Needing Potty Training Advice

Hi S.!
I just wanted to respond to your wondering why you're so emotionally tied to whether your daughter is potty trained or not...
Seems to me that you are getting a lot of pressure from various sources about getting her potty trained and are therefore viewing potty training as a reflection of how good a mother you are. Unfortunately, this is not the case. I say unfortunately because wouldn't it be nice if we could potty train just by being good parents? But when it comes to potty training, kids will do what they will do and there's no way to force them to do it. We can only provide them with a good environment in which to learn. We can't force them to learn. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job encouraging your little girl to learn. I might just suggest relaxing a bit, or I guess I mean curbing your intensity. Keep putting her on the potty at regular times like you have been, but don't stress out or show frustration with her if she doesn't do anything. Or if she has an accident. Let it be about her, not about you (or your convenience or badge of good motherhood :).
So, to sum up, you are NOT a poor mother because your daughter isn't potty trained yet. You are not a failure. So cheer up and keep on loving and training her just as it sounds like you are already doing! :)
J. B (mother of 6 yo girl and 2 1/2 yo boy)

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I really think that YOU need to be consistent. Once you determine that you are in potty training mode, you can't turn back. Your daughter is confused because one day she has underwear on and then the next she is able to put on a diaper. She will have accidents in her undies, but DON"T look back...go forward! Once undies, always undies! Clean up the mess and start fresh. Lots of reminders too. She is 3 and is able to understand that the underwear will not "catch" the pee-pee. She may realize that it is an uncomfortable feeling and will start consistently going on the potty...but you can't change her back to diapers or pull-ups!
Go forth with the potty training! She can do it!

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My niece was impossible but I broke her.Every time she refused to go potty she had to sit on the toilet and hold her dirty diaper, yes even if it stank.Usually made her sit there 3 to 5 minutes.Broke her in less than 5 days.Her Mom was so thankful. Disposable diapers are very pricey.

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Hi, S. --
Well, it sounds to me like you're doing everything right. And that's so frustrating, isn't it? We started trying to potty train our daughter when she was 18 months old, and she finally succeeded when she was a little over 2.5 That said, though, I'm not going to tell you that we were successful because of our great parental strategy.

I made the HUGE mistake last summer of trying to continue and progress my daughter's potty training while we were on a trip to see my family and visit my dying grandmother. With emotions and tensions so high, that was the last battle I should have been trying to fight, and my daughter reverted and resisted the pressure at all turns. It was a nightmare. Once we got home, she decided she was ready to be potty trained, and after 3 days, she was. It was her decision and she made it happen.

I think there's so much angsting about this topic because it's like the impossible task. You can only provide your child the resources and encouragement to proceed with the process, but you cannot know when they need to go or force them to do so, or be comfortable with it. We found it incredibly frustrating. The diapers and other training products these days are SO absorbent that kids get accustomed to the convenience of them without the discomfort that we undoubtedly felt when we were toddlers. There's little incentive for them to NOT defecate in their unders.

So, anyway, the only things I can suggest for you that you're not already doing are these:

1. Determine how many training pants or panties you're "willing" to use for a day and let your daughter know that, one these are dirty, she will just have to stay in them, so she's got an incentive to not mess.

2. Get some plastic panties to cover her big-girl panties and have her wear these. If she messes, in her panties, these will protect her clothes - at least to an extent. Plastic panties are pretty miserable... definitely providing an incentive to not have to wear them.

3. If you don't have a little baby potty, I'd get one. Maybe she'd feel more comfortable pooping in a small potty. Another thing that just came to my mind is a wonderful travel potty we used for almost a year. It's got a ziplock bag as its catching device. I'd think it would be very unthreatening for a child who might have some fears about pooping in a big potty. You could even put it without the bag outside on the grass and see if she might feel better about pooping out in nature... just to get her comfortable with the act of pooping while sitting on something. One little baby step at a time is a GOOD step. Here's the one we had. http://www.onestepahead.com/product/osa/361755.html

I hope this helps! You are doing a GREAT job! Your daughter's success or lack thereof is NO reflection on you. You are giving her all the tools, and moreover, you're giving her your support. In the end, it's got to be her decision, so maybe these minor mods to what you're already doing will help her take more control of these aspects so she can make the decision that she's ready to not be sitting in her own excrement. You'd think that nobody would want to "marinade" in their own waste, but these little people have a high tolerance for it, from everything I've seen.

