Need to Vent!!!!

B.,

I know you feel like you are on an island and no one else could possibly have this issue--but after 26 yrs. of marriage--I don't remember one time when my husband didn't stay in bed while not feeling well--I raised two boys, two stepchildren and have had two jobs most of the time--I had no time to be sick!--But there it is --we have the to care for gene and they have the need to be care fore gene!!!

L.

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yes, same here, I have been married for 25 years and still the same! But as mothers we feel guilty if we don't get up and cook a meal and keep house clean or take care of our little ones. It is very frustrating. But if we don't do it dinner wont get made and the house wont stay clean and laundry doesn't get done then our schedules get behind, I have learn to let it go and do what I need to do, if that means rest then it means rest, but now I can do that now that my kids are Older than 14 years old. But men are babies!

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I've been married for 14 years, and I've had the same issues all along. My husband is like one of the kids when he gets sick, wants to be taken care of, and lays around complaining lol. I've told him many times over the years it must be nice to be taken care of when you're sick, and he still doesn't always get it. I've gone on strike, just let things go, etc., but he still just doesn't get it. I think some men are just like that, and wish I could give you advice, but I still haven't figured it out! Now that my kids are older, I do get some downtime when I'm sick, because they can take care of some things for me, so hang in there. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this.

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Dear B.,
Two days is typical for feelneglecteditis,(a serious case of the oh poor me's, my wife is cooking dinner,picking up toys and taking care of my three year old) but watch your husband in case it turns into something more serious.
I bet, if you tried, you could do the laundry and paint the bathroom(PLUS have it all cleaned up, too)!!And after you were finished, if you had to, I bet you could wash the windows. We (women in general) are multitaskers. Have you ever wondered why, when you ask your husband to watch your daughter, that is exactly what he does?
I do believe there is a definite difference in the way God created men and women. Women are born nurturers. I believe we were created to be multi-taskers, too. Unfortunately, your husband didn't pick a great time to want to be nurtured, but I bet if you do it, anyway, he'll be on his feet in no time.
Through these times, I thank the Lord I have a husband to nurture and help to get back on his feet. It wasn't always that way...After 27 years of marriage, I'm glad we survived the wars.I wish I had stopped to show him more appreciation along the way. I am indeed blessed. B., I am saying a prayer right now, that the Lord will help you to lighten your load,help you to regain your health,and that you will find rest in Him! I will also pray your husband will find some kind words to affirm you with. Have a great day, today! Sincerely, MS

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I think EVERYONE has this issue!! Apparently this is just the way it is. Life just could not go on if it wasn't for we woman running it.

K. J

I guess my husband does this when he's sick, but I pretty much do it too. I don't get sick often, but when I am, I take full advantage... I discovered if I stay in bed and moan he has no choice but to get things going. Ladies, do not feel guilty taking time off! If you are sick, be sick. And if you are tired, sleep. Your children will not starve or die with your husband in charge. Your house will not burn down and hubby will figure out how to get through the day. I promise!

men are like that--but you have to let him know gently that you wish he would have taken care of the house when you were sick like you took care of it while he was. Next time you get sick, stay in bed!!! What's the difference if you have to pick up 20 toys vs. 10? Let it go if he doesn't help out. Also, maybe he feels worse than you did? K.

Didn't you know... everytime a Man is sick, it is the worst cold they have ever had!!!!!HA!! Seems to be that way sometimes!!!! Everyone in the home depends on the wife/mother to make the household function daily. I don't exactly have a solution for you, just wanted to let you know that I feel your frustration and can completly sympathize with you. Don't feel like you are alone in this, we all have dealt with it from time to time. Take Care!!

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am seriously convinced that mom's are not allowed to get sick. They are supposed to be superwoman and still handle everything. When I get sick it is the same thing, I still do everything. When my husband gets sick he comes home from work and crawls right into bed. So not fair!

I recently had a talk about it with him and it has seemed to work. I still have to give little reminders now and then, but it seems to be doing the trick. Sometimes I leave all the toys out so we ALL (mom, dad & son) have to pick them up together that night. I hate seeing all the clutter, but if that is what it takes to get everyone's help then I will deal with it. I am 9 months pregnant with my second boy and definitely want to have both my boys help out around the house. Mom's can handle a lot, but we still need breaks too!

