November 02, 2008,
B.Y. asks from Chillicothe, IL on October 29, 2008
Needing Advice on How to Handle Daughter Having Sex
I found out last night that my daughter and her boyfriend of 1 yr has been having sex for a month now. My husband had come home in the afternoon while they was at our home and totally surprised them. When I came home from work I asked her what had happened and she came out and told me what they had been up to and how long it has been going on.
I felt totally betrayed and I feel I have failed as her mother because I have alway's talked about what can happen and how to prevent pregnancy if she would just come to me to get what she needed before anything went that far. I alway's wanted that because my mom never told me about anything and I ended up pregnant at 13. I know I cant stop it from happeneing, but we can take an extra step in preventing any unwanted pregnancy's. I just want my daughter to be smart about the entire process of having sex and what is involved in the entire thing. She said they used condoms every time they did. I expained to her they are not alway's safe. I explainded to her that it could have a hole in it or even break and that she need extra protection just in case. I'm going to taking her to see the Dr. and get some type of birthcontrol so that she doesn't ruin her life by having any unexpected surprises. I need some advise on how I should handle the entire thing. If I need to ground her and how long, if I should make her break up with her boyfriend. I feel if I make her break up with him she'll rebel and see him anyway behind our backs.
Please help I need your advise soon.
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
I want to start by thanking all you out there that responded to my question. Alot of you told me exactly what I already had in mind, but just needed altiite reasurance to how I should handle the situation. There is defently a circle of friends here.
My daughter & I have had several little talks and we have come to a understanding about what is in store for her now that she has crossed that line into womanhood. We will be visiting the Dr. tomarro to go thru the whole process of talking to a profesional and about all of the options out there to prevent anything in the future. I told her she can go in by herself or I would be right by herside. She understands that she can never go back but she can look forward from this point on. I spoke with the boys mother and we have a understanding about what is exspected from both of our children. She is a great lady and we have alot of the same values. They understand the rules have changed, and we have to instill that trust issue again.
I can say I'm truly happy that my daughter does have love in her life and is not just doing it with the boy nextdoor just because everyone else is doing it. She understands that it's not something you just give to someone or let them take from you, but a gift you want to give to someone you love.
A.N. answers from Chicago on October 31, 2008
i'm only a new mother but i really think you're handling this situation like a pro. as far as making her break up with her b/f that's probably not the best road to take cause she will rebel. is her attitude changed? school? if not then i wouldn't worry just take the proper precautions. just think it could be worse at least she's been with the same guy for a while.
S.C. answers from Chicago on October 30, 2008
Hi B., you are saying it all and that's all you can do. Take her to the Dr. and get some birthcontrol and like you said earlier tell her about how life would be if she has an unwanted pregnancy. Keeping her grounded and making her break up with her boyfriend will make matters worse. Everything you say to her is going in one ear and not coming out the other. She may fuss with hearing you tell her about it but when she's not with you, she'll hear and see what you are saying. Keep at her. Good luck!