And let your Mom know that there are PLENTY of 3-year-olds who are struggling with this issue. It's pretty wide-spread and a common source of parental frustration.

I wish you all the best!!
H.

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i let my daughter wear underwear until she has an accident, then put her in a diaper and tell her we can try again tomorrow. if she keeps her underwear dry she can wear it all day... she feels big and proud when she wears underwear, but i'm ok with diapers until she learns to go on her own. she's starting to get the hang of it.

i've potty trained my oldest already, and from my experience i say wait for them to want to go!! if you try to force underwear before she's ready it will just mean awful stress and battles that don't need to be there.

good luck!

S.,

I also have a three year old and she is in pull ups. I am trying to potty train her. I am not pushing it, but I ask her if she has to go potty......since I am not pushing it, just recently she is starting to respond with a "yes" and I put her on the potty. I also have a 9 year old and I struggled with potty training (it took almost nine months before she was potty trained). This is a "control" issue for them.

I hope this helps.

first of all, your daughter, not the outside world, sould tell you when she's ready to go on the potty. My own daughter was off and on until she was 3 1/2. I let her take the reigns, put her on pull ups or panties and just waited it out. I know its rough and frustrating sometimes, but nothing is more frustrating that other people telling you what you should do with your own kid (i've had people try this tactic with me). Only your little pixie known when she's ready, don't stress out and she won't either.

My physician told me I developed ulcerative colitis at 9 years old because of early and severe potty training-my mother did not realize 50+ years ago that a child who could walk at 8 months did not have to be potty trained at one. I resisted trying to train the girls until they showed real interest in wearing big girl panties but the transition was not without problems. By accident our cat may be the real reason my children became potty trained.

The twins were not 2 yet when our cat had kittens (much to my surprise). As the kittens ventured out mama cat was training them to the litter box. One evening as I was scrubbing carpets, one of the kittens pooped behind the couch. The mama was looking for her kitten, saw what the kitten did, popped her with her paw and dragged her to the litter box. One of my girls saw this and decided she too would poop behind the couch. Having seen what went on with the cats(and knowing my daughter did too) I looked at the mess, popped my daughter on the butt and sat her on the potty chair. IT WORKED! From then on, except for accidents, the girls were potty trained. Fifteen years later I had another child and when he was 2, got another kitten. It took my son a little longer than the kitten to get the idea but as I showed my son, talked to him AND cleaned kitty poop he became convinced. Batman underwear for 'Big Boys'also helped.Good Luck and remember these are the best years of your life-when you go to bed, you know your children are in bed too. Now teenagers.............

I sympathize with your problem. My son was about 3 1/2 by the time he was consistent on the potty. I tried everything. If you haven't tried "once upon a potty" book & DVD you can rent them from the library. They are a great tool. Another thing I tried was if she has a poop accident take the poop and dump it in the toilet and let her flush it, reminding her that this is where the poop should go. I also stressed to my son that whatever character was on the underwear did not want to get messy. Patience is important because it is true, they will go when they are ready. Sometimes it happens overnight. I also, when I had the time, made him sit on the potty until he went and then he was rewarded. He could go to the store and get that one toy he had been wanting or whatever suits the child best. Every child has a vice and it takes some time finding out what it will be that finally works. Letting go of the poop is emotional for them, but the hugs and rewards will work eventually. Don't let anyone pressure you and take your time. Luckily it's summer so they can run around in less clothes. If worse comes to worse make her sit on the potty every hour and she may just give in when she realizes you won't let up on this. Good luck. Trust me show won't be wearing a pull up to her graduation.