No, you're not the only one with a hubby like that! When mine gets even a mild cold, he'll sleep all day. One time, I was sick and I was so tired that I could barely move. I went to bed as soon as my husband got home, and then before he went to bed he asked, "Are you planning on being sick tomorrow?" (Like I ever PLAN on being sick!) It was a weekend, so I'm sure he was wondering if he'd have to be Mr. Mom all day.

It's just one of those inequalities between moms and dads. There are days when I could vent for an hour about this!

Yes my husband is the same way. He was sick last week stayed in bed while I took care the house and our 4 year old and baby sat my sister kids. When he gets sick the whole world comes to a stop. When I'm sick I still have to do every thing I normaly do.

well you just have to say what i say in these situations, "i am woman hear me roar!"
i think God just made us this way for a reason, the world doesn't stop turning when we're sick.
not that men are babies, but when my hubby is sick, i love to baby him =)
when i'm sick, he'll help with the dishes, or put the kids to bed, but when i recover the house is in dire shambles
sorry, but you just have to suck it up ;-)

Hi B.,
I understand completely!!! My husband is such a baby. I try and be sympathetic when he's sick but it's hard cause he is worse than my kids. I don't know what it is with men. It's nice for him to get 7 sick days a year but I have to remind him that I don't get any. When I am sick and he is home he does try and be helpful but kids always want their mom. So I am constantly being woke up and bugged when all I want to do is sleep (or die). LOL!!
Chris

It's just what most men do when they are sick, they rest and take care of themselves until they get better, and expect you to pamper them back to health also.

Now, since most moms are used to always taking care of our children's and husband's needs on a daily basis, we would be silly to think that the reverse would be true even if we are sick. I know from the same experience that has happened to me when I've been sick. Lucky for me it doesn't happen often. I don't even ask or expect to be taken care of, since I know it will not happen.

Now God forbid, if I were to have some kind of surgery, than yes, under doctor's orders I would be taken care of by hubby.

sympathetic

I think everyone whos married has stories like that. lol This last week the 6yr old was throwing up and so I was staying up mostly all night with her (whys it always seem to happen at night?)Then during the day having one sickie and two healthy as horses (ages 3 and 11 mo.) ALL DAY. I was starting to feel like I was going to be next in line for the flu. On wednesday at 1:30 am right after girlie and I JUST went to sleep hubby comes downstairs, wakes me up to tell me that the baby is screaming.... GRRRR. All he needed was a new diaper and a cuddle. So that after noon I asked him why he woke me up instead of just taking care of it? His response? Well, I had to get up and go to work today....

I have learned that there is no use arguing against that one! And when they don't feel good its you gotta keep the munchkins away from them and keep it quiet while doing all the other stuff you do all the time anyways. Its just how it is. I can't remember my dad being sick much and thankfully hubby doesn't get sick much. So I deal with it (usually with a rolling of the eyes and a dinner out when we can work it into the budget) and am thankful that hubby does go out and earn the income that I never could (college degree vs. no college degree) to support our family and allow me to stay at home and raise the kiddos.

Most men are big babies when they get sick. I've always wondered what the psychology behind that was, maybe it's the way their moms raise them or maybe it's part of the culture. I don't know. There are some exceptions of course. There's an old saying that goes something like this: A man works from dusk til dawn, a woman's work is never done.

Did you ask him for his help? Husbands don't read minds. I have three grown daughters and three beautiful sons-in-law who together have given me 8 terrific grandchildren. They all have learned that all they need to do is ask. Also, did you point out the discrepencies in the situation? I have been married to the same man for 40 years and when I was sick when the girls were little, he stepped up and took care of things, and when I got better, I DID NOT criticize the way he took care of things. I see that as a big reason more men don't help around the house and with the children, is because women are always telling them that they are "doing it wrong"--translated not "mom's way". Ladies let them be a dad so what if the clothes they pick don't match and they don't fill the diswasher the same way you do. Let them be an adult and they might surprise you.