C.N. answers from Milwaukee on October 29, 2008
I agree that you are lucky that she is comfortable talking to you about such a thing. The only advice I have is to opt for the nuva ring or depo because thats how I wound up a teen mom, not taking the pill at the exact time every day. Goodluck
N.A. answers from Chicago on October 30, 2008
Dear B.- Ok, I've read most of the previous posts, and I'm dumbfounded by the fact that nearly every one is mainly concerned with this young woman's physical well being, but say so little about her emotional, social and spiritual well being. I offer no judgement or condemnation for anyone invloved, but I must say I'm puzzled that the physical aspect is the only one that gets any consideration. When we give our hearts away, and especially when the relationship is "sealed" with physical intimacy, there is an extremely strong bond that is formed. Very powerful chemicals are released in our brains (seratonin and dopamine, for example) that cause us to feel the euphoria that we all know as young love. It feels great! But if our children are seeking the "feeling" of love, without the necessary maturity and life experience, they are being set up to be hurt. It is a rare young couple who falls in love in their mid teens, and end up spending their entire lives together. The resulting break up and re-bonding and break up pattern sets them up for a future of sadness and and hampers our ability to form truly trusting, meaningful, life-long loving relationships. For these reasons, and many others, I'm urging my teenage daughters (and my son, too) not to "give their hearts away" too soon. My 17 year old has been asked out on dates, but as yet has declined, (with a gentle smile) saying that she'd rather wait till she's closer to marrying age. Most guys have been intrigued and impressed, and she has made a lot of great friendships this way. We haven't set any of those boundaries for her- it's okay with me if she dates now - but she has decided on her own to wait. I guess I'm not saying this stuff for your particular sake, B.- but for those moms who may read this whose daughters and sons are still little ones. I think you've handled this situation really well, and I applaud your obvious love and concern for your dear daughter, as well as the patience and wisdom that you have shown. I guess my advice to you now would be to spend tons of time with your daughter, reassuring her of your love and acceptance. Enter her world, and remind her that she is and always will be your treasured daughter, regardless of any choices that she makes. I agree with other moms that trying to make her break up would be fruitless and probably cause her to resent you a lot. If possible, perhaps you could try to get to know her boyfriend better, and ask both of them to spend time with you as a family- playing cards, games, whatever. The better he knows you, the more respect he will have for you, and ultimately your daughter. This is a tough situation, but not one that is unforgivable or irredeemable. So take a deep breath, put a smile on your face, and go tell your daughter that you love her. Blessings to you and your family.
3 moms found this helpful
E.F. answers from Chicago on October 29, 2008
I think if you ground her it will only make matters worse. I think that now that she has made the decision that she is going to have to prove she is going to be able to handle the consequences. It sounds like you have talked a lot about what she plans to do if she did get pregnant. How do you feel about the options that are out there? How does she feel about them? I would tell her that God created sex to have fun with and enjoy because he meant it for married couples and if they were going to stay together they needed something fun and to procreate as well. Also that it isn't that it is bad to have sex, but that the consequences are a lifetime. Whether she keeps a baby, has an abortion or gives the baby up for adoption these are all very difficult situation to handle. It is hard enough for adults to deal with this stuff how is she going to deal with it. Also that to not have sex you really learn if you love the person. Sex confuses the issue. The feelings you get because of sex even if it's kissing make you think you are in love but that isn't it. When you have sex it is the most intimate thing you can do with another person so to protect yourself from being hurt you make sure you are going to be with that person so you can trust to give that gift to them. Also people who have sex before marriage bring a lot of baggage to their marriages that all play out and if the marriage isn't strong it will destroy it. Those are just a few things to discuss and get her thinking. Make sure she knows that you think sex is great and that you can't wait for her to be able to do it but when she can handle all the above stuff. I talked with my cousin about this stuff and she is still a virgin turning 18. It got her thinking and put the ball in her court to make the responsible decision. If she decides to continue then I would have her get on birth control and pay for it. That's part of the responsibility. Be Blessed.
2 moms found this helpful
L.S. answers from Chicago on November 02, 2008
I started having sex at a young age (16 - I didn't think it was young at the time but now I do) and told my mom about a month into it. She took me to the doctor and got me put on birth control pills right away. That was all fine but what my mother didn't do was talk to me about sexually transmitted diseases. It was just all about "don't get pregnant". And while I never got pregnant I did end up with an STD that I will have for the rest of my life. I just want you to push both of these issues because they are both important. I don't know if this helps you - I just want to make sure that I don't make the same mistake with my children.