It is very easy to get emotionally wrapped up in this VERY BIG event in our children's lives. It is a major milestone! Forget everyone else (mothers included). Do what is right for your family/child. Back off and let her lead the progress.

If she wants to go potty let her but don't wrap up so much importance in it. that includes all the high fives and praise and treats that people suggest. Being overly positive can be a real pressure for a kid. If you are over the moon because of a success in the potty, how does she feel when she goes in her diaper or undies? does it make her feel unsuccesful?

I have found in my family that sometimes we adults get so uptight about what to do we don't address the basics with the child like having an eye to eye conversation. Do you want to start trying to potty train? ok. this is the plan, i am going to remind you every 2 hours and we will sit on the potty. you can bring a book etc etc whatever the plan is. But be specific with no judgement or hoopla attached.

She will be peeing and pooping on the potty for the rest of her life, this is what adults do. She will do it eventually, let her take her time (physically and mentally). Most kids want to do grown up things and this is one of them, address it more casually and matter of fact.

My son potty trained and 6 months later went through a 2 month pooping in his pants phase, just a regression, its over now but man was I worked up over it (everyone had to hear about my son's poop). It will all happen in time, just be her support not her manager.

Hello S. my oldest still was in diapers at age 3. It took a cousin making fun of him to make him go to the potty. He still had accidents but it was better than diapers all the time.
Side note- I felt like a failure when he was being made fun of and cried. Boy was I ever happy when he woke up the next morning and stated he wanted to pee like Charlie.

My son was the same way, he would go #1, but refused to do #2 in the potty! He has a sister 10 months younger that potty trained with no problems. I finally told him a month before his 4th birthday that it was against the law to wear pull-ups when you turn four. He believed me, and on his 4th birthday he started using the potty with no problem! Not sure why this worked, because I didn't go so far as to say he would be arrested or anything, but maybe he just needed a goal date?

My daughter just turned 3 1/2. I thought she would never be potty trained and was going to give up. We had been asking "do you have to go potty" every 20 minutes (or so it seemed). She would always say "no" and then have an accident a few minutes later. We, like you, tried everything and nothing worked. Then, one day she got it. Now she tells us when she needs to go and is only wet sometimes in the morning. I used to be a firm believer in practice makes perfect, but noww I understand there are some things she will just get in her own time. P.S. What wound up working best was using the regular potty with a child seat on top and pez candy as a reward. This way everything was in her control, timing and treats. Good luck, hope his help, Don't stress, she'll get it.

I have eight children, and none of them were potty-trained before the age of 3. Some of them seemed ready at 18 months, but it was always at a time when something big was happening: birth of another baby or a move (we're a military family). So, I was inconsistent with them and then they waited until they were older. With my older daughter, I had to try everything that there was to motivate her to potty-train, and she simply did not do it consistently until after she turned three. It can be extremely frustrating, and having other family members are put pressure on you (I've been there!) doesn't help at all. Just be patient. Your daughter is bound to get there eventually. After all, you don't see many 5-year-olds going to kindergarten in a diaper. If you are still concerned, a visit with your doctor can at least determine whether there might be a physical problem or not.

Praying that this problem will be resolved soon! God bless!

My daughter was three years three months before we were officially potty trained (still wore a pull up at night). She would pee but not poop in the toilet. She would wear panties all day then bring me a diaper and beg me to put it on so she could poop. Never had heard of anyone else having this problem. I was patient, didn't push her, kept encouraging her to poop in the potty and eventually she did. Don't be pressured by all the other 'advice' since EVERY kid is different. Several kids in our neighborhood even went a little longer than mine before they were trained as well. It will come, I promise. Relax and wait and see. :)

Keep up the treats etc. when she goes on the potty. When she is ready to go poop on the potty she'll go. I let my kids decide when they wanted to try. It is all a matter of time and when they are ready they will go. My youngest is 4 and still is training so there is no need to worry. He usually goes but sometimes he is so busy playing that he'll go in his pull up instead of stopping to take the time out. She will go on her own when she is ready but for now put pull ups on her.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