My hubby hardly ever gets sick, thankfully. But I remember my father. Nothing like seeing a big bad Marine swadled in a blanket on the sofa whining for soup. I always laughed at him.
We women to stay in bed really need to be sick, like have the plague of something. I"ve got the flu right now, my husband is at Ft. Sam Houton until the end of April. My boys however have been very good to me, I often don't get sick. And I have errands to run today, and I really don't want to.
God really made us the stronger of the species, reguarless of what men say. We are the backbone I think, our men and children rely on us more then we and they know. Smile and soothe him, and take a deep breath.

W.

We are just the superior race! We are strong, responsible, giving and loving. They are babies that need us to take care of them. I know, it's not fair!!! I hear it ALL THE TIME from my friends. It's wrong, I know, but unfortunately, you need to accept it. Remember Charles Ingalls from "Little House on the Prairie?", well, he would never have let that happen. Men have become soft sitting at the computer all day and being babied by their mommies. I think most women can relate to you. Glad you are feeling better though!

I so totaly hear you!! I have been married to the same guy for over 19 yrs. My husband gets sick and he lays around and even gets grumpy with the "leave me alone and I'll be fine" attitude. But when I don't feel well.....look out. Why haven't the kids had dinner? Why aren't they getting ready for bed? Why this and Why that? I had surgery and he got an air mattress to lay on the living room floor so it would be easier for me to get up and down. The DR told us I should be down for 10 - 14 days. After 7 days "you NEED to get up, take a shower and get dressed so we can go do something with the kids. THEY (notice how he is using them) need to know you are going to be OK." So much for Dr's orders. And he had my mother here helping with the kids all day so he could go to work like normal life for him.
I think men just assume we are stronger than them (Well as far as doing things when sick anyway) and can handle it - especially after they see us go thru labor.
I've learned just to let it go (kind of) and when he is sick - life goes on around him. Then, when he does get up and go back to work - I celebrate!! :)
Just remember - there is always some sort of light at the end of the tunnel! :)
Hang in there!!

K.

I had the same issue. I work full time nights (three 12 hour shifts)and am home the rest of the week with our 18 mo old son. I work hard to keep a clean organized home but when I work my shifts at night my house goes to heck. No one can pick up or clean a thing. On my days off I care for our son plus work on getting the house back in order. Then I get our son to bed and spend the next 2-3 hours picking up toys, cleaning the kitchen, and doing laundry while my husband relaxes and watches TV. I was working myself to death. Then I got sick and something had to give. I finally just had to be blunt and lay it on the line that I just can't do it all any more (of course some crying was involved). That finally got through to him and now he has been helping me in the evenings so we both can have a little relaxing time. I love my husband and he is a awesome dad but just not very observant.

B., my husband is the same way. He refuses to cook dinner. Last week I was sick, diagnosed with Strep throat, and I'm pregnant. Yet I still cooked dinner and took care of our 2 1/2 yr old when I got home from work. Then when he went to bed at 8 one night I laid down on the couch and fell asleep he got mad! Just wanted to let you know it isn't just your hubby that does it.

I think many have this type of story... Luckily for me, I am blessed with a hubby that will let me rest if I need it and if he can stay home.

The last time we got really sick tho, when we had to rest like that we had the stomach flu, and we had it at the same time... So I think you should at least be happy you are not suffering together with the 3 yr old like we did! We had to call our sis-in-law to come get our boy so he didn't get sick (again, as he brought it in.).

You could always try to talk with him - when he is better and more responsive? ;)

YES!!! My husband and I both work full time, yet I am always expected to do the majority of the housework and take care of our 2 year-old in the evenings and on weekends. He conveniently always has some project to do around the house that demands his utmost attention. It makes me crazy!

Yes, I have the same issues with my husband...he is an amazing husband and dad to our two year old and 6 month old. He helps with them from the second he gets home until the time they go to bed and on the weekends. However, when he is sick he is 100% out of commision and such a baby. I get so frusterated because when he is sick its like its not even an option to help with the kids or anything besides what he has to do for work. But when Im sick it doesn't seem to matter. My mom always says, mommy's don't get sick days! And it is so very true...just know that you are not alone by any means, it is more of the norm than not. Good Luck!

My husband is the same way. When he is sick, I let him take care of himself since he doesn't take care of me.

