service, quality time? Even though you are working hard; maybe he just needs his tank filled a little. Yes, many of us moms are tired after caring for our family, but I am sure that once you start to be intimate, you enjoy yourself. My family does the family bed and my husband and I just have our time in different parts of the home. Who said the bed is the only place for love-making?LOL
M.H. answers from Sarasota on May 03, 2007
It will be interesting to hear from other co-sleepers on how they keep marriage going. I personally have never had our two year old sleep with us for this very reason. I'm not saying that is the only issue here, but I've wondered how parents who sleep apart or with a child stay close. Neither my husband or I are "night" people, so our together time is weekend nap time! Mornings as well when our son decides to sleep in. This takes care of the "being too tired" issus for both of us. Desire is something else and I hope others have some good suggestions on that! I just have to realize that being close with my husband is more important than dishes and laundry! Good luck and keep communicating with him. Not talking about this and telling him you recongnize his frustration will only make things progressively worse. I wish you the best!!
B.B. answers from Jacksonville on May 03, 2007
We co-sleep with our children as well. Our first daughter slept in our bed until she was 6 mths old and then in our room until she was almost 1 1/2. Our second daughter sleeps in our bed as well she is only 4 mths old right now. I plan on having the same routine with her in our room until she is 1 1/2. My husband and I had a very active sex life when we only had our first daughter, now it is close to what you say because our second one doesn't sleep good and is constantly waking up every 30 minutes etc plus with 2 kids in daycare they are constantly sick. I would say on average I am up every other night with one of them being sick and every single night nursing our second (every 2-3hrs). With our first child I had endless energy, sleepless nights never bothered me. For us we just moved our sex life from our bedroom to somewhere else in the house i.e. living room floor with a blanket, shower etc. We still do that since our first daughter just turned 2 yrs old on Tuesday and still sleeps in a crib so we don't have to worry about her walking in on us. But with 2 kids under the age of 2 yrs old (until just this week) I am exhausted especially with work so things in that area have begun to slow down. What I would suggest is getting your time together earlier, within 30minutes after the kids are in bed, thus you can still get to bed earlier and refresh for the next day. It is tough make time for a sex life especially when you have young children but you need to find a way to work it into your schedule so you can connect as a couple. The best thing you can do for your children is work on your marriage and keep it intact. I would talk to your husband about your concerns, if he is your best friend then it should be easy. Maybe something else is going on with your husband I would talk to him.He can take on some of the work load at home so you have more energy i.e. have him do the dishes etc. I know making a date night or planning time for sex isn't romantic or what everyone dreams of but with little children it might be the only way to keep that connection. My husband knows that sex ain't happening after 11pm, so he plans further ahead. Good luck and keep in mind that a happy marriage is the best thing you can give your children.
C.G. answers from Pensacola on May 04, 2007
HI Jennifer C:
I understand completely your situation and the only thing I can tell you is communicate with your husband and both try to come up with a compromise. Having young ones causes so much friction in couples... I know because I have three and I have a wonderful supportive husband going on now 19 years.Mine are now teens and they still interfere in our intimacy time. Each of you are different, He is man and you are woman and both have different needs and each of you need to communicate openly and that is all really you can do. I feel for you and I know that this probably did'nt help you too much, but if he is all you say he is( husband) believe me he is feeling the same way you do. I've learned that men want the here and now and are not able to "shut it off" if youknow what I mean. that is really all I can say Empathy, empathy, Empathy for both of you. and know that it is not something that will be fixed right away so learn patience. Hope I helped a little. If the subject is just plain too touchy, cool off, table it, then compassionatley talk it out. sounds like you have a really nice man... just like I do and He will listen because he truly loves you and wants you and needs you as much as you need him.When My three were younger we always had one or the other interfere and we just had to be spontanious. I had to just learn to take care of my husband's needs too and he had to learn that my job wasn't easy either. I would nap during the day with my kids just so I was able to take care of my husbands needs... I still do and it has really been rewarding because he takes care of my needs and has really taught me spontinuity which is needed in a marriage of longevity. Good luck and let me know if I helped.
T.K. answers from Sarasota on May 04, 2007
Do you have a babysitter you can trust and rely on? Do you and your husband do date nights very often? It is very important to spend time on yourselves. Weekly if possible, or at least bi-weekly. You have to take care of your marriage for your children, not just yourselves. My husband didn't understand that for the first few years when our children (I had 2 babies too - my oldest was 14 months old when my youngest was born!) were babies. I was a full time mom, and never got time alone with him, so it was me being needy, wanting attention from him, and him being tired from working, and wanting time with the kids.
My husband and I were headed down the road you are talking about, I thought for sure we would get a divorce, even though he was the love of my life (and me his). We were both so miserable, it seemed the only answer. Then we started talking about what we were needing and/or wanting. Or, if it would work better, you could write letters. Sometimes, it seemed like we'd both get so defensive it worked much better to write them down so we couldn't fight about it and get everything out we wanted to without interuption. Now our listening skills are wonderful together.
Men don't always realize that in order to be intimate, we (as women) usually need that date night, a break from the kids, etc. Or even a bubble bath or relaxing shower.
My husband now sees how important it is to have time alone, and I think that has truly saved our marriage. I'm more in love now than I was when we got married! My children are also 4 1/2 & 3 1/2 so it's a little bit easier. Good luck, let us know if anything has helped you! :)
S.W. answers from Jacksonville on May 05, 2007
The first thing you need to do, no matter how hard, is get your daughter into her own bed. Your bed is for you and your husband, this does not include your daughter. My daughter, now 2 1/2 yr, knows that she does not come into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom unless she first asks and receives permission. This will make it your room again.
Next, plan date nights with your man. There are plenty of parents out there who would be willing to swap nights/weekends with you on child care arrangements. This will lessen any financial strain, if there is any. You don't have to do anything expensive or extravagant, just a candle, blanket and picnic basket will give you a nice dinner on the beach, or at a park. Don't talk about the kids, talk about your hobbies and interests that have changed or become new since you had your daughter.
One thing you can do with your son, so he gets some good quality time with you, is something I miss that my dad did with me. He would pick a morning before school and take us out for a one-on-one breakfast. He was able to keep up on what was going on in our lives as well as keep a good strong connection with each of us.
I hope this is helpful for you.
May God bless you!