Hi, S.. You've gotten lots of good advice, and I don't have much to add besides empathy. I think a lot of what you're experiencing goes along with having a bright, intuitive, only child like you said. My daughter, who is four and a half now and the oldest, had the toughest time with potty training and it was very stressful on our family. I tried initially when my daughter was two and a half but she did not care at all about the potty. Then I needed to push it a little because she was to start preschool at age three and no diapers/pull ups were allowed. She did well at that time with a sticker chart that she could see and a present after every ten pees in the potty. She hasn't had a pee accident since although I still give her a pull up for nap and nighttime because she's a very deep sleeper. She's dry more times than not so that's a progression too. The problem for us was the poop issue. Oh my, the battle of wills that went on for over a year on this! My daughter would wait until she was alone for nap or bedtime and then go in her pull up. It was so frustrating to clean up a three year old twice a day who would be lying there talking about species of dinosaurs or the rings of Saturn!

I tried everything and I'm sure it was just time itself that made my daughter start using the potty for everything consistently. My big advice for you is to try to be as easygoing as you can about this which is hard sometimes. I think having a set potty time after breakfast and dinner is a great idea but my daughter wouldn't do it because she knew it was important to me. I talked about it too much and my daughter told me to knock it off essentially. Also if pooping is an issue, make sure your daughter isn't struggling with constipation - that's something we dealt with a lot here. Constipation and a stubborn child can lead to impaction, etc...

I know it's hard now, but the good news is that our daughters' temperments will allow them to be independent, successful leaders one day which is way cooler than being potty trained at 18 months. :)

Tell mom to back off! I let all 3 of mine do it when they were ready and on their own time. Each one was done by the time they were just over 3, and never have had an accident unless is was from being sick(flu.) The oldest was just barely 2, and the other 2 were around the 3 year age. But one of my nephews was a little closer to 4!

Two things:
1. We put a sticker chart up in the bathroom. Everytime she went, she put it on the chart. She SEES her results and shows others, too. Just giving her the stickers alone isn't as consistently visual as a progressive visualization of accomplishment. YOu could even let her have something she's been wanting, toy or whatever, AFTER the chart is FILLED. The sooner she fills the chart, the sooner she gets what she wants. I would NOT give candy. Sugar can only add problems to pooping issues.

2. Have scheduled times during the day set aside specifically for that....i.e. 7, 9, 11:30, 1, etc. Use that time not only for poop attempts, but to read, work on ABC's etc. When you begin to set times aside specifically and try to get them on a schedule, it HELPS. Now.......that's not to say that there won't be accidents and you'll have to get "off schedule" as things happen in the day, but it will help to eleminate some accidents and give you some time together to talk and help the child to become "regualar" just because you have a "regular schedule". At some point, she'll probably attempt to go without you, just because her body tells her it's time AND she'll feel more comfortable going and getting into the routine.

I LOVED my time w/ Abbie on the potty. I learned ALOT of what was going on at daycare, worked on ABC's, talked about why pooping was important, etc. She's almost 6 but we still talk about our conversations on the potty from time to time.

Here are some tips that worked for us. Our son will be 3 in a month.

- Give her lots of water and take her to the potty every hour. If no pee, no biggie, just leave. If she pees/poops, make a big deal out of it (whoohoo! dance). Then remind her again that 'Peepee and poopoo go in the potty. Where do peepee and poopoo go ?'

- Don't force or exhibit a lot of negativity. That could pressure some kids into hiding when they need to potty or hold it in. If she has an 'accident', say 'Mmm, that's not good. Where does poopoo go? ... Yes, in the potty. Please remember to run to the potty and poopoo next time, OK ?'

- If you're comfortable with it, you can let her run around the house bottomless to start with. Once she's gone to the potty a few times all on her own, you can transition to undies. Don't put diapers in the mix (other than bed/naptime). That really confuses them since they've associated diapers with 'ok to pee in it' for so long. Yes, there will be accidents but that's easier to put up with than more months or years of diapers.