Last winter we were out and our then 15 yr. called to say our then 11 yr. old got sick. Who has to clean up...me. Later on that night my 15 yr., 13 yr. old and myself all got sick. My husband stayed away. The next morning he left saying he didn't want to get sick. So I'm left to deal with 3 sick boys plus myself and 2 healthy boys plus the dog and all the laundry, dishes... When he came back home I told him I'm going to take a nap and he said great idea I'll join you. Needless to say I didn't take a nap but he did.
He got sick later that night and I told him he's on his own and don't talk to me. It must be a guy thing.

I know exactly what you mean. A couple weeks ago I had the flu and still had to do everything, I ended up going to my parents house for a little relief. I was so upset with him and then when he got a little cold and I asked for his help he said "I don't feel good, just let me relax" I was so upset with him and still am a little bit about the whole situation.

My hubby helps out alot thank god, but he still finds time to be a couch potato instead of filling in for me when I need him. Men don't understand all of the work it takes to keep a house going. They just think we wiggle our noses and its done. You are not alone in your fustration. No matter how helpful a man is they don't know how to be us mommies. Underneath they don't want us to be just their wives, but they want us to be their mom too.

I hear you! When I was a SAHM, I took the house on as my job. Now that I work I still seem to be in charge of the house. I have forced myself to take the time I need when I'm sick. If I do what I always do, he thinks I must be up to it. The hard part is living with the mess and accepting that his getting dinner is pizza delivery. His efforts don't always meet my standards, but I've found that's not something I can demand. And if I do criticize, I get less effort. Truth is, I'd be the same way if he criticized me. My kids are older so I can let go a little, but with a 3 year old someone does need to be alert to her all the time. Men don't seem to get subtle clues as well as women. Tell him how you feel and ask for his participation when you need it. Oh, and after reading some other responses, I, too, leave him to himself when he's sick. I don't see being a wife as a nurturing responsibility. I see it as a partnership.

I feel your pain! The exact thing happened to me a few months ago. I was so sick, but my 5 and 2 year olds had to be cared for. My husband not only seemed clueless to their needs-he actually got an angry that I seemed unwillingly to help him. He actually brought the children into the bedroom where I was trying to rest and left them! I was furious--especially since a few days later my "sick husband" not only stayed in bed for 5 days, he behaved as if he couldn't do the simplest of things for himself. Instead of indulging in that foolishness--I pretty much ignored him and went about the business of tending to the children. When he was well again (and I was over my rage) I told him how his behavior made me feel.

Unfortunately, that is how a number of men are, just make sure you don't raise your son to do the same. And make sure by example that you communicate your issues to your husband (for your daughter's sake) and let him know how his actions made you feel and then tell him exactly what you need from him the next time it happens. Easier said than done--but trust me it works! And yes, I too was an AHM at the time.

Welcome to the world, my dear child. People have written about this forever, Erma Bombeck for example. In fairness to your man, though, presumably he goes out to work everyday, as distinct from working at home. He has to rest to get well enough to go out to work again, whereas you have no other options for people to come in and take care of your work. I remember feeling that my world was falling apart when my husband was that sick, because I relied on him for strength normally. Please don't berate him, it won't do either of you any good. Baby him and take care of him is in your best interest. Remember to take care of yourself also, because no one else is available. This means get a babysitter and go get a massage, or put the child to nap or preschool or something, ,and take a bubble bath. Ask a girlfriend for help with all this.

I'll vent with you - It's a woman's lot - (most) men just aren't as strong as women are in this department - working thru sickness and feeling awful.

My husband explained it like this - he is "the breadwinner" and if he could drag himself to work, he would, but since he is sick enough to stay home, he'll stay in bed and get better so he can return to work as soon as possible. That's his "job."

Since your "job", as the SAHM, is the care of your child and home, including meals, then that is what you have to do.

I think he should've helped you cook and care while you were sick and he was well, and now that he's been sick, he should understand how bad you felt - it may make him think the next time you say you're not well that he could be helping. A good time for this conversation.

B.,
My friends and I talk about this all the time. Our husbands who are ordinarily great turn into the biggest babies when they are sick! It amazes me how they don't even move for days but we have to do it all when we are sick. It is so annyoing! Just thought I'd let you know you aren't alone!

Well you know we are the mom and without the mom the house falls apart. I have experienced the same thing with my hubby and I even wait on him way more then he does me when sick. It really isn't fair if you think about it, right. My husband is wonderful and does a lot around the house and works hard so I can't complain too much.