1 mom found this helpful
M.K. answers from Chicago on October 30, 2008
Sorry but I disagree with what is being said on the board. While you can not change what has happened and I certainly do not think it is your fault. However, I would not condone the behavior by getting her birth control! If either you or a close relative or friend that she is comfortable with could share the negative aspects and experiences that come along with pre-marital sex with her it may be helpful. 16 is to young to be having sex!! I would not forbid her to see him however I would advise his parents of what is happening and work together to ensure that their visits are supervised by you or his family. She is a child still uncapable of fully understanding the impacts of an std or caring for a child and loosing the rest of her own young adulthood.
1 mom found this helpful
C.M. answers from Chicago on October 30, 2008
I will start my post by saying I know I am the exception and not the rule BUT, why is it expected that teenagers will have sex? I am one of 4 girls in my family and my parents put out the expectation that we would wait until we were married to have sex - 3 out of 4 of us did. I was 33 (now almost 40) when I got married and a virgin until my wedding night. Again - the exception not the rule - I KNOW. I know another post said that parents pat themsleves on the back for their kids not having sex - well, it has to start there. If we as parents keep telling ourselves and our kids that "I know you're going to do it...", where's the insentive not to? B. - you are doing an AWESOME job as a mom and have obviously built a strong honest relationship with your daughter. I would just strongly suggest to IN ADDITION to getting her to the doctor and on some kind of birthcontrol and STD education - also getting her and her boyfriend to a center (mentioned in another post) that can give them abstinance education. There are a lot of success stories out there of kids who started having sex and actually making an informe decision to stop once that had ALL the information. The only 100% birth control and STD prevention is not having sex. Everything else is taking a chance. I will now get off my soap box! Good luck in all your endevors.
1 mom found this helpful
H.C. answers from Chicago on October 30, 2008
Sounds like you're handling this very well. Thank goodness you have always been open with her about birth control and sex. I just wonder -- do the boyfriend's parents know? I think you should talk to them too if you haven't already. They may have something to say about it and need to talk to their son about safety. He needs a medical check-up too.
Beyond that, I would talk to your child's doctor and possibly a Planned Parenthood counselor about how YOU should be handling things from here on out. On that, I would be clueless -- I would feel really wrong about allowing them to continue having sex with my blessing, but on the other hand, they're just going to do it anyway. That's why the boyfriend's parents need a chance to weigh in.
L.G. answers from Chicago on October 30, 2008
I dread these days when my daughter gets older and we are dealing with these things. I would advise taking her to a Planned Parenthood Clinic. I know there is controversy surrounding them, but in reality they just want people to be proactive and informed about every decision they make. The counselors there are amazing and can answer any questions she may not feel comfortable asking you. They can also provide birth control pills and pelvic exams. Every family is different. So you will have to do what is right for you guys. I would certainly let her know that you are hurt, because she did not come to you. I would keep the line of communication open. Just make sure she has all of the facts and understands clearly the rules in your home. I would also like to mention condoms do not protect against everything. There are STDs (or STIs as the new terminology dictates) that are transmitted via skin to skin contact (i.e. herpes, some versions of genital warts also called HPV among others). Good Luck to you!
E.P. answers from Chicago on October 29, 2008
Wow, you are lucky that you can talk to your daughter about this subject. It' s got to be heartbreaking to discover this. Getting her to a dr. for check ups and birth control is a good thing. Grounding her and making her break up with her boyfriend may be useless but making him accountable and sitting down with him could prove to be a positive step (or not!) in hearing how he feels about your daughter and making him accountable for his actions too. I just don't like the fact that this is all on your daughter and it is happening in your home - where else would they have sex or where else have they had it? I would also just reiterate that what they are doing may feel good but comes with a lot of responsibility and potential complications - can she handle that responsibility? Every birth control method has some risk involved. And it certainly isn't too late to reiterate the moral issue of waiting until marriage - sure it's a little late to try and get that notion to stick, but she has to know that you don't approve of this. It's so sad to see that there is such a presence in tv shows and magazines to have sex, dress sexy, etc.... it's all over. It's no wonder so many teens are having sex earlier and earlier! Good luck with this!