We only use diapers for bed/naptime now and even then, we always remind him 'Remember to take your diaper off and go to the potty when you need to peepee or poopoo. OK ?'. He's doing that 1/2 the time now and the other 1/2 of the time, he's probably sound asleep.

I hope some of these tips helped. I can understand your situation. My oldest didn't potty train until 4 1/2 and my youngest was daytime potty trained at 2. Good luck and keep chugging on. It will happen ! ;-)

My suggestion is two-fold but some of it will be determined by whether or not you are a SAHM and if not if you can get the child-care provider on the same page you are on.
Set a schedule and take her to the potty every hour, sit her down on it and turn on the water (if it is in the bathroom) and stay with her. Don't sit there for more than 5 minutes at a time. If she goes there is applause and lots of verbal praise and a treat of some type. If she potties in her pants then shack your head and sigh, change her and go on.
By her age you can generally tell about what time of day they usually have a bowel movement, sometimes they still make faces, etc. When you know it is about time or you see the face then put her on the potty and read a short book with her, play a hand game, whatever until she has gone.
The second step is bribery. I know it sounds bad but it works in many of the households I know about. If there is a special toy, doll, treat, she wants then set goals, if you can go for one week without pottying in your pants you can have the whatever. Once the goal is obtained the special treat is presented, the first accident away the treat goes until it is earned again.
Good Luck.
P. R

Hi S., I thought our son was going to be going to Kindergarten wearing pampers. I tried everything like you have and decided I was wearing myself out and he was just not listening to me. When I lightly ignored him he decided to go on his own. Our daughter was simular but I got her to at least sit on her potty chair when I would sit on the stool. You might try this and see if it works then reward her with something she really wants or likes. Good Luck

I have 3 girls 5,3, and 5 months.
My first girl potty trained easy by 2 years,second one would go at 2 but then refused wheen i put a pull up on on a long road trip, once i had my 3 child she gave up diapers. She will do it when she is ready, but i something that worked for me no underwear or pull ups. I think they feel like it is a diaper when they have underwear..

Good luck let me know if that works

S.,
What your daughter is probably picking up on is your own indecision regarding this area of skill. She is obviously got the skills to be potty trained, but that doesn't mean it will happen overnight. You have to be ready to consistently work with your child uninterrupted for this to be successful. Stop worrying about what your mother thinks, your daughter thinks, or anyone else thinks and just do it. Fox and Azrin wrote a great book which outlines consistent techniques to ensure success in this area. Just think of it as teaching one more important thing to your daughter and do it.

Sandi

Being a SAHM, my kids both saw me (my husband as well) going on the potty and it sparked their natural interest. They asked questions and we answered in simple terms. About 2 yrs old, they were waking up dry in the morning - and after naps so - we introduced the little potty chair, although my daughter preferred the mini seat that sits on top of the regular toilet seat. We would go in the bathroom together, read a book or two, sing songs... We tried at regular intervals at first & at times when I knew they usually would need a diaper change. Unfortunately I can't remember the details of all we said and did with them (they're 8 & 5 now) but I can say my daughter was much easier - 1 accident! My son took just slightly longer - but he was out of diapers before my daughter was born, when he was 2 1/2. We had a reward chart with stickers but he never seemed too into that. We did let him pick out a toy ($15 I think) once he was going good - he loved that! Mainly, we talked and talked and talked about it, and both have been, as you say, "above average in all skill development." We did not yell, did not make it negative, just talked and explained. They really do understand more than you might think - which makes it easier to become a control struggle, as well. I'd be willing to bet your daughter knows exactly what buttons she's pushing. Be firm, be CONSISTENT - and be positive about it. I have happy memories of taking my son in to sit on the potty while holding my baby girl on my lap, singing songs to each other. We were firm and consistend and made it a positive experience at the same time - no "potty issues" resulted from our method.
She can do it - and so can you. Stick to it
- Love & Prayers, B.

S.:

Sorry I do not have any advice, because I am right there with you. I have twin B/G grandchildren that I am raising, they will be 3 years old on June 11. I have the same potty training problem. I keep getting told they will do it on there own time. I will keep track of the advice you get. Hang in there.