Take care and ask your hubby for a day just for yourself.

M. B

Hi, B. W

Hope you are feeling better. QUESTIONS: Did you tell your husband that you were so sick you didn't want to move? Did you ask him to cook or pick up dinner? Did you tell him you were sick and needed help? THE ANSWERS: Probably NOT! He can't read your mind ... I know, we want them to. I would venture to say that he thinks he is sicker than you were; why? because he watched you get out of bed and continue to do everything you've always done ... cook dinner, pick up toys, take care of the 3-year old...SUPERMOM!

Just my observation.

A.

OH YES!!!!

Men are near death when they get sick!!!!
My husband says he always goes by the advice of drs by resting the way you are supposed to. However, if I would take that advice nothing would get done and still be there when I felt better.

I have to give him the "benefit of the doubt" however, when I had surgery recently he and my kids did well in taking care of things. It wasn't done the way I would have taken care of it but at least it was done.

I had a similar experience this past week as well...My husband I must say is also wonderful most of the time...he comes home on his lunch hour to help put my daughter down for nap etc. However, when he was sick a month ago he would come home from work for the afternoon and sleep on the sofa!!! I would get so frustrated b/c that's right next to our playroom...so not only was he not doing anything, but he made it difficult for my daughter and I to have a normal day as well! Then, this past week when I was sick (temp of 102, coughing, stuffed up etc...)he just laughed at me when I said I was going to call in sick to work...I'm a SAHM. Well I finally had to just start telling him what needed to be done...granted I am pregnant so I had that going for me. Of course my duaghter got sick since I was still doing everything for her and yesterday we were at urgent care with a very sick little girl...oh well...I love him and men can just be babies when they're sick, I agree...you can't be subtle...tell them what needs to be done!! I hope you feel better and your hubby gets better soon so life can be back to normal...I would give him a hard time about it once he's better as well...joke about when you're going to get your "3 day vacation" as well!

My girlfriends and I have the same rants about our husbands on a regular basis!

Absolutely!!! I think this is very common actually. Women have learned to take care of others before themselves, that's why we make such great leaders and make better decisions sometimes. So if I'm sick, it better be pnemonia or something as bad as that, before I get to lay in bed for days. I never have! My husband gets a little sick, and comes home from work and lays around all day. It's so annoying, cause since I'm home all day, of course I'm gonna want to take care of him and make sure he has what he needs. So I suddenly go from having 2 kids to having 3. When I'm sick, I don't get to rest until the kids are in bed that night. So yeah, I feel your pain and I'm sure there aren't many wives out there that don't. I don't think there's much we can do about it, cause they really are not as strong as us when it comes to this. We are much stronger than them usually (why do you think we give birth?)about dealing with pain and discomfort while getting through it to accomplish our goals. We have practice every month! So I guess if they don't make fun of us for not being able to bench press as much, then maybe we can let them slide on the sick thing. And it's also an opportunity for him to be vulnerable to you and that's good for your relationship. You need to be recognized for being the strong one sometimes, just like he needs to know that you're there for him if he needs to be weak. I think it's a good juxtaposition for couples, but it's not a very fair one for you! Like if you needed to lay around in bed for 3 days, he would take off work and stay home with the kids for you, Yeah right! I can't help but laugh about it, cause it also makes me kinda mad. Especially this last one he had. Also, my son seems to get sick around the same time as him, while my daughter never seems to get it. So it's always to boys getting sick and the girls staying strong. I read that women have stronger immune systems than men, so I think we're just doomed to this scenario.

Hello B.,
Imy name is T. I have went though the same thing before and I do understand what it feel like to have to do everything when you sick but when he gets sick noting going to get DONE!!!! I really dont get it but I think men take a good women for granted!!!!! Waht do we do sometimes I see why women become Lesbeans.. Hope everthing works out because I know how it can become STRESSFUL!!!!
Talk Back. my e-mail is ____@____.com

Hey, I just read all the responses and just say - we have it pretty good since most people say "my husband is just great" BUT when he is sick...... I have been married 29 years and will keep my husband who goes to work willingly everyday and makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world (even though when he is sick, he is sick in bed!).

My husband has what he calls a "sick blanket" that he takes out of the closet when he gets a cold for God sakes. I feel you. Men are very weak when they get sick and when they have to multitask like we do for the rest of our lives. Our days depend on it. Maybe when he feels better or maybe not....it doesn't matter when you say this but he does need to recognize and voice how much you do and how much he appreciates everything. That's one I give my husband...he never forget to say those things. Even when I do make fun of him and his sick blanket

Vent all you want, girl!! Hey look, who ever asks to get sick, right? I was pretty much in bed a couple weeks ago for a couple days. I did NOT go cook their food (just hubby and my 17 year old) I figure they're old enough to be able to feed themselves. I felt lousy. And I needed sleep.
I say leave hubby in bed with a bottle of water and aspirin. If he wants anything minor to nibble on, bring some crackers. Who looked after you? You deserved some R&R and pampering. C'mon; Little Caesar's has a $5 pizza. They could've gotten one and left you to recuperate.
Darn straight I've been there done that.

I don't know if this will make you feel any better but I think you're (and I am as well) among 99.9% of all married women out there. Your mother didn't tell you men are just big babies????? It is what it is.

Yes, B.,
You and he better plan to discuss this pronto! First you must decide if you would have kept going even if he insisted you stay in bed, or if he wanted to be waited on even though you were sick.
When you discuss this, be sure to use I messages. "I feel unappreciated when being sick doesn't seem to matter as much as when you get sick"....you know the drill.
If you don't get this figured out soon, you will be setting him up for the rest of your marriage to let you pamper him while he treats you carelessly.
Get a book called "What wives wish their husbands knew about women." It's by Dr. James Dobson. You may have to go through Amazon, but you would find the information in this very enlightening. He also wrote "Love Must Be Tough" which deals with other issues the need a firmer stance in marriage.
Do you know how you feel about these things, or do you just wimp out and let people walk all over you? You cannot have a solid marriage without solid communication. Good luck. J.

yeah, i think almost everyone has that problem

Yup...I've had the same issue. I nipped it in the bud early buy throwing up directly on him!!!! (Awful and GROSS but it worked) He has even watched the baby while sick so I could get out of the house. (If I don't get out occasionally his life gets UGLY)

I still have to put my foot down and say, "I can't take care of me let alone the child. You are a parent too...step it up and DEAL!!"

And no, ladies, I don't believe in subtly.

Yes I understand, my D/H has been sick and catered to since an infant. His mom has called and asked if I needed her to come and sit with him while I am work. I said no he's 58 y/o and will be fine. We've been married for over 10 years and I am the third wife so I will get medicine but I don't bring him dinner in bed, unless he has a fever over 100*.
That's part of the problem as a mom our job never stops, because we have to care for our children as well as our spouses.
I glad to know other women need to vent as well.

Take care,
D.

oh yeah, were not married but everything is on my shoulders. He says to me, "your the mom" Then he\says "he's joking" - really than why do i change 95% of the diapers, do all the cooking and cleaning etc. I'm scared, I'm also the breadwinner in this relationship with insurance and I return to work in a few weeks. I CAN'T DO IT ALL! He has his own business that is starting to take off and 4 other kids.

UGH! MEN that aren't grown men are frustrating!

YES...You are NOT alone... I was so tired and weak with fever, my mom came over to help. My husband was home for 2 of the hours my mom was here, he stayed on the computer the ENTIRE time. then left for work, doing NOTHING.. If I am sick or NOT my husband NEVER helps out and YES, when he is sick, sore throat or headache, heaven for bid he ever gets anything worse, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD...

I have the same things, but it's permanent. I want to say, I LOVE my hubby, but he's a stay at home dad. He messes up the house all day long with the kids, so I know he's having fun. But my job is the job, then I come home and work on our job (he has an eBay business which I help out- because he doesn't write in English-- we are a bi-lingual family), and I clean the house... so you know how clean our house is!!! oh well. we are all well adjusted and love each other, it's just our house isn't as clean as everyone elses... It could be worse.

I think it must be a male thing. My husband does the same thing. Hang in there, once your kids are a little older and they can take care of themselves for a while you should be able to get a little rest.

Yes! Unfortunatly my husband is the same way. They are bigger babies then the babies themselves. Your not alone :)